Is my relationship doomed, or should I hang in there?
I'm trying to figure out if my relationship has actual legs, or if it's doomed.
I'm a 52 year old widower. 9 months ago I met the 50 year old woman I'm currently in a relationship with. We happened on each other in an online forum not related to love / romance. We were initially attracted to each other's writing style and ways of expressing ourselves. At the time we met, her husband had died 3 months prior, my wife, about 18 months prior.
Now, as then, I am basically done with my grieving, have no financial or personal issues, no health issues, and my kids are out of the nest. On the other hand she still at this distance has unresolved grief, two teens at home (great kids, though, and I get on with them very well indeed), serious estrangement drama with her father, and her late husband left her with terrible financial woes that came to light only after his death.
She's a very independent, ethical person, and wants no rescuing. She's never taken a dime from me or taken advantage of me in any other way, has always been up front and honest with me. However, our relationship is not one of financial or emotional equals at present. The only parity is that we're both physically healthy, as far as we know, and we intuitively "get" each other in all the important ways. We both feel that we can be completely ourselves with each other.
She's risen above a very difficult childhood, has made her way in the world, raised two delightful children. I respect her immensely for figuring out life pretty much on her own, and overcoming terrible odds to live more mindfully and intelligently than most people with all the advantages manage to do. Maybe better than I have, come to that.
Predictably, though, she's shut down emotionally. At times, she pulls away. It has made it impossible for me to sort out how much of her issues are situational, how many are chronic / preexisting / likely to persist. She does admit to having generalized anxiety disorder, although you'd never know it to meet her -- she's not the nail-biting, fretful type. She has chronic insomnia, mostly. But she doesn't take it out on me or anyone else.
Since I am a telecommuter, I mothballed my house and took an apartment near her for the past 6 months, to get to know her in a more normal fashion. I hang out with her maybe 3 days a week, except when she "goes dark" on me because she "needs space". At these times she'll randomly quit answering the phone or even emailing me, and the days we'd normally spend together come and go without apparent regret on her part. It's happened twice now, at times when she's particularly stressed. At these times rather than reaching out to me for support and a listening ear, she reverts to her childhood avoidance pattern of going it alone. Although a couple of times she has gone the other way, falling into my arms and opening up to me completely -- for a day or two, and then thinking better of it.
Now she wants me to go back home for some open ended number of months while she sorts out her feelings / issues / figures out what she wants. Says she wants to experience living alone, without a man for a time. She won't make me any promises. Which speaks to both her integrity, and her ambivalence. In theory, we'll be in touch most every day, by phone or email. She won't be seeing other men, if for no other reason than that she can't handle me as it is.
Intellectually I'm fine with all this. But at a heart level ... I'm going to suffer, because I'm going to miss her and her children terribly. When I'm actually with her, it's wonderful for me. I've come to love the life I've built for myself here with her, even with its limitations.
I don't have a scarcity mentality, but I seriously doubt I will meet the likes of her again. She is intelligent, honest, ethical, non-judgmental, mature, and very wise. It doesn't hurt that she's gorgeous. I am clear that I would be very happy living with her. I believe she loves me, but she finds it impossible to open up to me beyond a certain point -- a point that keeps moving around in a way that is frustrating and emotionally demanding for me. Probably for her too. I've consulted with a psychiatrist who tells me this is perfectly normal and to be expected, given her circumstances.
So I have a dilemma. Is there enough data here for me to conclude that it just can't possibly work out between us? Or do I risk another 6 to 12 months to see how it shakes out? I'm inclined to try to see her through this, but the emotional roller coaster is getting to me -- it's taking me down a bit. People like my love, who are struggling with anxiety combined with actual, real life stress, can be, in effect, self-absorbed, distracted, and flaky, while not meaning to. I'm not getting what I need from the relationship, and we both know it. My feeling is she's worth waiting for, at least for a time. But it's possible that feeling, powerful as it is, can't compensate for the fact that I am lonely and not feeling even the minimal level of commitment I want to see out of a relationship.
At present the plan is for me to drive back to my home 1700 miles away, in mid-January. For us to be in touch by email and phone, and probably to see each other every few weeks for a couple of days as long as I am willing to foot the travel expense, which I'm well able to do.
My basic problem with that is that I'll spend months missing her, feeling deprived, wondering which way things will go with us, and I would guesstimate that the odds of me coming back to continue pursuing our relationship in person -- much less the odds of us just being together and getting on with life together -- are probably not better than 40 percent. Because her ability to move forward is largely circumstantial, and the circumstances are largely not in her control.
On the plus side, I think she's moving along pretty normally grief-wise, and the thing with her Dad is probably stable for now. Her kids are well adjusted and likely won't inject any new problems into the situation. She's about 18 months away from the first one heading to college, so whatever adjustments that entails -- empty nest syndrome or whatever -- I suppose worrying about that at this distance is just borrowing trouble.
So what do y'all think? Do I give her, say, 6 months to get her shit together enough that we can move forward? Or do I just take the pragmatist's point of view and move on?
She's not holding me. She recognizes this isn't fair to me, and has said more than once that I'm free to play the field (though I can tell, secretly, she doesn't want me to). But that's not my style.
So between the fact she's a wonderful human being, and that I love her, and that I don't consider her a fungible commodity -- I tend to want to wait. But on this particular winter night, the odds seem so very, very long, and I feel that I'm getting too old for this sh_t.
Anyway ... thanks for listening, and I appreciate any thoughts or advice or clarifying ideas you might have for me.
