I'm think I need to break up with my girlfriend of only two months. I'm writing this post because I have a lot on my mind that I need to get out, and I know she won't want to talk about it. She's not much for communication, and I need to get this off my chest.
Nicole is 21, and dated her previous boyfriend for nine months. According to her, their relationship was over many months before she finally broke it off. He was a jerk, didn't treat her right, and all of that.
He was her rebound guy from another two year relationship that ended badly. She told me she never really gave him a chance, because she was still getting over the previous relationship in which she was engaged, and he cheated on her and got another girl pregnant.
I'm 33, and I haven't dated anyone seriously for many years. I'm a former Marine, and because of the nature of being in the service I hooked up with a lot of women, but didn't have the time or stability to get into any real relationships.
Nicole and I work together -- which is going to make this a lot harder if we do break up -- and we hung out with mutual friends from time to time while she was still dating her previous boyfriend. There was a definite attraction between us, and later she told me that her decision to break up with him had a lot to do with hanging out with me. She "saw that there could be something better." She didn't exactly say that she wanted to be with me instead of him, but rather that she needed a change in her life, and saw the possibility for a different, better life, with a better boyfriend, better group of friends, etc.
I also needed a change in my life. I'd been very focused on my career since getting out the service, and just happened to feel emotionally ready to get into a relationship when her and I started hanging out. The timing was just right when we started dating.
She started coming over to my place just a couple weeks after she broke up with the previous guy, and things were VERY hot for that first week. She came over every night, and she did all the sexy things that any guy could want, and I did all the fun things with her that her previous boyfriend didn't.
When we did try having sex a week later she broke down crying before we got started, because she was raped when she was younger, and I was being "too aggressive", and it scared her. I had been aggressive the whole week prior, but because it was her time of the month, we didn't actually have sex. So I kind of felt the crying thing was BS, but I tried to be understanding.
As great as those first couple weeks were, there have been some red flags that I shouldn't have ignored.
* She compared me to her ex quite a bit. They were all positive comparisons, and they inflated my ego, so I wasn't bothered by them. I didn't get jealous when she talked to other guys at the bar like her ex. She could really be herself around me unlike her with ex. I took her places all the time, unlike her ex... etc. In fact, she brought up all her exes on a fairly regular basis until I finally told her it bothered me.
* We started to have some nasty fights after those first couple weeks, and they were even a little physical. I ended up with a mild black eye after one nasty fight. They only happen when we were really drunk, and she told me from the start that she gets a little insane, and even violent when she's drinking, so we blame the fights on the alcohol. We stopped drinking hard alcohol when we go out, and haven't' had any fights since then, although she's had a couple emotional break downs.
* I really go out of my way to do thoughtful things for her, but she doesn't go out of her way to do much for me, which I think shows a lack of interest. She told me from the start of the relationship that she was very selfish, and I can tell from her interaction with her parents that she's very spoiled, and used to getting, and not giving, so I dismissed my feelings.
* We were partying a lot, and drinking a lot in those first couple weeks, and having pretty wild sex. When we're sober though she doesn't really want to have sex. There's another issue -- which I'm going to explain in a moment -- that's made sex an issue between us.
* Over the past couple days, when we go out to bars, she spends more time talking to other guys than she does me. Typically they seem to be guys more like her previous friends, and closer to her age. I dismissed this because she has no other friends (They cut ties with her when she broke up with the ex), and we've been around each other 24/7. There's only so much you can be around someone before you start to get a little tired of them, and need to talk and hang out with other people. Now though I'm wondering if she's finally had enough with me, and feels the need to get back to her previous way of life.
* After a petty little fight last week, she started talking about needing some time alone. A lot of crap has fallen into her life very recently that has nothing to do with our relationship, and I understand that she's stressed. She also has a lot of "issues" that she takes medication for, and I think she's started cutting herself again. She was talking about the need for time alone because our fight was bringing more problems into her already stressful life, but now I wonder if continuing to date me is a possible cause of her stress. After only a day of "needing to be alone", she wanted to spent time with me again.
There are other red flags here and there, but I'm madly in love/lust, so I easily dismiss them all. Her family absolutely loves me, she brags to old friends about our relationship, and our co-workers all tell her how lucky she was to be with me.
Disaster struck a little over a month into our relationship when she got pregnant. We were foolish, and weren't using any kind of protection. She suspected for a couple weeks before home testing that she was pregnant, and it was one of the reasons I so easily accepted the slow down in sex. She said she was feeling sick on a regular basis, and she was scared, so I accepted all the cuddling, and no sex.
We both decided she should get an abortion, and that's what we did. I tried to be the model boyfriend during that time, and gave her as much emotional support as I could. She honestly seemed to feel good about the decision, although she later admitting to having regrets.
Normally I would see our relationship as a cut and dry rebound thing, but there have been a number of issues that have complicated my thinking, and feelings. For one, the guy she broke up with to be with me was a rebound thing. The slow down in sex can be explained by her past experiences, and the abortion. We did have some crazy, wild, all night long sex the other night, but we were both a bit drunk and stoned. Her need to be alone can be explained by stress not related to our relationship, and her "issues". Her talking to other guys/gals when we're out lately can be explained by us being together so much, and her need to have an independent life.
She tells me all the time that she loves me, and when we're sleeping together she holds me tight, and caresses me body. All day long she leans into me, and wants to hug me, so it really does feel like love on her part, but I'm wondering if she's not confused about her feelings, and what she wants.
I'd love to talk to her about these things, but she really has a communication problem, and I'm worried that if push the issue she'll see this relationship as being just a drag, and not what she needs in her life right now. She really does have a number of mental issues that complicate things.
Right now I'm conflicted, and not sure if I should break it off now, and avoid the heart break that might be just down the road, or keep going for a bit longer, and see where things go. I've got to admit, I really adore and love her a lot, and I'd rather be with her even if she doesn't know for sure weather she wants to be with me, or if she's fooling herself into thinking I'm the right guy for her.
