Is my husband gay?

I am very pretty, not beautiful. I am curvy and voluptuous, not thin. But I am sexy, sensual, and loving. I married one year ago to a younger man. I enjoy sex, am open minded, and love passion, teasing, foreplay, and sexual adventure with my partner. I'd prefer to have sex everyday, if not multiple times a day. So far, in our first year of marriage, my husband has only had sex with me 1-2 times PER MONTH, and ONLY in the missionary position or with me on top. Also, despite the fact that I am clean, smooth (waxed), and baby soft down there, he has never had oral sex with me, although I perform oral sex on him. I have offered him anything he desires sexually, attempting to entice him into adventure. Yesterday I sat on the counter in our hotel room in a robe, no panties, legs spread just enough to see a little, the edges of the robe open enough to show half of my breasts including the edges of my nipples. I took a shower with him. Still, no sex. I have tried to get him to have fun with different positions, locations, watch porn together, role play, use toys ... you name it, I've tried it. I get no response. Ironically, he watches porn with women in it who look just like me - older, voluptuous ... but it seems that he only wants to watch other men have sex with women like me, not to have sex with his wife who is dying to make love to him in the most sensual and erotic ways. Last night I slept nude with him, and he did not touch me. Other men I have been with still want to have sexual relations with me, so it is not that I am unattractive. Many of my lovers have said I was the most passionate lover they have ever had. Is my husband gay? What should I do? Everyday I get a little sadder and a little lonelier. Last night I had a dream that I caught my husband in bed with another man. When I tried to join them (in my dream), he got angry. In my dream, he had bite marks on his neck and chest from the man he was with. Any sincere advice or opinions would be appreciated.

What was it like before you guys were married? Is it a night and day comparison? How long did you know each other before you gotten married?

Those questions could open up the realm of possibilities. My initial thought is that maybe he is depressed and has some issues. I had a knockout ex girlfriend that complained about how I didn't have enough sex with her and it's not because she was unattractive (although I'm sure it made her feel that way). I had some serious self esteem issues and was really depressed and it did take away from my sex drive. Of course she tried her hardest to bring me up, but I didn't want to and was dragging her down. So she had to dump me on my ass.

Another possibility is that maybe this is what he pictured married life to be like. I know it sounds ridiculous because who would have such a negative image of marriage? I can tell you that I saw relationships as just something you did and that when you do it, all your fun and everything goes out the window. You settle down and that's it. It's continuous work and he currently isn't putting it in, a comfort so to speak. I obviously know now that it isn't true, but it did take me losing somebody important to understand the concept.

To answer your question "Is he gay?" I don't think so. He watches porn with women, remember?

So just because he doesnt have the sexual appetite you do, hes suddenly gay? Give me a break

Thanks, CMA, for your thoughtful response. We didn't really have sex before marriage. Well, once, and it was exciting and what I considered normal. Not sure what will happen but just know I don't want to spend a life without intimacy. I don't mean to insult my husband by talking about his being gay. I just thought if he WAS I would feel very sad if he was and had to pretend not to be. I mean, I'd rather know the truth. We went to a counselor yesterday who said how important it was to provide that close, loving intimacy to your wife (sex), and he acknowledged it but did not act on it. I am so confused. He watches porn, but refuses my advances. If I back off and leave him alone, he does not pursue me. I feel as if I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

TAVS,

Help me figure out what it DOES mean. A whole year without intimacy and sex is miserable and sorrowful, and I can't imagine a lifetime. Give me some good advice.

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Originally Posted by Render [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

TAVS,

Help me figure out what it DOES mean. A whole year without intimacy and sex is miserable and sorrowful, and I can't imagine a lifetime. Give me some good advice.

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You sure he is the right man for you?

I believe I already told you. Just because he doesnt have the same sexual appetite as you doesnt mean he is broken. Seems you are simply not sexually compatible, nothing wrong with that. I am shocked you got married after only having sex one time. I'm not saying marriage is about sex, but you clearly have a need that you didnt check into before committing. The_Robot is on the right track.

Not everyone is sex-hungry and not everyone is adventurous sexually either.

He did not believe in sex before marriage, but we did have it one time before marriage, and it was really great. Maybe 3-4 times since our marriage about a year ago he has done something erotic and exciting, and I've always responded positively and encouraged him and told him how much I appreciated it. I've tried not showing an interest, I've tried showing an interest. I have talked to him about it repeatedly. He always promises but never follows through. He always has an excuse. He watches porn, but ignores the real woman at his side. I can't imagine continuing to live without intimacy. I don't know what to do. Today it's "stress" but other days it is something else. The point is, it is always something, and I feel rejected and hurt, not to mention lonely and frustrated, and even tempted to have an affair. I know that's horrible, but I can't imagine an entire life without physical intimacy. Sex is part of marriage. We even saw a counselor who confirmed how important it was, and how it does hurt me to know he looks at other women and porn online but does not touch me. What should I do? What can I do? I think intimacy is something you can use to reduce stress, rekindle emotion, and maintain a healthy, happy life. If you avoid it for every problem in your life, you will NEVER have sex, because life is never perfect. What do I do?

Well you've put yourself in a bad situation then as I dont see him changing, ever. So its up to you what you do with that.

hi render .....maybe he just has a very low sex drive ,i'm not knockin the way you chose to do things , but i would never marry a man who i hadnt had sex with ,how do you know if you're compatible
i was with my ex for 12 yrs ,at around the 9 yr mark he stopped wanting sex , i tried everything and nothing worked all that happened was the more i tried , the more i got rejected and felt down in myself i tried talking to him and he would say he would try ....which actually made me feel more insulted , when i loook back i dont think he ever had a high sex drive
if he isnt going to try i think you are going to have to decide if you can live like that or not

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Originally Posted by Render [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He did not believe in sex before marriage.
What do I do?

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Maybe he was hiding that he doesn't like it or something like that, because that's not normal...

Have you talked to him? I suppose you have because you've been to a counselor.

he sounds like a disturbed human being. please run for the hills before it's too late. if you have other sexual offers then take advantage of them.

You didn't answer my question about how long you knew each other before marriage. It doesn't sound like very long and you are just really getting to know the person you fell in love with before.

I think your expectations were a bit too lofty. You didn't have sex much before marriage, what's to think that it would suddenly kick up and speed up as it progressed? While it's ultimately the goal to grow together in a relationship and marriage, too often we see and hear about people that don't. It gets boring or dull and they are seeking counseling or help to try and "spice things up". Because people grow apart and get too comfortable. Like they don't have to try and put in the work anymore. I don't believe he has a low sex drive and even so, I don't think it's an excuse. There is a reason for that, and we all have needs as human beings.

Stress, or whatever is a reason and it isn't an excuse. I remember when I was depressed and my girlfriend was getting the shit end of the stick, I threw excuses out there and acknowledged all my problems, but I didn't do a damn thing about it. Just like this situation. My girlfriend did the best to try and support me through it, but she lost hope for us as I continued to decline. I didn't want to help myself and I took advantage of the fact that she loved me and said she would never leave me. She took too much, got to a breaking point, and did dump me finally. I wouldn't be shocked if she did cheat on me towards the end there. I really broke her down. I just see the same happening here and I don't want it to. Not that you can really do much about it if he won't make the commitment and effort and be more self aware of his actions.

Hopefully it doesn't have to come to seperation for him to get his shit together, it took me getting dumped on my ass to really figure things out and discover what the hell is wrong with me and institute some changes. That's if he wants to finally take responsibilities for his actions.

How much younger is he than you?

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Originally Posted by feeling-unloved [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

hi render .....maybe he just has a very low sex drive

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Someone with a very low sex drive doesn't habitually watch porn.

To "Render": How often does he watch porn? Does he masturbate when he does it?

I am surprised that no one else in this thread has singled out the porn as an issue. I am willing to bet that if he stopped watching porn he would gradually come around to wanting to be intimate with you more often. Considering that he didn't believe in sex before marriage, chances are he became accustomed to going to porn to fulfill his sexual needs. He's used to it. Depending on how often he watches it, it may be an addiction. Porn isn't unhealthy in and of itself, but it can be very unhealthy if it's abused, and using it instead of pleasing your partner definitely qualifies as misuse. All the energy he puts into watching porn is energy he should be giving to you.

If he was gay, he would be watching gay porn. Ever consider that?

I agree with ftm in that someone who watches porn obviously has some kind of a sex drive. But a different kind of sex drive. He favors pleasuring himself with no real intimacy involved. The question is why does he not want intimacy?

What do you think your husband gets out of your marriage? Do you financially support him? Are you helping putting him through school? Is it a somehow a marriage of convenience for him?

^^^ What she said.

Hmmm, this is so sad and yet so familiar. I am in the same boat as you Render. It really makes you feel unloved when your marriage mate has no desire for you. I personally cannot bring myself to divorce without my wife either cheating or flat out leaving me because of the moral implications. A few things to think about:

1. You CANNOT change someone. Only they can change IF they truly want to. Even if you talked him into having sex more often you will be right back in this situation after a while unless he really wants to change this.

2. Porn is a problem for some people. My best friend had almost the same problem. He didn't have sex with his girlfried as often as he masturbated to porn because, and I quote, "I can pop in a dvd and have any woman I want, anytime I want, as many times as I want....I only have one girlfriend and it gets boring sometimes". Perhaps he feels the same way.

3. Men with low sex drives are in the minority. Testosterone affects sex drive and most men have a higher testosterone to estrogen ratio than women, and consequently have moderate to high sex drives.

I'm not sure how productive this will be, but perhaps you should ask him if he is gay. That doesn't appear to be the case, but straight men don't want anyone to think (even for a second) that they might be gay. Perhaps that question would make him want to prove his "straightness" by having more sex. Depending on the type of person that he is and how events unfold he may keep the trend going. That is only speculation though.

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

1. You CANNOT change someone. Only they can change IF they truly want to. Even if you talked him into having sex more often you will be right back in this situation after a while unless he really wants to change this.

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Inc, in reality you CAN change anyone. there's nothing a little manipulation can't do. try it. i can give you some good guidance on HOW TO.
seriously, my friend was complaining about his wife not wanting to have any and that is all changed now.

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Inc, in reality you CAN change anyone. there's nothing a little manipulation can't do. try it. i can give you some good guidance on HOW TO.
seriously, my friend was complaining about his wife not wanting to have any and that is all changed now.

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Perhaps I should have said that one can't truly change someone. Sure there is no doubt in my mind that you can get the results you desire through manipulation, but those changes won't be real and won't last as long as they would if the person was actually self motivated to uphold those changes. Sure you can threaten a lazy husband with divorce if he refuses to keep a job, and get the desired result (him getting and keeping a job for a while). However, if he is only doing it because of external stimulai then his heart won't be in it, and he'll eventually go back to his former lazy ways. Its the same with excercise. Many start because they want to look/feel better or the doctor told them to, but their heart isn't truly in it. They only want the result, or are simply following orders. Most of those people fail and stop excercising. Manipulation does work, but its only temporary. Like duct taping a leaky pipe.

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Originally Posted by Incognito [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Perhaps I should have said that truly chage someone. Sure there is no doubt in my mind that you can get the results you desire through manipulation, but those changes won't be real and won't last as long as they would if the person was actually self motivated to uphold those changes. Sure you can threaten a lazy husband with divorce if he refuses to keep a job, and get the desired result (him getting and keeping a job for a while). However, if he is only doing it because of external stimulai then his heart won't be in it, and he'll eventually go back to his former lazy ways. Its the same with excercise. Many start because they want to look/feel better, but their heart isn't truly in it. They only want the result. Most of those people fail and stop excercising. Manipulation does work, but its only temporary. Like duct taping a leaky pipe.

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well, I vouch for what I have seen and I've seen men and women who have changed and stayed the same for the last 5 years at least.

Five years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, or as far as a marriage goes. I agree that you can get changes through manipulation, but those changes have great potential of being reversed if the person 's heart isn't it in or if they are only changing because of fear of reprisal.