Men with kids

I am 25 year old woman with no kids and I've never been married. I've dated a man with kids before and did not like consistantly coming in last place. All the cancelled dates, not seeing him when I want to but rather when he feels like seeing me, YUCK!!! After that I decided that I didnt want to date a man with kids.

But now this guy has come along and he seems really nice. I've been trying not to be prejudice against him having a child but I dont get to see him as much as I would like. Everytime I pull away from him, he's right there being nice, doing everything I would want from a boyfriend. AAggghh! Maybe I'll tell him lets just be friends.

Oh yeah, other than the always being second thing, I also thought it would be nice to marry someone that didnt have kids, so that we could share that new experience together.

Anyway I just want to know your opinions. Do you think that I should see where this goes (because so far he is nice) or just head for the hills and spare myself the emotional agony? What would you do?

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Originally Posted by moonfairy_2002 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

but rather when he feels like seeing me, YUCK!!! After that I decided that I didnt want to date a man with kids.

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You're apparently too selfish to handle a relationship where you aren't held up on a mighty fine platform.

Constantly being around a s/o, especially in the beginning, is the demise for a lot of relationships.

It's not about when he "feels like seeing you" it's a matter of realising that children, no matter whoes they are always come first when a partner is involved in a relationship. Especially young ones.

I'd say, stay away. Not for your sake, for his. Make it clear you're not looking for a relationship from him, do NOT string him along and continue to seek men flying solo.

I think you need to know more about why he is divorced(?) with kids. That's a hell of a thing to do to your child. Unless there's a really good reason, that you can verify, it could be a sign of a selfish personality.

So, generally, speaking I would be wary of a man with kids, yes. Same goes for single moms. It might be okay, but warrants closer scrutiny.

Speaking as someone who married someone with kids, I think is a HORRIBLE idea for anyone without children to date someone WITH them unless they are pushing 40.

To all you single parents out there, I apologize.

I don't think it's selfish to not want to date people with children. I think it's hard enough to get a relationship going when it's just one-on-one, nevermind throwing a child in the mix. It's pretty much getting into a relationship with two or three or more people. I think single people are better suited to other single people. Not to say there isn't exceptions.

For me, it's just a case of not wanting to play mommy to offspring that isn't mine. I don't want to deal with ex-drama, which is always worse when they had a kid together because now YOU'RE part of the kids life and so the ex feels they have the right to scrutinize you.

I worked with a woman who married a guy who was divorced with five kids. After they got engaged, all I could hear her talking about was how the ex was a 'bitch' and that she wasn't going to get one penny more of child support after they were married (and they'd never even met). I mean, come on. What a poisonous environment for the kids.

And just as a note, I reckon a guy prioritizing his kids over a woman he met recently is a plus, not a minus.

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Originally Posted by Lipp [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And just as a note, I reckon a guy prioritizing his kids over a woman he met recently is a plus, not a minus.

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Women may THINK they want a man like this, but really, if it were HER kids, she wouldn't have it.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think it's selfish to not want to date people with children. I think it's hard enough to get a relationship going when it's just one-on-one, nevermind throwing a child in the mix. It's pretty much getting into a relationship with two or three or more people. I think single people are better suited to other single people. Not to say there isn't exceptions.

For me, it's just a case of not wanting to play mommy to offspring that isn't mine. I don't want to deal with ex-drama, which is always worse when they had a kid together because now YOU'RE part of the kids life and so the ex feels they have the right to scrutinize you.

I worked with a woman who married a guy who was divorced with five kids. After they got engaged, all I could hear her talking about was how the ex was a 'bitch' and that she wasn't going to get one penny more of child support after they were married (and they'd never even met). I mean, come on. What a poisonous environment for the kids.

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Oh I by no means meant it wasn't selfish to not date a man with kids. I am amazed at some of the crap current boyfriend has put up with just from listening to me deal with son's father (and we're 2 states away). I try to keep him out of it,

what I meant simply was: When you get yourself involved in a relationship with someone who HAS children, you're going to have to recognise you'll always run into second. Anyone who puts a new lover over their children is ridiculous. I HATE seeing that happen.
She recognises that men with children aren't for her. Good.
Please don't date men with children and make them feel like garbage for taking care of what they already brought to his earth.

I'd punch a guy who expected me to dump my son every second he wanted to see me. My baby comes first. Always.

Not to mention; if he is introducing you to the children after a short span of dating, I would worry. My son (even though he's 2) doesn't need to be introduced to EVERY guy I could consider going out with. I've said it once and I'll say it again; If they have to be in a situation where they're together, I keep the love-y dove-ys down. I wouldn't want my guy to think I'm trying to saddle him with responsibility, or my son to think I'm lobbing another potential father figure at him.
*THAT* is an environment full of poison.

Jeezuz, you women are really vicious today. I am a very good man. I have health, wealth, am considered handsome, and am good in bed, plus I have a good sense of humor and I am intelligent and honest to a fault. Every woman I have dated or been in a relationship with has enjoyed the experience, except one, and she left me with kids, to pursue an artistic career, telling me she isn't "cut out", for motherhood, although she still wants us to f**k. So now I am automatically chopped liver. I have been reduced to having short-term sexual relationships and FWB'S, because once the women know I have youngsters, that's all they will accept.

I get nasty when kid's lives are concerned.

Parents have feelings too. And it isn't a good idea to yo-yo them around (just like a person with no kids) because you think you might like them.
If kids is a deal breaker for you, stop right there.

I'm sure Perry, some woman will enjoy you for you and pursue a relationship with you and your kids. You might just have to hop off the FB train.

I'm inclined to ask though. What are your bad points? :)

Bad points? I'm not aware of any> JK. I sometimes come across as arrogant and abrupt, (only partially true), and because I own my own business, I have little or no tolerance for deceit or BS (completely true). I come from a Military family and have trouble showing emotion (which I'm working On). All of theses things make me seem to be judgemental, (which is completely untrue). It's really sad that people look at me and label me a single parent, and never try to get to know me. Every woman wants to f**k me, nobody wants to love me. I guess most single parents feel this way.

I can absolutely understand where you're coming from.

Do you have a strong support group? Friends or family? Those help a lot. And putting yourself out there. Which is hard considering time constraints. Baby sitters are okay every once in a while.

I'm lucky that I have my own business, so I can be there for my kids, but my parents live away. I have a housekeeper/nanny whom my kids adore, but at night when they are asleep it gets pretty lonesome. My ex comes to see the kids about once or twice a month, and is always wanting to screw, but says she will not "give up her muse". Sucks to be me, I guess.

Not everyone can have everything.

Are you sure your ex doesn't have a personality disorder? I can't imagine abandoning my son to "follow my muse".

Oh, I'm pretty sure that something is wrong with her, because she didn't act this way , in the beginning. She has always been into photo-journalism, but one of her profs, said that she had genuine talent, and she took it from there. I have never said one word against her having an art career, but only pointed out that we have kids and her being away for long periods of time wasn't good for them. She and her Prof (female) live together, so there might be other issues, although she swears that they are "mentor and student",and nothing more. IDK.

Mentor and student a la lesbian BDSM?
That sets my alerts off all at once.

It's good though that you've been supportive of her. It shows you're patient at the very least.

That's one of the things I don't understand. When she comes to visit the kids, she always wants sex (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't) and when we do, she is blown away, and begins to cry and get all guilty and sad. She tells me she loves the kids, and me but can't be "something she isn't", whatever that means.

Sounds like a personality disorder. I'd recommend not having sex with her and her being evaluated.

It sounds like she has a lot of guilt, and doesn't know how to balance being responsible and doing what she wants.
Some people have a hard time maturing after highschool :(

You don't need to accept anyone elses kids. I would never date a woman with kids.

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't need to accept anyone elses kids. I would never date a woman with kids.

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And I assume that because a woman + kids is a deal breaker for you, you wouldn't consider it even if said woman was nice and you got along great, yes?

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Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And I assume that because a woman + kids is a deal breaker for you, you wouldn't consider it even if said woman was nice and you got along great, yes?

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Yes

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Originally Posted by Only-virgins [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes

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My point then. If someone has/does something that is an automatic deal breaker for you, don't screw around with them.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My point then. If someone has/does something that is an automatic deal breaker for you, don't screw around with them.

Thank you.

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In this case where kids are involved I agree. I leave it alone. I might make a milf joke but that is about it. Now other deal breakers that are smaller I ignore...just for the sex at least because women walking around places and looking for nothing but sex like men do are a myth.

This question is just about as tricky as abortion rights.

You have two choices, you can make a strong case for either and have the right to make that choice.

I have met a handful of single fathers, and am friends with a few. With the exception of one, they are all stellar dads in every way. These guys have my eternal respect, most guys just turn and run rather than step up to the plate. Women step up all the time, but sadly, the father position seems to be the easier role to slip out of than the mother position. I think a good single father is not only a sign of a very well organized man, but an anomaly in an otherwise stereotypical "no father in the picture" world.

I could date a woman with a child if the circumstances of the pregnancy were responsible.

A good friend of mine just married a girl with a child from a previous marriage, and he's my age.....22.

I asked him:

"Wade, why did you get involved with a girl that had a kid? Seems like a huge additional strain that you didn't need."

His answer was pretty simple, and was probably one of the most selfless things I have heard another person say.

"Caitlynn may not be my blood, but it makes no difference. I love her all the same, and she is my daughter no matter what science says."

I was lost for words at that point, there was nothing to say. I hope one day I am as selfless as he is.

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Originally Posted by Cbrider [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"Caitlynn may not be my blood, but it makes no difference. I love her all the same, and she is my daughter no matter what science says."

I was lost for words at that point, there was nothing to say. I hope one day I am as selfless as he is.

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This sounds like your friend has already built a relationship with the child in the first place. I'm no heartless walking robot either which is why I would rather just from the beginning stay away.

In response to the initial post. I think it is very valid at 25 not to want to be involved with a man having children. I even think that you are being mature by acknowledging the difficulty this could represent.
I have a male friend, early 40s who got involved very quickly with a younger woman with 3 very young children and an abusive ex-husband to handle.
A few years down the line. My friend is having a very stressful and busy life. He can't remember if he is with her out of duty or because he loves her.
He is not unhappy but can't really say he is. He just goes on about having to take on his responsibility now that the kids are used to him and so on...
Ok, the mother is a lovely and extremely pretty woman. But they seldom have time to enjoy their relationship (sex is most times out of the picture). One of the boys has behavioural problems which is adding to the taskl!!!

What I am trying to say is: my friends got all flattered and passionate about this beautiful young woman wanting him. He never thought it through and got engaged within 6 months of dating her (ok he also knew her from work before). Even my friend's mother was at loss trying to understand what was going on...

Please take your time. Wait before getting involved too deep with the children. get to know him first and I would say avoid acting out of duty when things develop.
What I mean is taking care of a family demands time and devotion. At 25 some are ready but most people still need to experience life for themselves before settling down.

Your right Perryville
Single dad here also, just got through with a relationship that ended partially because of kids. The Ex. made the comment that my kids run my life, no they just came first, she also had three kids and her kids loved me more then then her, because they came before us.
I would always make time for her (I treated her like an Angel she wanted nothing or needed nothing, during the school year sex was at least 7 times per week and better every time) but not at our kids expense. She is very selfish and even admitted it. She would leave her kids all the time to come over at night for booty call I wouldn't leave my kids all night no matter how good she was and we (men) shouldn't have to apologize for that. At the end she made the comment that I stole her kids from her, no I just loved them she had her priorities in her pants not with her kids.
The last time we met the kids but up such a stink in a parking lot wanting to go with me and not her they cried and screamed. Now she won't let them see or call me yet the one still does and the stories he tells me are horrific and sad.
Go single Dad's

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Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Jeezuz, you women are really vicious today. I am a very good man. I have health, wealth, am considered handsome, and am good in bed, plus I have a good sense of humor and I am intelligent and honest to a fault. Every woman I have dated or been in a relationship with has enjoyed the experience, except one, and she left me with kids, to pursue an artistic career, telling me she isn't "cut out", for motherhood, although she still wants us to f**k. So now I am automatically chopped liver. I have been reduced to having short-term sexual relationships and FWB'S, because once the women know I have youngsters, that's all they will accept.

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Raising other people's children puts an enormous stain on a relationship - maybe not at first, when the "honeymoon stage" is still in effect, but later on, once it has worn off. Like it or not, children from broken homes tend to have more behavioral problems (especially as teenagers), and the un-related partner is generally an unappreciated fixture in the children's life. It takes a great deal of wisdom, flexibility, and patience to deal with this scenario (not to mention lack of ego), and I think people in their 20s (lacking experience in child raising) are generally unequipped to deal with it, though of course, they often feel differently because they base their confidence on the interactions they have with young, uncomplicated children.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you need to know more about why he is divorced(?) with kids. That's a hell of a thing to do to your child. Unless there's a really good reason, that you can verify, it could be a sign of a selfish personality.
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Whats a good enough reason??!! I split with my sons father over a very good reason, but there is no way on earth i could actually 'verify' it..and i wouldnt even if asked to!
Its much better to end a relationship than stay with someone unhappily just for the sake of children.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Speaking as someone who married someone with kids, I think is a HORRIBLE idea for anyone without children to date someone WITH them unless they are pushing 40.

To all you single parents out there, I apologize.

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I see what your saying but everyone is different. Im single and a mum, i dont have rules where things like this are concerned but equally i probably dont date the type of guys i would if i didnt have a son.
No man ive dated since splitting with my sons father has met my son and they wont ever do until the relationship is serious..and by serious i mean serious not just after a few months.


This thread is quite patronising

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Originally Posted by lilly1185 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're apparently too selfish to handle a relationship where you aren't held up on a mighty fine platform.

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I'm offended at being called selfish! Knowing what you want in a relationship is not selfish at all. Let me more specifically explain.

Men that I have dated (unlike women that I know, for some reason, maybe its a guy thing) that have children seem to have a hard time with prioritizing and scheduling. THEY BREAK DATES ALL THE TIME!!!

example #1
If he ask me to go out on a Saturday 4 days before and I say yes. I switch shifts with someone at work, move other appointments around, and tell my girlfriends I cant go out with them that night, I do what I need to to make time for him. Then Saturday comes and he cancels the date saying he is going to spend time with his kids. WHAT!!!

example #2
Everything in #1 happens except that he cancels because his child is sick.

To me example #1 is inexcuseable and total B.S. You should have scheduled time to spend with your children, to be at work, study for school, and spend with your girlfriend. After so many cancelled dates most women are going to dump you!!

Example #2 is totally understandable however and I would expect the date to be cancelled. Yes I would feel kind of bummed, but he's just being a responsible parent.

In conclusion, it's example #1 I keep running into with men with children. There just seems to be no schedule or balance in the relationship. Which is key if your going to have a relationship with someone and you have kids! You have to have a schedule when you have kids.


BACK TO THE GUY THAT I'M TALKING TO

With example #1 being what happened last time I was in a relationship with a man with kids, I didnt want to feel like I was being prejudice towards him. Just because that guy acted like that, it doesnt mean that it would be like that with this new guy. So far he is really nice, calls me regularly and I like talking to him. Or should I not even bother with the whole situation. My problem is the fact that so far in a budding relationship everything is going well and I would be dumping him solely on the basis that he has a child. Do I wait for it to go downhill or wait for the sliver of a chance that it might actually be a good relationship.

I just wanted the opinions of others that have date persons with children and did not have any of their own.

moonfairy - that guy who broke dates with you may not be a great boyfriend to a young girl like yourself, who understandably needs a lot of attention, but he IS acting like a responsible parent. You are NOT supposed to be a priority over his kids. They are - and always SHOULD be - a priority over a date.

That's exactly what I mean when I say that younger people without kids aren't prepared to interact with parents. The qualities you complain about are the exact ones you'd WANT if he were the father of YOUR children.

EDIT: I don't wish to imply that young people are selfish, at least not in a negative, judgemental way. Their demands for attention are appropriate for their age and developmental stage. It's just that those qualities aren't compatible with children.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you need to know more about why he is divorced(?) with kids. That's a hell of a thing to do to your child. Unless there's a really good reason, that you can verify, it could be a sign of a selfish personality.

So, generally, speaking I would be wary of a man with kids, yes. Same goes for single moms. It might be okay, but warrants closer scrutiny.

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Ok I asked him. He said that she left him while she was 2 months pregnant. I asked why and he said that she lost interest in him. I told him it could have just been the pregnancy hormones at the time. He then told me that she is dating someone else now.

They broke up nearly 2 years ago and he's been single since. He said that he has been dating but none of the relationships have worked out because all of the women couldnt handle the amount of time he spends with his child.


RED FLAG ALERT
If you've been dating for 2 years and every women is telling you the same thing, maybe the problem is you (well, him in this case, you know what I mean). I dont think he puts enough time and effort into his relationships, but I dont know him well enough to be positive. Also the whole breaking up while she is pregnant seems fishy to me. Most women are totally into their mate while their pregnant by them, not trying to dump them. Hmmmm.

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Originally Posted by qwerty123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No man ive dated since splitting with my sons father has met my son and they wont ever do until the relationship is serious..and by serious i mean serious not just after a few months.


This thread is quite patronising

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I never brought a women around either because of fear of what might happen if they got close then a split. (Mother isn't in the picture) I was so very careful with the only one I ever did and it was 5 years after my divorce. And 2-3 months after I started to date her. And she royally screwed my kids and I after wanting her back so badly will now after seeing the consequences will never forgive her, she was the only mother my kids ever knew and she just left. Only giving selfish excuses that make no sense.

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Originally Posted by moonfairy_2002 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ok I asked him. He said that she left him while she was 2 months pregnant. I asked why and he said that she lost interest in him. I told him it could have just been the pregnancy hormones at the time. He then told me that she is dating someone else now.

They broke up nearly 2 years ago and he's been single since. He said that he has been dating but none of the relationships have worked out because all of the women couldnt handle the amount of time he spends with his child.


RED FLAG ALERT
If you've been dating for 2 years and every women is telling you the same thing, maybe the problem is you (well, him in this case, you know what I mean). I dont think he puts enough time and effort into his relationships, but I dont know him well enough to be positive. Also the whole breaking up while she is pregnant seems fishy to me. Most women are totally into their mate while their pregnant by them, not trying to dump them. Hmmmm.

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been pregnant have you?
you would be surprised what pregnancy hormones do to you.

i don't know if it's hormones but being raised by a single mother has made me much less inclined to let my baby daddy go.

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Originally Posted by Perryville [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's really sad that people look at me and label me a single parent, and never try to get to know me. Every woman wants to f**k me, nobody wants to love me. I guess most single parents feel this way.

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Then why don't you try to meet other single women with children?

I'm just being honest here, as a single childless woman, there's nothing appealing to me about dating a man with children. If I wanted children in my life, I would've had them. I don't want to walk into a relationship with someone knowing I could potentially become insta-mommy.

It sounds harsh, but I think that realization does a lot of single-parent men a favour. There's too many women out there that will date men with kids and then expect the kids to be shoved aside for them. Either that, or they treat the kids like crap when the relationship progresses to marriage and other children come into the picture. This happened to my best friend. Step mom treated her like a best friend until she married her Dad and they had kids, and suddenly step mom despised her. Made her childhood hell.

You're not being labelled as something bad. There's just a lot of people that don't want that responsibility. You have to find someone that likes kids a LOT and aren't biased to the fact they're not theirs.

Look Moon, you sound rather high-maintenance. You want to be #1 in your relationships (don't bother denying it, its pretty obvious). This isn't a bad thing, btw, especially if you are young. But you are barking up the wrong trees. Decent guys with young kids from a previous relationship don't have the time or inclination to give that to you. Any guy that does is irresponsible and not worth it.

So, just avoid guys with kids at this stage in your dating life. Simple solution.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Look Moon, you sound rather high-maintenance. You want to be #1 in your relationships (don't bother denying it, its pretty obvious). Decent guys with young kids from a previous relationship don't have the time or inclination to give that to you. Any guy that does is irresponsible and not worth it.

So, just avoid guys with kids at this stage in your dating life. Simple solution.

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This is what I've been screaming lol. Except everyone else seems to be more tactful about it.

@Qwerty; I see nothing wrong with my son and s/o hanging out as long as we aren't overtly physically intimate. When I lived in SC I had plenty of male friends, as well as female, that my son interacted with on a daily basis. He's a very social little boy lol.

I think he rather misses them, and I believe as long as he doesn't see us getting too intimate (I won't kiss or make out with), I think he just puts them in a line as "mum's friend".

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Originally Posted by qwerty123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Whats a good enough reason??!! I split with my sons father over a very good reason, but there is no way on earth i could actually 'verify' it..and i wouldnt even if asked to!

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@ Q - Abuse, dependency or criminal behaviour would be my deal-breakers. But that's about it. Otherwise, I would tolerate much to keep my home together for the sake of my son until he is grown. I could tolerate my partner being a crappy husband if he was a terrific parent. This is my opinion on the subject. You don't have to agree with it. However, studies consistently show that children from broken homes grow up having more personality and relationship problems. You don't have to like it, but those are the stats. Rather than being defensive, it should alert you to the fact you, as a single parent, will have to work that much harder to ensure your child grows up healthy. Forewarned is forearmed.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

@ Q - Abuse, dependency or criminal behaviour would be my deal-breakers. But that's about it. Otherwise, I would tolerate much to keep my home together for the sake of my son until he is grown. I could tolerate my partner being a crappy husband if he was a terrific parent. This is my opinion on the subject. You don't have to agree with it. However, studies consistently show that children from broken homes grow up having more personality and relationship problems. You don't have to like it, but those are the stats. Rather than being defensive, it should alert you to the fact you, as a single parent, will have to work that much harder to ensure your child grows up healthy. Forewarned is forearmed.

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There are plenty of factors that can contribute to personality/relationship disorders in kids.
My parents have been with eachother for 24+ years.
I've been slapped with borderline personality disorder, co-dependency, and probably others that have yet to be uncovered.

A lot of this has to do with abuse (my dad did not like me for some reason...), and my mother's condoning of it. She still takes crap from my dad and I'll never understand why. Biologically, yes my father. But I freaking hate the man.
He's apparently a wonderful provider, though *snorts*