Ex calls after 4 months no contact and 10 months apart-what now?

So my ex boyfriend and I broke up 10 months ago because he was not ready for a serious relationship and the commitment scared him. We unfortunately in too much contact the first few months. Eventually he suggested no contact but he barely made it a month without contacting me. We talked once a month for a few months. Then he started dating someone new who he claimed wasn't serious and I didn't hear from him for 4 months. Mostly out of respect for her-on my part and so he says. Recently they broke up (it was mutual and said they knew it wasn't going to work out and didn't want to drag it out longer-he didn't seem to care)and he called me to see how I was doing. He said he didn't want to go that long without talking to me and be better about keeping in touch. He knew what had been happening in my life and often said he had comments he thought up to say on my fbook about things posted but for some reason didn't. He said he wanted to try to get lunch with me while he was in town but had no free time. Do you think he really meant that or was just saying that? We talked for over an hour and he kept it going asking questions. I apologized at one point for keeping him on the phone so long cause he was driving and he said he'd rather be talking to me. I just don't know what to think about this. He said he wanted to be better about keeping in touch but I don't know if 1) he means that, 2) its just a friendly call/texts once a month, 3) if he means more. He also suggested multiple times he would be visiting my school sometime-so maybe I will see him, but again who knows if he is just saying that. We talked nothing of our relationship. He did awkwardly make an unnecessary sex comment. Which I thought was weird. Not about me but just his sex life in general. I made a point not to tell him whether I was single or not.

I still love him so much. So I obviously want to be more than friends but I have no idea how he feels. I am his greatest love and he is definitely mine. I have a great life and I am really happy with everything but I still love and miss him and there are no other guys in my life. I still pray everyday I ultimately end up with him. I know for us being apart has been good for me- i needed to do somethings on my own and not have him as a safety net and probably for him getting to feel younger a bit longer before the real world. But I hope that our paths cross again. But it's so hard to get by in life not knowing if we will ever be together again. I tried not to get my hopes up but unfortunately I have a bit and they've already been let down. It's been a week since he contacted me and I haven't heard anything. Is it too soon to expect to hear from him? Do you think he even means he wants to be friends? Do you think he might still have feelings for me? Male opinions would be very much appreciated!!!!

Hi Sunflwr23,

A very delicate situation it would seem. Well, I say the same thing to anyone who is thinking of maybe kickstarting things with an ex... be careful. look after yourself first and foremost cos heartbreak and all that jazz is very difficult.

Play it smart and maybe go out for a drink casually (if your old enough) or go for lunch somewhere. Do it with no intention of 'trying' to get back with him. Feel your way through it and his body language will probably tell you a lot.

Trying to gage things over emails / texts etc etc is a no no... things can come across so wrong and often leads to confusion and upset.
Face-to-face is the way to judge something. So if you want to, there is no harm in asking him.

By the sounds of things, maybe he does think about you. Thats great news if it's the case but don't get carried away... it might not be :(

Im going to make this simple. A guy doesnt contact a girl if he doesnt not want to get involve with her. We dont have time to waste so of course she wants you but the question is if he wants you back or just wants you coz hes lonely?

If you want him back then go out with him.

its so funny coz my ex called me too. lol

Id say hes been thinking about what he had with you and lost. The Sex coment is interesting perhaps it was an inquiring question to see if you provide a little info from your end? Good that you didnt.

Id say tread carefully, if something didnt work 10months back ask yourself whats really changed now? Maybe meet up and take it slowly, chat and find out if anything has really changed or he is just looking for something still casual? I'd think about this friends thing very carefully, I dont think it works out well very often if one person really wants to be with the someone who doesnt feel the same! Sure everyone normally agree to be friends but really its just a a word said in politeness. It will just rip you to pieces everytime you see that person and if they start talking about the new partner its worse.

Think of yourself and how much you want him back but please remember if it all goes bad a second time its that much worse than the first time!

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Originally Posted by Chazza2k [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if something didnt work 10months back ask yourself whats really changed now?

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There you go. Has he changed? Doesnt sound like it! Its been 10 months why are you still drooling over this guy? it sounds like you are a long term booty call. Have respect for yourself and cut contact off 100% and find another guyIf you let him he will use you and throw you around like yesterdays newspaper.

I texted him casually about an inside joke and he responded and asked me a question about it and then i responded to it and he never responded. I guess that is a bad sign. I want him back! I want him to love me again! And don't tell me to just move on. I get that answer enough and it doesn't help!!!

My Ex. who dumped me used to call all the time and I did enjoy talking and texting her. BUT I told her about four weeks ago I will no longer be treated rudely or disrespected by her or anyone else. When someone anyone texts you and asks you a question and you answer it then they just disappear and blow you off that's wrong (just rude). She would call and we could be talking and she would say in the middle of a word got to go and not hear from her for a day or two that dis respectful. Talked to her in a parking lot once and she just put the window up and left while I was talking, never again.:evil:
She was good for a week or so now I haven't heard from her in about three weeks. She now calls and texts my kids, something she hadn't done since we broke up.

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Originally Posted by sunflwr23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I texted him casually about an inside joke and he responded and asked me a question about it and then i responded to it and he never responded. I guess that is a bad sign. I want him back! I want him to love me again! And don't tell me to just move on. I get that answer enough and it doesn't help!!!

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He wants a little ass on the side.

If you give it up, you get what you deserve.

a little ass on the side is prettty much out of the question because we live in different places about 2 hours apart no matter how you slice it (from our permanent homes or our school homes) so he would have to make some big gesture by driving two hours to see me. He'd have to go out of his way. But the contact part is weird b/c theoretically he could just never see me again if that's what he wanted but he chooses to keep in contact and that confuses me. I really want him! But if I initiate it sometimes he cuts it short. I didn't expect him to carry on my conversation very long but he didn't use it as a door to communication with me like i'd hoped. I honestly expect just one response to the text saying hahaha but he did ask me another question. I think I had a stupid answer!!!! I'm just proud of myself for letting it go and not texting him again when he didn't respond. I used to do that all the time and I know it annoyed him sometimes.

I really want him back. I just wish there was something I could do to remind him of the good times we had. I love him so much and deep down I thought he loved me. Now I am starting to question that. I know he was happy with me and I want to show him he could be happy with me again. Especially since all the other areas of my life are so much happier. I really just can't get over this guy! What can I do?

You want that end the pain quick fix and that doesn't exist. By not contacting him, you have your best chance to think of you in a positive light again. Getting you strung along is helping him get over and past you. If he really cares about you, the comparison between you and anybody else will be inevitable and the bad times with others will remind of the good times he had with you. If he doesn't, it won't bother him and you will both be going your separate ways. He pulled the trigger and if it was a mistake, he will have to come back to you. Pulling is just going to put you guys into Tug O' War. That's the reality of the situation.

I also just found out he is struggling with confidence lately and has been having a rough time in the dating department and meeting girls. my friend and i agree he was over confident when he broke up with me, so i guess he could use a good dose of reality.But 1) i am worried about him, 2) i hope this makes him think about me and works towards my advantage, 3) i hope he really realizes what we had and that i loved him and i was out of his league. But i don't know what any of this means or if I should do anything now or just keep waiting. I feel bad cause I don't want him to hurt but I get a little bit of pleasure that he is falling on his ass trying to meet other girls. I just don't want to be his safety net. Not that he is even trying.

i am not sure if i should just tell him i love him! I don't know what would be better. sitting and waiting or taking that chance. I don't want to push him away but sometimes i feel he might need a nudge or reminder

Don't worry about the nudges or reminders... you really really don't need to give them. If he wants to be with you, he'll come back to you. Afterall, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want the same thing.
I know its easy to think 'they're to stubborn to come back' or 'they don't know what they want' etc etc but you're doing well and things seem to be picking up.

Don't tell him you love him, it pushes them away and reminds them that they don't love you.

Be patient and see what happens in a little while.

i need a plan of action. he is online all the time now and it is so hard for me to not contact him. What would be most effective? just ignoring him. he isn't contacting me which i guess says something but i just need a plan to keep me from IMing him and saying something i regret or that only hurts my chances

Take him off your buddy list. Until that feeling dies down for a bit.

Your plan right now is to ignore him and to eat the pain. You have got to not contact him. You can see him online, he can see you online. Its no different for him. Eventually he will contact you.

Step away from the hurtful boy.

I was going to agree with davidtorres, that men wont give a woman the time of day unless they're interested. What they're interested in is a different matter. Relationship? Friendship? Sex? Could be anything. That was until you mentioned his lack of confidence. Now it sound like he's using you as an ego boost. He knows that a single text message from him has you spinning on your heels, and texting him back three times as much. That's certainly going to make him feel good about himself.

I've never been in a situation like yours. I think what I would do though is act like we just met, and were dating for the first time. It be like hitting the reset button on us. I'd just play it cool. Start flirting a bit, playing hard to get, trying to be fun and make her laugh, and go on some innocent dates. I wouldn't put any pressure on her to be in a relationship, or pour my heart out to her. I wouldn't hang on her every text/call. That's not something I would do with a girl I just met, and I would be treating the situation like we just started dating. And just like dating someone for the first time, it gives you a chance to assess the person, and decide if you see any kind of future together.

yeah i am concerned too about his confidence being the reason he contacted me and i don't want that to be the reason he comes back ya know? if he thinks i am a sure fire thing (even though i am out of his league to begin with and he and everyone else knows that) He had been moving up a bit and improving and hanging around with new people though.

Anyways- he contacted me before all this confidence stuff really showed to be an issue. SO he'd already been in contact with me through the phone call and text and then weeks later all the confidence stuff blew up. So maybe I was an ego boost but at least it didn't work I guess. I don't want him to feel bad or be down. It broke my heart when I heard he was down on himself. But when he broke up with me he was overly confident. He wasn't ever like that before. He was confident but not pompously so.

When we first started dating I contacted him quite a bit too. He pursued me way more but we were both really into it from the start. I am not sure what to do.

he contacted me to wish me a merry christmas. Is it possible this is just because he wants to be friends or is it a sign he is thinking about me and may want more? I did respond but just left it at that. I am not sure if I should continue communication. I really don't want to get my hopes up but it's hard not to.

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Originally Posted by sunflwr23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

if he thinks i am a sure fire thing (even though i am out of his league to begin with and he and everyone else knows that)

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LOL. No you aren't. You are posting your angst about this guy on a random internet site. I bet he's not doing this about you.

If it makes you feel better to think you are 'out of his league' (whatever that means) then maybe you should start acting like it? Otherwise, its a rather pointless exercise. Or, admit to yourself you are hungup on this guy and 'league' has nothing to do with it. Its just a defense mechanism, I know, but its the wrong one to focus on, IMO.

I was just saying he should have felt lucky to date me in the first place but I fell really hard for him! And now I can't get over him. But it's one of those things where no one thought I would like him and I get told all the time I was out of his league. It doesn't change how much I love him! He should have felt lucky to have me!! I love him though. I am more concerned with what his contacting me especially contacting me to wish me a merry christmas means. All of his other ex-girlfriends he is civil when he sees them but doesn't go out of his way as far as I know to contact him. Yet he has been contacting me still 10 months later. Any thoughts?

Oh sunflower - I've had a quick read of your threads from the beginning. Your emotions are all over the place baby - you're there for the taking and I think everyone reading your posts on this forum can see this so plainly, but more importantly and I reckon your ex does too.

The problem is that in your time "apart", you've not dampened your emotions but simply let them control you and you've become fixated that your ex is the answer to your heartache. Has anything really changed in the last 10 months (from both sides?) - have you grown, learnt anything new about yourself, what you want, need...like?

All I can say is what happens if you get back together and he dumps you again? Would you say you'd be in a stronger position to deal with it than you were 10 months back?

Reply: Things are great, thx for the msg. Merry xmas back at ya!

See what pings. How long were you together for, sorry if I missed that part.

I know my emotions have been ALL over the place and these past months have been really hectic for me. I moved to a new place where I knew NO ONE and had to start over. Starting graduate school and thinking about my future. All of my roommates getting engaged and brutally planning weddings around me and obsessing over weddings. I know I don't want to be the girl who gets married at 23 but I do want to find love and have kids. I have changed in that I CAN think for myself now and I don't feel pressured to get married immediately like I did before or obsess over that. I also had no life outside of my ex at least at school cause I was trying to distance myself from my old friends I had gradually grown apart from. Now I have a life of my own and I have more respect. But I just can't get him off my mind. I just want to improve so if he comes back we can have a better relationship or if I do meet someone knew we won't face the same problem. I just am so confused why he is contacting me and especially thinking about me on Christmas. We were together for a year. I do believe I was his greatest love and he had been my greatest love. I feel like even though we've broken up and he has dated someone else he still can't forget me.

I am curious if the text was actually intended for me or what if it was for another person with my same name? Why is this throwing me for a loop so much!?!?

In my opinion I honestly feel like you have some insecurity and issues in your self worth. You keep mentioning that you are out of his league and that people tell you that all the time? If you really believe it, would you be constantly talking about it and trying to prove it to others? I don't think so. Take a look at this time for improvement, I saw you had a list of things that you have learned and improved from this relationship and that's good. Seeing your ex and yourself for things that you have done wrong in the relationship is good too if you honestly learned a lesson from this.

Remember that you do not need him to be happy. You don't. I don't think you have accepted this yet. There is a big difference between need and want, and for everybody you should WANT to be in a relationship with them because they make you happy. Needing them to be your other half is ridiculous because it sets you up for dependency on another and cushioning you from your own shortcomings and faults. That's why you are so all over the place emotionwise because you feel like without him you are weaker. I think you need to be on your own for a while so you can build up your independance.

As for the text on Christmas, as tempting as it is, please please please don't read into it anymore than it is. I remember my ex girlfriend called me about something she didn't need to call me about and sounded really upset. Naturally I was concerned and I read into it, and a week later I texted her to see how she was doing and it lead to a talk about my feelings and all that. Guess what happened? Got thrown under the bus as she bragged about how awesome her new boyfriend was and how everything was my fault.

Point of the story: Take it at face value. Take it as he wanted to just wish you a Merry Christmas or whatever. If he has more things to say, he will say them at some point. If he cannot be honest with his feelings you cannot have a relationship with him anyway. You don't want to get back together, you would want to start a new relationship. You are doing all this improving for you, not for him and don't try and delude yourself to think otherwise. It's typical that to be on the receiving end of a dump to try and figure out what went wrong and how you can be a better person, while the dumper feels like they are right, they won, and more than likely haven't changed a bit.

Even a slight bit of contact is really messing you up now, if he keeps doing it I would suggest that you tell him he shouldn't and that you need some space.

We were in contact again. I said bye early on and after said bye he imed me back and said feel free to chat sometime soon. We got to talking again and talked on AIM for a long time he eventually said he wanted to hangout sometime soon. He is going to come try to visit his friend from high school. Who he said he really wanted to visit, but for the past 3 weeks he has been 5 mins from her and he has yet to see her or hang out with her. It felt really good! I just don't want to misinterpret things

can anyone give me their opinion?

If a man wants to be with you he makes the effort, if he wanted you he'd been replying to your texts calling u etc and telling you he wants to give it another go. even if you told him you wanted to get back or not.
I was in the same situation, and I realised plain and simple he doesn't want me anymore and nothing I could do about it. It's when you yourself invest so much time thinking about it, talking about it to others that you stop seeing the bigger picture. Take a step back and ride it out. If he wants you he'd contact you!
Delete him off your messenger etc play the waiting game, and who knows something eles may just pop up? don't sell yourself short luv, life is way too short :)