why does it seem like only sex makes him happy?

Hello,
I'm somewhat new here. Anyways I've been with my guy (committed) for 3 yrs in July, known him for almost 6 yrs. When we first met we were just friends or **** buddies. I ended up getting pregnant and he moved away for school and I never saw him until our daughter was 4 months old. We started sleeping together 8 months after that and then started dating exculsively after about 2 months. I'll admit it our relationship right from the begining was was based on just sex. He only asked me out because I told him one of my old internet bf's had managed to find out my phone number at my new appartment and wanted to know if I was still single blah blah blah. Once I told him that he asked me out right away. Our relationship seemed to be going pretty well. We're now engaged and marrying in a year.

Febraury of 2009 I found out I have Endometriosys at 20 yrs old. I'm now 21 almost 22 yrs old. It has affected my sex drive alot as I would be tired alot and when we did have sex it caused me severe pain. So to avoid putting myself threw the pain I used the excuse "I'm tired" and eventually our sex life went from 5-7 times a week to (lately) 1-2 times a month if we're lucky. Now i DO enjoy .. or I DID i should say, enjoy sex. But the pain just turned me off and made it very hard for me to enjoy it. He keeps telling me he wants ME to go back to the way I was BEFORE I found out about my medical thing and have sex with him the 5-7 times a week it was.

As sex decreased, for my medical/health reasons, he got whiney, needy, obsessive and down right nasty when it came to wanting it. Sometimes to the point where he didn't care if I said no and took it or attempted to take what he wanted without even processing that I said no, or that I'm in pain.He would and still does get very immature about me saying no. He'll throw tantrums in bed, pout, scream and yell, stomp around and leaves the bedroom and calls me selfish.
I finally realized my birth control pills were one of the reason why sex hurt me ... I went off them for weight loss purposes and soon realized sex no longer hurts ... and now I'm more interested in sex and feel more sexual then I have been in a year. In the last year and a bit, I relationship has almost come to an end too many times to count, due to arguements over sex(among other things). And alot of it seems to be because he's to impatient to wait one night or whatever. He thinks and has said many times in arguements that he feels more "loved" when we have sex on a regular basis. When we do have sex, he gets very weird and says things like "See told you it was a good idea" .... and is all about him.

Why doesn't he understand that I have a medical condition that effects my sex drive and performance?
Why is he only happy when we've had sex?

Cause he is a major asshole...the fact that he left you pregnant, doesn't want other guys to have you, doesn't understand you have a medical problem that hurts you to have sex, and doesn't understand no makes him a huge douche.

I have a severe urge to beat his ass. If you stay with him you are stupid.

Its the weekend...not a lot of posts get answered on the weekends but I can almost bet most of what you will hear will be about what I just said.

You are not selfish, he is selfish and he doesn't love you if he not only does not care you are in pain but then forces himself on you regardless. ****in leave his ass.

dewilliams is right, dump his ass.

I've contemplated leaving him .... but I have no job as of right now. I've been a stay at home mom since I had my daughter. I'm in training right now to do daycare out of the home. My major thing is, is no job, how am i going to support my daughter and me? I moved 5.5 hrs away from ALL my family and friends to be with him ... to live with him. Although some family has moved 3 hrs closer I have no one in this town. He has MY truck in his name. My dad gifted me his old pick up as he bought a new one then Kevin ( my fiance) but everything in his name. When I've dumped him/threatened to leave ... he uses the truck and my daughter against me saying that if I leave he will file for full custody of our daughter ... and take the truck from me( i know it's stupid it's just a truck but it's my wheels to get around in, the car is all his I hardly drive it .. the truck was gifted to me by my father and I drive it 90% of the time).

By the way I'm 21 almost 22 years old , as mentioned before and he is almost 30 years old. A 30 year old that acts like a 18 year old

i would still leave him. f*ck the truck and in most cases, you're more likely to get custody of your child. i've leave asap before all the bullshit hits the fan.

raverboy

Most men need to have physical affection from their woman in order to feel loved. He TOLD you this, and I see no reason why you should question it further.

Birth control pills are often given to treat endometriosis. Also, NSAIDs, in addition to other meds.. You should see your gynecologist because your pain is usually treatable, and you can't seriously expect a man to pretty much give up sex indefinitely. Would you rather he come to you for sex, or someone else? That is the father of your child there.... do not make the mistake of throwing him out over something that is treatable. Step families are very hard on children, and should be avoided if at all possible.

Geez you give some solid advice Vash. That step kids thread was so spot on.

I hope you're still around on these boards when I'm married, so you can help me with any marital strife.

Even if I'm not, you know how to get a hold of me. :)

I never expected nor wanted him to give up sex. I never even wanted to do it. There's no treatment for it, it never goes away I know this because I asked my Gyno about it and both my mother and my aunt have Endometriosys as well as a couple of my friends and other family members.It's genetic it can't be "cured" all the can do is burn off cysts and scar tissue etc and give you pills. I'm the kind of person that does NOT want to be on a diff pill very EVERY symptom. I don't want to be on a pill for fatigue, pain, etc. I have a pain pill they prescribed me for it and I take that when I need it ... and I haven't had to take it a few months and now being off my birth control I feel better( I'm losing weight and eating healthier which I believe is also helping aswell) All they can do is prescribe B/C pills for it. Well the pills were causing the unbearable pain during sex, I do feel beter after being off my pills. I went off my pills to assist in losing weight. I talked to my doctor and since I've been on birth control it's been hard for me to get to a healthier weigh and stay there, and associated it with my birth control pill. I have no more unbearable pain during sex and we are using other forms of baby prevention at the moment. We don't have the best relationship but we're working on it. We're doing counselling both seperately and together. But he believes he's perfect and contributes nothing negative to the relationship and that it;s all me. Accuses me of intentionally with-holding sex from him which isn't the case and I've told him many times.

I'm not using my medical issues as a reason not to have sex with him ... just cuz I can. I speak what I'm feeling .. if I'm not in the mood I tell him and all I expect from him as my partner is to understand and not push and whine about it. I mean there HAVE been times where I've been the one to ask him and he says no, and I accept it.

Why is it okay for him to push and whine about sex, even tho it IS happening more now and still act immature is he's told at 12am or so "I'm tired"?
He thinks that sex is the ONLY way to show that you love someone. Well I agree it is one good way to show eachother that you love eachother but there are other ways .... he doesn't even "date" me. I just sit at home all day and cook,clean and maintain the house and take care of the pets and our daughter. When he gets home from work he does what he wants, and usually doesn't acknowledge I'm here unless he wants or needs something.

umm... why did you start off by telling us that this was about the endometriosis, when in fact, it isn't even relevant?

It sounds like you are both resentful at being stuck with each other, and neither one cares much about the other's needs. You had better get your acts together. It is very unhealthy for your daughter to live this way. You will have to negotiate a frequency level that is mutually acceptable. Either that, or tell him to go get his sex somewhere else.

My endometriosys WAS the reason for the last year ... but as of the last I guess 3 months now, it hasn't been so much of an issue. For the last year and couple months he's been very whiney about sex and wants me to go back to the "nympho" i used to be almost 3 yrs ago. He's only happy when he gets what he wants. But isn't very understanding as to why I may be saying no to him. When I do say no to him he gets whiney and immature. He's 30 yrs old and if we get into bed for the night and he gets whiney about wanting sex and I say no, he'll stomp out of the room. He's threatened to dump me because I have a health issue that is affecting what HE wants. It does still make me tired or less active somedays but other I'm fine. I have more good days right now then bad days. My only bad days seem to be stress related. He'll blow up on me for something so dumb and little and I get so wound up and stressed out that I end up having an anxiety attack ... or I start having bad cramping etc which my Gyno has told me is my endo acting up because of the stress.

I'm not saying I'm perfect but sex litterally is the ONLY thing that triggers his everything. If he has sex one day he's happy and fine, if he doesn't have it the next he's calling me a bitch and stomping around like a little kid. People have even suggested to us together that we spice up our sex life ... go to the sex store and buy a toy or outfit or something and he will NOT do that. We were visiting my Aunt a few days ago and he felt the needs to unload ALL our sexual problems etc on her and get her advice ( he does this with my father, his mother and whomever else is around and makes ME out to be the bitch then everyone gangs up on me) and she suggested that we go to the sex store and buy a toy, she suggested we make a date night at least once a month where we go to dinner and/or a movie.

I'm not saying he has to work for what he wants but I would like once in a while to go on a date or feel wanted/loved myself. I don't feel for wanted or loved when he ignores me basically and then starts hounding me when he wants something such as sex.

I agree with the ppl above,dump him fast , plenty of other guys that will love you even if you have a child.Some may even consider making a true family with you.

Even though this does indeed seem like the classic case where a nice girl ends up with the douche bag that knocked her up, I do believe that the two of you can work it out. The only reason I am saying this is not because I believe that this relationship is healthy, but because I do believe that trying to make a family can change anyone. Though you should know that unless he really loves you, your relationship will fail. And also, although it is true that guys need physical affection in order to better understand some emotions (there is no going pass that), but know that if a guy obsesses about sex with you, you are not the first person he has mentioned it to. Meaning, open your eye`s to whats going around him. I am sure that the both of you have been working hard in securing a somewhat "normal" statues within your house hold, but realize that he is more then capable of cheating on you. The both of you are young and are probably a bit dependent on each other because of financial reasons. Which means that love is probably not one of his motivations now. I guess that what I am trying to say is that you should be careful. Most guys are not so good in understanding medical conditions when it comes to sex. And since you are probably already living somewhat of a "beneficial" relationship, then I would sujest you start looking for an alternative.

It isn't your health issue that is causing the problem. You already said that it was resolved. Your problem is that you don't want to give him sex because he isn't romantic with you, and he doesn't want to be romantic with you because you aren't giving him sex. I think you are going to have to inspire him in some way to WANT to be romantic with you, and I don't think you should be stubborn about this. You have a child with this man, and it would be in her best interest to have her parents getting along.

In what way have YOU changed since giving birth to the baby? Maybe you should try to get back where you used to be.

This guy is such an immature loser, how insensitive can some one be. You're in pain and hurting and all this guy can think about is his sexual needs? I believe you can do a lot better without him.

Well at 30 years old he shouldn't be acting like that. If he was just as young I could see it. But still it would a bit extreme with the way u tell it. Guys like sex. Pure and simple the better it is the more we want.

Yeah, I get that guys like sex and alot have told me that. It just bothers me how immature he gets about it at times and he makes it seem like it's the only thing he cares about. I'm trying to change in that department .. infact the last 3-4 times we've had sex I was the one that wanted it and went after it. But ... then during arguements he ALWAYS says it's him initiating not me and alot of the time when he brings up our sex life during arguements he'll say stuff like " It's been a month since we had .. you don show any interest in me at all" .... and i have to remind him " well actually we had sex 3 weeks ago and I initiated it ... the week after I had my period and the week after that we had sex and I once again was the one who initiated it" ... he whines about how infrequent we have sex but he forgets ALOT of the time when we have actually done it and when I remind him all he says is "oh right ...... well still you needs to initiate it more"

I love him but he forgets alot of things and yeah it seems like it's they only thing he cares about. I find it weird that he's 30 years old and acts so immature.

It's easy to blame the other person, when in fact, neither of you are meeting the other's needs. I don't find it weird that he acts so "immature". After all, he hooked himself up with a very young girl... he wouldn't have done that if he were able to relate better to women his own age.

He's not so immature that he isn't bringing home the bacon and supporting his family.

If sex is painful, GET MEDICAL HELP. You are a parasite living off of this guys income and you aren't giving him anything in return. How about a blow job or hand job if actual sex is too painful?

Tho, you have kids, so obviously it wasn't always too painful.

Women like you make me ill. Find some self-respect so you can teach your children it as well. Relationships = BOTH partners contributing. No wonder guys cheat.

Umm did you not read the part where I said I initiated it the last 3-4 times we even had sex? I'm trying. I don't think I'm a parasite and living off of him. I never ask him to buy me anything, I never ask him to spend a ton of money me or anything, I buy my own stuff. All I ask is that he stop being immature and throwing tantrums when I say no for whatever reason.

I give him plenty. You obviously didnt read everything otherwise you would have read that I DID INITIATE IT THE LAST 3-4 TIMES WE'VE HAD SEX. You do make a good point tho about the handjob or blowjob ... and I HAVE done that. BJ's not so much lately but I have done that for him. Sex doesn't hurt so much anymore and I am trying to get back to where I was.

FYI, we only have one child and we were f buddies at the time she was concieved and then he dicked off for school 12hrs away and never came around until she was 4 months old and that was for a dna test, after that only once a month for a couple hrs until her 1st birthday.

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Originally Posted by SweetGurl21 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

FYI, we only have one child and we were f buddies at the time she was concieved and then he dicked off for school 12hrs away and never came around until she was 4 months old and that was for a dna test, after that only once a month for a couple hrs until her 1st birthday.

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Oh man. Okay, you both sound like dumb kids. Question is: is he coming around now to being a responsible parent? Isn't he supporting you both?

If yes, then you need to start pulling your own weight. And not this daycare thing. Get a real job with a real career. This way, if he ever leaves then you have a way to support yourself and your child. Did you finish high school? Do you have any college? In what area(s)?

To me, the sex thing isn't even the real issue here.

Good luck.

We've been together for almsot 3 yrs now. Our daughter just turned 4yrs old. I'm pulling my weight as best I can right now. I've been looking for a job since November and nothing. I enjoy being around kids and my sister in-law is getting me setup or helping me, with doing daycare out of the home.It is something I can make into a career for myself. I was also thinking with doing that I could save up and take a secretarial course or a course that will set me up better in life. There's not really any jobs here right now unless your a truck driver or work in a mill or mine. He works and brings home the money, and I cook and clean and do the "womanly" duties around the house. He's old-fashioned in that sense I guess.

To answer your question, In a way yes he is comming around to being a responsible parent, but at the sametime no. It's like he wants to be together without her, alot of the time. Most of the time he's getting mad at her, snapping at her and whatnot and I don't like it.

I've suggested to him that WE go to parenting classes together so we're on the same page when it comes to raising her, he says no, he feels like parenting classes are for losers basically.

Sex probably isn't the real issue but our sex life is being impacted by other issues and he's making sex out to be a bigger issue then it really is.

No wonder. Its b/c you are in Williams Lake. I feel for you.

However, there are several programs you can do online with distance. UBC, SFU, and some of the colleges like Douglas offer programs. What are your interests?

And yes, I am from the Vancouver area and connected with post-secondary ed. So if you want some help, feel free to ask.

Here, take a look:

[url=http://www.tru.ca/distance/programs/un_cons/sfu.html]SFU Distance Programs, Thompson Rivers University, Open Learning, Distance and Online Education, British Columbia, Canada[/url]

Thompson also offers nursing degrees, which is a great career for moms wanting to get back into the workforce in a stable career. I would also recommend things like:

- graphic arts/computer skills/communications if you are into office stuff
- accounting/bookeeping if you are good with numbers--there are ALWAYS jobs for these people
- medical/lab technician if you like science--again, lots of jobs
- pharmacy tech

These areas are ones I am familiar with that I know employers are actively seeking. Good luck.

You say you initiated sex the last few times, but then you talk about having had sex as recently as "3 weeks ago." That's less frequent than your condition allows. It seems to me that you two only have sex when you initiate it, while when he initiates it, he is rebuffed. He may feel inclined to reject your advances out of spite. He is probably becoming testy because his sexual needs are not being met, and being stuck in a family prevents him from tapping other sources (no pun intended).

I was using the 3 week thing as an example, like during arguements he'll throw out a random number or say it's been a month when it's only been 2 weeks or around that. He over exageratres. We had sex a couple night ago, I initiated it then he took charge of the situation I guess. But yes before that night, it was 3 weeks because I had my period and other reason ( out of town, one of us being to tired, him staying up late watching tv while I'm in bed or whatever). I know he's testy/edgy/whiney because his needs aren't being met, I'm trying to meet them again now, now that for the most part the pain seems to have died down, and I just feel better in general.

Thank you muchly! I will look into it a bit more. My interests are childcare and also interested in counselling but I dont know anywhere, where I wont have to move, where I can go to school for it. I'll take a look at those sites. :)

If income is an issue, there are programs that can help with this also. Childcare for some side money is fine, it will bring in some income, but its not a career. You are limited to the number of children you can take. Unless you are planning on opening a facility as a business, but you need business training and early childhood education training for that. Most at-home childminding places I looked at when my son was young I wouldn't have ever considered. I saw households that weren't under control themselves and there is no way a responsible parent would leave their children in such a place. So you are looking at low-income people using your services which will limit your 'career'. So, to do it right you are going to go to school anyway. Might as well go for something that is actually career-building.

I don't know where to begin here.

All this talk makes it sound like it's more work and not enjoyable. Do you actually enjoy doing it or are you doing this to keep him happy?

You had a kid with him when you were 17 and he was 25? You guys were just friends and **** buddies with that kind of age difference?

I saw you say that you would tell him "you were tired" when you didn't want to have sex because it hurt. Did you ever actually tell him what was wrong? I would get frustrated too if I heard "I was tired" all the time when something else is clearly wrong. I don't agree with him however acting this way, and I think you made a poor choice if you accepted his proposal. Are you doing this because you have a kid with him and you feel that this is what you are supposed to do? Or are you genuinely in love with him, want to be with him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE, and do not want to love another person again?

oh how i love dramas..... this is why i stay out of them.

raverboy

It is not in your interest right now to leave him because you do not have the financial means to take care of your child. Try to make the best out of this instead of feeding in the fire. I don't believe only sex makes him happy. But I think he is resorting to that because there isn't love in other areas. Sure, he isn't providing for your emotional needs either. But there is no point in arguing because that is only going to break the family apart.Couples work as a team. In order to put this relationship back together again, reach out and provide for his needs first. In order to recieve kindness, you must provide kindness. Have sex with him and reach out to do romantic things for him. I think you would see some changes if you try that.

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Originally Posted by lastwish [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In order to recieve kindness, you must provide kindness.

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Here^ posteth Wisdom.