I sabotaged our relationship, wondering what to do now

I realized I wrote a frickin' novel before but this is the gist of it:

I'm 23 years old and it's sad to say that I finally met my first love. I just graduated from college this past summer after 5 years at a four year school. During my fifth year, I met a girl who was a junior and it felt like everything just clicked. We started hanging out alot starting last November, she wanted to take it slow, we waited about a month before having sex, and by New Years, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

We continued enjoying each other's prescence and I felt there was no end to what I could be giving her. By February, we were laying in bed together when she just told me she loved me. I was very surprised but told her I loved her back very excitedly. That's when it began going downhill.

I couldn't find any income at school so I was forced to go home on the weekends to work for the rest of the semester (March-May). Our time together went from 7 days a week to three days a week, with me trying to cram in friends, schoolwork and her into three days each week.

When the semester ended, she wanted to live at school because she hated being home (didn't like the kids she grew up with). Her friend backed out of living together and I mentioned something about us living together and she clung to that. When I didn't find any real job for the summer, and loans were piling up, I decided that it was more practical to live at home. She couldn't live by herself and moved to her home 3 hours one way from mine.

During the time we were apart, I began backing away from her. I realized that maybe this love thing came a little quick for me and needed space to realize how I felt. The problem is that I didn't tell her how I felt scared that it would hurt her. She picked up on it instantly and having nobody at home for a social outlet, she clung to me. Called me, texted me, and cried to me all the time asking why I wouldn't call her and text her and send her stuff. This desparation really turned me off and I completely shut down on her.

By the end of the summer, she was back at school and had all her friends back. I graduated so I was back home and apart from her. I brought a friend with me to hang for the weekend because she had to work, and even though I asked if it was okay and she said it was fine, all I got when she was working was "I wish I could hang out with just you." That night we had a huge fight we had where I drank and walked away when she tried to have an argument and a few days later she gave me an ultimatum. We need to go on dates and see each other this many times a month and so on. I didn't communicate to her on the issue and after a week she just stopped calling.

I picked up on it and within a week or two I was calling her asking what was going on. I went to see her and she finally gave me the "We need to talk" statement. She said that I was still the one, just not now, have some faith and I just need some space.

So what do I do? Call and text all the time, shower her with attention and she got angry. The next week I saw her for lunch and pretty much broke down and told her about everything I was doing wrong and that I changed and all that, and begged for her back. All the cliche lines and it wasn't even on purpose. It was sad, she said she wanted to believe me but I was being desparate and gave me all my stuff back.

After that I wrote her a letter saying that "you were right, I wasn't respecting her space and I was sorry for that. I know how we felt for each other is genuine and I'll give you as much space as you need. We just need to have a little faith like you said." This pissed her off even more and I got a phone call screaming about how I thought I was going to get another chance. I didn't get angry, just told her that I was ready to work on things when she was and I wasn't waiting around.

Two weeks went by (we're in October now) and I got a call from her telling her I need to send her brother's video game back. But she called, she sounded upset. I read into it and texted her a few days later saying "You sounded upset, I hope everything is okay, I'd love to talk if you weren't angry." She called me back within an hour, and before I knew it I was telling her how much I loved her, what love was, and how it wasn't out of desparation. Her response? "What you did to me was unforgiveable" and "I have a boyfriend, we are taking it slow, he treats me right and he's facebook official with me like we never were." Ouch.

That weekend I was in town for Halloween and her friends saw me and told her I was around. She texted me all friendly like you should come see me and hang out. I responded with a blunt why? and she responded to that with a pissy "I thought it would be nice to say hi but nevermind." I never ended up seeing her.

The following weekend I was back to visit some friends and I ran into her and her new boyfriend at the bar. I thought I was ready but when I saw her with him I was in such shock and sadness that I ended up just ignoring them the whole night. She saw me knew I was there and I'm sure enjoyed seeing me act like that.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is what the possibility is of us getting back together in the future? I wasn't honest about my feelings, acted selfishly, and really screwed up during the break up stage (went from "you are the one, not now," to having a new boyfriend in about a month). I know that she loves or (loved) me based on how much she was willing to do to keep us together and I know I love her but I discovered it a little too late because I didn't get that space until we broke up. I'd love some honest even brutal opinions if you have them.

You only started showing her any semblance of attention again when she started to leave you alone and move on. You chose to uncommunicative and cold toward her instead of being open and honest. In essence, she went kinda crazy because of you. She was trying to figure out what the f*ck was going on with you and instead of being forthright, you bailed like a chump.

Good for her for developing a backbone and staying clear of you. Sh*t happens and the circumstances you two found yourselves in are certainly not enviable, but you owed her more than just the cold shoulder. Now you're scrambling to get her affections back because you don't have them anymore.

I'd say get over it, get over yourself, and learn from your mistakes.

cmacattack1...
I'm not speaking from personal experience but my take on what will happen is this...

She moved on because she was put in the position where she had to. She may have come on a forum like this and guess what, people would have told her to find someone else. cmacattack1... you have already admitted what you did wrong so I don't feel the need to rub it in. Your posts on this forum have helped me in a lot of ways so I would never get on my high-horse as you seem genuinely a nice fella: Well informed and well balanced but most importantly, you don't claim to be perfect.

She did what I did with my ex, and you acted like my ex did. Its a lose lose situation unless both people know how to deal with a split.

Unfortunately, reconcilling at this stage seems pretty distant. You're only hope is that she doesn't last long with her new boyfriend and that she wants you back. But I got to say, don't sit hoping for it to happen cos you could find yourself hurting for a lot longer than you need to. Just like me.

Personally, the view I'm taking with my own situation is to think more about meeting someone new and exciting than spending my energy on something that will 99% not happen. I don't say this with any sort of ease though, somedays I can't stand the thought I being with someone else but what else is there? I just want to make sure I take everyones advice onboard and am starting to believe that someone else can make me just as happy.

Goodluck mate, think you've lost this one. We just all have to make sure we learn and find happiness elsewhere.

I've always been pretty harsh on myself and it was like me to post everything I've done wrong. To say that she did everything right (and believe me she said those exact words) is ridiculous though and she had plenty of shortcomings her pride wouldn't let her admit to as it comes down to who "wins" the break up. By me admitting I was wrong to her and her just telling me how right she was and how awful I was to her was just her staying in that winning circle.

She was very naive and unrealistic entering the relationship: Two people that have no idea what they are doing with their lives trying to merge together as one was destined to be a disaster. She put faith in me that I would be the answer to her future, to save her from having decide what to do with her future (she admitted that she enjoyed and wanted to be the domestic stay at home housewife). She told me that I was the reason her grades suffered and she gained weight that I took her away from her family and friends when she consciously made those decisions on her own and refuses to take responsibility for her actions.

We both had growing up to do. We both had her priorities mixed up: her putting our relationship above everything else and me putting my whims at the top of my list. And we both were dishonest in expressing our feelings: she moreso to the end of the relationship (she didn't tell me an ex boyfriend was texting and calling and showing up to her house, didn't tell me what she wanted because she didn't want to look bitchy or needy). With all this acknowledged, and the fact that my feelings have not changed, I think it's safe to say my love for her is genuine and not just out of something I want to chase because I can't have.

I'm not clinging to hope when I said I think she still cares about me. I've seen the phrase "Why would you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you?" Even though she initated the break-up, she was faced with that choice because the situation she realized was more unhappiness than happy. It doesn't mean she doesn't still want to be with me, and before I begged and pleaded I know she did. It was better off this way because I have learned and grown more in the last couple months than I have in my whole high school/college career of relationships. I would be ready if she ever wanted to try in the future. I guess I won't know until she contacts me eh?

Yeah exactly. Thing is, I'm kind of jealous of your situation in a weird way, only cos the possibility of me and my ex getting back together was erradicated about 2 weeks after we split cos she started to date someone immediately. That hurt and truely destroyed me in lots of ways.

If your not clinging to hope then thats the best position you can be in. It's so much easier to see things clearly once you have been removed from the situation for a while.

Treasure the memories you shared but know that you'll make new ones with someone else. Probably the best way to look at it.

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Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The following weekend I was back to visit some friends and I ran into her and her new boyfriend at the bar. I thought I was ready but when I saw her with him I was in such shock and sadness that I ended up just ignoring them the whole night. She saw me knew I was there and I'm sure enjoyed seeing me act like that.

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perfect song for your situation:

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVS0zGgZyys"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVS0zGgZyys[/ame]

Ahh she loves that band too. Way to piss in my wound.

Just kidding, but I appreciate it. I listen to alot of hip hop but it's good to keep an ear out for other stuff. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by lhn [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah exactly. Thing is, I'm kind of jealous of your situation in a weird way, only cos the possibility of me and my ex getting back together was erradicated about 2 weeks after we split cos she started to date someone immediately. That hurt and truely destroyed me in lots of ways.

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Well during my break up period when I called her (Katie) to see how she was doing and talked about how much I loved her and all that about love to me, she told me she had a new boyfriend and then we friended on facebook again and they were official with all pictures of us removed and a bunch of new pictures of them together. So I wouldn't say you should be envious (except about the part of seeing her everyday at work, that's gotta be a gutpunch still while not giving her enough space to see you in a positive light again)

She's still at school living up the party life last I knew with her party animal best friend. I remember that her party animal friend was gone to study abroad for the first semester of our relationship, and my girlfriend talked about how she was a toxic friend and how she didn't want to be that person she was anymore. And when her friend got back and saw that she was unhappy, I was pretty convinced she helped my girlfriend break up with me and what do they do? Go back to the same old lifestyle. Which if that makes her happy, great, but how long will that last when she is a senior and has to think about her future?

So it might not be a bad thing. I'm only nervous because I broke up with my girlfriend 4 months before meeting Katie and I was at school and the girlfriend I dumped was out of school. So out of sight, out of mind, I meet Katie and the girl I dumped is a thing of the past. Now that I'm out and Katie's still in I just wonder if it's going to happen to me. I didn't love the girl I dumped and she knew it so I think it was much easier to move on. Katie loved me and was way ahead of it than I was, so I just don't see those feelings going away quickly no matter how hard she tries to move past it.

You've been back and forth with a couple of girlfriends. I say, regardless of all the recent events, take some time to chill out with yourself. Do some reflecting.

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Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well during my break up period when I called her (Katie) to see how she was doing and talked about how much I loved her and all that about love to me, she told me she had a new boyfriend and then we friended on facebook again and they were official with all pictures of us removed and a bunch of new pictures of them together. So I wouldn't say you should be envious (except about the part of seeing her everyday at work, that's gotta be a gutpunch still while not giving her enough space to see you in a positive light again).

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Your clarity and understanding of my situation is astounding lol. I haven't even said a lot of stuff and u clearly understand. Anyway, back to your thread :P

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You've been back and forth with a couple of girlfriends. I say, regardless of all the recent events, take some time to chill out with yourself. Do some reflecting.

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Heh you seemed much more pissed in your first comment. But yeah, that was what I did non-stop for two months so far. A best friend of mine was in a similar situation, although his situation was where he dumped his girlfriend and wanted her back after a year apart. We both have recognized where we've been acting extremely immature, stubborn and dishonest with communicating how we felt.

I know I deserve punishment and a lesson for this and I will take any criticism possible. The aftermath of losing something, the first thing, and the seemingly only thing that is important to you is as close as I can think of as hell on earth.

This is the first time I've ever been in love and doing it all right the first time isn't very realistic is it? The way I've seen it, was that the person I would finally fall in love with.... that would be it for me as a swinging bachelor. Cheating was never an issue for me in the life of a fraternity guy and in an eventual long distance relationship.

I've had serious self esteem issues and they did get in the way of this and I've combed over the relationship's every detail and event. I've worked on myself and taken any step necessary to better myself as a person. How many guys or exboyfriends do you know that have genuinely done that in their early twenties?

If we ever had the chance I would be ready to start a new relationship and as long as she's come along in her own way it would succeed.

You live and you learn. It was a hard lesson, now don't make the same mistake again... with the NEXT girl.

Too much damage has been done, and you were a dickhead. That doesn't mean you will forever be a dickhead. Prove to yourself that you have learnt from this and can treat a girl right. But it won't be your ex that gives you that chance.

My favorite part was during the break up, I told her how much I thought about this and how much I changed. Yet by continuing to contact her, I still being selfish by trying to contact her for her to make me feel better. I never thought I would be in the position to say that.

And it's a tough (albeit deserving) position to be in to have the ex just drop the floor out from under you even though there were red flags. She had me to call and cry and come to without the position of me ever being gone. And I wouldn't have ever left her because of how much I cared about her. She clung onto me until she was ready to dump me and had somebody lined up. Not exactly a brave move in my book.

It's very hard for two people to grow when they are in a relationship. You have each other as that crutch: to "accept you as you are" and cater to each other's needs and insecurities. We can't better ourselves in that position and trust me, we all could better ourselves. That's why this was necessary and in a way I'm kind of glad it happened.

Unfortunately, who knows what the future holds. I wouldn't say that she won't ever give me another chance. I want to give her time to build up some more trust in me, because the next time I see her I won't be the same person that she dropped in the relationship.

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Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's very hard for two people to grow when they are in a relationship.

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I disagree completely. I think it's when we're alone that we are not challenged and encouraged to change and grow.

At least you're learned something.

Could you please not just sit, dwell, and wish for the day she comes back (if she ever does...) Get on with your life and consider her gone.

And you don't know that she was holding onto you until she had another guy lined up. A month is long enough to get over someone and get into a new relationship especially when things have been going sour in her books for a long time.

I can relate entirely to the situation. Mine lined the next guy up...

I've nearly moved on entirely and it hurt/hurts.

Ugh... learning this stuff is tough!

"Lining the next guy up" isn't always a conscious move. Sometimes it takes meeting a new person to give you a fresh perspective on relationships. I spent 2 years with a very bipolar guy. He would cycle through bouts of anxiety and depression, a good portion of which he attempted to blame on me and take out on me. I loved him and wanted to be there for him.

In the midst of the cyclical hell that was our relationship, I became close friends with a coworker. We had a lot in common, but eventually we fell out of touch for a bit when he left for a new job. We got in touch again right as my boyfriend and I were falling apart, and right after we broke up began spending time together. I didn't intend on dating him, but our feelings for one another grew very quickly. I'd been so stressed and upset over my ex for a long time that it was nice to just have someone appreciate me and the time they spent with me.

am I the only person who finds it sad that a Facebook relationship status is the modern marker for how serious one is about their SO? :surprised


*shakes head*

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Originally Posted by flea [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

am I the only person who finds it sad that a Facebook relationship status is the modern marker for how serious one is about their SO? :surprised

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It's interesting that you say that. My current boyfriend and I unanimously decided we were not going to advertise our relationship on Facebook. We'd both been through the bullshit of explaining to others "What happened?!" when everyone sees the little heart-breaky symbol on your wall feed. We didn't want to deal with any of that and felt our relationship should be above that kind of ridiculousness.

Then my boyfriend and I were drinking one night a few weeks later and he said, "Y'know... I've been thinking of posting our relationship on Facebook." I asked him why and he said, "I'm really proud that you're mine and I want to show you off." I wasn't gonna object after that. Haha. I'm a chump :D

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's interesting that you say that. My current boyfriend and I unanimously decided we were not going to advertise our relationship on Facebook. We'd both been through the bullshit of explaining to others "What happened?!" when everyone sees the little heart-breaky symbol on your wall feed. We didn't want to deal with any of that and felt our relationship should be above that kind of ridiculousness.

Then my boyfriend and I were drinking one night a few weeks later and he said, "Y'know... I've been thinking of posting our relationship on Facebook." I asked him why and he said, "I'm really proud that you're mine and I want to show you off." I wasn't gonna object after that. Haha. I'm a chump :D

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for the record, I hate Facebook and anything to do with it. it's a festering boil on the ass of the world that needs to be lanced, imo. this relationship status business is just one example of why.

Im on facebook, but dont post anything to do with relationships on there. I couldnt give two hoots about relationship stuff that becomes news on there.

Its ridiculous 'measuring' your relationship based on whether you are listed together or not on there.

I think the whole facebook thing she said just to take another stab at me. She knows me very well and knows I'm way too harsh and never validate or give myself enough credit. We friended again when she had her new boyfriend to show me that they were facebook official and to show me that she took down all pictures of the two of us.

Now her status is hidden again and she doesn't have pictures of the two of them or the two of us. Sounds like an awful lot of work. And those are the only two times I've dared to look since the break up.

Her complaining during the relationship about it not being facebook official, I understand that girls like the little things and that I should be proud of our relationship, but isn't it a tad insecure that she needed that as proof that I was going to be there for her? Is there really any relationship security in a relationship that's six to eight months young? I just think there has to be security in yourself. And that's why I believed it was destined to fail even if I did every request to obey what she wanted me to do. Because I was and always have been insecure in my confidence and she was insecure in her self worth, despite being a very intellegent and absolutely gorgeous young woman?

I just said that she most likely had him lined up because they met each other while things were going bad and hung out all the time for a month. Within two weeks of us not talking they were together (facebook official) and she was jumping at the opportunity to tell me how he was nice, treated her right, and how they were taking it slow, etc. etc. She was miserable for months and possibly was dating him while we were together ( I would always hear from people that she went home with him from the bars and she would claim that he just walked her home and all that). I understand that it's the easy way out and an easy way to fill the void, that's why I think that.

you made a mistake and youre paying for it. also, youre analyzing too much after the break. accept that she had moved on. Anyhow, as much as it hurts just move on. dont think about her since that will make you want her back even more. start dating girls... ive been through heart breaks. one thing i learned, never give your all. always keep something for yourself so if ever it doesnt work out, you wouldnt get hurt that much.

That could be very true. She could have totally moved on. And yeah, I am analyzing it because it meant alot to me and I want to take every little scrap of this to figure out what went wrong and why.

And despite me talking about it all the time, guess what? I have moved on. But, my favorite phrase to say now, is that just because I have moved on does not mean I don't still have feelings for her and care about her. I know that I can live without her and be happy. The next time we talk, and we will talk again, whether she still feels for me or not will not be important. If she still does great, if she doesn't, life moves on. It doesn't change how I feel about her, and that's truly what selfless love is. Having those feelings for somebody without expecting them in return.

Sure talking about it all the time isn't exactly an awesome pick up line. It's tough being a 23 year old post undergrad living at home to be dating heh. I have been talking to a few girls but it hasn't been enough time for me to be in a new relationship, especially since I cannot give 100 percent to a new woman. It's only been about a month and two weeks since me and the ex last talked and I'm in no rush here to be with somebody else.

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am I the only person who finds it sad that a Facebook relationship status is the modern marker for how serious one is about their SO?

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I wish I never changed my Facebook status a month and a half after we were dating. All my friends came out of the woodwork to congratulate me. Now I'm going to have to change it back to "Single", and I don't feel like explaining to all those same friends what happened.

Maybe you should all just put "it's complicated" because that's always true.

I customized my Facebook page so that my relationship status is not visible on my wall page, only the info page. I also took away all notifications regarding relationship status, wall posts, etc. No one hears about it when I do anything on Facebook, unless it involves them directly.

This will prevent the whole "Awww, what happened?" if the BF and I do ever break up. And I dunno why anyone needs to know if I posted on Suzie's wall.