Loner by Nature? *This is long...

Hi guys, i've had something on my mind for a while now, but just can't bring myself to talk to my friends about it. Thus, i turn to you...

I've been going out with this girl for almost a year now--just about 10 months. She is my first g'f and i am her first b'f. Lately, tho, i've been feeling much different about our relationship.

THere are many things that have me questioning this. First, i feel very much weighed down by the relationship. I mean, there isn't another girl, and it's not that i don't have feelings for her, it's just that i'm feeling very weighted. We used to talk all the time online until her internet broke. That was about 3 months or so ago, and since that time, she'll call every night at about midnight, and talk till at least 1 or 130. Also, since it's summer, she's been wanting to go out 2 or 3 times a week, and i frankly dont' want to see her that much. I like to have time for myself and for friends and for family, and it just seems like too much her-time.

Another thing that bothers me is that She'll always say how much she misses me, even if i had seen her the day before or even taht night. But i really don't feel the same way. I never really have "missed" someone. I've been on some long trips, one lasting 3 weeks in Australia, and when people ask "did you miss me?" i say yes, but i really didn't, i could have stayed out there for who knows how long witout actually missing anyone, even my closest friends.

In addition, we rarely have anything to do. So usually i'll dread saturdays when i go out with her, cuz all we end up doing is sitting in her basement watching a movie or something. And all that sitting around leads to the inevitable kissing/making out. And, even tho that is nice, it just seems to me like a lot of work and is kind of boring. I don't feel that i want to take it further than just kissing, but i often find myself just wanting to leave and go home, even tho she wants me to stay. And i'm not even supposed to be out past 12 (cinderella license), but it seems weird/rude to be looking at my watch while we're kissing and just stop to up and go when midnight rolls around (even tho i usually want to go by theN).

And so we come to the dilemma...i don't want to lose her as a friend because she is very nice and funny, and i like her and her friends and her family. I also realize that if we break up, chances of me finding someone as inexperienced with relationships and understanding and unaware of any mistakes i might be making as she would. I feel that since we're both a first for eachother, it's a learning experience we're on together, so neither of us has to worry about kissing bad or whatever, since neither of us know better. But i just feel like the relationship is getting to be too much, especially with college looming in the not-too-distant future (a week). She says she loves me, and i say i love her, but i dont' think i really know what love is at all. What i thought love was, i dont' feel for her, and what i feel for her, is just the love of one friend for another, not <i>love</i>-love.

So basically i have no idea what to do about this. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but i understand that i can't continually try to make people happy at the expense of my own feelings and what i want. Please offer any advice you can give. And sorry for such a long post, i've been thinking about this for many nights...

-=CAL=-

Lord CAL,

I would be interested to know how old you are as you seem quite concerned with your level of experience - - I think that experience, or lack thereof, is only a big deal if you make it one. I've dated men, all throughout the spectrum of experience levels and I can honestly say it IS an issue now as I am hoping to find a relationship that will lead to marriage - - earlier in my life it was not remotely an issue.

It is time for you to learn a sad reality of life though - sometimes it is better to cause someone some "minor" heartache now rather than some MAJOR heartache later. The feelings you are describing indicate that you are feeling smothered and that you are not in love with this girl - - out there, somewhere, is someone who might be able to fufill her needs but she won't find him while she thinks you are him. (Likewise out there, somewhere, is a girl who will be more confident in herself and therefore will be able to give you the space that you need - you won't find her while you are committed to this girl.)

Your ability to maintain the friendship depends on how you break up with her and HER level of maturity. I have just watched a very painful breakup between two people - he a mature adult went to her house (after three weeks of dating, one of which he was out of town!) and said he just felt she needed more than he could give her. She is now IRATE and HATES him. So despite his attempt to handle things maturely - her lack of maturity means that friendship will not be possible. Your situation may be the same OR you could tell her she needs more than you have to give, but you would still like to offer her your friendship and she could see that you are looking out for her best interests and think that alone will make you worth having as a friend.

I guess I have kind of taken this all over the place, its late, and I have lots of thoughts, the short of it is---break up with her, as kindly as possible, as soon as possible, there is a whole world out there. You will only gain experience by going out and living it.

Good Luck-
Jules

You have stayed in the relationship for selfless reasons- you don't want to hurt her. You say that you don't feel like you know what love is. The only conclusions are that a) You don't know if you love her or not, or b) You don't know what love is because you know inside that you do not love her, yet you say you do. It's about 99/100 that the answer is b. Although it is respectable that you are acting so selflessly (you don't see much caring for other people these days), I think that you have to consider your own feelings. If you feel that you cannot be happy staying in this relationship for a long time, it's time to give it up. You have to think about yourself sometimes... and when it comes to your feelings, you should be the first in your mind. I'm not saying that it won't hurt her. If she has feelings for you (it seems as if she does), it probably will hurt her a lot. But there is nothing that can be done about that. What are you going to do, stay in a relationship that you feel restricted in? To keep on acting like you feel the same way for her? It's not fair to her, and definitely not fair to you. Besides, it will hurt more if you wait anyway. I would say to not delay the inevitable. It hurts a lot to know that someone has been saying "I love you" without meaning it.

I know what you mean when you say you don't want to hurt her, but it is inevitable. I think when you get into a relationship, you're admitting that you're trusting that person, because you're vulnerable to getting hurt. You have to take that chance. Just don't be harsh, and more importantly, be honest. And the way that you explained your position, I think that you would do that naturally (considering you don't want to hurt her feelings).

You've gotta keep living life. Life is short, right? You don't want to be bogged down in something that you don't feel comfortable in. With that, I offer the best of luck to you. And please reply. I would like to know your take on both my and jslaughter (Hey jslaughter!) views.

-Prodigal

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Originally Posted by Prodigal

I think when you get into a relationship, you're admitting that you're trusting that person, because you're vulnerable to getting hurt. You have to take that chance.

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Prodigal - DEAD ON, and I think one of the hardest parts about ANY relationship, is that vulnerability. However, the benefit when you are in a relationship and you are both on the same page is AWESOME, isn't it. You are very wise Prodigal.

J

Lady Jules and Good Prodigal,

I thank you so much for your reply. To settle your curiosity, i shall tell you that I am freshly 18, as is she. I don't think i'm as conserned w/ experience as you think i may be. It's just that i spent 17 years of my life on the single side, 3 of those 17 depressed that i didnt' have a g/f, and now that i've lived on the other side for 10 months, i realize it's not all it's cracked up to be (in the view of my current eyes anyway). So i suppose that im' just worried that i don't know how long it will take (months? years?) for me to want to get back to dating side of things. And by then, all the girls my age that i'd be interested in would have had countless encounters, and i wouldn't know what they'd be expecting or wanting. Do you know what i mean?

And as far as breaking up would go, we're both very mature, but would i just pretty much reveal all that i had revealed in my first post? And, either way, should it be done before or after we leave for college, when i see her? I leave in one week for college, and i don't want her to think, if we break up before, that i'm breaking up with her because i'm expecting an overload of females waiting for me in college, cuz that is not the case. Also, i have a friend who told his g/f that they're only together until the end of summer. We all basically agreed that he's just using her, and i dont' want my g/f to think that i was doing that to her, and that that was the plan all along. I'm especially worried about this because not 2 weeks ago, she basically told me that she "used to hurt herself." She didn't go into details, but it is not a good thing.

In conclusion (of this reply anyway), I know what the love of one friend for another is. I have many friends whom i love, and i would do just about anything for them and whatever i can to help them out. And i know that when i say "I love you (too)" it is this love that i am speaking of. I just don't feel that a relationship the way she probably wants, is right for me right now. I am a nomad type of person, i guess; i love to travel and stay in all kinds of different places, and i plan on doing a lot of that during and following college, and i feel that a relationship at this time would just get in the way of that, because, honestly, my biggest flaw is that i care too much about the feelings of others, than what i want for me...

I have been with my b/f for about 7 months. I feel that things have changed for me. Its weird because my feelings have been very strong for him but latley i have been questioning weather he is right for me, if i love him. I have been feelig very preasured to be someone who im not. i have been feeling very weighted too. I mean i am very busy, we both are and sometimes i just want to be by myself or with my family or with firends & i get tired of coming over and having to leave at 3 4 or 5am in the morning, sometimes its just better if i stay home. when i want to hang out with my friends thats a problem too and i get this guilt trip, and its annoying! its funny that i feel this way because i am usually the girl that always gets very attatched, but in the past 6 months i have let go of alot of childish things, like jelousy, being controlling and really being dependent on someone. i depend on myself now.
I have been qustioning everything about our relationship. I have been thinking if we really have anything in common and you know what i dont think we do . Latley our realtionship has been alot of agruing and picking on eachother and then we have makeup sex, then i go home.
For about two weeks now i have been feeling like being in a relationship is not the best thing for me. and seriously i dont know what to do about it. i have no answers for you my friend.

Yes, blue, that is exactly what's going on with me too! You really hit it with the guilty feeling and just wanting to stay home. Tho i feel sorry for you, because i know the feeling cuz i'm experiencing it too, i am also glad i'm not the only one with that problem...good luck to us both :-/

yeah we sure arent the only ones. im in the process of putting all my feelings down on paper, so that i can try to sort some things out. good luck to you. you know where i am if you need me.

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Originally Posted by Indy700

And as far as breaking up would go, we're both very mature, but would i just pretty much reveal all that i had revealed in my first post? And, either way, should it be done before or after we leave for college, when i see her? I leave in one week for college, and i don't want her to think, if we break up before, that i'm breaking up with her because i'm expecting an overload of females waiting for me in college, cuz that is not the case.

In conclusion (of this reply anyway), I know what the love of one friend for another is. I have many friends whom i love, and i would do just about anything for them and whatever i can to help them out. And i know that when i say "I love you (too)" it is this love that i am speaking of. I just don't feel that a relationship the way she probably wants, is right for me right now. I am a nomad type of person, i guess; i love to travel and stay in all kinds of different places, and i plan on doing a lot of that during and following college, and i feel that a relationship at this time would just get in the way of that, because, honestly, my biggest flaw is that i care too much about the feelings of others, than what i want for me...

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I don't think it matters when you break up. If you break up before college (since you said it will be in a week), she may think what you said. But if you break up right after college starts (even a month or two after), then comes the risk of her thinking that you DID get an overload of girls in college, and picked one of them over her. And if you wait a lot longer than that, then you're still just delaying the inevitable heartbreak. My advice is to tell her when YOU'RE comfortable. I don't think it matters when you do... you just have to use the right approach. Just be upfront and honest. If you make it clear that you don't feel like you know what love is and that you don't love her in that way, she probably won't think that you used her or are expecting an overload of girls in college. If she thought that, I think it would be a bit immature, not to mention exaggerated.

And about the future, it's hard not to worry about it. I must say to try to not worry about it, even though this is advice that is easier said than done, and that I don't follow myself (hell, who CAN follow that advice completely?). Just live life. Do what you want, and be yourself. Maybe in your travels you will find someone who is willing to travel with you. You never know what you'll find. I want to think that love comes when you're not searching for it. But when it comes to love, you do, in a way, have to think of yourself first. If you're not happy (I think the first step is being happy), then how is a relationship going to last? If you're not happy with it, well then, of course it's going to just get in the way. It's all in the way you look at it. A relationship down the road may be hard to keep, but you're willing to keep it and don't think that it gets in the way at all. When you're willing to go out of your way to stay in a relationship (and not thinking that it's a burden), it's probably a good sign that you have strong feelings for this girl.

Good luck to you. I mean that with all sincerity.

-Prodigal

Thank you very much, Prodigal. You have been a big help, and i appreciate the time and thought that you have put into your advice. I know that it is something i have to do, and soon. It just feels that i'd be hurting a lot more people than just her, and that makes it tougher, but it is something that i know i have to do...

thanks again. :)

You'd be hurting a lot more people than her? What do you mean?

And you said "all the girls my age that i'd be interested in would have had countless encounters, and i wouldn't know what they'd be expecting or wanting". Does it really matter? What matters is that you like a girl and you just get to know her, go out etc. and hope that she likes you too. If she doesn't, move on. And your idea that all the girls at your age then would have had countless encounters is TOTALLY INCORRECT. What makes you think that you are the only one who is so inexperienced? Maybe it's different times or different culture or something but I know of a lot of seniors (parents, teachers, older cousins etc. and I'm 17 going on 18 fyi) who had their first relationships in their 20s. So nothing to worry about. Anyway relationships are not made based on how much experience each person has had. That's utter rubbish. Relationships should be built on passion, trust, commitment and open communication (not necessarily in that order). Or maybe even more.

Another thing: You are absolutely NOT in love with this girl. Love is something special and you'd know if you've been through it. I personally think that if you're not sure, you're not in love. For a boy-girl relationship that goes past friends to work out, both parties must be passionate about each other, accept intimacy and feel a sense of commitment to each other. And they must each give the other party sufficient space to BREATHE. You are probably thinking that this girl is suffocating you and I think you should let her know as gently as possible.

indy i broke up with him!!!!

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Originally Posted by blue

indy i broke up with him!!!!

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wow! really!? that's fantastic! heh how did it go?? does it feel as much of a relief as i'm imagining it must feel?

well relief yes but i was alot sad because i do love him we are just different and sometimes love is not enough!!!

i know that i made the right decision because it would have been worse in the long run. We didint end on bad terms.

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Originally Posted by blue

i know that i made the right decision because it would have been worse in the long run. We didint end on bad terms.

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well that is good. i hope to end on good terms as well. i hope to remain friends with her, as she is a really great person. when it happens, i'll let you know how it went :)

ok.
he is a great person to, but im not sure if we will remain friends. we wont be enemys no not that but i think that we will need time before we take that step towards friends.

well, blue...i did it...tonight...it sucked. Pretty much the worst night ever...took 3 hours total from begining to end...She took it very well. She saw it coming, as i somewhat suspected. We will try to remain friends. She said she'll need some time of not seeing/talking to me, but we're gonna try to make the friend thing work.

It's funny how it hurts, but it is such a relief too...this is pretty much the saddest week of my life tho: break up with girlfriend, everyone leaving for college, me leaving for college this sunday...sucks...

Oh well..c'est la vie and life goes on...all that good stuff...

Thanks for the support too, blue and everyone :-D you guys are great

Well, you had to do what you had to do, right? Think about having to do that another year down the line, when she has probably gotten a lot more attached to you.

As for staying friends, it's a tough matter. After crossing the lines from friend to boyfriend and girlfriend, it's hard to go back. Of course you can still be friends, but there will probably be something different. I don't know why... I think it's just something that comes from the fact that you are now an 'ex'... even though you may be best friends. Just keep in mind that in most cases, you don't end up staying friends. But no matter what you do, don't become an asshole to her (which I'm not worried about)... and don't be too surprised if you two kinda fall out of the loop with each other. Remember, this is a risk that both of you had to take and maybe knew you had to take when you committed yourselves to a relationship.

As for college... I will be a senior in high school this year, so I can imagine how that is. I feel that I have separation anxiety and am very afraid of what's coming after high school. Right now I live in southern California, and want to go to Berkeley. All of my friends are either going to stay around here or go to Florida... so I think it's going to be pretty rough on me. But I guess people aren't meant to be together forever? So I guess that theoretically, I know how you feel right now (even though I haven't experienced it first-hand).

And you're right. Life goes on.

Best of luck to you.

-Prodigal

P.S. Have you read my thread yet?