Significant others contact with ex...

Ugh. My relationship isn't perfect but its pretty good. He makes me happier than I've ever been with a man. I KNOW he loves me. This is the only hard part of our relationship...

Yesterday my bf wanted to show me a text one of our mutual friends had sent him and was pulling it up in his phone, I was sitting right next to him waiting/watching him pull up the text. He had to scroll through his texts to find it. I see names of people who'd texted him, friends and the ex wife. Nothing out of the ordinary really but then I see a text from his ex girlfriend, who he last lived with. Like I said, deep down I know he loves me but this is the second time (that I've seen) its happened and everytime it hurts. Last time around New Years Eve, I saw an email from his ex about a computer question. It sets me back and pushes me away from him. Its just a check for me that I need to keep my guard up, just in case. I've been cheated on before and I never want to feel that horrible again.

On the one hand, they lived together and she has kids so I guess they could keep in touch for that reason. He has children as well. However, its not like they have kids together. I accept that he has to talk to his ex wife. Its not always easy, but I accept it. Having to deal with the ex girlfriend, thats asking a lot. I feel like he's getting to have his cake and eat it too and I'm being too naive or being the "good" one. Maybe I should start talking to my ex's? I don't really WANT to talk to them. They're old news, the past. They also have new girlfriends/wives. His ex also works in the same building so I start worrying, do they have lunch together too? What else goes on that I don't know about. I actually talked to my roommate about this and another girl friend of mine and they all say I need to talk to him about it and have assured me he is not the cheating type. I just don't want to be that girlfriend. I'm not going to say what he can and cannot do. Its also tough because bringing this up is hard and I get so emotional when I'm hurt. I don't want to start bawling and come off as I'm demanding him to cut off all contact with her or make him feel horrible and that I am always looking over his shoulder.

Do your significant others continue to have contact with their ex's? Anyone have some good advice for me?

I really wouldnt worry about it, if there was anything at all going on theres no way he would have scrolled through texts in front on you, even if he knew you couldnt read the actual texts just seriosuly dont worry about it

True. I suppose he wouldn't offer to show me texts and bother to leave a trail if he had something to hide I guess. Its just once you are betrayed, it lingers.

yeah. i say ask him about it. no need to explode in a fit of rage or anything, you know? just say something like, "you still talk to your ex girlfriend?"

and he'll probably grovel and tell you about how she tries to talk to him but you're the only woman for him blah blah blah. and if he doesn't say it then come in here and let us know so we can go from there lol.

QC, I really don't think you have anything to worry about, yet. Twice in a year, is pretty small beer. What it does, however. is give you a heads-up, and now you can watch for other signs. Don't talk to him or anything unless it becomes more frequent. MY GF has been wonderful. She has no exes, that she is in contact with, and I've tried to be as open as I can be about mine. My ex-wife, of course I HAVE to talk to her, but I have informed all the others that I'm off the market, and not to contact me except over my home phone, which my GF has access to.

Perry, the thing is I've only seen the email and text messages twice now because I've only seen his email/text a handful of times. I don't go snooping through his things, and I never will. People who have to do that shouldn't even be together, IMO. I have no reason to not trust him. I know where he is most of the time and another thing, his little kids have big mouths and would say something if she was coming around. His phone is always out in the kitchen when I'm around, so its not like he's glued to his phone texting/emailing like a crazy person. Nor is his phone blowing up all the time either like someone's humping him. One of my friends said its probably HER who is initiating the contact. He's sort of a pushover in the sense he'd never want to hurt someones feelings by telling them to step off unless it got to a certain point.

Then QC I would pass it off, and give him a little "extra', tonight.

Why did they break up? I'm sure there must be a reason. If he wanted to be with her, he would be, right?

That being said, though, I have to admit that I don't keep in touch with any of my exes. I think it would be inappropriate. I think the line between friends and lovers is very clear. There's no gray area there for me.

When I was married to my first husband, I did keep in touch with an ex. I exchanged emails and Christmas cards with him for 12 years and it was all very innocent but I happen to be married to that guy now. After I got divorced, my ex and I picked right back up where we left off. The only reason to stay in contact with an ex is that you aren't really done with that person yet. I see it as a red flag.

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Originally Posted by QueenofCorona [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perry, the thing is I've only seen the email and text messages twice now because I've only seen his email/text a handful of times. I don't go snooping through his things, and I never will. People who have to do that shouldn't even be together, IMO. I have no reason to not trust him. I know where he is most of the time and another thing, his little kids have big mouths and would say something if she was coming around. His phone is always out in the kitchen when I'm around, so its not like he's glued to his phone texting/emailing like a crazy person. Nor is his phone blowing up all the time either like someone's humping him. One of my friends said its probably HER who is initiating the contact. He's sort of a pushover in the sense he'd never want to hurt someones feelings by telling them to step off unless it got to a certain point.

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That "certain point" should be where that contact affects his current relationship, which you're either there or about to be there shortly. Everyone has different feelings about ex partners, but the bottom line is that if a friendship with an ex affects your current relationship it needs to end. After all, saying that you won't end a relationship with an ex is saying that you view it as equally important or more important that your current relationship.

Also, and this is only my opinion, but it is no longer snooping if you have reason to believe that he is having some sort of inappropriate contact with his ex. I'd define snooping as looking for a problem where none may exist without having a reason to even look. It seems that you do have a reason. I generally find that people who claim that they won't "do a little research", as I like to call it, are just preemptively denying that a problem might/does exist. If you've only seen his email and text messages a few times and of those few times saw messages or emails from her, that isn't a good sign. Chances are that you saw what you saw accidentally (ie he didn't count on you seeing them because you never check). If you absolutely DO NOT want to check his personal texts and emails without his consent, ask for his consent. Look through them together. You could also simply state that you noticed that he has been in contact with her and that you'd appreciate it if he cut all contact. This shouldn't be an unreasonable request because they are no longer together, and if there truly isn't anything between them no contact will not be a problem. People who argue to the contrary are either still emotionally attached, cheating, selfish, or all of the above.

I just don't want to come off as a whiney, jealous little bitch. I mean I live with a guy but we have NO history other than friendship. I know I need to talk to him about this. Its consuming me and making me sad and angry. Like I said, they both have kids so the subject of communication could just be the kids. If that is the case, is it really wise for them all to stay in eachothers lives? Is it healthy for the kids? I'm not a mom so I don't get an opinion on this. I want to be fair but at the same time I don't expect to be treated like a doormat either.

The only way you can be friends with your ex is if your chemistry is just nonexistent. Is theirs? Did they break up because they just weren't into each other or what?

I don't really know for sure. According to one of his friends she was "FAIL!" what that means I don't know. My roommate says he never really saw what my bf saw in her, they just didn't "fit". I know when we first started dating they'd been broken up awhile and he'd just moved out of her house and had bought his own home. He had some issues in the bedroom when we first got together and said it was because he hadn't been intimate in awhile so I don't believe they were hooking up or anything. I guess I'm his 3rd gf EVER. He married his high school sweetheart then she left him and took him for all he was worth-literally. Then he dated her, then me. My roommate seems to think this gives him a free pass to keep the lines of communication open because he's only had serious, long term relationships.

I'm really probably making a mountain out of a mole hill. I've been known to do that. It still hurts though.

QC I really don't think you have a problem, but if YOU think you have a problem, then find out what this communication is about. I dated a woman , who had a kid and this child fixated on me as his father figure, even though I don't see her romantically I still keep in touch for the boys sake. Maybe her kids got attached to him in the same way, or maybe his kids got attached to her. Any romantic notions, should be a "worst case", scenerio. There are many other reasons, and maybe you should find them out?

I know you are afraid to be the jealous, whiny bitch type because you don't want him seeing you in a negative light. He's going to see who you are flaws and all anyway the longer you are together and you aren't perfect. You have insecurities just like everybody else. You are in control of that though and as long as you are self aware, you can minimize the impact. That's getting off the topic though...

If something is on your mind, you should just say it to him. You can do it tactfully. You are in total control of your tone, what you say, and how you say it. You don't need to get angry or demand to look at his phone. Just ask him what's up. Ask about the ex girlfriend. Learn more about him. You can only know so much from your roommate, you will only get it all from him. Or the ex.

You cannot control whether he wants to be honest with you or not. As long as you are understanding and attentive, he should have no reason to hide things from you. We only hide things when we are afraid of getting scolded when we are caught. I think you are old enough to get past that point. Don't let this eat you up inside and erode your trust with your second guessing. When you find out why, then you can take it from there.

I don't think that I could respect a man who completely cut contact with children that bonded to him, whether they were his or not. Maybe he is just getting updated about them...

It sounds like he doesn't have enough relationship experience to know this would be troublesome. Maybe you should give him a heads up that this looks pretty odd from the outside.

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Originally Posted by QueenofCorona [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ugh. My relationship isn't perfect but its pretty good. He makes me happier than I've ever been with a man. I KNOW he loves me. This is the only hard part of our relationship...

Yesterday my bf wanted to show me a text one of our mutual friends had sent him and was pulling it up in his phone, I was sitting right next to him waiting/watching him pull up the text. He had to scroll through his texts to find it. I see names of people who'd texted him, friends and the ex wife. Nothing out of the ordinary really but then I see a text from his ex girlfriend, who he last lived with. Like I said, deep down I know he loves me but this is the second time (that I've seen) its happened and everytime it hurts. Last time around New Years Eve, I saw an email from his ex about a computer question. It sets me back and pushes me away from him. Its just a check for me that I need to keep my guard up, just in case. I've been cheated on before and I never want to feel that horrible again.

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I don't think anything you've described so far justifies the feelings that you get. You are talking about some very strong feelings, being hurt by seeing a text message from an ex? Pushing away from him when you see an ex asking a computer question? It seems like you reaction is disproportionate.

Change the name of one of your female friends in your contact list to the name of one of your ex bf's. Tell her to send you a few messages asking about non romantic non hook up stuff.

Make sure he would know who she was if you spilled the beans.

Then show him a text or have him find a text on your phone.

See how he reacts.

If he reacts uncomfortably, spill the beans and explain that you didn't know how to show him how you've felt when seeing similar stuff on his phone and while it shouldn't bother you, it does on some level. That's who you are and can't help being territorial like that because you're totally in love with him and have been burnt in the past...

Also explain that it wasn't your initial idea, but from some bloke online at a message board devoted to love advice... whether good or bad, and he reckons actions speak louder than words..sometimes.

Print this out and show him, possibly.

If he has no issue with seeing the odd text from an ex, then don't bother bringing anything up. You have your answer.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think anything you've described so far justifies the feelings that you get. You are talking about some very strong feelings, being hurt by seeing a text message from an ex? Pushing away from him when you see an ex asking a computer question? It seems like you reaction is disproportionate.

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I guess you have to walk in my shoes to understand. I feel like I've turned the other cheek to the ex wife. Sucked certain things up and dealt with that and will continue to do so. I don't mind looking past it because I love him. But the ex girlfriend, to me thats asking a lot. They get to see eachother at work everyday. She sees him more than I do. I get him on the weekend (24 hours) and maybe a few hours during the week. I can't really describe it. And like I said, I don't go through his phone or his computer and don't want to. So maybe they text their balls off when I'm not around? I don't know. Maybe they **** on the side? I don't know. Its just a reality check that I may not be the only woman in his life.I was naive last time I was cheated on and believed what he said and real far that got me.

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Originally Posted by QueenofCorona [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So maybe they text their balls off when I'm not around? I don't know. Maybe they **** on the side? I don't know.

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You don't know, but at the same time you don't have any evidence to suggest that they do. If there are any justifications to your suspicion, then you are right to worry and it calls for action. But if there aren't any, then it could point to an insecurity. He could easily be not interacting with his ex as often as you think and only message her once every couple of months on friendly terms. If that's the case then you should examine your own feelings on the issue for any possibility of mismatch, they can do you a lot more harm than even him cheating on you.

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Originally Posted by Mishanya [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You don't know, but at the same time you don't have any evidence to suggest that they do. If there are any justifications to your suspicion, then you are right to worry and it calls for action. But if there aren't any, then it could point to an insecurity. He could easily be not interacting with his ex as often as you think and only message her once every couple of months on friendly terms. If that's the case then you should examine your own feelings on the issue for any possibility of mismatch, they can do you a lot more harm than even him cheating on you.

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Unfortunately you don't find out if your worries are justified by simply guessing, or doing nothing. You have to take steps to confirm or disprove those worries. The simplest way is to ask about their dealings with one another and ask to view the content of their correspondence. He could be cheating just as easily as he could be doing nothing, especially since they work together. Lets not forget that cheating can also be physical or emotional. Reading between the lines it seems that you suggest that his personal freedom should not be undermined unless she has clear evidence that he's doing something wrong.

Thats a major problem that I see today regarding relationships. Everyone clings to their "personal freedom" to do self serving and somethimes insensitive things while in a relationship. When the other person calls them on it, complains, or otherwise tries to get them to change it they get thrown in the "insecure" category. When you're in a relationship it is up to both parties to put each other first, and to garner as much respect, love, and trust as possible (even if........dare I say it?........you have to do things that you may not necessarily want to...........oh, heaven forbid!) Calling your significant other insecure shows a lack of empathy, and a lack of concern. Frankly, when those people are given all the "personal freedom" they want the door is left open for cheating to actually happen because the person no longer feels like they have to explain any of their actions [because they are personal]. I'm in no way justifying TRULY INSECURE people's UNWARRANTED actions. I think that it would be absolutely ridiculous if you have to "check in" with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse multiple times a day, have all your calls and messages screened by them. THAT is true insecurity. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior, unless someone had to prove themselves again (if they JUST cheated for instance).