Looking for a female point of view

My girlfriend and I work together. So does a guy she is very close to. They are really close friends, not a problem, the problem is they had some sort of relationship. She says no intercourse ever. I some what believe that but she has also told me it was a "somewhat physical relationship" also. She is still pretty close to him. By that I mean she eats lunch with him in his office, behind closed door. Talks all the time to him. Never tells me anything as to what they talk about. She says she loves only me and not him. She also refuses to change the relationship at all. I feel like it's a slap in the face everyday at lunch. I've told this and we only fight. What should I do or how should I approach this?
I should add that she was very reluctant to tell him about us in the beginning and he was extremely jealous of our relationship when he did find out.

She works with you both, and has lunch with HIM behind closed doors? Errrr.... you have trouble on your hands, my friend. Why do you tolerate this?

Due to our different jobs we can't have lunch together daily. I guess I tolerate it for the time being because I love her a lot. Other than this issue we get along great in every way. We live together without any other issues. She says I just don't trust her. I say I would never do that to her. She has me wondering if it is a trust issue. It's hard to trust given what's going on and her refusal to do anything to make me feel good about the situation.

She's not behaving in a trustworthy manner. Only an idiot would blindly trust her, and she's trying to make this look like a YOU problem.

Oh, hell no.

Any suggestions on how to handle the situation?

If it were me, I'd just walk away from her. I'm kind of mean, though.

I'd talk to her about it again one more time and if she doesn't want to even think about it or consider hanging out/eating lunch with him less (something like instead of everyday 2-3 times a week, or eat in a group) then I don't think the relationship is worth keeping because it could mean something is going on between them.

Wouldn't 2-3 times a week be pretty much the same thing? That would not change anything at all.

yeah, i have an issue with her having lunches w/him behind closed doors and also not sharing with you their topics. let's put it this way, if you're doing something with someone and you don't want your SO to know about it, you're probably up to no good.

A relationship needs honesty and she's being deceptive.

It could be she's hiding something... or by a very slim chance it might be nothing at all. Though the fact remains -- she's withholding from you, and given the circumstantial evidence... it doesn't look good.

Ask her to share what it is they talk about, and that she refrain from private lunches with him. If she refuses, then you have a problem on your hands as she's putting far more value on her privacy with him than what is appropriate.

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Originally Posted by Aeradalia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

A relationship needs honesty and she's being deceptive.

It could be she's hiding something... or by a very slim chance it might be nothing at all. Though the fact remains -- she's withholding from you, and given the circumstantial evidence... it doesn't look good.

Ask her to share what it is they talk about, and that she refrain from private lunches with him. If she refuses, then you have a problem on your hands as she's putting far more value on her privacy with him than what is appropriate.

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I've already expressed the fact that she doesn't tell me anything or talk to me about it. She told me flat out she will not change the lunch situation with him. She put it on me as a trust issue. I don't see it as that. From past experience when some one uses trust issues as a defense then there is some sort of guilt involved.

Chuck her. She'll never find a boyfriend who will tolerate this and she may as well start learning that right now.

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Originally Posted by john95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

From past experience when some one uses trust issues as a defense then there is some sort of guilt involved.

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This is usually true.

If she is acting the same with you as far as showing her love towards you, dont worry about it. If she was in a relationship with him now, it would show. You have to trust her and if you cant, the relationship is not worth having. Most people will become friends then enter into sex and think that is love and end up married and 10 years down the road they break up because the basis was never there. If you love her, trust her.

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Originally Posted by Yagz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If she is acting the same with you as far as showing her love towards you, dont worry about it. If she was in a relationship with him now, it would show. You have to trust her and if you cant, the relationship is not worth having. Most people will become friends then enter into sex and think that is love and end up married and 10 years down the road they break up because the basis was never there. If you love her, trust her.

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Loving someone doesn't mean you have to throw rationale out the window.

If your friend is covered in blood, had a knife in his hand, and a body at his feet... do you 'trust' him when he says he didn't do it?

At some point, you'll have to make a judgment call, and if you're not convinced that someone is being honest --- and you can't find enough reason to prove adequately that they are being honest... what choice can you really make?

To the OP... there's trust and then there's being fooled... it's up to you to decide.

Given the circumstances... is she acting in an honest and trustworthy way? Has she taken measures to ease your worry?

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Originally Posted by john95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wouldn't 2-3 times a week be pretty much the same thing? That would not change anything at all.

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I was basing the 2-3 times a week on a 5 day work week. I was going to stay ask her to stop having lunch with him, but that could seem like being controlling or extremely jealous. So I was thinking she could still have lunch with him, but less than she does now, so it'd be a compromise.

I suggested that so you could bring it up and see if she'd be willing to compromise with it (as relationships have a lot of compromise in them).

Ok so here's how it went. We talked again about it because some one else here at work mentioned the lunches to me also. They have stopped as far as I know. Things were going good, then last Thursday I'm in her office and he calls her, she gets nervous, I mean really nervous, I could hear him on the other end of the phone ask here if she's alone and she says no and he says I can tell. Obviously they were having a conversation during the morning that she didn't want me to hear. I'm going to confront her with this tonight and I'm about fed up with the whole situation. I've broken all ties with all past relationships, I would think she should do the same. Does anyone agree?

Respect in a relationship is very important. She does not respect you or the relationship.

You've got enough reason to dump her.

Don't even be specific at this point. She's not being honest with you, you don't owe her an explanation. If she runs to you asking for a reason (she will), just say "you know the reason". See what pings. Its called 'giving them enough rope to hang'.

If she acts relieved or like she doesn't care, that's an answer too.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by john95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I've broken all ties with all past relationships, I would think she should do the same. Does anyone agree?

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It depends on the level of commitment. I don't think you can expect someone to break all ties with everyone in her past if she doesn't see you as The One.

However, that doesn't mean she has to carry on like this.