Girlfriend doesn't like to be intimate

Hi everyone, I have been going through something which I don't understand and thought could find some answers here.

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. We spent quite a reasonable amount of time together and are happy to be with each other. We often go shopping, watch movies, play games, stroll at the park, celebrate birthdays together. But these are all we do. When she come to my house, we just have kisses on our lips or cheek, like a goodbye kiss. Other than that, we would just watch videos or talk or plan where to go next week together in my room. Occasionally, she would allow me to french kiss her. But usually, she won't like it. Maybe I am lousy at it, I don't know.

Though very seldom, I ever tried to touch her butt and tease her by squeezing her butt lightly. But she says that's inappropriate and was unhappy with what I did. I understand that she may be shy if this is done in public spaces but she isn't happy either when I did this in our room. Sometimes, when I try to touch her thigh and caress her neck or her ear lope, she says it is itchy and pushes me away. There was once when we had french kiss and she seems to enjoy it. I tried to slowly move my hand to her chest, thinking that she might like that. But she pushes me away and was very angry. She said I shouldn't touch those "places" of hers. Of course, I respected and move away back to my computer to do my own things.

I don't know if this is because my girlfriend is totally innocent and pure but she is 22years old now. None of my friends would believe me that I have never done anything more than just kissing to her. But this isn't the main thing. The thing is I really wish that she could enjoy being intimate with me and we can bring our relationship to an even affectionate level.

I am someone who is against sex before marriage and so I am definitely not looking for that with my girlfriend. However, having pettings together should be ok since this technically isn't having sex at all. For the past 4 years, I respected her idea that I should only keep my hands at "proper" places. I don't demand anything from her and we continue to do the usual shopping and whatever activities together. She ever told me that she doesn't even know if she has masturbated before. We just happened to come across that topic. I couldn't ask more from her as she quickly stopped talking on the topic. She always get very agitated when we talk about anything intimate and will often get angry if I continue to prompt her. There was once she told me if all I want is to touch her, go get a prostitute. geez...haha...

I totally respect my girlfriend for not allowing me to get too intimate with her. And I have been this way for the past 4 years and I am still continuing. It is not like I am wanting to be intimate when we know only for a few weeks. It is FOUR years! I don't know if I will ever get overly frustrated. I don't want to be a pervert or a sex maniac but somehow, I am a man and I somewhat have desires. It is kind of a paradox.

Anyway, after so much, to the girls out there, are you the same as my girlfriend? If so, what are you actually thinking in your mind that makes you react this way?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizardox [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I totally respect my girlfriend for not allowing me to get too intimate with her...

---

why? she obviously has no respect for you or your needs.

at 22, she (well actually, you both) should be way past "oh no, boobie touching is inappropriate!" stage, ESPECIALLY after 4 years together! this is actually pretty laughable man, I don't know how you've put up with it this long.


are you the same age as her?

yeah something isn't right here.....

wow...are you guys serious?

Could there be a problem with me? Maybe I am not good at starting the whole thing up? Any tricks on this from the females that often get you worked up?

I always have the idea that probably some girls just have less 'stronger' desires than us man. And I really don't wanna act like some kind of pervert who keeps pestering her to get intimate with me. At the same time, I really want to know deep in her mind the reason why she isn't keen in this. I am starting to imagine when we get married and we only make out when we want to have babies. Then I have to start controlling my desires until we want the next child. Sounds funny, eh? haha...

All my friends who told me about their girlfriend aren't this way. I really want to try to talk to my girlfriend but she ALWAYS get agitated and angry when we talk about anything, anything that has relation to intimacy. That's even when I pointed to an adult shop on the street that we walked pass! She will turn her head away from me and appear to be annoyed. So it is very difficult to even talk to her. This is complicated.

Is she a religious girl? If so, that could be the root of your problem. Many religious girls believe physical intimacy is something to be tolerated only for the sake of having babies. If this is the case for her, you are pretty much screwed, and you may have to find someone who is a little more open to your level of interest.

The both of us are virgins but we are not the religious kind. More over, I am not looking at having intercourse. Just pettings that make the both of us comfortable and more loving. I don't know why she feels totally uncomfortable when I caress her or touch her gently. I mean like if a girl is gonna touch and caress my thigh for some time, I can definitely feel some thing.

she's too self conscious. an adult beverage should ease her up. But from the way you makin her out to be, i'm guessing she's against alcohol. dude 4 years and she won't let u go pass kissing? i think there is something wrong on her end. Imagine if u guys get marry. U'll be lucky to even have sex once a month.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizardox [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The both of us are virgins but we are not the religious kind. More over, I am not looking at having intercourse....

---

that's crap. of course you're looking at having intercourse, and you shouldn't be ashamed of that no matter what your self-righteous girlfriend thinks. it's only natural desires that you have (obviously you find your lady desirable), and I think the more she fights you on this, the worse it will get.

it's been 4 YEARS! this needs to come to a head now, or one of two things will happen: you'll live a life of abject sexual frustration, or this relationship will implode.


sort it out dude, and let us know how you go.

you're girlfriend is one of a kind...but if i were you, i would find someone else who's open to things like intimacy, it's one way of growing up and becoming more mature...

good luck...

I'd guess there is an underlieing issue, the two that come to mind are she was sexually abused or she's a confused lesbian.

Actually there ARE people who ID as Asexual. I think you need to ask her is she's apposed to sex before marriage or sex in general.

Be honest and gentle,but tell her you're looking to the future and are worried about the idea of a sexless affectionless marriage.

I would tell her what you told us. Tell her that you want to have a conversation, and that it's important, and after four years, you should be able to have a conversation about it.

Don't make it casual. Sit her down and make sure she can't avoid the issue, when nothing else important is going on. If she get's agitated, stay calm. Just tell her you want to see her side of the issue, and, since she won't talk to you, you cant.

You aren't being a sex pervert. You are being normal. This is something normal that you need to discuss, so do it. She might be asexual. She might have some other orientation that prevents her from wanting to get intimate with you. If she's never masturbated (according to you according to her), maybe she is just really inexperienced.

If she is really inexperienced, and doesn't understand anything about sexuality, you might not be the best one to explain things to her (lest you seem like a sexual pervert), but I can't think of who else could. Her parents should have explained things to her before that.

Anyway, I think confronting her, and forcing her to confront the issue, might be the best option. At the very least, if you do, you'll know where you stand, and where you hope to stand in the future. You might even be able to persuade her to try something. And, she might enjoy it, and be more accepting of both of your sexualities. Who knows?

There was only once that I successfully got to converse with her for like 15mins on this matter. At first I thought of the same as some of you mentioned, that she could have a bad childhood history which she doesn't want anything that could get her recall those moments to happen. I tried to ask her but she firmly assured me that nothing of that such has happened. But after that, she kept quiet throughout the next 10mins or so leaving me the only one talking and persuading her. I talked to her at a public park when we rested on a seat. So it is not as if I would immediately do anything to her if she began to discuss these matters with me.

In some of my random attempts to ask her, she ever told me she has NO desires at all. Seriously, girls out there, do you all really can have no desires? I didn't mention the word sexual desires. I just asked if she ever had desires before since she doesn't masturbates. But she said she has never felt that. At first, I thought maybe girls are not as horny as the men are. I just replied her with a joke that she could be the best priest or nun or sister ever. It could be quite impressive she really has no desires.

Is asexual someone who is a lesbian? I believe she isn't a lesbian because she is attracted to guys. She could be inexperience as what Initials has mentioned. If this is the case, how am I going to start? I am not an experienced one either. But there somehow must be a first time and everyone has a first time too. How did everyone's first time come by?

I don't know how am I going to explain to her as like what you said, I gonna seem like a sexual pervert. And I suppose all parents tell their daughters to get away from guys who only wants to try everything to get into their pants. This concept must have deeply drilled into her. haha...

Anyways, how did everyone's first time come by? Educate me, please. lol.. I am thinking I could start something along this.

wo, most peoples first time is a goofy (possibly half-drunk) affair that lasts all of 14 seconds, often times with someone they hardly know, and won't compare at all to your situation.

as I've said a couple of times already, 4 YEARS.....4 FREAKING YEARS MAN!, and she's (you're both?) 22 years old. you two should be dipping your toes into the warm waters of the best sex of your life, not in the throes of a debate about how inappropriate it is!


I wish you luck.

By the way, I am 24! I ever thought about asking her when we were kissing like "Shall we try petting?" in a teasing manner. Sort of seeking 'permission'. LOL! But I don't know if this is a great turn off since I thought it would be better if everything turns out to be a natural process. But I don't want her to get a big shock again when I move my hands all over her and get angry. This would be safer but would it be a big turn off that could cause what she possibly wanted to become a no way thing?

If she has no curiosity and no sex drive (and yes, it CAN happen), you are going to have to either accept a life of celibacy with her, or move on.

Yes people can have no desire whatsoever. And the only time relationships with those people work is if you both are. You are not. It will not work.

If you both believe in no sex before marriage, then I think she's more committed to it than you are. You want to go halfway there whereas she doesn't even want to start what she's not willing to finish. From each other's perspective, you're both being unreasonable.

Either marry her or move on. She's not going to pet your thigh.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HienStk [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she's too self conscious. an adult beverage should ease her up. But from the way you makin her out to be, i'm guessing she's against alcohol. dude 4 years and she won't let u go pass kissing? i think there is something wrong on her end. Imagine if u guys get marry. U'll be lucky to even have sex once a month.

---

Yes, you are right. She is strongly against alcohol and I am sure she won't drink an adult beverage. And I thought an adult beverage is for people who are in their 40s?

So everyone's first time come through having the both of you drunk? Other than alcohol, any other scenarios?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizardox [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Other than alcohol, any other scenarios?

---

are you asking us how to trick her into shagging you? that's not the way you want this to go....it should be a mutual, loving thing.

I think Giga is right, go her way or go yours. it sounds to me like you both want to tread different paths.

To my mind, even if you get her to go "half way" you're on a losing path... lets fast forward a few months/years and you are happily petting away... apart from the fact you'll have a noticeably larger right wrist than left, I doubt from what you have said that you are going to have the marital sexlife you'll want. And that, my friend, is a whole world of disappointment and resentment that will almost defo cost you dearly in lawyers fees.

This girl has the right to be and do what she wants. You clearly want more. You also owe it to yourself to have more, it's your life and your experiences. Don't let anyone tell you any differently.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by flea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

are you asking us how to trick her into shagging you? that's not the way you want this to go....it should be a mutual, loving thing.

I think Giga is right, go her way or go yours. it sounds to me like you both want to tread different paths.

---

I mean other kind of first time that people encounter. As in the story of your first time experience. Not tricking her. I will never resort to tricking her because I like her a lot. It is inmoral to trick my own girlfriend!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizardox [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In some of my random attempts to ask her, she ever told me she has NO desires at all. Seriously, girls out there, do you all really can have no desires? I didn't mention the word sexual desires. I just asked if she ever had desires before since she doesn't masturbates. But she said she has never felt that. At first, I thought maybe girls are not as horny as the men are. I just replied her with a joke that she could be the best priest or nun or sister ever. It could be quite impressive she really has no desires.

.

---

Im a woman and have many many desires...just like most other women..she either is sticking by her 'no sex before marriage' and doesnt wanna start what she cant finish or she has no desires at all..but for me, i had desires even when i was a virgin- she does sound like she wont exactly fulfill your needs even when married..cause once youve done it once you will want it again and again and again.

Intimacy in a relationship (not necessarily sex) is very important. Her constent rejection is obviously affecting your self esteem so it is time to move on. While I respect the fact that you realize she has problems and are trying to work it out, it can't always be about her. She has flat out told you she has no physical desires so now it's up to you to accept that and move onto someone who wants to be close to you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizardox [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I mean other kind of first time that people encounter. As in the story of your first time experience. Not tricking her. I will never resort to tricking her because I like her a lot. It is inmoral to trick my own girlfriend!

---

hehe that wasn't my first experience, I was just generalising.

I think you know what you need to do here. it will be heartbreaking, but when the dust settles I believe you'll have done the right thing for both of you.

Communication is key.

Without communication, a relationship will always fail! That's just a plain fact. Without clear communication to the brain, our legs will not walk; our arms will not move; our fingers will not grasp objects; our eyes will not move. We'll die if we lose communcation with our brain!

COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

If she cannot *relate* (that's what RELATionships are all about) to your physical desires, then you're simply not meant for each other.

Communication happens when both actually care for each other. Apparently, she doesn't care about you enough to actually tell you why she doesn't want to go further. If she wanted to wait until marriage, then why doesn't she COMMUNICATE that to you?

That's the only part I'd be frustrated about, concerning this issue; and this has gone on for *four years* without ever being cleared up?

You've got to do something soon, or else this is just going to drain you and it's a total waste of time. I'd suggest seeking relationship counseling, as well. Even if she doesn't want to go, then you go by yourself and see if the counselor has heard of such things before. Her not wanting to go could also be a clear indicator that she truly doesn't care about you, since she doesn't want to fix this problem; therefore, it's best you just leave if things do not change.

And if it's a physiological / biological problem, then she should seek medical attention to see if she can get that fixed. It's natural and totally normal to have sexual desires. Now, that doesn't mean one should be an absolute pervert, but when someone truly cares about someone else and they're physically attracted to them, they want to make love to that person... eventually.

Making love leads to reproduction and wanting to start a family. It's totally natural.

Anyway, look into doing the things spoken above... and soon! This cannot go on any longer! It seems like a waste of time!

I think maybe her inexperience is what makes her so unwilling to move forwards on the intimacy topic... but four years is such a long time.. You have been official boyfriend/girlfriend for four years?

I remember at first I didn't really enjoy kissing, it weirded me out a little, to the point where... I actually (LOL) considered a break up (thankfully I never went through with it). I realise now those were probably only feelings of nervousness, fear and confusion all mixed up.

After all kissing > touching > sha-bang... Sometimes things can be scary for a girl and even though logically everything is okay, it may be a tornado raging around in her head. Some people really really struggle to come out of their comfort zone. Maybe you can try other things, like offer to give her a gentle shoulder massage sometimes, can she be playful? Does she like holding hands in public etc? Because going by your description at the moment she seems kind of.. a tense person.

Thanks for the info, I appreciate it.