Broken Heart, How long can it last?

Well it all began about 4 years ago. I met this girl, and she and I dated and fell for each other in a long distance relationship. At the time, I was a graduate student and she was working full time. After the first year, we both wanted to get married. For her, she wanted it sooner than I did. I wanted to finish my graduate education, a 4 year program, and didn't really see myself married as a full time student, so I wanted to wait at least couple of more years.

During our first year in the relationship, she would come over and visit (by catching long flights) and spend the holiday breaks with me. Since I wasn't working at the time, I never visited her (but always wanted to). She would bring gifts over with her for me, and she really felt very happy at the time. I made sure she had good time during our time together, she even extended her return trip for me just to spend a little more time together.

In our second year, graduate school became very very demanding, and she and I talked less and less on the phone, we both felt things were not the way they use to be, especially for her who had more free time than I did on weekends (I had exams to prepare every weekend). One day, I felt that sooner or later, the relationship would end simply because we were two people who deserved to meet a better time in their lives. So I told her that it was best that we moved on, and I blamed the long distance relationship being the reason why we couldn't be together. She didn't take it very well, she made a vow that she would never talk to me again. I told her that I would still be a friend, even though she felt that way.

3 years later. I finish my graduate education, and last Christmas, I was deleting some old emails from my inbox, and I came across her old emails. I decided to write her a "happy new year" email, thinking that she would find the message caring and remembered. She wrote back a very long message, with a very angry tone asking me to leave her alone and that she is married now and has a kid, and how they are blessed and tons of other things that I didn't even ask about. I was very surprised after all these years, that she is still mad at me, and holding a grudge that I didn't expect to last this long. Perhaps it could be described as a deep resentment, but I was really confused why did she bother to reply, if she felt so strongly and offended by my holidays greetings.

Overall, in part, I blame a lot of what happend myself. I could have handled the break-up differently, but at the same time I made a decision that was probably best for her and I at the time. I now find myself constantly thinking about her, wondering if I was her real love and she is now blaming me for the way her life turned out.

So, can a broken heart last this long? despite moving on and getting married to someone else? or in my situation, is the girl's story still being written, and possibly having a hidden issue that I completely don't understand.

Please share your thoughts.

Cheers~

wow...what a story (despite not being a long read). If thats what she wrote back to you, then she regrets getting married to this guy. If she was over you she woulda responded in a polite tone about her new life and apologized for making a vow never to talk to you. Shes not over you. I hope the guy and kid shes with turn out ok

I don't contact her at all, but I do know she did put time and thinking in how she would respond to my email (the email was written in different fonts and it took her about a week to reply). She also blocked me from facebook, I had hard time making sense of this - since I assumed that we both moved on.

In retrospect, I am glad that I didn't end up with her if she reacts this bad to challenges life throws at people. But still, with time and meeting someone else, how does someone could sleep at night if they still hold hard feelings about the past?

If I could change the way she feels, I would. But any such attempt would make her think that I want her back (which I don't), and she would use it as a chance to retaliate against me for letting her go.

Why do some people don't move on, and yet act like they did, but their behavior makes them look they didn't?

Hi edge,

I've read your story.. it's long but wow.. not many peoples facing this problem like you. So, in other words actually you're luck and a nice person..

I wanted to put as simple as i can.. sometime when people hurts they took its hard and long time to cure.. this is what happen to your ex..she actually full of regrets of what happen in the past.. she could not accept the reason why u and she broke up.

For me, forget the past ..lets bygone be bygone.. yeah..people change but sometime they don't admit it..
so, what the most important is YOU.. ask back ourself what do we want? .. if the answer you don't want to get her back..then, don't! let's her happy with her life..and we pray for her happiness..

ermm..ermm sometime edge, its happen ..when we gave people a pen for him/her to write ..but, at the end of the day, they write the bad things about us..
so. forget about this kind of people.. show to the people that's you are not what they wrote about you .. and again, go for what you really want! don't look back man..forget the past, forget n forgive what she did to you..you'll live in much happier life...

good luck!

It appears as if she is still bitter - doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't moved on and isn't in a happy and content relationship though. Sometimes we are hurt so deeply that we just never forgive and forget. As for the reply, was most probably in response to the rejection she faced many years ago - satisfaction to let you know that she has come a long way from the heartbreak.

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Originally Posted by Jas_mine [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It appears as if she is still bitter - doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't moved on and isn't in a happy and content relationship though. Sometimes we are hurt so deeply that we just never forgive and forget. As for the reply, was most probably in response to the rejection she faced many years ago - satisfaction to let you know that she has come a long way from the heartbreak.

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Well, I now know the effects of rejection could last a life time. But I would never understand is that how even getting married could not make someone forgive or forget the past.

It can last a very long time. My mom was rejected by a guy she would have done anything and moved anywhere for and he chose another woman to marry. 16 years later, he approaches her as says he made a mistake and wants to try again. My mom thought about it but shot him down because she had the option of being with somebody else that hadn't made that impact on her life. That history goes on for a long time and carries forever.

It's obvious that she has feelings for you and the fact that you just pop up out of nowhere even for something so meaningless has sent her off. She probably isn't happy with her current situation and is taking it out on you. Oh well, not much you can do about that eh? I honestly feel bad for her, to have such regret and loathing for somebody has to feel stifling.

You are a nice guy for taking into consideration her feelings in this. She is not very mature and despite what you both have gone through still is very inexperienced about life and relationships. She doesn't understand that relationships do not work out even if the love is still there. Sometimes it's bad timing, and people go in their own directions. She clung pretty close to you and is married and has a kid in less than three years. It sounds like she had a need to settle down and maybe regretting that situation she's in now. Too bad we only get one shot to live life, huh?

she is just mad at u

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Originally Posted by cmacattack1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's obvious that she has feelings for you and the fact that you just pop up out of nowhere even for something so meaningless has sent her off. She probably isn't happy with her current situation and is taking it out on you. Oh well, not much you can do about that eh? I honestly feel bad for her, to have such regret and loathing for somebody has to feel stifling.

You are a nice guy for taking into consideration her feelings in this. She is not very mature and despite what you both have gone through still is very inexperienced about life and relationships. She doesn't understand that relationships do not work out even if the love is still there. Sometimes it's bad timing, and people go in their own directions. She clung pretty close to you and is married and has a kid in less than three years. It sounds like she had a need to settle down and maybe regretting that situation she's in now. Too bad we only get one shot to live life, huh?

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Makes sense.

I went from "the man of her dreams" to someone she really hates after l broke up with her. A big leap indeed. I guess anyone's true colors start to show when they don't get what they want. In a way, this tells me that it was more about her interest, and not for both of us. If she really felt that I was the "man of her dreams", she could have resisted to be let go without showing it, even if I said that we should not be together. She did not challenge it, she chose to hate.

Why invest so much in a person/relationship, just to have the option to be mad at them for life if it doesn't work out? How can anyone approach a relationship this way?

I agree that it seems she had some sort of need to feel fulfilled by getting married. 3 years later isn't that much time in which to get married and have a kid. I think you did right by sticking to your guns and seeing school through. Now that you're done, you can fully appreciate all the time you can spend working hard and playing hard. You have plenty of time to find someone else who is right for you.

This woman sounds resentful and spiteful and regretful of her decision to marry and bear a child in such a short amount of time. That isn't your fault. Sounds like you ended the relationship on as peaceful a note as possible. It must've hurt her a lot no doubt, but I'm sure you suffered some pain at the loss a well. Her choice to shut you out and hate you for eternity is what it is... Her decision. I say, move on and begin this new chapter of your life.

Valid point.

Yes, part of me felt bad for letting the girl invest her emotions so heavily in the relationship too soon, and yet me not having the ability to control those emotions and prevent it from spiraling down to something I didn't expect.

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Originally Posted by nasstil2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

she is just mad at u

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Lol. I thought this was funny.

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Originally Posted by Edge [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Makes sense.

I went from "the man of her dreams" to someone she really hates after l broke up with her. A big leap indeed. I guess anyone's true colors start to show when they don't get what they want. In a way, this tells me that it was more about her interest, and not for both of us. If she really felt that I was the "man of her dreams", she could have resisted to be let go without showing it, even if I said that we should not be together. She did not challenge it, she chose to hate.

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You HURT her, and based on how angry she still is, you hurt her BADLY. It seems like compassion would be the appropriate response out of you, rather than this condescending and egotistical attempt to make her look like she has some sort of pathological inability to get over your wonderfulness. Jeez.

Leave her alone. No one wants to hear from the lover that broke their heart. You have reopened her wounds.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You HURT her, and based on how angry she still is, you hurt her BADLY. It seems like compassion would be the appropriate response out of you, rather than this condescending and egotistical attempt to make her look like she has some sort of pathological inability to get over your wonderfulness. Jeez.

Leave her alone. No one wants to hear from the lover that broke their heart. You have reopened her wounds.

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I see where you are coming from.

Since I last broke up with the girl 3 years ago, I have only sent her 1 "happy new year!" email. So I did leave her alone, but her response to my email is why I shared my story on this page. Besides, the reason I shared the story is for purpose of discussion only, not a witch hunt on the girl.

hi...that was a very touching love story...well,just be happy for her..i think she still have a feelings for you..why she still have bitter feelings for you?..it doesn't matter anymore...She is now a wife and a mother..just face your life..there is someone much better than her...









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Originally Posted by maclhen [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hi...that was a very touching love story...well,just be happy for her..i think she still have a feelings for you..why she still have bitter feelings for you?..it doesn't matter anymore...She is now a wife and a mother..just face your life..there is someone much better than her..

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My flaw is that I care about girls I met in past relationship in a good way, regardless of what they think of me. I don't have feelings for them, they were just people I enjoyed life with and things didn' work out. Many were mature enough about breakups and moved on, and they and I understand that things happend for a reason and it was part of growing up in life.

It was just this girl who took the failed romance to the dark side, as oppose to a romance that understands that we mark our lives by our scrapes with love, and our defeats, rather than simply white-wedding-cake success.

In my book, I just hope she is happy, I really do.