mummy VS girlfriend

Hi there guys

At the minute im going through a bit of a difficult time with my BF..Been with him for nearly 7 months now...At the minute he works away from home Mon to Fri and comes home fir evening..It takes him 4 hours to drive home every Fri.. The thing is..he lives with him Mum and Dad..He was married for 8 years and his ex had an affair and they got divorced about 2 years ago. Hes 30 and im 31.

He moved back in with his parents..When i first met him i saw him once or twice a week, few dates here and there and we got on reallly well..We decided to start seeing each other properly then.. but He never stopped over mine at night because hed say he lives under his mums roof and his mum wants him home..I went along with this for a few weeks but it got so unbearable..He had to be gone from mine no later than 11pm.. Id only see him for a few hours twice a week..It got a bit much and i had a chat him about it. We saw each other 3 times a week for 3 hours a night

. He then started this job that meant he was away from home Mon to Fri and id see him weekends..well i was happy becasue i thought he might at least want to stop over with me...but no...he still went home at 11 and he even had to spend most of the Sunday with his mum doing stuff around the house..I got upset about this and said it aint working like this..told him if it didnt change we gonna have to go our seperate ways..

The week after he said he was ALLOWED to stop mine on the sat night...he stopped over and it was great. we even managed to go out and not have to rush back..
Now has time has gone on ive noticed that he has to ask his mum first for a lot of things...He has a daughter which he sees a few times a month..when hes got her hes not allowed to stop over mine ( again).. I feel very secluded when he spends his weeekends with his daughter and doesnt even ask if i would like to join them.. I spoke to him about it becasue i was reallly upset about it..He said he didnt realise and said hed try to invlove me...He did ONCe! then again he said hed got to do something with his mum with his duaghter...
Ive met his mum and dad and they seemed to like me...my bf said i was very honoured that i got to even call his mum by her first name!! i was taken aback by that really and thought what the hell??? who did she actually think she was?? anyway...months on and we together and we see each other weekends but he stil doesnt stop over all weekend. He has to spend so much time with his parents..Am i being selfish here and wanting to see him all the weekend?? he is 30!!... He has to ask his mum for permission for a lot and it really is starting to get to me... He asked me yesterday when should we take some holsfrom work because he wanted to book the same time has me off...when i spoke to him last night...guess what?!!! He told me it was the same week his Mum n dad had got off too and hed booked tickets to go see a comedian with his mum...ask me?? no!!! im starting to feeel so 2nd best and to be honest i just dont know what to do.
. HEs called me this morning saying he will be applying for another job, same company closer to home so he could see me more....he then dropped int he conversation and said " my mum says i should go for it, what do you think"? errmmm well i just was silent... all i could think was that he'd called his mum before me..Even though he says its cause wants see me more... im very very confused on what to do...I know he loves me and he does tell me and show me he does..its so different to any other relationship..but this prob with his mum is getting me down..i just dont know what to do...

I wondered if any of you could give me some ideas or suggestions has i feel like im hitting my head against a brick wall at t he minute and just dont know what to do

helllllpppp xxx

I think it's good he keeps you separate from his kid. You are just a girlfriend, and they can be very transitory, and the kid doesn't need to have women coming in and out of their life.

Other than that, you sound annoyed with the wrong person. It is your BOYFRIEND who has a problem - not his mother. As long as he lives with his parents like a boy, he will be treated like one, and he must not mind or he would move out.

Hi vashti...i understand where your coming from but what i cant understand is he's 30, i have my own place. the opportunity to stop mine and he doesnt!! he has been split with his wife for a long time now and we have discussed the children issue..We both decided we want this to be long term..so for me to get involved with his daughter could only be a good thing?? his ex wife moved her bit on the side in the house has quick has 1 day after he moved out.. I have 2 children of my own from a 10 year marriage and it took me 2 months before i introduced him to my 2.. I think if you want a future its inevitable that your gonna have to get to know the children too...

Wow! Here in the US we call that a "momma's boy". Even so, I have NEVER heard of someone who is 30 and still answers to their mother the way he does. That makes me wonder if he is no longer married for that very reason. Don't misjudge what I'm saying, I love my parents. However, there has to be mutual respect once a child becomes an adult. This guy's mother obviously doesn't respect him as much as she should, but more importantly he doesn't demand the respect he deserves. None of that is YOUR problem though, unless you want to make it YOUR problem. It sounds oddly like a sitcom here called 'Everybody Loves Raymond', although your boyfriend sounds much worse. Listen, there are plenty of normal men out there who don't answer to their mothers (and the whole "being honored" because you were "allowed" to call his mother by her first name is sick). Unless you want to eventually marry him AND HIS MOTHER, you should drop him and move on. If you're not happy now things are only going to get worse. What if you two get serious and she doesn't want you two to get married? Will he have the balls to stand up to her? Not likely. What if you two have a kid? Chances are that she'll be naming your kid and not you. Any decision that he's supposed to make will likely be made by her. What if he decides to take care of them when they get older and moves them into his/your house? Yeah, you can imagine how it would be living under the same roof with him and her. My advice is to distance yourself from all of them and then stop calling him and stop answering his calls.

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This guy's mother obviously doesn't respect him as much as she should, but more importantly he doesn't demand the respect he deserves.

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lol

Why does he deserve to be treated any differently than a child? He doesn't act like a man, living at home at his age.

Mel - I don't think a child who only sees their father a few times a month needs to be competing for his attention when they visit. You have only been together 5 months; in my book, that isn't very long.

Well sometimes someone might need to move back in with one's parents because of hardship. I personally wouldn't ever want to move back in with my parents, but sometimes you have to accept help from family instead of being thick headed. She didn't mention the exact circumstances that led to him moving back in with them, so I assumed it was because he had to, not because he wanted to. Perhaps I assumed wrongly. I wouldn't question his manhood if it was necessary for him to move back in (if he lost the house to his ex wife for instance). If he moved back in simply because he wanted to then there IS a question about how much of a man he is. His manhood does come into question regarding the other points though.

Thanks Incognito!! sound advice...he is totally a mummys boy.. just dont know if i could change that??

He had to move in with his parents because his ex wife got the house.. He lived away from home for 10 years...Im just very confused at the minute about the whole mummys boy thing..Ive not been with someone like this before and i am sure when you enter a relationship, 2 weeks or 6 months long, you are still in a relationship together has if you are looking towards the future.. You dont enter a relationship thinkin that it aint gonna last 5 minutes.. I have been thinkin recently (well the last week or so) that i should just walk away. I feel upset most of the time that i come 2nd and its not good..I thought when someone suppposed to love you they should want to be with you and spend most of their free time with you?? i do really love this guy and i will find it very hard to walk away...just veryyy confused

that's rough. too many problems for 7 months together imo. total mama's boy. i can see him running to her when you two get in a fight and her not liking you anymore. then he breaks up with you because that's what his mom thinks he should do lol.

i don't know mel, not looking too good.

I love the thread title. It's like a mashup of a rom com and a horror movie.

Sometimes doing the right thing hurts. Don't lie to yourself about what you really want (or don't want). Also keep this in mind AT ALL TIMES: You cannot change a person no matter how hard you try. They have to change themselves, and they will only do that if THEY see a problem with their actions.

Since it seems that this guy is fine with living the way he does you have no hope of changing him. Your best bet is to simply move on since you've voiced your opinion already, only for him to "ask permission" to appease you temporarily. He's not a momma's boy, he is his momma's puppet. Don't waste any more time there.

I am immediately reminded of an episode of the Twlight Zone called "[URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_Man%27s_Fancy_%28The_Twilight_Zone%29"]Young Man's Fancy[/URL]." Maybe you and your boyfriend should watch it together.

Hi guys...

I know you are right incognito..It just hurts knowing that this aint gonna change... Ive decided im gonna have a serious talk with him over the weekend...Im gonna lay all my cards on the table..Its good to hear that other pple actually think the same as me, that this aint normal for a relationship and im not being paranoid or over the top..thankyou guys

Mel xx

I was married to a mama's boy for 7 years, together for 10. You can't change him. Understand this: he already has a woman in his life, and she's not budging until the day she dies and possibly not even after that.

Cut your losses and look around for a grown-up.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was married to a mama's boy for 7 years, together for 10. You can't change him. Understand this: he already has a woman in his life, and she's not budging until the day she dies and possibly not even after that.

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That's exactly what happened in the episode!

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Originally Posted by SirWagginston [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That's exactly what happened in the episode!

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Eeew, really? I might have to watch that one!

I'll have to find that one too. I love that show. It was SOOO ahead of its time. I love watching the Twilight Zone marathons around the holidays.

He's 30, he shouldn't be living with his parents!!!! I know he's only living there because he came out of a divorce but he should have used the time to find his own place!!
Also his mum obviously is very protective of him and doesn't want him to grow up as far as i can tell, but whats worse is he's letting her be like that, and that way she's never gona be able to get to grips with the fact that he's a 30 yr old man!!
There's nothing wrong with you hanging out with his kid, infact if your going to be dating him it's best if you do meet her =) i dunno why he's not including you in her life much, if at all, but if he got his own place and you moved in or whatever then you would see her a lot more which would be good for both of you, after all she needs a female role model her dads age who her dads get along with well, and if she isn't introduced to the idea of her dad dating then she's not going to be able to deal with it when she get's older and that could ruin their relationship.

I think you should properly confront him about this. Tell him that he can't live his life like this he needs to move out get his own place and get some independancy. and tell him you can't deal with the fact his mum treats him like a boy and that he is old enough to live on his own and make his own descisions. tell him that if something doesn't change then your leaving him becasue you a 31 yr old woman deserve a more mature independent lifestyle!!

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'll have to find that one too. I love that show. It was SOOO ahead of its time. I love watching the Twilight Zone marathons around the holidays.

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And it sometimes teaches you things, too. The moral of this story: even when she's out of the picture, a bad mother-in-law sticks around in your partner's heart. If your partner is a guy, as in this case, the mother-in-law will remain the most important woman in his life. You can't win.

your ALL deffo right.. im starting to learn the hard way!!! trust me... I do love the guy but i wont come second fiddle to his mother!!! because i know it will cause problems in the longrun...gonna be havin a chat with him tomor morning...tellin him how i feel about it all..thanks guys xx ( gotta say this is a great forum!!..)

Mel x

How did it go?

Yes, give us the juicy details.

I'll bet he grabbed his security blanket, sat in his momma's lap and cried. She probably then breast fed him while she patted his head. LOL