Impossible to work it out?

I'm trying to work past the fact my boyfriend of 3 years slept with another girl when we broke up for a few weeks (5 months ago), along with moving past old trust issues of him seriously flirting with one of his female friends.

So last night I had another nightmare (possibly adderall-induced, it is finals time, after all! lol) that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with a random girl we know for months and was leaving me for her... etc, etc.. you get the idea.

My question is this:

How hard is it to move past something like this? I'm not upset at him for having sex with a chick while we were broken up, but I wont lie, it resonates with something in my soul and still makes me uneasy...

And why after 3 (to 5) freakin' years does this guy not know for sure whether he's happy with me or not? Is it because we're in our mid-20s and not really sure about anything? Should I just move on and wait for a more mature man?

I need some advice ya'll.... It's rather frustrating!

I just feel like I'm not as emotionally invested anymore bc of the breakup (his idea), him sleeping around, and then wanting to get back together. I'm not a freaking play toy! haha

He's really made an effort and been great the past few months, but it is just too late for us now:nerd:?

He broke up with you so he could bang that other chick, got it out of his system and got back together with you. The "serious flirting with a female friend" thing tells me this is likely to happen again.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, Jaylei, but you actually ARE a play toy. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn't break up with you so he could have sex with someone else without repercussions. That's emotionally irresponsible behavior, even if it is technically correct that you weren't his girlfriend at the time.

While you aren't upset that he had sex with someone else while you were broken up, aren't you upset that he clearly broke up with you for that reason and showed that he can do it again?

Why are you with this guy?

No brainer...move on. The guy is a dud and you are giving him the opportunity of stringing you along. Only a jerk would do this to a woman.

Actually, he hadn't even met the girl until after the break up... so that isn't true in a specific sense.

We both were unhappy and he was highly stressed out bc he can't find a job after graduation. I actually made out with a guy friend of mine first after the break up. Then I'm sure after I told him, he felt justified in having random drunken sex on his borthday.

The problem isn't that... it's just that its hard for me to move past. We really thought we were over, but apparently after us breaking up and continuing to hang out constantly and continuing to have sex occasionally, we figured it was worth a shot at making it work.

It's more a question of him growing up and deciding what he wants I suppose.. . I understand its hard to think about a relationship when you graduated 9 months ago and have yet to find a good job.

And yes, the girl is way uglier (not to mention larger) than me so its not a break-up to screw situation. Not trying to be conceited but it was obviously a drunken hook-up, I'm incredibly hotter and not a bad lay sooo... I dunno man.

He was just unhappy. He's always been unhappy and slightly depressed though... Really smart though...

But yeah, I know the girl he's friends with (whom he met the other chick through) so I know the situation...

Plus he came and confessed 2 days after it happened... said he knew it probably ruined everything but he really realized how I couldn't be replaced, that he was miserable, yadda, yadda, yadda.... he just wanted to be happy but realized breaking up wasn't the answer...

So am I still incredibly stupid for thinking it could work out?

Is he still a total douche in your opinion? haha

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And yes, the girl is way uglier (not to mention larger) than me so its not a break-up to screw situation. Not trying to be conceited but it was obviously a drunken hook-up, I'm incredibly hotter and not a bad lay sooo...

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So, your "selling point" is really that you are sexy and that you can make a guy jizz in you? You might want to build up an inventory of additional selling points (e.g. your mind, your classy behavior). Otherwise, you currently have minimal qualifications for being female. That's about it.

Look elsewhere. Dump his ass.

He's still a total douche. You're really glossing over this thing about him flirting with his friend (and purveyor of ugly fatties to hook up with). What's up with that?

Yeah, ass... actually that was the "selling point" in reference to him leaving to "jizz" on another random girl... if you wanna be a dick about it..?

No, the reason we actually work to make things last is because we have so much in common:
ie:

-philosophical ideas
-politics
-religious (or, in our case) non-religious beliefs...

I mean if you really wanna go to town on my "qualifications" for being a female (which, last time I checked are literally only having one pair of XX chromosomes, regardless of sexual endowments- that would be a vagina, uterus & ovaries... just in case I need to clarify) then we can go there, because I guarantee you I'm not some dumb ass hot chick who bases her self worth on her ability to generate ejaculation.

Way to generalize. Who's the douche now? Geez...

Well, thank you Gigabitch for a logical response, its because that "friend" lives in Cali (we're east coast) and he's only met her once... It was completely online and so not really like anything would have come of it, ven though it was disrespectful.

That's the only reason I didn't dump him on his ass. And my definition of flirting might be slightly more strict than others, who knows...

I'll bet it's not more strict than mine. That shit would not fly with me.

Plus, the guy doesn't have a job. I hate an idle man. They get into trouble.

Actually, he does have a job, and is actually looking for a second one to fill his spare time... just not one in the field which he majored in yet. But yes, it'd be nice if the larger corporations were hiring right now. :(

But I agree, I have a rather strict definiteion as well... Its just hard after you've been with someone for so long not to try to work past things which may have been deal-breakers beforehand. I guess that's with any long-term relationship though...

Actually, I got more strict about these things the more serious I got, not more lax. If it's just some guy you're dating, then it's not really a big issue- no "deal" to break, you know?

My boyfriends had it easier than my husbands, that's for sure.

Are you thinking about keeping this one forever? If so, I'd start thinking about what you want to lay down as lifelong rules.

Yeah, we've planned on moving and getting a house together for the past year or so... the job search kinda de-railed that though... and the depression from all thsoe plans not working out is part of what got him I think...

Neither of us wants to rush into marriage, but we've definitely talked about it a lot. It'd just be nice if this whole job/money/career unhappiness thing didn't so directly affect our relationship.... but that's even worse in a marriage I think.

And yes, I've definitely laid down the laws as far as that goes. I'm obviously quite outspoken and we're both pretty logical, and we've agreed on those points. I just hope I can get past the kind-of emotional hurt and move on you know...

Just not sure if there's too many other things going on right now to complicate it all.... hmm...

I know what you mean though, logically that makes sense to get more strict with the level of commitment, and I think I'm a lot like that as well...

Its just that before him, I'd dump any guy on his ass in a heartbeat if I felt disrespected. Actually I didn't even get serious with any guys besides him because I just wasn't feeling it...

But after investing so much into a relationship, I make more of an effort to work through it and not let it happen again I suppose... I think thats what I meant to say the first time, lol

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I know what you mean though, logically that makes sense to get more strict with the level of commitment, and I think I'm a lot like that as well...

Its just that before him, I'd dump any guy on his ass in a heartbeat if I felt disrespected. Actually I didn't even get serious with any guys besides him because I just wasn't feeling it...

But after investing so much into a relationship, I make more of an effort to work through it and not let it happen again I suppose... I think thats what I meant to say the first time, lol

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Say what you mean and you won't be understood here. Also, "investing..." relationships have similarities to other investments...sometimes you have to cut your losses and run.

Way to take responsibility for being a jerk and making rude comments & assumptions!

You've already lost credibilty here bud... lo siento. :)

You're justifying him being a tool.

Move out, move on, find a hobby.
You don't actually KNOW he didn't meet her before unless you were with him at every breathing second of his existence.

Unless he met her randomly at a bar, in which case he's still got some wild-oats thing going on.
He's being sweet because he feels guilty. And will fall back into old patterns soon enough.

edit; and now since I've actually read this whole spam-board,
yea he met her at a bar. Yea he had beer goggles on.
He is still feeling guilty, and he's stringing you along because he has an extreme fear of being alone. When things get rough, he'll suggest another break up, hook up with another bar bunny, rinse, wash, repeat.

I agree, cut your losses and RUN.

Actually I do know they didn't meet beforehand, because we have each other's passwords, etc. and I have seen the entire beginning to end of that deal.... Yeah checking his shit was unhealthy, I know... but I checked nonetheless. Shoot me.

But I do agree he's probably being so sweet because he's feeling guilty about the whole thing. I'm just tired of the back and forth you know... sigh. Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate it..

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Way to take responsibility for being a jerk and making rude comments & assumptions!

You've already lost credibilty here bud... lo siento. :)

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Oh, you are welcome for the free professional advice. What you are doing now is called "projection." Instead of calling your man these things you are sending them my way...because it is easier to make comments like this to me.

The real thing here for is that you've shared your bed with him and given him access to your garden. Emotionally, you feel that if you can keep him, then you are still his loving mate. If he leaves, then you are just the cheap slut.

Get over the emotional barrier that you've built for yourself and make a rational decision to dump his ass.

My normal fee is $200/hr, but consider this a holiday gift.

he sounds wonderful. marry him and have ten kids.

Jaylei, I'll put it simple and short because the thread has turned into you being very defensive of everything about your relationship (which is a normal reaction in a public place). I'll answer your orginal questions.

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My question is this:

How hard is it to move past something like this? I'm not upset at him for having sex with a chick while we were broken up, but I wont lie, it resonates with something in my soul and still makes me uneasy...

And why after 3 (to 5) freakin' years does this guy not know for sure whether he's happy with me or not? Is it because we're in our mid-20s and not really sure about anything? Should I just move on and wait for a more mature man?

I need some advice ya'll.... It's rather frustrating!

I just feel like I'm not as emotionally invested anymore bc of the breakup (his idea), him sleeping around, and then wanting to get back together. I'm not a freaking play toy! haha

He's really made an effort and been great the past few months, but it is just too late for us now:nerd:?

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It's ALWAYS very hard to move on from an LTR. Even when it's you that has been lied to and betrayed.

Why did he wait so long? He's probably been bored with the relationship for longer, but MOST people do not jump ship until they've anchored somewhere else. The fact that he cheated with someone much less attractive than yourself is an even BIGGER red flag that he just wants out...and is only waiting for something decent to come along.

You both have been together since your early 20's...your babies when it comes to life and relationships. You only know each other. He obviously isn't content, which is normal for the guy to feel before the girl, and is biding his time with you until he can get someone else. He's going to treat you like gold to keep your hot pussy around until it can be replaced, so you can expect top notch treatment, don't let it confuse you to the reality of the situation.

That's the basis of it, white-wash it anyway you like. Should you move on with your life, absolutely. The sooner, the better. Will it hurt tremendously, absolutely. Will you save yourself future heartbreak and be happier in the end, absolutely.

It's up to you babe...

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Way to take responsibility for being a jerk and making rude comments & assumptions!

You've already lost credibilty here bud... lo siento. :)

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Jaylei, laying down the smack :lol:

Stop defending this guy. Everyone here is telling you the same thing, if in different ways. Cam is using shocking language to try to wake you up, something you clearly haven't done yet.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to a forum that will tell you only what you want to hear?

This guy is no good. You know it, else you wouldn't be posting. You already know what to do, its just a matter of getting over your insecurities to end it.

Also--Adderall? WTF is it with you kids today? The subject material isn't any harder than when I was in school and I didn't need drugs to cope. I suspect this got Cam's back up in your first post as well. Just take a bit more responsibility for your life, including who you date, and things will be just fine.

Well sure, I apologize for getting defensive. Honestly though, CAM's comments about the relationship aren't what pissed me off, it was the ridiculous comment about the whole "basis/requirement of being a female" thing... that was just plain retarded, and not even a logical statement. But whatever.

I agree with you guys actually thoug... That's what I'm saying, NEITHER one of us are 100% happy with our relationship. We're just trying to figure out why we keep ending up back together.. If its because deep down we really care for each other, or just because we haven't found better?

I'm just trying to figure out if I'm being naive by assuming that there's some perfect guy out there... yes, because I'm only 24, and we're both going to grow up. I imagine two people could be right for each other, they just need to mature a bit. I keep thinking, "What 25yr old guy DOESN'T act like this?" I suppose... maybe I need to just not even think ab a relationship for a long time! lol

I just see people at all ages of life unhappy with their sig. others for one reason or another... I'm just not sure what is worth sacrificing? I mean everyone has disparities in their relationships, so I'm trying to figure out which are deal breakers.

Its just such a tough situation.. sigh

And gimme a break on the adderall man, I know it's a "cop out" to some people, but I do work 40hrs a week and take 6 classes, weeknights, online and on Saturdays. So sometimes I take a few to help me stay awake and study at night... I could really care less how pathetic that is, I've done hella-worse, I'd just like to graduate college at some point before I'm 30. Call me what you'd like.. :(

But thanks Primo, I actually think I get your points better than others...

And to CAM, no I actually have no problem with your whole "garden" deal, I'm not really sure what it is with you, women and sexuality, but all of us aren't controlled by emotions related to whom we have sex with. We're actually affected by more rational thoughts, believe it or not... We do have brains, not just one giant hormone.

Look, I was raped really young so I've never had any problems with attributing my self worth to whether a guy can "jizz" on me or not... (to use your classy words) Capiche? Try not to be so damn assumptive... gahh... Man, somehow you really piss me off easily. lol

I have no qualms about being this guy's "cheap slut," obviously if you've been in a relationship for 3 years, and been friends for 5 thats not the reality. geez...

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Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

edit; and now since I've actually read this whole spam-board,
yea he met her at a bar. Yea he had beer goggles on.
He is still feeling guilty, and he's stringing you along because he has an extreme fear of being alone. When things get rough, he'll suggest another break up, hook up with another bar bunny, rinse, wash, repeat.

I agree, cut your losses and RUN.

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Thanks Lilly! See, I'm really not trying to defend him, per say, I just want people to have the whole story.

So you still think it's unacceptable, even if we were broken up... Maybe I do need to re-evaluate then. I was feeling the same way, but everyone kept telling me "ya'll weren't together, there's nothing wrong with what he did..."

I admit that your comment is what deep down worries me too. That he won't just get unhappy and dump me on my ass again, then come running back. I had enough of that shit with my dad, lol.

I really think you hit the nail on the head with him just being scared of being alone though... Thanks, this helps.

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's what I'm saying, NEITHER one of us are 100% happy with our relationship. We're just trying to figure out why we keep ending up back together.. If its because deep down we really care for each other, or just because we haven't found better?

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You really answered your own question right here Jaylei. People don't like or necessarily want change. They like to be in their comfort zone. You and he have obviously outgrown the relationship, but who wants to walk away from friendship, companionship, a support system and sex partner.

He hooked up and came back to that comfort zone. Like I said, at this point it didn't matter if you're a 10 and she's a 6, if he was drunk 'n horny or sober and stupid. He's ready for change, but not strong enough to walk away from what he has. I'm guessing you probably lay awake at night and think the same thing. You have alot going on in your life and it's hard to walk away from that and be on your own, even though you know it's what you really need.

Until one or both of you are ready, you'll keep coming back. Unfortunately it will probably end poorly when someone connects with someone else before leaving, and you feel cheated on and betrayed in addition to the relationship dying out.

You're trying to move to a different stage in your life...you have goals, hopes and dreams. Is there a perfect guy to share that with? I'm sure there is. Deep down you know what's best for you and hopefully you'll do it on your own terms instead of reacting to a situation that gets handed to you.

Yeah, its scary that I think you guys are right about this... you pretty much hit the nail on the head with that last post... Sighhh.... Oh what a crap-tastic situation, haha.

And I definitely agree, if we did break up, I'd have to be the one to end it so I could move on without those feelings of desertion or anything. I guess its just one of those things, you can't hold on to people forever... :(

Damn, thanks yo.

Jaylei, you've already experienced those feelings of desertion. He broke up with you last time. It's your turn.

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Originally Posted by Jaylei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And to CAM, no I actually have no problem with your whole "garden" deal, I'm not really sure what it is with you, women and sexuality, but all of us aren't controlled by emotions related to whom we have sex with. We're actually affected by more rational thoughts, believe it or not... We do have brains, not just one giant hormone.

Look, I was raped really young so I've never had any problems with attributing my self worth to whether a guy can "jizz" on me or not... (to use your classy words) Capiche? Try not to be so damn assumptive... gahh... Man, somehow you really piss me off easily. lol

I have no qualms about being this guy's "cheap slut," obviously if you've been in a relationship for 3 years, and been friends for 5 thats not the reality. geez...

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I'm a bit gruff, true. That can be hard to take. I may piss you off, but here's a little fact for you: you'd be better off with a gruff direct guy who stands for something than some wimp who will string you along.

The great irony of modern dating is that too many of the men are now the manipulators.... There's a whole slew of reasons why that's happened, but for now I'll just say: be wary of them. They're poison because they are masters of manipulation yet often have all the characteristics of the worst in male predatory behavior.

Glad to hear that you are planning to move on.

Well thanks, that last post was much nicer and I appreciate it :)