If you knew Death was comming, would you let love prevail ?
As you all know - or maybe you dont.. I have been talking to this woman for a few months now. We met online, and we chat online and talk on the phone all the time.. We have grown very close to each other in our conversations. We dont really have much in common, but we get along like nothing else. She reminds me alot of how my ex, Robin (the best relationship I ever had), in how she acts and treats me. I love it, to tell you the truth. She doesnt give give give, and neither does she want want want. Its hard to explain.
ANYWAYS... we've never met in person, but times are groing nearer of the day we are gonna meet in person. We are damned good friends already, and we both can already tell we would be best of friends in person. She lives about 15 minutes away from my house, so its not going to be hard to see each other - we are just taking things slowly to be sure of things...
We talk about all kinds of things like past experiences, to all the little nothing conversations that are fun, but serve no purpose at all. We have grown so close to each other that we are telling each other little secrets that no one else knows and stuff... Well, last night she told me one of her secrets that is only between her, her mother, and her grandmother... It blew me away. I did not get pushed away by the secret or anything... In fact it has made me more eager to meet her.
She has an illness that she was born with. I wont go into details about it, but the doctors gave her a deadline on her life. She was suppossed to die at 16. She is now 20 (1 month younger than me)...
This illness is not noticable at all. I dont think it makes her feel any different than any of us, except for the mental aspect of it.. You can look at her and not tell she is sick. Its perfectly hidden from the world. But it could kill her at any moment.
Now here lies the problem.. I really like her alot, and I would love to meet her and see where things go. Maybe we wont like each other much in person.. Maybe we will make best of friends and thats it.. Maybe we will fall in love.. Who the hell knows, right ? If I fall in love with her I will want to marry her and all that good junk. And over time we will grow extremely close. We will become 'one'. etc etc.. Well.. if she gets sicker and dies... its going to hurt me badly. I know this. I will be heartbroken all over again. But my theory is that it will be worse because it isn't because of a mistake, or someone falling out of love with the other.. we would be in love and happy together all the way thru the last second. THATS what scares me a bit. THAT is what will hurt the most.
I am the type of guy that always thought "to have loved and lost, is better to have never lved at all" is a bunch of crock... Well, this little encounter has made me realize just how stupid and wrong I was. I think all the pain I will go thru if she dies would definately be worth the short or long time that we spend together. It would pain me that she is gone... But I would not regret making the choice to get with her. I would not forget the memories we had together. I would love her forever. And it will pain me. Badly... But it will be worth it to be with her and to give her everything I can while she is here. To make her happy with her remaining days in this life would be the second greatest blessing of my entire life (first blessing is always kids for me).
I don't know what to do tho. Sometimes i think i wouldn't be able to handle it. I think maybe I will act differently towards her while she is here because i KNOW she is goinng to be gone later. Sometimes i think it will be good and i will do everything to make her happy and give her my all.. And then sometimes i think it will pain me while she is here.
So I am asking everyone... What would you do ? Would you let things happen and fall in love if it happens.. Or will you save yourself the heartache and stop things now ?
