Accepting Responsibility

I noticed a consistent theme on many of the posts/threads here about accepting responsibility for the failure of one's relationships.

lhn, shheadz, and cmac are this forum's dominant trio of men who have made great strides in a short amount of time. They've been through hell with these exes of theirs and are making honest attempts at bettering themselves and are now turning around and helping others. However, they all brought up good points when they mentioned that the downfall of their relationships did not rest on their shoulders alone. Their exes did have faults and their exes did at times handle situations poorly.

As a female who has been in several shitty relationships with immature and frequently abusive men, I will admit that I was not perfect either. I believe I gave 100% to my relationships all the time, but I know that I've started arguments at inappropriate times, or developed unreasonable expectations. No one is 100% saintly in a relationship.

In what ways have you guys grown after your relationships? What did the relationship teach you about yourself? Were you ashamed of your past behavior? How has your past help you change your relationship standards?

Go for your life! :D

All my non-relationship taught me was that being a downright p*ssy doesn't work.

This is kind of strange but I have learned to accept men doing nice things for me, I never thought I deserved it or thought they were doing it only because they felt obligated or wanted something from me. For the longest time I was in one sided relationships where I bent over backwards for guys going out of my way physically and financially to make sure they were happy and got nothing in return, not even respect. I'm by no means a gold-digger but slowly in my current relationship I'm learning to allow him to do nice things for me because he cares about me as much as I care about him. Of course I still like to take care of him and sometimes feel very guilty when he does nice things for me or buys me something but I am learning to not feel so weirded out by it.

I learnt that not matter how much you love, or how hard you try sometimes some people are simply not compatible.

Thanks lahnnabell.. I'm not out of the woods yet though. :)

I learned a lot of things from this past relationship, but the two most important lessons are relationships need room to breath, and communication is vital. I think we were still in love when we broke up, but we're both too emotionally guarded to open up to one another. Misunderstandings festered for too long, and we simply reached an impasse. The relationship couldn't move forward.

I've learned that if a relationship doesn't work out, there's always a next one. Always.

I got down off the cross and started demanding equal participation, to everyone's benefit.

I am still learning I guess. I have made a lot of mistakes with Anako... he's made a lot too. I think I held onto the relationship because I felt like... as long as if he wasn't beating me to death and cheating on me, it was worth saving... keeping. I don't even know if I will ever have a real relationship because I'm traumatized by my past and it is affecting everything. What I have learned to take care of myself because no one will care about me more than I care about myself. Maybe when I'm better I will find someone again. It's a tough lesson to learn... but I'm trying.

Im not sure ive learnt anything about my behaviours etc from my last relationship breakup, as it was one major thing that broke us up, before that everything was fine, i was madly in love and gave 100% of every part of me into it.
It has made me think that the heartbreak of being hurt by someone you love, outweighs the 'benefits' of loving someone in the first place, i cant see myself ever being in love again.
Quite a sad outlook really! But i would rather look after number 1.

It gets easier as time goes by. I felt the same way after my first love lost. It was over something that shouldn't have mattered and I didn't understand why it couldn't just be the same. I was 15 then, now I'm 25. I've been in love several times after that first love and it's gotten easier to pick up and move on each time.

Never been in a real relationship, but I've learned that life sucks. I've gotten tougher and I can deal with lies, deceit and dissapointment much better

its been a year now, i thought i had got over the hating part, but lately realised i havnt.

I feel like i wouldnt know how to love again even if i tried

I'm sorry to hear that, qwert. My sister is the type of person who holds onto grudges like it's her job. Me... I can't hold onto those bad feelings if I tried. It may just take longer for some people to resolve those parts and get past them.

I found that getting out of my own head was the best remedy. Rebounding with some no-strings sex, volunteering and helping others, spending ample time with my closest friends, my hot yoga classes. Blogging helped me get all the angry/hateful/hurt feelings out. I did pick up smoking again intermittently at one point, but I've finally kicked that again.

I'm feeling you Q. All the way. I feel the same way.

Ive done the rebound a little...im just after a willing partner for more lol

I've learned that I really and truely don't have to pretend/convince myself to want the things the world says a woman of my age and position in life are supposed to want.

Marriage isn't on my "To Do list", and really there isn't a damn thing wrong with that.

I`ve learned that my ex`s penis is not the only one in the world... Joke :P

I didn`t learn anything with my past relationship.But I do learn in this one that there are compromises, and it`s possible to have no dramas. I`ve also learned how to do the best caresses ever ,but it`s actually bad cause my bf abuse it... Constantly. We laugh that he`s a `Calino whore`:D He`ll do anything for a `calinos session` :D Well I also learn how to enjoy giving and taking :)

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Originally Posted by Pettit-Papillon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I`ve also learned how to do the best caresses ever ,but it`s actually bad cause my bf abuse it... Constantly. We laugh that he`s a `Calino whore`:D He`ll do anything for a `calinos session` :D Well I also learn how to enjoy giving and taking :)

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Haha, my guy is the same. He's always soliciting me for back rubs and head rubs now. I'm happy to do it, especially when he puts his head in my lap and looks at me those those puppy eyes. Damn. He leaves on Sunday. Damn damn damn.

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Haha, my guy is the same. He's always soliciting me for back rubs and head rubs now. I'm happy to do it, especially when he puts his head in my lap and looks at me those those puppy eyes. Damn. He leaves on Sunday. Damn damn damn.

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I`m happy to do that too but he really abuses it... Especially in the morning when he wakes up to work while I`m in the middle of my sleep. He wakes me up and forces to do him calinos :) Often I do it while I`m still unconscious hehehehe Ok I go to bed :p

I have had to learn to be a single parent, and not have anyone else to rely on.

I had to learn to accept that wanting to kill your partner occasionally is perfectly normal. :D

Another lesson, fairly recent (last 5 years), is that sometimes one must make people unhappy to get results. And that, even tho the end outcome might be correct, one still needs to apologize/make amends for the disruption. Its not standing on principle, b/c that would mean arguing about the 'rightness' of your actions. I mean swallowing the ego on 'being right' as the price you pay for progress.

Not sure that last will make sense unless you've lived it. Oh well, do your best.

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Originally Posted by qwerty123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

its been a year now, i thought i had got over the hating part, but lately realised i havnt.

I feel like i wouldnt know how to love again even if i tried

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I'd be hating for a looong time too, Q. You'll get there. Be kind to yourself, remember?

I take responsibility that in most of my past relationships I was confusing love with a need for some kind of companionship. Not that all my past relationships were with bad. Only the last one before my husband actually had me questioning my sanity after the fact, and I met that guy when I was in a very dark place emotionally. The rest were perfectly good guys who just didn't have everything I was looking for. There was always something missing.

When I demanded more accountability from myself about what I was looking for and deciding never to settle for less, I met my husband. I can't think of a better person for me. He's really shattered my cynicsm about love.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I had to learn to accept that wanting to kill your partner occasionally is perfectly normal. :D

Another lesson, fairly recent (last 5 years), is that sometimes one must make people unhappy to get results. And that, even tho the end outcome might be correct, one still needs to apologize/make amends for the disruption. Its not standing on principle, b/c that would mean arguing about the 'rightness' of your actions. I mean swallowing the ego on 'being right' as the price you pay for progress.

Not sure that last will make sense unless you've lived it. Oh well, do your best.

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I get it. But why do you think the person wants to make someone unhappy for no reason? Or do you think it's not intentional... just at the time they really feel like they have a reason start shit.

I wonder because some people jeopardize good relationship, but instead of accepting responsibility for their actions and admitting they are wrong... they will say things like, "you are too good for me". Some will even use the same excuse to break up with a person.

No offense Coco, but I doubt you get it. You might understand intellectually what I'm saying, but that's not the same thing. If you did, you wouldn't be struggling in your present relationship. But understanding is definitely a start.

Just when I think I have learned something that lasts, the rules of the game change, and I have to start all over again. So I guess the thing I learned is to be flexible.

I'm not struggling in my present relationship. I'm struggling to move on from my last relationship. Breaking up is hard to do you know.

Did you break up? OMG, sorry. Yes, its hard even if its right.

Yes, I did it. It was hard but I did it. I took my keys from him. Asked him to move out of my house and do not contact me anymore. He calls everyday... but I haven't answered the phone. I know it's him because he's calling from his mother's house. I know I did the right thing. I'm just trying to be strong about it.

Accepting responsibility is hard. I haven't been very responsible and I know it. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to fix myself. Blahhhhhh.

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Originally Posted by Coco [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I haven't been very responsible and I know it. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to fix myself. Blahhhhhh.[/FONT]

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Well, just know that its a continuum, not an endpoint. There are no 'experts' in this, no 'fixed' people. Only how far along you are and where you are going. Good luck.