Go on, spill your stories, you know you want to..
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Go on, spill your stories, you know you want to..
ahhh couple of times when I've been so wasted I've failed to maintain an erection. I was so drunk I didn't give a shit either. Just passed out. What a man.
That would be the ex with a weaner that didnt like foreplay or any position but missionary..and he didnt last long..about 2 minutes(no im not joking)
needless to say he never once satisfied me so i ditched him.
Gf I had in college. Was obsessed by HIV, would do nothing without a condom, even after we had been together for six months. Always used "protection", for oral as well as vaginal. Would have me use mouthwash before and after deep kissing. Always carried a spray bottle of disinfectant when we went out, would spray and wipe anything she touched. Bat-shit crazy.
Rebound guy after breakup with college boyfriend. He was CUTE, but had absolutely no skills whatsoever. I thought he was going to pull my tits off with his lips and then he would just climb on and flail away for anywhere between one and two minutes.
Oh, my God. The memories.
I only slept with him a few times- I kept thinking I must have been mistaken, nobody could possibly be that bad, he had to improve. Nope. He didn't. The last time, I actually laughed. I couldn't help it. That was the end of that.
Are you trying to trick someone into telling you what a vagina feels like?
You know, I didnt even notice it was BJ who started this threadQuote:
Originally Posted by Chupacabras [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Surely he knows it's like nice warm apple pieQuote:
Originally Posted by Chupacabras [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I don't know about that one @all alone. BG may not know about the poo nan nee.
haha.. i was going for the american pie reference, im with you on that one =\Quote:
Originally Posted by CocoChanel [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
We were on the floor and I was pulling out to slip the condom off and ejaculate on her stomach, (or wherever). Well she wasn't really paying attention and as I shot my first load, she realized what was going on, and pushed herself away from me because she thought I was aiming right at her snatch. So when she pushed herself away, she actually put herself into the danger zone, and I could've sworn one of those gobs hit her down there.
Sad because it would have been a really good orgasm (one of the few), but I was dumbstruck frozen, and she was panicked, and my penis just kept on poppin' 'em out like it didn't have a care in the world.
Hahahaha wtf.Quote:
Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
lol nice thread.
Mine: I was a virgin and so was he - both of us completely clueless and had no idea what was down there or how it all worked (we both grew up in conservative Christian families - sex and our bodies were taboo and off-limits). He couldn't figure out where to put it... I didn't think it would be that hard; there's only two places right, lol... he ended up getting a flashlight and spreading my legs open and poking around with a completely confused, dazed and overwhelmed look on his face. In retrospect I realized that he wasn't even hard (I had no idea that guys even get hard in the first place, nor that it is kind of an important part of the process). I ended up closing my eyes and trying to 'find a happy place' in hopes that it would be over soon.
He was never successful, and neither was the relationship, suffice it to say.
LOLOL! Here we read an example of the complete opposite of what Mother Nature intended. Anti-evolution at its finest.Quote:
Originally Posted by kms [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
No kidding. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by kms [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I don't want to talk about it except to say he was very hairy and sweaty, which is a terrible combination.
Actually I think humans with all the extra intelligence we got we also invented the lack of common sense since we need it to replace instincts. I just slid my penis all the way down her vagina the first time and at one point it just slipped right in. I really don't understand, was he trying to put it in like a dart?Quote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I will never again take a drink while reading this forum. In an effort avoid blasting tea from my nose on to my laptop, I nearly choked to death on it instead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chupacabras [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
THAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS :D
And since someone was talking about warm apples: My BFF always suggests a cantaloupe warmed in the microwave. She never mentioned how she knew that, though...
Edit edit: I had double posting, but I figured this was worth the cuntpaste:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
LOL!!..you have no idea the images i now have in my head!!!! :SQuote:
Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
LMAOQuote:
Originally Posted by kms [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
hey..hair and sweat can be good..Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
LOL this guy thinks hes exploring a caveQuote:
Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Not the worst sex ive had, but one ex used to do a high pitched scream when he came...he couldnt help it- i had to try so hard not to burst out laughing!
I also had a Lady, who when she came would claw my back, and sometimes hyperventilate. Scared the crap out of me the first time she did it.
omg, so nearly got in trouble at work.Don't think I've laughed so hard for such a long time.
Frasbee, thanks very much. One of the funniest things I've read, ever! Literally crying over here.
My ex gave me a bj under the desk at work once. Unfortunately she accidently 'teethed' me and made me jerk whilst I was trying to talk to another colleague on the phone. Her head hit the underside of the desk and my glass of water unloaded over my keyboard. Wasn't the sort of 'unloading' we had planned on but it made us both giggle.
Especially as I then sat there horny as hell for an hour or so. She got spooked and couldn't continue lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerty123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Yeah, it can. Just not when the guy is coated head to toe in hair like the missing link, and dripping sweat onto you like a leaky faucet.
Add that to the fact he's terrible at sex. Terrible.
Spelunking!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sanctuary [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
@ only-virgins:
lol well, like I said, he wasn't even hard, and I wasn't wet - it definitely wasn't going in there. :P Needless to say, we had issues.
well i can't say i've had any terrible sex... but this one time i was hooking up with a guy for the first time and he was having trouble staying hard, and admitted he had jerked off not long before i came over (it wasn't planned that i was going over), so that was slightly awkward. then he was having some condom troubles. normally this wouldn't matter but since this was the first time i just kinda had to sit there waiting in awkward silence while he fiddled around trying to get the condom on right baha.. i'm guessing he wasn't all that experienced which was a surprise. on the bright side after that the sex was pretty good lol.
I've never understood how anyone can have trouble putting on a condom.
I've seen guys get so excited they try to put it on wrong-side out. I usually put it on, as I've developed a method to avoid in-the-mood flighty-ness.Quote:
Originally Posted by Frasbee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
I haven't had too many atrociously bad sexual experiences. Earlier this year I hooked up with a co-worker after my ex and I split. I was looking for some heavy rebound action and this particular guy was always good for some. I also figured that because he had chicks fawning over him a lot that he had some skills. Wrong.
We slept together a few times and it really just involved him going at me for 5-10 minutes until he came. He once commented in the middle of sex, "I want to get you off!" I feigned most of my enjoyment and let him finish up, but I never faked an orgasm. I'm pretty sure he had no idea what to do with my clitoris and I was not in the mindset to educate him.
Guys, if you're 24 and sexually active, take steps to make sure you know what the hell you're doing. I was very unimpressed and got bored very quickly.
LOL the ex I had my first time with is a lady magnet. SOME HOW.
We hooked up a couple of times while I was flying solo for a while. BIG MISTAKE. There is a move I will refer to as "the washing machine". How it got invented and why guys do it, escapes me. It's when in missionary, the guy decides he's going to rotate his hips around and swivel around.
It does nothing for me sexually, and only served as more ammo for future drunk story telling. I don't think he (or any of the guys that think it's a good idea) do it anymore.
LOL What the hell??? This thread is awesome.Quote:
Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Be thankful you've never experienced it. INSTANT mood killer.
This is an awesome thread though.
My worst wasn't really that bad, because its kind of an OV story.
I was going DT with my neighbors and some mutual friends. I hadn't lived in my current place long, so I really didn't know them all to well. I noticed a cute girl when I walked into their place while we waited for a cab, find out its the neighbors step sister.
We go DT, drink and drink and drink, dance, laugh, etc, etc. Somehow I get separated from the group, and I have the step sister with me. Well I am not about to ditch a girl alone DT, especially if they are cute. I grab a cab and head back to the neighbors place. We make a pit stop at Del Taco, because I am drunk, starving and at the top of my reasoning game.
We get back, and I head next door to my place. The sister calls my phone (I never gave her my number) and asks if she can come over for a bit because people are arguing over there. I obviously say yes and jump into the shower to get the bar smell off me so i don't track it to my sheets. I come out and she's laying on my bed looking like she is asleep. I jump into bed and turn off the light. She was not asleep, just waiting to jump when when the lights went out.
I remember looking at the clock at 2:45 AM.....I black out.......3:45AM and this chick is STILL GOING. That was the last thing I remember.
I wake up the next morning, not remembering anything from the night before. I don't know who this is in my bed and I have to be to work in an hour. I get up and try to sneak to the shower....no luck....my roommate is sitting in his chair, in his boxers, eating cheerios. He laughs for a good 20 seconds then asks me what I am doing. He fills me in on what happened once I got back to the house because my thundering feet down the hallway woke him and his gf up.
I get ready for work and this girl finally wakes up. She gets dressed and grabs her things. Gives me her number and a kiss, tells me to call her and prances out the door to her sisters. I never called, it was just too weird all the way around.
I thought I had totally sank the ship with the neighbor over this, that she was going to hate my guts. Come to find out, this girl that I bunked with is a bit of a female player (slut is too harsh for me to accept >.<). Turns out, she really liked me and wanted me to call her back, apparently not normal for her. The neighbor and her friends thought this was absolutely hilarious, because I had beaten her step sister at her own game and had no idea.
Strangest night/sex of my life.
Hey....how is this an OV story? :( .... I never got laid with the neighbors girls :sad2:Quote:
Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Lmao, the passing/blacking out part.Quote:
Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Considering the fact that my sexual life is uninteresting...I can only offer a tale from about a week ago.
So we're at a friend's house, celebrating the start of his new business...so after a few hours of dancing, partying, everything starts to cool down and most of the people are either drunk and asleep or doing their thing in the few remaining spots away from curious eyes.
Being the only one sober, I go to check out the house and I enter one of the bedrooms and see a guy trying to hump his girlfriend. After a few attempts of...can't really describe it...I looked as if he was trying to stab her...the girl is all laughing like wild, cuz its obviously tickling her, all the "stabs" in the stomach, legs and around her vagina.
Then the guy makes something like a last ditch effort and actually throws himself thrusting at the girl attempting to put his dick inside by using brute force, he misses again.......he falls off the bed......and as he hits the floor...he gets a taste of his own product right in the upper torso and probably right in the face.
Took me half an hour to stop laughing...needless to say the guy ran away as soon as he found his clothes leaving his girl in the same hysterical laugh I was experiencing.
Good man. The way it should be. Too many feminists, now all of a sudden it is our responsibility to make sure women enjoy sex. Notice it is mostly women complaining on this thread ?Quote:
Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
There are a fair amount of horrible chicks out there. Trust me, u dont ever want to end up with a 'starfish', who just spreads her limbs out then lies still haha.Quote:
Originally Posted by BoredGeorge [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
But wait, i forgot, its BG.
I'm good.
I know I'm good.
I also know when a man is bad. And you've given me the right to spill my horrible stories. If I take advantage, you CAN'T accost me for it :P
BoredGeorge, are you telling me that all/any women you've been with are perfectly comfortable going spread eagle, letting you do your thing, and they find complete contentment in that? I find that hard to believe.
Or do you just enjoy deluding yourself into believe that all the moaning she is doing is because your doing a good job and not out of sheer boredom?