Relationship in a down period, happy but not naughty... help.

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29-12-09, 04:39 AM
lovestar

Relationship in a down period, happy but not naughty... help.

Hey everyone, I am trying to keep this post as short as possible, but I am a bit confused atm...

I met my boyfriend last year in Summer when I moved into our Houseshare (we're both still living there). I liked him right from when I met him and we spent hours and hours in the living room talking. It screwed up everything, I went to bed way to late, didn't get into work on time and so on. Then one night we had a party in our house and we kind of ended up together in bed (calm down, nothing really naughty happened ;) ). Well, I left early cause I couldn't sleep anymore, he thought I wasn't interested in him, well it took us another month or so until we started going out.

This whole process was quite difficult because we were obviously already living in the same house, but we got around all of these difficulties quite quickly. We had good and bad times and a lot of discussions as well... but we're still here and love each other. We also still have our own space (as in I have my own bedroom but rarely sleep in there). Oh I forgot to mention that there is a big age gap of 19 yrs between us which has never been a problem for us, he doesn't behave like 39 and I surely don't behave like your average 20 year-old.

Well, now the problem... Since this Summer (we have been going out for about a year) things slowly started changing. We had less sex cause I was exceptionally busy at work (I work with kids and they manage to suck all your energy out so that your close to dead when you get home :P). Well and since this autumn every time we try to have sex, well, he just goes soft when we're actually about to do it. It has been very frustrating for both of us. If that happened in the first year we would just laugh it off - but for some reason we don't think its funny anymore.

The other night it happened again and I just couldn't take it anymore and was dealing with it very professionally - I broke down and cried, felt awful and just wanted to get away blaming me for everything. So we finally talked about it and my bf said that he feels like our relationship is kind of more serious and less fun as it used to be. This has completely bedazzled me as I don't know what to do now. If you're going out for a year and a half and pretty much live together for the same time - what are things supposed to be like. I still want to have sex, so does he, we have no problem to get started - but we never finish (well not as we planned to anyways).

I would just like to hear some advice... maybe anybody has been through the same stage or has a bf who had a similar problem... anything really.

Thanks.
29-12-09, 04:47 AM
Gigabitch

There is no reason for a healthy man of 39 to be having erectile dysfunction. This is an emotional problem, I suspect. Another problem is a 39-year-old man complaining that your relationship is "too serious" and "not fun anymore". That's just weird.

Are there any other red flags with this guy?
29-12-09, 04:52 AM
stevejohnson197

a 39 year old man can have erectile dysfunction, but it could be mental.

is he taking any medication currently?
29-12-09, 04:54 AM
Gigabitch

Note, I said HEALTHY man of 39.
29-12-09, 04:55 AM
shheadz

I've had a few cases of erectile dysfunction over the years, and it gets worse if you turn it into a major issue. It only takes one limp d*ck... perhaps from drinking too much... to mess a guy's head up. The next time you try having sex all he's thinking is "Ok.. sh*t.. can't let THAT happen again", and of course it does because he's thinking about it too much.

At his age though talking to a doctor might be a good idea. Is he drinking more than usual? That raises blood pressure, which restricts blow "down there". Does he smoke? Is he over weight?

Either way I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that it's not you. I'm sure he's just as sexually attracted to you as he was the first day you met.
29-12-09, 04:56 AM
shheadz

Quote:

Another problem is a 39-year-old man complaining that your relationship is "too serious" and "not fun anymore". That's just weird.

Really? Why do you think a 39 year old man dates a 20 year old girl?
29-12-09, 04:58 AM
Gigabitch

For an ego boost and to feel superior to her.
29-12-09, 05:02 AM
shheadz

Quote:

For an ego boost and to feel superior to her.

I'm sure that's mixed into the whole grab bag full of reasons, but a major reason for dating a much younger girl is because they're fun. They don't take things too seriously, they aren't too bogged down with careers or family, etc. When they stop being fun they become less appealing.
29-12-09, 05:03 AM
lovestar

wow, these replies came quickly, thanks for that.

Please save yourself the comments like what does a 39 year-old guy do with a 20 year-old girl. We have been together for some time and I am quite sure of myself. If you met him you wouldn't know he's 39 and if you met me you wouldn't guess I am 20.

I am quite sure it is NOT a physical problem... we're just as much turned on by each other as we used to be and everything works perfectly fine UNLESS we're actually properly trying to have sex. So physically there is no problem.

SO what the hell is wrong then? And why does the seriousness of our realtionship affect our sex? It is not like I want marriage or kids ;) The girl just wants to have fun. Maybe there is something else behind it... I just don't know.
29-12-09, 05:07 AM
shheadz

Quote:

SO what the hell is wrong then? And why does the seriousness of our realtionship affect our sex?

Read the replies above. It could almost certainly be a mental problem.
29-12-09, 05:17 AM
lovestar

I am 100% sure it is a mental problem, has anyone got any suggestions of what to change to make sex more appealing to him again... maybe google will also spit out some answers. maybe he is also bored?
29-12-09, 05:34 AM
stevejohnson197

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovestar [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am 100% sure it is a mental problem, has anyone got any suggestions of what to change to make sex more appealing to him again... maybe google will also spit out some answers. maybe he is also bored?

COMMUNICATION

Talk it out. ask him what he likes, what turns him on. maybe he only likes you on top, maybe he likes to do it from behind only.....many things.

talk about everything...nothing is off limits. figure out what makes him most aroused and comfortable
29-12-09, 05:47 AM
lovestar

Well, we had a big long talk about things already and he doesn't seem to understand either, but I'll think we'll sit down again tonight. Thanks again :)
29-12-09, 06:15 AM
stevejohnson197

maybe change things up a bit...different positions, different foreplay, lingerie, talk dirty...I dunno...anything out of the ordinary
29-12-09, 06:21 AM
shheadz

Quote:

Well, we had a big long talk about things already

Lemme reiterate what I've already said:

Quote:

and it gets worse if you turn it into a major issue
29-12-09, 06:26 AM
stevejohnson197

Quote:

Originally Posted by shheadz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lemme reiterate what I've already said:

you cant just not bring it up and pretend its not a problem.

i know you risk making it worse, but you have to do something, no?
29-12-09, 06:33 AM
shheadz

Quote:

i know you risk making it worse, but you have to do something, no?

The only thing you can really do is relax, and take all pressure off the situation. Perhaps try giving him oral. He can just sit back, relax, and enjoy it. Give him a few days to get his confidence back.