Left my wife... don't want to regret it for the rest of my life.

I left my wife 2 years ago in a ridiculous period of early mid-life crisis. I turned 30, and three weeks later left my wife. Three weeks after that I started a relationship with a 20 year old girl. It was the dumbest mistake of my life. I ended it 6 months later.

Now, my wife lives 10 hours away and is with a new guy. The new guy is 27 and she is 34. They have been together for a little over a year now. I went into strict NC with my wife, after a year of talking on the phone, and trying to talk her into seeing how sorry I am a and how much I love her etc. (all ways to push her even further away, I now know).

We've been in NC for 6 months. I know that NC is the best policy. I am really getting myself together. Other than my love life, every point in my life is looking straight up. But I can't help buy miss my wife and want to do everything I can to repair our marriage. So my question to you guys is about NC.

My wife, back when we were talking on the phone was always on the fence about working things out with me. She even told me once that she was going to break up with her new boyfriend and let us repair our marriage. She chickened out that night, She honestly is the most emotionally confused girl in the world. She just wasn't sure, and she just didn't know what to do etc. And that was when I decided to go into NC. I couldn't put myself through that emotional ringer anymore.

And even now, when we DO communicate, it is always via email, and only when I email her about something important, taxes, life insurance etc. she ALWAYS says that she misses me and that no matter what I think, it is so important to her that I know that I am still in her heart.

So far, I have NEVER responded to any of that garbage. I just stay upbeat and to the point, about whatever financial thing I am emailing her about. Which leads me to now start questioning my NC. I don't want to wake up in 4 years, and she is married to this chump, and I realize that I could have maybe saved my marriage if I had just reached out to her a little. I have made so many mistakes, I just don't want to make an even bigger mistake, just because some website told me to not contact my wife.

Guess the saying " Don't know what cha got till it's gone" REALLY applies here.

Wow... Krissykriss. Thank you. I feel so much better now. I'm so glad I found this forum. I hope ten more people give an answer just like yours.

And to anyone who might post something like Krissykriss's Haiku masterpiece... Please ask yourself if you've ever made a huge mistake that you wish you could take back. Doesn't have to be in a relationship; something you said to your father before he died, a boyfriend in college that you left and just never called again which crushed him, the drunk kiss with your girlfriend's friend. Anything that you wish you could take back. Then multiply that helpless feeling times a thousand, and you might know how I feel. I'm not a dirt bag. I've never so much as looked at another woman while I was in a relationship with anyone. And up until my wife, I had never hurt anyone's feelings on any level near this.
I am moving on with my life, because A.) I have a fantastic therapist and B.) I have no other choice but to try to put myself back together. But just under the surface, I am so ashamed, guilty, and broken by what I've done. And if you feel like rubbing it in, just because you are on the internet and feel like you can say anything you want without any repercussions, then you aren't any better of a person than a guy who crushed his wife by leaving her.

Can I ask:

Has the divorved been finalised? or are you still married on paper?

One thing you need to know about women...especially a woman who has been married (so she is used to long term).. our heart gets involved very quickly with a man we have sex with...so what maybe started as a rebound to you ex wife developed into a relationship whether she loves him more than you or not.

Even if she has feelings for you, you have two hurdles now:

- to make her forget you left for a younger girl

- the 27 year old man

What do you know about this man:

what does he do? What kind personality? do you think he loves her?

We are still married. No divorce ever filed.

He is apparently a great guy. Both of his parents are doctors. He went to a really fancy University. He works at the same place she does, and he earns a lot. He works in computers/internet design. He is well traveled (lived in China for some years). He is athletic, really into snowboarding, and the outdoors. He is also artistic, i.e. paints, designs websites, graphics design. He is really short though. Maybe even shorter than her.

I have never met him, so I don't know his personality. I know that he probably thinks he loves my wife very much. My wife is very easy to love. She's fantastic. I also know that he was involved in a very serious long term relationship with a girl (she even lived in China with him) for years, and they broke up less than 6 months before he met my wife.

I really think that he is a co-dependent person though. He must have some weakness of character, because for the first six months of their relationship she and I were talking on the phone almost everyday. She was very confused about whether to try to repair things with me or to just stay with him. She even got in the car and drove 10 hours to see me once, just to see how she would feel around me. And he sat there and put up with all of that without leaving her. I think that a strong "real man", one with self-esteem and pride would have been like, "Look girl. You get your situation all figured out and settled, and then give me a call, but I'm not going to sit her while you talk to your husband WHO YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO, forever."

But he didn't do that. Instead he just stayed. Which I know may sound romantic and trustworthy and strong of him... but I honestly think that people who will go to such lengths just to have someone are actually not balanced, and it will eventually show up somewhere. Not to mention, he is 7 years younger than her. She has been talking about having children for the past few years before I even left her. When she starts to look older, don't you think he is going to want to be with some young cute girl? And then he will leave her.

I know it is a cliche, and most men who say this don't really mean it... but I swear, if she is happier with him than she would be with me, then I would not interfere with her at all. It would be the loss of my life, but it would be my fault, and I would just have to accept it and move on. But there is just so much about her situation that makes me think that she is going to get hurt in all this. I mean, maybe not. Maybe the kid is a mature 27 year old, and maybe he is ready to have kids, or maybe she is willing to not have kids all of the sudden. Hell, I can't see inside either one of them. All I can do is work on myself.

I started this thread because I don't know if I should just be 100% respecting her new life and leaving her alone, or if I should be trying to fight for my wife back. I just don't know. I don't have a lot of experience with women. I met my wife when I was 20 years old, and she was the only woman I was with for 10 years. So, I basically became an adult with her. And I thought I knew our relationship. I thought I knew her. But today, I can honestly say that you just never know anyone. NOTHING is solid. I ruined everything, and I would be so thankful to anyone who can help me fix things.

personally i don't see the deal with breaking the no contact rule. you:ve both gotten over the fact that you were in a marriage, and were seperated for a while. so why not mend things before shit really hits the fan.

raverboy

He seems to be a great guy. He was in a long term relationship before so he knows what long term means.

He has a great career and works at the same place. Therefore he gets to spend a lot of time with her.

The age difference is no such big deal at these particular ages (27-34). And age is just a silly marker sometimes/
There are people who are in their 40s and who never grew up. Whereas there are young people who are mature very early.

My sister has exaclty the same age gap with her partner. They just had a baby. I would not rely on your gfriend necesarily looking the oldest in a few years time as this is not the case in all relationships. In fact my sister looks and will always look younger than her bfriend (as he has this kinda settled mature looks...).

Anyway all this plus the fact that he was waiting for her when she was sorting herself out to me is proof of stability.

The guy is not gonna go and hit the town after another girl just because she is confused or he knows that she is spending time with you. In a woman's heart: a very important sign of love...

We live in a world where it is so easy to switch at the first hurdle that really I would not look at his attitude as passive or weak but more as mature and constant.

Now. The silver lining here is the fact that you are still married. So she is not rushing into sorting our divorce papers...

Hopefully she still cares for you but to what extent?

About NC: I think it can work for some people but in the situation where there is mariage to save, maintaining a mature level of communication is very important.

You have been too long in this undefined situation. You should take sometimes to talk the issue once and for all. So you should organise a visit to her.

I am impressed she drove 10 hours to see you and not the other way round. So this time you need to make all the efforts to go and see her.

At the end of this conversation, tell her you need a definite answer about these divorce papers. And you'll be able to move on from there, with or without her.




I am not trying to make you loose hope. Just telling you you have a strong contender here.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you had your chance, and you blew it. It looks like she is trying to move on, and it sounds like she has hooked up with a decent guy. Why don't you just leave her alone?

Loving someone is not about what you can get from them, it about what you can give them. You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid. Give her the chance to start over with someone who hasn't given her such great obstacles to overcome.

And BTW - you are a much bigger risk of leaving her for someone younger and cuter than the guy she is dating is.... after all, you've already done it once, and he hasn't.

Truthfully she PROBALY doesn't trust you.

Your wife is obviously still not over the hurt and humiliation you caused her, and she may never fully get to that place. It really depends on her capacity to forgive and as she's with someone new, why should she forgive you? She's moving on.

Be careful here. I realize you miss your wife, but do you feel like you want to get back together out of a sense of "righting a wrong?" or out of guilt. Consider that even if you do get back together, your dynamic is never going to be the same. Maybe you both could use a fresh start.

Incidentally, what does your therapist say?

I appreciate everyone's responses. Just taking the time to type out a response to someone you don't know is a nice thing, and I do reflect on all that you've said. And I doubt that what I have to say really changed things, but I did want to point out... particularly to vashiti who said, "You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid."

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

And when I left her, it was literally just a perfect storm of bullshit. I had just turned 30 years old. I was very unhappy with my job. She was very unhappy with her job as well. She was working two jobs, because she wanted to gain some experience as a writer. But she is SO hard on herself that for 2 years she tried to write for this magazine, and I was proofreading articles everyday after work, sometimes into the early morning hours. And she was just so frustrated all the time. I kind of panicked, because I was 30 and I suddenly felt really old, and on top of that, all this help I was giving my wife, and had been since we met started to smother me. And I had switched to eating a 100% vegan raw foods diet, because I had heard it makes you feel good. Well it makes you feel GREAT!!! You wake up every day as if it's Saturday and you are 10 years old.
So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I honestly only intended it to be a break. I wasn't "leaving my wife". My wife even helped me pack up the truck as I was leaving. It wasn't that big of a deal. I DID NOT LEAVE MY WIFE FOR A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL!!! It was only a month later that I met her. And that relationship should have never happened. But like I said, I literally was just momentarily crazy. I was feeling old and unappreciated. I was on a high from this new lifestyle. I looked great, felt great, and this new girl laughed at every word I said and made me feel great. I had been with my wife since I was 20 years old, so I wasn't experienced enough to just know that it was ridiculous for me to go for it. So, I just did it.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again. I was strong for her for 10 years, where a lot of men would have been fed up years ago. I don't know. I guess you all are right. I guess I have just lost her. Obviously it doesn't matter how good you were for the 10 years leading up to a big mistake. Once you've made the mistake, you've made it, and it can't be taken back or repaired. This is just the harsh cold reality of life I guess. I just curse God that I had to learn this hard lesson in this way.

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Originally Posted by starbuck [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Your wife is obviously still not over the hurt and humiliation you caused her, and she may never fully get to that place. It really depends on her capacity to forgive and as she's with someone new, why should she forgive you? She's moving on.

Be careful here. I realize you miss your wife, but do you feel like you want to get back together out of a sense of "righting a wrong?" or out of guilt. Consider that even if you do get back together, your dynamic is never going to be the same. Maybe you both could use a fresh start.

Incidentally, what does your therapist say?

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My therapist thinks much like you do. That any relationship she and I'd have would be a brand new one. He thinks that I need to stop beating myself up and realize that it's okay to grieve the loss, but that taking on this much guilt and responsibility for the situation isn't healthy and will prevent me from moving on. He says that I should sit with and feel my feelings. He agrees that she and I had a very good relationship, and that there is plenty of potential for a reconciliation. But he has ZERO advice as to what I should do.

She's in a relationship with someone who for all intensive purposes appears to be treating her well and who she cares for.

There isn't much you can do about that except to wish them well.

What you can do however is to express this to her with the caveat being that you stuffed up and let the best thing to ever happen to you... slip through your fingers, and you're truly sorry. Should she ever be in a position to contemplate the dating scene again, you'd ask her out in a heartbeat.

I agree with your therapist that you are punishing yourself above and beyond what is appropriate for this situation. You obviously feel deep remorse about this. So maybe it's time to forgive yourself and move on.

What's stopping you from seeking a relationship with a completely new person, Pisces? Do you feel somehow that you don't deserve a new relationship?

From what I've read you did a lot for her, you guys went through a rough patch, you took a "break" which ended your relationship, and you both started seeing other people. Now she's with a guy who's good to her. I'm sorry but I don't know what you can do. You're asking her to choose between a relationship that's working and a guy that broke her heart when she was going through a rough time.

In her eyes she probably replays the last moments of your relationship over and over in her head. You looking great, you dating another woman. This new guy probably brought her out of that funk and they built a bond because of it.

I'd just leave her alone and move on. The past is the past.

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Originally Posted by pisces7378 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I appreciate everyone's responses. Just taking the time to type out a response to someone you don't know is a nice thing, and I do reflect on all that you've said. And I doubt that what I have to say really changed things, but I did want to point out... particularly to vashiti who said, "You didn't give her anything but trouble, and I doubt very seriously she will ever be able to get over you dumping her and taking up with some 20 year old kid."

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

And when I left her, it was literally just a perfect storm of bullshit. I had just turned 30 years old. I was very unhappy with my job. She was very unhappy with her job as well. She was working two jobs, because she wanted to gain some experience as a writer. But she is SO hard on herself that for 2 years she tried to write for this magazine, and I was proofreading articles everyday after work, sometimes into the early morning hours. And she was just so frustrated all the time. I kind of panicked, because I was 30 and I suddenly felt really old, and on top of that, all this help I was giving my wife, and had been since we met started to smother me. And I had switched to eating a 100% vegan raw foods diet, because I had heard it makes you feel good. Well it makes you feel GREAT!!! You wake up every day as if it's Saturday and you are 10 years old.
So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I honestly only intended it to be a break. I wasn't "leaving my wife". My wife even helped me pack up the truck as I was leaving. It wasn't that big of a deal. I DID NOT LEAVE MY WIFE FOR A 20 YEAR OLD GIRL!!! It was only a month later that I met her. And that relationship should have never happened. But like I said, I literally was just momentarily crazy. I was feeling old and unappreciated. I was on a high from this new lifestyle. I looked great, felt great, and this new girl laughed at every word I said and made me feel great. I had been with my wife since I was 20 years old, so I wasn't experienced enough to just know that it was ridiculous for me to go for it. So, I just did it.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again. I was strong for her for 10 years, where a lot of men would have been fed up years ago. I don't know. I guess you all are right. I guess I have just lost her. Obviously it doesn't matter how good you were for the 10 years leading up to a big mistake. Once you've made the mistake, you've made it, and it can't be taken back or repaired. This is just the harsh cold reality of life I guess. I just curse God that I had to learn this hard lesson in this way.

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Not at all Pisces. reading your post I feel that you have really worked on the relationship. And yes it's amazinw how many years of devotion can be wiped out by a silly fling.

In spite of your evident love for your wife I get the impression that this relationship left you damaged. I mean, even during the relationship you were put under a lot of stress.

I think you should take this time to also refocus on yourself and realise 2 things:

-that it's time to get control back on your life. That is to be happy with or without her.

-that you are very young. If you are not meant to be together, who is to say that at some point tomorrow or in a few years time you will meet someone who will make you happy.

I understand your difficulty to move on as the divorce has not been filed and also she seems to have been your first love. You need closure.

Oh I have tried. I have "dated" 14 women in the past 2 years. Now, by "dated", I mean mostly 1 or 2 dates. I am 32 years old in a college town with 39,000 students all ages 18-23. I am an OLD MAN in this town. Most people here who are 30+ are burnt out divorcees who hate men or have at least been shattered by one. Or they have issues coming out of their ears.

I'm DEFINITELY not saying that I am perfect. OBVIOUSLY I have made my mistakes. But I have survived with my soul intact. I'd say that 10 of the 14 women I went out with spent the better part of our 1st date talking about their ex-boyfriends or exhusbands. One even started crying about it.

I've had some fun. My life's not all bad. In fact, I am mostly doing well. I just know that my heart is completely still attached to my wife. Not because I feel guilty, or because I messed up, or feel like I have unfinished business. I feel that way because she is my best friend. I never meant to leave her the way I did, and I feel like all of this is a dream. I miss her voice still. I miss the way she could barely cook, and burned things and how sweet she looked when she was trying to explain why. I just miss her so much.

Listen I am on the same boat as you. I'm in my 30s. The best things I can remember about men are linked to my ex.

I have met men in the past few years, been disappointed. Haven't felt the sparkle that makes your heart melt and makes you want to smile and believe in a happy future again.

But still over time I feel much better than right after the break-up.

It's tough to move on when you haven't met someone as significant as your ex.

Keep fighting for her but also try to not keep your hopes to high.

There is a beautiful future out there for you too. It's far too early to give up.

Build up a new life for yourself, hobbies, frriends, travels, work...


Things have a funny way to sorth themselves out.

Sometimes some alone time is needed before you bounce back into a relationship again.

Sookie...

Thanks. I think you see this pretty clearly. Clearer than I do. You are probably right. I know that she isn't the only woman in the world, and that enough stuff has been stapled to our relationship to where it will never be the same. I guess I was just hoping that we would both go our separate ways for a while. Learn a lot about life, ourselves, and the way the world works, but then settle back down together, with a new relationship that is more even, balanced, and good for us both, instead of it being me propping her up the whole time.

But to odds of that happening, are slim, and even if this guy goes away at some point, I have to imagine that there is already two or three guys up there where she lives who would be swooping in like buzzards. So, I am really at the worst of disadvantages. Oh well... like I said, 7 out of 10 days I am fine. But on those three days where I am not fine, I REALLY miss her. She isn't my first love, but she is definitely the most compatible person in the world for me. She is my baby, and I miss everything about her. Even the things she did that were "wrong" were quite often cute to me.

Jesus, if I ever have a son, I am going to sit his ass down at around age 12 and make sure he realizes how important his decisions can be when it comes to the hearts of others.

Sookie, I tried to send you a PM to thank you for being so insightful and kind, but your PM inbox is too full, and the site won't let me send you anything until you clean it out. Just wanted to let you know.

Oh and seriously, thanks for the advice.

Even if your wife took you back, you should regret doing what you did for the rest of your days. It's regrettable. It's not something you can ever undo, and it would forever affect the relation you would have with her.

I think you should let her try to be happy with someone who hasn't done to her what you did and stop trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Even if your wife took you back, you should regret doing what you did for the rest of your days. It's regrettable. It's not something you can ever undo, and it would forever affect the relation you would have with her.

I think you should let her try to be happy with someone who hasn't done to her what you did and stop trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

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Alright... now that I have vocalized heavily how bad I feel about the situation and how much responsibility I accept for the actions I committed, I must let my feet come back into contact with terra firma and stand up for myself.

I didn't cheat on my wife. I didn't lie to her. I didn't betray her. I made an error in judgment in leaving her when I wasn't really ready to actually leave her; kind of like leaving her to "teach her a lesson". And I take full responsibility for the faulty thinking behind that. But what I did was leave my wife, and then a month later start a new relationship. I hadn't even met the girl until I had left my wife, so there was no "clandestine rendezvous" or shady thoughts of betrayal. I didn't leave my wife to be with someone else. I left her because I had supported her for 10 years, and received little support in return. So I thought at the time anyway.

I realize now that the "lack of support" I perceived, wasn't a character flaw on her part, or even a reality-based situation. It was my perception of things. Over the past 2 years I see so clearly now how I brought so much of that situation on myself. But at any rate, Gigabitch, I have to stand up for myself a little bit when I read your harsh remarks.

Would what I did effect my relationship with her for the rest of our days? Most definitely. But would that be a good thing? Absolutely. We were on a one way train to depression with the way we were living. Now, we have both been jolted back and given all kinds of perspective.

Would I ever interfere with her situation if she is happy and doing well? Hell no. That is why I am in strict No Contact with her. When I was in my stupid little relationship with my young girl after I left, my wife called me everyday, and every night; sometimes threatening to kill herself etc. And believe me, after 9 months of that, it totally destroyed my relationship with that young girl. She was worn to a bloody frazzle by the time we broke up. And I am 100% aware that if I wanted to, I could really show my ass, and call her everyday, and cry on the phone like she did. I could panic and drive the 10 hours to go and see her to try to get her back. I could find her new boyfriend on Facebook and bother him about screwing my wife. There is all kinds of things that a piece of s*&% guy would do. And it would work. Eventually it would work. They would break up. But do I want that? Not even in the slightest. I leave her alone, because I know she wants/needs to be left alone.

I am definitely not trying to "put Humpty Dumpty back together again." But if I am ever afforded the opportunity, I am going to do whatever I can to repair my marriage because it is that important to me. If everyone just tossed there hands up and said, "Oh well, I screwed that one up... better move on." then we'd all be in emotional black holes. I'm not going to interfere with her life, but I am going to be there if she needs/ever wants me there.

Yeah, Pisces...what Giga said. Everybody knows that a girl can do those things and not be made to suffer for it for the rest of their lives.

Men have a separate standard.

We're scum, didn't you know. We're supposed to make mistakes and be berated for them because we're male.

a midlife crisis at 30?

i'm sorry to say that she'll probably not come back to you. getting over such a blow is very difficult-->impossible for most women. even if she did get back with you she would always remember how she felt when you did what you did. you didn't cheat, but what you did was brutal nonetheless.

now she's with a guy that knows wants to be with only her and not some younger girl. i say give her a divorce and let him have her and move on with your life, never to do such a fuk up again.

I think it's best to file for divorce and start from scratch. All this hurt and disappointments will never heal between 2 people. Like when you try to solder a broken cable, it always breaks again at a location near point of repair. If the issues are still there, why bother? You are lucky there are no kids involved. You should be happy she is with a great guy....young and short, but perfect otherwise.

I left my wife just a few months ago, and met the woman of my dreams. Although I don't know what lies ahead, I am glad that I am happy and in love. I am finishing divorce papers this month. I was married for 12 years, and I'm 35 years old. I can kinda relate. I don't miss my ex so much because it was a bad marriage, and I am so in love right now. I think you need to find your mate so you can move on.

That seems to be part of your motivation: you felt like you screwed up big time and you want to make it up to her. That was part of the reason why I was chasing my ex girlfriend and all it did was just push her to somebody else. Unfortunately, only time can really heal that and that is exactly what no contact is for: putting time and distance between the break up.

You have been a huge part of her life for ten years and feelings like that do not just go away. That's probably why she still wants to see you and says she misses you and all that. Unfortunately, for her, she has to choose what she wants to do and it is all based on how she feels. She has something comfortable right now and to leave that to give you a shot when you have already let her down it would be a big risk. You crushed her when you wanted to separate. It shattered her self esteem and confidence and put her in a weird position where she had to live life without you. Something she has known for a decade.

There isn't much you can really do, as trying to break them up would be for all the wrong reasons and would be another example of your selfishness. Their relationship is going to run it's course. It's up to you how long you want to wait for something that is guarenteed.

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Originally Posted by pisces7378 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We were married for 10 years. She is from Germany, and when I met her while on a study abroad,she was in college too. We fell so in love, I dropped out of my University, and just moved to Germany. I learned German from scratch, got a job, and stayed there for 5 years while she finished her degree. During that time she had the worst college experience I've ever seen. She is such a stressful individual. Very hard on herself. I held her hand through her entire masters thesis. I typed and retyped draft after draft of it for her. We traveled the world together. She had a lot of abuse as a child, and she told me that I was the only man with a kind enough soul to help her turn something (sex) that she had built in her head to be so bad, into something so kind, gentle and loving.

She really lost her mind a lot, with stress, and I was always there to bring her down and love her. We NEVER went to bed angry. We didn't argue much at all; we really had a fantastic relationship. And even when we did argue, we made sure that when our heads hit the pillow, one of us always turned to the other and we talked it all out. Always. Her entire family used to tell me everytime I'd see them that I am so good for her because I keep her grounded, and I have helped her through such rough times.

So here I was, running around on an absolute adrenaline high all day. I had lost weight because of the diet, and was looking the best I ever had. Everyone at work and my friends were all like, Wow, you look fantastic! Everything was so surreal. And it seemed like the more happy, and on fire I felt, the more depressed and desperate my wife got. She started snapping at me about everything. She was just so annoyed by everything I did. It got to be for the last month, that I'd drive past out house and ride around after work just listening to the Radio to keep from going home. I finally DEMANDED that we get marriage counseling, but she didn't want to go. But I finally just broke down and begged her to go. And she did. And at the counselor is when I realized how angry I was at her etc. But I was still on this high, and just out of desperation I asked a friend at work if I could move in, and I did.

I wish everyday that I could take it back. Everyday. I would NEVER do anything like that again.

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Why not? It does sound like you have a lot of resentment for her. You present her as a "stressful individual", who lost her mind with stress, depressed, desperate and annoyed by everything you do.

While you present yourself as a gentle soul, who always held her hand and was always there for her. Your story paints you as a great guy who did everything for his wife and her as a ball of chains cramping your style and holding you back. So based on that I see no reason why you would never do that to her again. It does sound, at least by the story you tell here like the two of you are completely incompatible as partners.

You know, I constantly have to remind myself that you guys' opinions are just that; your opinions. Each and every one of you are speaking from your own ideas and experiences, or from how you think you would feel, or how you assume women or men are. And I also know that there is a HUGE tendency for someone in my position to resent the negative remarks, because they hurt. It's the old "truth really hurts" paradigm. And maybe it is the truth. Okay... PROBABLY it is the truth. My relationship with my wife is probably over. I am sure that there are MILLIONS of guys out there who are feeling the same thing that I am feeling; thinking "Yeah, but my situation is different. We can make it. I'm sure of it. You guys just don't know us like I do." And 99% of those guys are full of it, and they fckued up their relationships and are now doomed to the obsessive tendencies of guilt.

And believe me, it literally takes my breath away to think about the day when she will call me and ask for a divorce. By the way, I begged and begged her for a divorce before. SHE was the one that wouldn't grant it. And I mean months and months after she started dating the new guy. Which all plays into my "false hope" for a reconciliation. She simply kept saying over and over again that she wouldn't divorce me because she still loved me, and she just couldn't swear on paper that we had "irreconcilable differences" when it wasn't true for her. That mixed with the way she talks to me in emails, plus her strong desire to have kids (and I just assume that the 27 year old guy doesn't... but what do I know?) All of that has caused me to just hang on to this very small, but very powerful kernel of hope that one day she will call, and we can at least talk, and see where things go.

Trust me, I wouldn't dream of getting back together with her without going through a battery of therapy together. I'd want at least a year of gradually feeling each other out. Mostly for her sake, and to prove my trustworthiness, but also, because I don't want to beg and pray for her to come back, and then find out that it was all some childish fantasy, and that we really aren't good together, and I leave again.

Basically, I am not really asking for my wife back. I know it seems so much like I am. What I am really asking for when I pray about this (and I've never really been a religious person), is just for the opportunity to have everything laid out on a level field, and have a chance to see, and hopefully reach closure one way or the other. I know I seem like the asshole in this whole thing, but believe me I may have crushed her all at once, but there was a lot of hurt on both sides in this relationship, but I am just simply not one of these ultra-modern, screw-it-let's-just-get-divorced kind of people.

My parents absolutely HATED each other for whole ten to fifteen year chunks of their marriage. My mom didn't sleep in the same room as my father for twenty years. And now, when I talk to my mom, she literally gets a tear in her eye when she says that she is so thankful to God that she didn't leave my dad. And that she doesn't know what she would do without him. And for me that is just how things are. My wife hurt me A LOT, over a very long period of time. And I hurt her A LOT with a very hurtful 6 month period. But I just do not accept that it is hopelessly damaged. I just don't. Maybe it's my Scotch/English blood, but I believe in family, and in forgiveness, and accepting your mistakes, and trying to move through them with a stiff upper lip. So, all this "Just get a divorce and move on..." business is for the birds. Because just how incredibly happy do you really think you will be with person #2, or #3, or #4? The more partners you take the less you feel. And if you disagree with me, then it's probably because you've had so many, you don't even remember what it feels like to have that special ONE person.

Pisces

Whatever the outcome you need closure.

Even if it means driving 10 hours to hear that she wants to divorce, you will be able to move on from there.

Staying in this limbo is not good for you.

Separating with someone is pretty much like someone very close to you has passed away. If the death is not established you'll always dwell on and on.

Now, your wife and you need to DECIDE something so that you can get on with life and what it has to offer.

Closure is what you need.

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Originally Posted by pisces7378 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm not going to interfere with her life, but I am going to be there if she needs/ever wants me there.

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Then all you can do is lay it out before her and ask. A lot of women wouldn't take you back. If she does, make sure she knows you will never leave her again.

Gigabitch beat me to the punch. You're already in this sort of limbo, just waiting for her to "need" you at some point. As it is she will not just up and call you to come back one day, because she is with someone who is providing for her and [presumably] treating her well. I have both advice and criticism for you my friend. First the criticism, just to get it out of the way. You mentioned that you didn't go behind her back and cheat.....that doesn't matter, because you had sex with another woman without formally ending the relationship. Don't try to paint it any other way. And that's it. That didn't sting too much did it? As for the advice, I've got a few things to say. One, if you contact her by email RESPOND to those affirmations of her feelings toward you. Every positive bit counts. Also, and I should have mentioned this first, you need to let her know EXACTLY how you feel. As of right now she probably thinks that you are moving on and is trying to forget you. You can't change her mind, but you can let her know that there is an option there. Set some sort of time period for yourself as to when you will actually start to move on. I'd talk to her first, see if she's happy enough with the new guy to stay and forget about you, and go from there. If she is fine with her current situation make it crystal clear that you won't be bothering her again, and that she is not to bother you (along with granting you the divorce). If she is unsure or wants to give you another chance you have to give her the appropriate time to make a decision about exactly how she feels or how to break it off with the new guy. I'll also add that if she wants to stay with him, but won't grant you the divorce that you can probably get one on the grounds of infidelity since she's in a sexual relationship and it has been over a year since you two had sex.

First, I hear your confusion and appeciate that you acknowledge you made a mistake and feel very deep and real pain.

But, my dear, when you said you never cheated on your wife..you are not accurate. This is imporant for to give her a really good husband again, you need to acknowledge that, in fact, you did. You were and are still married. You had an affair with the 20 year old when you were married. Just because you left .. did not change the fact that you were still married. You still are. She is too.

My advice is that you go off NC and give both your wife and yourself the chance to restore your broken marriage. Don't beg..don't pled..be there for her. Develop your friendship again. Go to your faith.. You will regret this for the rest of your life if you don't. You need to work at redeeming yourself and your marriage. Being honest about what happened and not lessening what happened by saying it was not an affair is a good place to start. You are young; you made a mistake. You both did. Now you need to ask for healing and forgiveness. Work on yourself and being honest and make yourself into the best husband you could be for her and any possible children.

BTW what you said about taking your son aside..tell your wife. It shows you have grown and learned from this mistake.

May God be with you and your wife as you seek to start again on the path of marriage that still has you linked together.

Take care and be good to your wife.

It really doesn't sound like you're prepared to be in a marriage. When you're married to someone, you see them at their best and their worst. Everyone has ups and downs in their life, everyone goes through stressful times, everyone needs support from their partner sometimes. You can't leave every time your wife is stressed out. And if she's the type who's always stressed out and it was wearing you down, then you're not right for each other anyway.

You bailed out when things got a little rough and now you miss her. And you've got a million excuses for it. 30 is too young for a midlife crisis. You were just momentarily unhappy and you were getting unexpected female attention, so you made an impulsive decision that ended up hurting your wife. I don't see how you could ever fix that with her, not necessarily because of what you did, but because of how flippantly you did it. Clearly, you didn't think it through first. There is a lot of hurt and regret on both sides, and all because of a whim. You weren't taking your marriage seriously when you did all this, so you need to decide if you're ready to take your marriage seriously now. It's not a game.

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Originally Posted by pisces7378 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Wow... Krissykriss. Thank you. I feel so much better now. I'm so glad I found this forum. I hope ten more people give an answer just like yours.

And to anyone who might post something like Krissykriss's Haiku masterpiece... Please ask yourself if you've ever made a huge mistake that you wish you could take back. Doesn't have to be in a relationship; something you said to your father before he died, a boyfriend in college that you left and just never called again which crushed him, the drunk kiss with your girlfriend's friend. Anything that you wish you could take back. Then multiply that helpless feeling times a thousand, and you might know how I feel. I'm not a dirt bag. I've never so much as looked at another woman while I was in a relationship with anyone. And up until my wife, I had never hurt anyone's feelings on any level near this.
I am moving on with my life, because A.) I have a fantastic therapist and B.) I have no other choice but to try to put myself back together. But just under the surface, I am so ashamed, guilty, and broken by what I've done. And if you feel like rubbing it in, just because you are on the internet and feel like you can say anything you want without any repercussions, then you aren't any better of a person than a guy who crushed his wife by leaving her.

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What is it you're looking for? Sympathy? Advice on how to get her back?

You'll find little sympathy here. Not trying to be mean, just stating facts... you're not going to get much of that here.

Advice on how to get her back? I think you're hosed. There's little constructive I can say on the subject. If it were me, I'd never trust you again. That's just the way it is. As my "mother" used to say: "You made the bed, now lie in it."

Folks, the last post by the OP on this thread is more than 1 year ago. I doubt if any advice is relevant if he doesn't update.

Be interesting to see what the outcome was....

Old thread and OP hasn't been back....

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Originally Posted by pisces7378 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

When she starts to look older, don't you think he is going to want to be with some young cute girl? And then he will leave her.

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Don't assume this guy is just like you.

He sounds like a real catch. It's time to move on and let her be loved by someone who really does love her, who is not willing to dump her on a whim.

This what happens when people start looking through the forum just to find a topic they want to comment on (cough) HHippo (cough). Pay attention to the post dates and old, irrelevant crap won't make its way to the top of the thread heap.