How to Stop an Enfatuation or Crush

My wife and I separated for a while, (We are still friends and we never fought, she just was unhappy and left)
but she moved back into the extra bedroom a while ago.

I'm trying to work things out more than her (she doesn't think it will work, I don't know how to motivate her to try more)

I just found out tonight that she has a crush on her brother in law (her brothers wife's brother) and has had one for years

He is in Italy, so no immediate threat but while I was putting our son to bed, I overheard her flirting with him (the rooms are right next door to each other) she said stuff like "I was staring into your eyes for hours today" (I guess talking about a picture)

I walked in the room after my son was asleep only to find her flashing her boobs at him over a webcam

I really don't know what to do about this, Please help

thank you,
Steve

I don't think you can stop it. If your son isn't too old yet, you might be able to kick her out of the house, though.

her brothers wife's brother isn't her brother in law. It's just some dude she's keen on and she's doing it right under your nose and in your house.

Barring a dog house out back, put the lawnmower and tools in that spare room and move her to the garage.

"Mommy lives in the garage because she's like an old broken down car and she needs to fix herself"

You need to get away from this rotten situation. She has no respect for you.
It's either you go or she does...

That's extremely rude of her. If she's interested in someone else, she should have the courtesy to move out of your house. I agree with Doc --she's showing no respect for you and you shouldn't need to put up with that!

whoa... infatuation is spelled with an "I'.

ok, now to what's more important. first, did you confront her.. (of course you did) and how did it go?? was there a fight in which she said that she didn't have feelings for you, or was she apologetic. that will come into play because if she doesn't care for you anymore, it's only a matter of time before a divorce is underway. if she is sorry and wants to try to work things out, then that's another matter. if so... this crush might be a phase or it might relapse, it more so depends on where she wants to take it from there.

for now, i would suggest that you talk to her to get more insight as to how she feels about you. don't do anything rash, yet be specific and tell her how you feel. i'm guessing that you still want to be with her, so ask her to get rid of the webcam to help smother the temptation. also talk to your brother in law and be manly about it. if it helps, ask the family to get involved so that this kinda shit won't happen again.

raverboy

she was sorta apologetic, but she kind of said something like she doesn't to talk about it, but then she talked to me about it (weird)
I did tell her how I feel, I'm not pressuring her to get back together, but I love her and she knows that, (I dont tell her "I love you" but she knows) it is hard for me not to share my feelings with her, she is my best friend and she says that I'm her best friend (she doesn't share her feelings with me too much though

I don't know how to snap her out of her selfish thoughts and actions, she just pushes her emotions away so she doesn't have to deal with them.

I can't kick her out because I can't tell my 5 year old son that I'm kicking his mom out because she is being stupid, also later in his life I don't want him resenting me for not doing everything possible to reconcile.

thank you for your responses and your help, if you have anything to add or comment, I'm all ears (er eyes, lol)

just an outsiders thougth.. maybe she is pushing you away and doesn't want to deal with the problem because she doesn't feel the same for you anymore. it's not the easiest thing to talk about, but by putting it off might be her way of showing you how she feels. also by hiding in the shadows and showing her interest in other people might be her way of "handling" her feelings.

raverboy

Have you used the word "disrespectful"? That might shine some light.

i'd kick her out. later if your son holds any grudges, you can explain to him how his mother was showing off her goods to his uncle.

raverboy

Yeah, I know she is being disrespectful, but I don't know what I can do about it. I really don't want to push her away, but also I don't want my son to be mad at me and not talk to me later in life (my "wife" didn't talk to her dad for over 10 years because of the divorce between him and her mom)

uh, I need a vacation

your son being mad at you is a huge possibility. however, just because your wife felt to deal with her parents divorce by not talking to her mother was her choice. your son won't necessarily follow in that direction. i won't lie to you, i think that it will come down to you living a miserable life by sticking with your wife, or you'll chance your son being mad at you because your wife might end up with custody. in the end, the decision is yours.

raverboy

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Originally Posted by stevenlee [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can't kick her out because I can't tell my 5 year old son that I'm kicking his mom out because she is being stupid, also later in his life I don't want him resenting me for not doing everything possible to reconcile.

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You don't have to tell him anything. He's not involved in any of this stuff going on between the pair of you. A simple, "mommy wants to live in her own house but she is still your mommy and wants to see you as much as she can" should suffice.

I'm not envisioning her being able to take custody. You have money and a house, she does not. She flashes her naughty bits on the Internet, and you do not. It's pretty obvious which of you is more able to take care of a child, and on the off-chance she's capable of convincing a judge otherwise, which one of you can afford your own lawyer? I'm guessing it's you.

She only has as much power as you allow her to have. Her disrespect can last only as long as your graciousness; you can end your relationship troubles any time you want.

^^^^ that isn't always the case.. when you're married, the "happy" couple shares everything from bills to money to children. if there were to divorce, she will get half of everything, and that means the house too.

raverboy

That would be pretty lame. I would be disappointed in a judge who made this decision in this case. Or ever, if one of the partners is doing all of the actual paying.

true, but unfortunately when it comes to a divorce and custody of the children the judge will most likely side with the mother. being that this son in this scenario is only 5, the judge might still side with the mother, leaving the husband to pay for child support.

raverboy

Here Steven, this is a very good article about confronting a spouse about this kind of thing and what to do about it. Good luck.

[url=http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/getinformed/articles/endingaffair.html]Ending the Affair: Steps You Can Take[/url]

We are in florida and it is very unlikely spousal support would be issued.
She has had a job and she is actually getting another one that might even pay more than I'm making.

I don't own the house, I'm only renting.

She could easily get money from her mother for a lawyer, that is the part that scares me, I don't have the money for a lawyer.

I did just ask her if we got a divorce would she ask for full custody and she said no I would never do that.

I told her that I would tell her family about what she is doing a few days ago and she was pissed, now when the subject was brought up again, she said she wouldn't care, but I don't think that is true because she told her mom she was seeing someone and her mom guessed and guessed but she wouldn't tell her, which makes me think she doesn't want them to know

Her brother in law is in Italy and has 3 kids by 3 different women so I don't see them getting together any time soon as he wants to be near his kids and he is thousands of miles away.

I know she is really stressed out about it, but when I hear her talking to him, she is saying things like, I have loved you for 20 years (she met him when she was ten, he was 13) she says she has never done anything with him and I bet if they ever got together that it wouldn't last.

I told her today that I would like her to stay until she gets enough money for her own place, (reason being is that I want to see my son every day) she was going to go to her mom's because she know that I know about the situation and that I'm uncomfortable with it, but I said that I would put up with it to be able to see my son every day.

I just don't know what to do about the situation with her brother in law

Not that I know anything about your relationship with her family, but do you really think they would support her in this if the truth were revealed? I would hope that they would be ashamed of her behavior.

I hope so too, but I don't know if I can tell them, I don't think anything is going to happen between them, besides this fantasy of how wonderful it would be if they were together, I'm sure they would soon find out that the other person isn't so perfect.

I guess they will have to lurk in the shadows so as not to have their families find out. I still don't want them having cybersex though, it is just gross.