Drama, drama, drama.

So, my question is kinda about health and well being. (Sorry in advance for length.)

To start, I will say that I am bigger, could stand to lose several ( a few more than several, but not terribly many ) pounds. So there's that.

I have been seeing a guy for about.. a year and a half now. We were in a secret sharing sort of mode the other night when we talked online, and in the spirit of full honesty, he told me that quote, "he couldn't see himself with me if I didn't work on myself." But that somehow right now he finds me attractive.

I'm no idiot. I know better than to believe both of those at the same time. Really though. Really. So here I was, bawling my eyes out, and he said that he had had no intention of making me cry. That he "really loves me" etc. Which, I'm beginning to think, is bs or self-deception.

At this point, I'm thinking of calling it all off, if only for the fact that while I want to work on myself too, I don't know that I can deal with that being a condition of our relationship. That if we do end up together in the end, I'm always going to worry about gaining a few pounds. For the record, I do love him very dearly, and he is in excellent physical condition himself.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of advice. What would you do?

Ouch. I have no real advice about how to handle this, but wow - your guy was REALLY stupid to say that. The human body tends to get LESS attractive over time, not more so. I don't think I could live with the pressure, either.

Dump his ass,
hit the gym, and do it for YOU.
If you're happy with the way you are (if it's a couple pounds, big effing deal) don't change a thing.
Being physically active is always helpful, though. Don't change yourself for a tool.
You have to live with yourself forever, he can be gone in an instant.

I hate it when people dish out two-pronged statements like that. I'm willing to bet a long term relationship with this yokel would deal out more, too.

typical woman behavior: overreact about everything and blame the guy for your own problems. You've been dating this guy for 1.5 yrs and already put on more than a few lbs. If I were your bf, this would send up red flags for me too. I don't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't care about her health and doesn't respect me enough to maintain her appearance. How much weight will you gain after 5 yrs? 10 yrs? 20 yrs? I shudder at the thought.

Whether or not the OP was at this point when they began dating, or gained a few pounds in the process, her guy could've used to be a bit more tactful.

To the OP, does this guy have a running tab of blunt and potentially hurtful statements? About you and/or others? He doesn't sound like a very self-aware human being. You may want to think about what staying with this guy could mean for you and your self-esteem.

vashti says:

"Ouch. I have no real advice about how to handle this, but wow - your guy was REALLY stupid to say that. The human body tends to get LESS attractive over time, not more so. I don't think I could live with the pressure, either."

f*ck off with that female nonsense. The guy actually handled the situation well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

typical woman behavior: overreact about everything and blame the guy for your own problems. You've been dating this guy for 1.5 yrs and already put on more than a few lbs. If I were your bf, this would send up red flags for me too. I don't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't care about her health and doesn't respect me enough to maintain her appearance. How much weight will you gain after 5 yrs? 10 yrs? 20 yrs? I shudder at the thought.

---

It was never said whether she came that way or it happened over time. It's also not mentioned if it's age, a genetic disposition, or a mean medical catastrophe.

If he KNEW she was about dropping some poundage, he could have suggested they run together a few times a week. I'm just seeing very little tact and sensing some overly controlling behaviour.

I wouldn't want someone breathing down my neck over every pound I gained or lost.

lilly1185 says:

"Dump his ass, hit the gym, and do it for YOU."

yes, break up with him so he can find someone better who actually cares enough about her health and respects her partner enough to maintain her appearance.

"If you're happy with the way you are (if it's a couple pounds, big effing deal) don't change a thing."

the OP said she gained more than several - not just a couple - pounds. For a girl, this is a lot b/c you're typically smaller and put on mostly fat which is less dense than muscle.

And then when said woman drops an ass ton of poundage, guys bitch because tits and ass are the first thing to go!

That's silly. If she wants to oaf around and he wasn't into being with oafs he never should have hooked up with her to begin with.
That's a huge life change to force on someone.

No offense OP, I'm not actually calling you lazy.

lahnnabell says:

"Whether or not the OP was at this point when they began dating, or gained a few pounds in the process, her guy could've used to be a bit more tactful."

oh? Like how? Give an example. I think the guy handled himself very well. He used the expression "couldn't see myself with someone who didn't work on themself," which is open to interpretation, instead of saying "you're fat."

lilly1185 says:

"If he KNEW she was about dropping some poundage, he could have suggested they run together a few times a week. I'm just seeing very little tact and sensing some overly controlling behaviour."

hahahaha, thanks for the laugh. As soon as a girl hears the words "we should start exercising together" from a guy, she automatically assumes he's calling her fat.

"I wouldn't want someone breathing down my neck over every pound I gained or lost."

nice exaggeration to try to make a point. <rolls eyes> I highly doubt this guy is scrutinizing every pound the OP gains or loses.

lilly1185 says:

"And then when said woman drops an ass ton of poundage, guys bitch because tits and ass are the first thing to go!"

hmm, nice body with firm ass or overweight with floppy tits... tough choice. lol

I don't think so. Even in long term relationships, tact and concern for someone's feelings plays a big roll.

Knowing how to communicate is key. If she was the one to bring up the issue "I want to be more physically fit." I fail to see how him offering to be a part of the activity "Perhaps we should run together."
Would be met with any argument from the female party. And I reiterate:
If OP wasn't concerned with being a health nut at the beginning of the relationship, and the boyfriend is, why date someone who doesn't share your core values? If not being a vegan was a deal breaker for you, would you date a carnivore? Really?

And to be fair: Weight gain and then loss CAN make your breasts floppy. When I was overweight, I had relatively perky breasts. While I'm lucky I haven't hit sagging territory, I have a fair amount of stretch marks.

lilly1185, what are you responding to? Without quotes to give a reference point, it looks like you went off on a tangent.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

lilly1185, what are you responding to? Without quotes to give a reference point, it looks like you went off on a tangent.

---

My mistake. I'd thought since I was using key words from a previous post, all one had to do was refer above to figure out what I was referencing to. I'll keep this in mind :detective

too much weight bugs most guys. It's just a fact.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

vashti says:

"Ouch. I have no real advice about how to handle this, but wow - your guy was REALLY stupid to say that. The human body tends to get LESS attractive over time, not more so. I don't think I could live with the pressure, either."

f*ck off with that female nonsense. The guy actually handled the situation well.

---

Neo's still bitter about gribble's thread. :D

Anyway, the original poster never said she gained this weight after she started dating this guy. For all we know, she was this size when he met her. Not that it matters - this guy has no tact. THAT is the problem.

vashti says:

"Neo's still bitter about gribble's thread."

the one where I burried you and several others? Why would I be bitter from that? lol

"Anyway, the original poster never said she gained this weight after she started dating this guy. For all we know, she was this size when he met her. Not that it matters - this guy has no tact. THAT is the problem."

the guy never said the OP was fat either. You just assumed that ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

the guy never said the OP was fat either. You just assumed that ;)

---

You were the only one who actually *said* fat, though. We were arguing about tactfulness.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

vashti says:

"Neo's still bitter about gribble's thread."

the one where I burried you and several others? Why would I be bitter from that? lol

"Anyway, the original poster never said she gained this weight after she started dating this guy. For all we know, she was this size when he met her. Not that it matters - this guy has no tact. THAT is the problem."

the guy never said the OP was fat either. You just assumed that ;)

---

You spelled buried wrong.

Honestly, this is a forum, not an octagon, knock off the tough guy act. Not all women are stupid as you want to perceive.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Artemis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, my question is kinda about health and well being. (Sorry in advance for length.)

To start, I will say that I am bigger, could stand to lose several ( a few more than several, but not terribly many ) pounds. So there's that.

I have been seeing a guy for about.. a year and a half now. We were in a secret sharing sort of mode the other night when we talked online, and in the spirit of full honesty, he told me that quote, "he couldn't see himself with me if I didn't work on myself." But that somehow right now he finds me attractive.

I'm no idiot. I know better than to believe both of those at the same time. Really though. Really. So here I was, bawling my eyes out, and he said that he had had no intention of making me cry. That he "really loves me" etc. Which, I'm beginning to think, is bs or self-deception.

At this point, I'm thinking of calling it all off, if only for the fact that while I want to work on myself too, I don't know that I can deal with that being a condition of our relationship. That if we do end up together in the end, I'm always going to worry about gaining a few pounds. For the record, I do love him very dearly, and he is in excellent physical condition himself.

I guess I'm just looking for a bit of advice. What would you do?

---

What else is there to do? I think the entire thing you posted had a beginning and an end. He is in great shape? Don't be paranoid that he would leave you eventually over a few pounds. What is your age? I don't expect a woman to stay in great shape forever but if you are fat in your twenties to thirties you kind of did it to yourself and I don't blame him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

lilly1185 says:

"And then when said woman drops an ass ton of poundage, guys bitch because tits and ass are the first thing to go!"

hmm, nice body with firm ass or overweight with floppy tits... tough choice. lol

---

LOL

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

the one where I burried you and several others? Why would I be bitter from that? lol

---

Hah! Your memory is going, my friend. You LOST that argument.

lilly1185 says:

"You were the only one who actually *said* fat, though. We were arguing about tactfulness."

losing extra pounds = losing fat. They mean the same thing. All of you female posters are attacking this guy, calling him "stupid" or a "tool," for the way he handled the situation when he never mentioned her weight. He said he couldn't see himself with someone who doesn't work on herself. This could mean he doesn't see himself with someone who doesn't care about her health. I don't see anything wrong with expressing your concerns over a partner's health and well-being.

Cbrider says:

"You spelled buried wrong."

egads! I did misspell a word.

"Honestly, this is a forum, not an octagon, knock off the tough guy act. Not all women are stupid as you want to perceive."

let me think about it..... no. I find it amusing when the female posters challenge my advice and then proclaim themselves the victor as they run away in defeat. It's like a soldier retreating from the battlefield in defeat while yelling "we won! we won!"

vashti says:

"Hah! Your memory is going, my friend. You LOST that argument."

you mean the thread where you and IndiReloaded tried to use poorly-construed logic to argue why I'm not allowed to give my input? And the both of you ran away after I made you look stupid for incorrectly assuming what my choice would be? Yeah... I lost that argument all right. <rolls eyes>

I think you are suffering from study burnout, or something. I never commented on anyone else's opinion on that thread. We disagreed about whether or not it was necessary to read the article gribble posted in order to have an opinion, and Gribble agreed with me. Sorry, care to try again?

Cant believe im saying this, but......I agree 100% with neo.

The guy was tactful. I dont see the problem..yeh the OP feels a bit crap about it, but he only told her something she knew anyway. He's just letting his feelings known..its a whole lot better than if he didnt say anything, she piled on the weight and then he left her further down the line.
Its not hard to lose weight, if you want to lose it then do something about it.
It really annoys me that girls get hung up on issues with their body that they can change but instead choose not to and continue to moan about it.

vashti says:

"I think you are suffering from study burnout, or something. I never commented on anyone else's opinion on that thread. We disagreed about whether or not it was necessary to read the article gribble posted in order to have an opinion, and Gribble agreed with me. Sorry, care to try again?"

maybe you didn't, but IndiReloaded did. You weren't specific about who you were referring to. So I gave a broad response which included you two. If you really want to go there, Gribble asked a rhetorical question. Any rational person would prefer to save their child over their spouse. There was no more need for you to respond than if I asked "do you believe in leprechauns or not?" I'm pretty sure 99 out of 100 people would choose the more sane answer.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

vashti says:

"I think you are suffering from study burnout, or something. I never commented on anyone else's opinion on that thread. We disagreed about whether or not it was necessary to read the article gribble posted in order to have an opinion, and Gribble agreed with me. Sorry, care to try again?"

maybe you didn't, but IndiReloaded did. You weren't specific about who you were referring to. So I gave a broad response which included you two. If you really want to go there, Gribble asked a rhetorical question. Any rational person would prefer to save their child over their spouse. There was no more need for you to respond than if I asked "do you believe in leprechauns or not?" I'm pretty sure 99 out of 100 people would choose the more sane answer.

---

Whether or not you feel it was necessary to respond, I answered the question Gribble asked. Your issue with Indi is between the two of you, so leave me out of your chest thumping. If I am responding to you, I will either quote you, or mention your name. okay?

Everyone, thank you for your replies.

NeoSeminole, I am committed to working on myself. I do run (only not right now, it's finals time) and do other things. When I do, I get good results. I care very much about my health. The problem is not that he cares that I care, but rather that he does not have any wiggle room for me to make mistakes,and our relationship would be on the line. So I beg your pardon if I don't agree with you and take offense at your generalizing the way I am. He has found me attractive in the past, and I have always been around this size. While he could have handled it worse, he felt bad about admitting what he did, which tells me that perhaps he didn't handle it as well as you seem to think.

Lilly- Thanks.

Lahnna- He's always been blunt, never been much of a problem, as I'm pretty blunt too. The fact that he himself called what he was saying shallow was to me very telling. He's not a douchebag or anything like that, so perhaps I need to either just suck it up or, yes, break up with him. He and I have quite the long discussion in store in the not-too-distant future.

Vashti-Thanks for the support.

[QUOTE=Artemis;522800
I do run (only not right now, it's finals time) and do other things. When I do, I get good results. I care very much about my health.[/QUOTE]

See? We were all jumping to nutty conclusions.

I applaud you for carving out time to care about your health. I'm usually largely unmotivated, and can't put the mental effort to care.

I also understand school-burn out. It certainly can kick you in the pants, and constant studying just to make sure you pass can really grate on you. My brother doesn't sleep because of his journey to campus, and his workload.

Artemis says:

"Sir NeoSeminole, I am committed to working on myself. I do run (only not right now, it's finals time) and do other things. When I do, I get good results. I care very much about my health."

your comments don't add up. How can you gain more than several pounds during final exams? I hope you realize 1 lb of fat = 3,500 calories of stored energy. Now multiply that times however many extra pounds you're carrying to give you an idea of how much that is. This leads me to believe you either have very poor eating habits or you've been steadily gaining weight (which explains your boyfriend's concerns over your health).

"The problem is not that he cares that I care, but rather that he does not have any wiggle room for me to make mistakes,and our relationship would be on the line. So I beg your pardon if I don't agree with you and take offense at your generalizing the way I am. He has found me attractive in the past, and I have always been around this size. While he could have handled it worse, he felt bad about admitting what he did, which tells me that perhaps he didn't handle it as well as you seem to think."

this doesn't make sense. How does he not allow any wiggle room for you to gain weight if he's still with you? Obviously he's understanding enough or he would have left you already. Whether he felt bad or not is irrelevant to how he handled the situation. Even if he brought it up subtly and you started to cry, he would still feel bad. Nobody enjoys seeing their loved ones hurt.

Neo: I haven't gained weight. I have just always been big. I will concede that my eating habits are not always the best. But being an engineer, I'm afraid I don't make the kind of time I need to to lose the weight. So I stay around the same size. And for the record, everyone, he and I talked it through and he didn't mean it the way it came across. So no problem anymore. Thanks again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Artemis [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Neo: I haven't gained weight. I have just always been big. I will concede that my eating habits are not always the best. But being an engineer, I'm afraid I don't make the kind of time I need to to lose the weight. So I stay around the same size. And for the record, everyone, he and I talked it through and he didn't mean it the way it came across. So no problem anymore. Thanks again.

---

sorry but hes gonna say that as he realised he hurt your feelings.

Geez, men are such asses. Gosh!

Artemis says:

"Neo: I haven't gained weight."

then what the hell is the point of this thread?