Too early to start a new relationship?

I am curious as to how long people think it takes to get over your ex and start a new relationship. My pattern seems to be that I move on to the next person fairly quickly. After my first marriage ended I was dating someone new three months later. The new relationship lasted three years. After that ended, I had some casual dating experiences and found a new long-term partner after six months-- which ended up leading to my second marriage (4 years together in total).

Now that my second marriage has ended (she moved out May 1st), I am falling in love (OK, fine, I'm already there) with the woman I've been seeing since May 24th. Yep, that's only a three week gap. Of course I know that this must seem like a 'rebound'. It sure doesn't feel like one. We have a lot in common (shared values, positive outlook on life). I see that there will also be challenges (she wants kids, I already have one--and a vasectomy). I really care for this woman. I honesty feel like I love her.

I suppose I might as well admit that I will follow my heart on this one, regardless of the advice I get here. I just wanted to use this forum as a sounding board. If you think I'm nuts, I don't disagree. Love is crazy! I am not going to live my life in fear of making mistakes or being hurt. No, I will not be reckless with another person's heart; but I also want to seize every beautiful opportunity that life affords me.

Don't worry, I'm in counseling (for the marriage ending) and I have been open with my therapist about my new love interest. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

It sounds like you never really gave yourself time to figure out your own issues. Have you been letting your penis do your thinking? If so, bad idea. At this point, I'm not quite sure you know what "love" is. If you did, you wouldn't have had 2 failed marriages. I think you should stay single for a very long time, and possibly figure out your own issues.

On the other hand, "I also want to seize every beautiful opportunity that life affords me." Is very true. Just be careful, and remember, 3rd times a charm. Haha.

I answered my own question. The new fling lasted 5 weeks. It's now over. I have no regrets, aside from the fact that she is quite upset by the breakup. In fact, I think this mini-relationship actually helped me gain some distance and perspective from the conclusion of my marriage. My ex (wife) is now seeing someone else, and we've agreed it's best to have no contact. I have not bothered to tell her that my rebound has ended. Really, I suppose it's of no concern to her.

I went and checked out an online dating site (I won't say the name, to avoid moderators getting miffed, but it is named after an abundance of scaled sea creatures). I 'thought' I was ready to jump back in. . . I met someone and we went on two dates. I told her today that I just don't think my head is in the right place to get into anything serious. Although I was a bit annoyed by Teddy's post above (as it implied I'm only after sex), I think I should take some time to regroup, spend time with my son, and get to know myself again. I admit, it is tough to be single when you've spent the better part of your adult life in a series of long term relationships.

People are different. Some can and will jump ship and immediatley, others like me can take months to get involved elsewhere. Depends and for the majority, how deep my feelings had ran for the previous ex and they usually ran deep and because I have never remained in relationships where I've been unhappy, or wanted out and long before I get out. I've always still been in love, up until the point it may have ended, hence why I've rarely been a dumper and why it takes me ages to move on.

I recently thought I may be ready and for something else and 3 months after the last relationship came to an end. This guy came along and he'd sorta peaked an interest, so i thought I'd give him a chance. But of course, it didn't work...I still aint over the ex and I was comparing them, etc, etc. This new guy seemed like he was wanting to rush and I'm not ready for anything heavy, so I had to let him go.

Hooked up with a friend the other day. We had dated before my marriage, so I guess the chemistry was still there. She said she is not sure what she's looking for, so I guess that makes two of us. I told her that I can promise her I will be honest: I'll tell her if I sleep with anyone else (BEFORE we have sex). Relationships are so confusing at times. I guess if it was all too easy it might get boring. I'm a little confused, but I'm looking forward to counselling today. I tell this guy everything I'm going through, and he helps me make sense of it all. Human beings are very complex creatures!

Note-to-self: Be completely honest with anyone you become intimate with.

P o' Fish seems to have worked in this case. I met a woman that I feel a real connection with. We've gone on three active dates (outdoors) and I'm feeling optimistic. Perhaps now with a buffer of min-rebound and a friend with benefits between me and the end of my marriage, I'm ready!

Mini vent! As I look back on these early days of coming out of a marriage, I need to take stock and reflect. I jumped right into another relationship (3 weeks after). That didn't work, so I flirted with this girl at my friend's party. She also felt an attraction, and she started calling me and messaging me on facebook. As that was going on, I slept with my ex (from 4 years back), who I thought was now just a friend. We said, "No strings, no promises, etc." I had two dates with a woman I met online (no chemistry). Meanwhile, my ex-wife is seeing someone new, and we agreed on No Contact. I met someone else (the girl I speak of in the post above), and to make it work (clean the slate) I told each of the other women that I am not available. So . . . I've slept with two people since the marriage ended. I had a crush on one (long-distance). I went on dates with another (no attraction). I pretty much feel like the crazy-rebound-wtf energy is now (mainly) out of my system.

Here's to a fresh start with someone I really click with. We haven't even kissed yet, but this lovely woman makes me laugh, stimulates my mind, and gives me butterflies when I think of her.

Even if nobody replies (I suppose I'm not actually asking any questions), this is a good place to put things on the page and see what I'm going through more objectively.

you seemed to have clicked with a lot of people as more than a friend. idk if that's a good thing or not tbh. are you scared of being alone? i don't mean it horribly, you just seem to not wana NOT have some form of intimate relationship with a girl. i'd say give yourself some space but i guess that if you feel comfortable with it, carry on. i think i would've made similar choices to you but im only young so god knows whats gona happen. just be careful :)

You should have combined your multiple posts into one thread, OP.

Also, here is a list of some dating sites that you might be interesting in checking out:
1) plentyoffish
2) match
3) okcupid
4) zoosk
5) singles.net
6) smooch
7) downtoearth
8) eharmony
9) PerfectMatch

I would say that okcupid would be the best because it's free and you can chat online with users for free instead of emailing. Just be careful with online dating because you might run into some psychos but also you might find someone.

The dating sites will help you recover and just tell them that you aren't looking for anything serious right away. They will understand. A lot of people using dating sites after they have experienced a breakup to get over it. You should get back out there ASAP.

You know, everyone says you need to take the time to be on your own after a breakup. How much time do you need on your own?

Personally, I think, as long as you're honest about where you're coming from, you can start dating as soon as you feel ready. To say that someone NEEDS to be on their own is almost like comparing them to someone with an infectious disease who needs to be in quarantine.

I feel confident in who I am. I am happy with myself, and I think I have a lot to offer the world (friends, and lovers). To suggest that I am afraid to be alone is just not true. I choose to be with people. Yes, I take time for myself each day (meditation, yoga, writing in my journal). I also live alone (my son is here only part-time). I am not going to rush into another long, serious, live-in relationship. I want to take my time, play the field, be with someone who appreciates me for who I am (and accepts my past relationship history).

So far, this has been a pretty smooth ride -- considering my wife moved out 3.5 month ago! I will play devil's advocate here and go against the grain: Why do you need to be alone after a breakup? Get out there and discover that there are other people out there to have fun with!

Last night I kissed my new love interest for the first time. Major BUTTERFLIES! We're going away together today (overnight trip), so I am feeling damn good about how things are going!

Flame me if you like, but what I'm doing is working for me. ;)

Note to self: Check in now and then to see how you're actually doing with the whole marriage-being-over thing.

The last girl I wrote about and I parted ways (the same day I wrote the last post!). I hooked up with a very sweet woman while I was away on holiday (she's a close friend of one of my oldest pals). We're toying with the long-distance thing (3 hour drive between us!), but I told her she should be with someone local-- as should I. Hung out with the 'rebound' girl for the first time (totally platonic) since we broke up 6 weeks ago. I went on a coffee date with a girl I met on Plenty of Fish last night. Meeting another woman on Monday for coffee.

Busy, busy, between parenting most of the week and doing adult stuff on the weekends. My summer holiday is nearing an end. Perhaps then I'll chill and stop all this frenetic activity.

Lots of women on my mind. It's actually a nice distraction from thinking about my Ex.

Recovery (from a break-up) is a wild ride!

After my last post I went out for a friend's birthday and got extremely drunk. That would have been fine, had my (friend) ex not shown up at the peak of my intoxication. We ended up back at her place. Thankfully, there were no condoms, so we did NOT sleep together. I told her about the 'long distance' girl. She got jealous. I said that I wanted to move towards a friendship, but she said she still has feelings. . .

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and said that I can only offer friendship.

Then (later yesterday eve) I called the 'long distance' girl and told her I need to be with someone who lives closer. It was sad, because we really connected. I know it's for the best (in spite of the sadness).

On a brighter note: I went for coffee with an amazing woman yesterday (Monday). We totally clicked! I am glad that the messiness of these other 'random' hook-ups is behind me. I am going to take it slow with this woman, and see where it leads. Even if it sputters out, at least I'm simplifying things by focusing on only one romantic interest.

I suppose these posts are more 'blog' style, but I don't know how to start a blog on here. Comment if you have suggestions (positive or negative feedback is fine-- I can take it!).

I think there might be such a thing as 'love at first sight'. I have been emailing and text messaging the 'Monday coffee' girl since our 2 hour first date. We are cutting right through the B.S. and getting to what we're both looking for in a partner. She is three years older than me. Our kids are only a year apart (I have a boy, she has a girl). We are both teachers.

I dunno . . .

I think all the shenanigans of the dating flurry might have been just bouncing around, blowing off steam until the right one came along. It has been nearly four months since my wife left, which seems like a decent amount of time. Only time will tell. But I think this is the start of something GOOD!

Frankly, you sound unstable to me, NS. The post about you seeming to be afraid of being alone seems dead on.

Two divorces under your belt is a huge red flag. Have you done any counselling about your issues? Breakups are almost never one-sided. Even less likely with two.

A close friend of mine got divorced, and immediately plunged frantically back into the dating scene, even though many people suggested that he take some time to get his head together. He joined some online sites and dated a lot, often seeing two or three different women in the same week. None of it meant much, though he did get laid several times. Now it's nearly two years later, and he isn't seeing anybody right now. He's basically a very nice guy, but it took at least a year for him to get over a lot of the bitterness and cynicism that he was feeling during the divorce proceedings.

I know older people come with baggage but I don't think I could really trust someone who was divorced, especially if young children were involved. Even if their spouse was a complete nutcase, it still speaks to their bad judgement. Of course, older bachelors also tend to have issues. This is probably one of the few areas where I hold a prejudice about someone. Shrug.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Frankly, you sound unstable to me, NS. The post about you seeming to be afraid of being alone seems dead on.

Two divorces under your belt is a huge red flag. Have you done any counselling about your issues? Breakups are almost never one-sided. Even less likely with two.

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I respect your opinion. I do enjoy the company of women! I have attended counselling during (and after) each of my marriages. We'll see where the latest one leads.

i second (or third or fourth?) the notion that you might have some relationship dependency issues. it's not good to rely on being in a relationship so much. it's great to feel wanted and adored and lusted after when you are feeling down (from a breakup) but it's not healthy to be naive about it and call it "love". it's not. it's just your way of covering up your fear of being alone. the mind thinks, "hey, it sucks being alone, so in order to not feel that way i'll just go out and date tons of people". rushing into this too fast is going to lead to another failed relationship or marriage. spending time alone helps you clear your thoughts and work out your own issues so that you can finally go back into the dating scene with a clear mind...knowing exactly what you want, what you don't want and the confidence to notice those red flags when they pop up and take action so that you don't end up where you started. just my two cents.

I know that some people move on quickly (too quickly) while others dwell (I'm part of them and it's unhealthy too).

I've done a lot ot thinking on the issue. I have found that people who move on quickly take as much time 'falling in love'. Brakets because true love grows slowly and no you can't be in love with so many people in such a short time.

Your problem: you are an attention seeker. I know the type. I was with one. You are absolutely fab at the beginning because you crave for the attention and the company of someone new...but then as time goes by honey mood period is over and partners get caught up in other stuff. The level of attention decrease...you might even find that one of your marriages collapse after the birth of your child (I dunno I'm just guessing so don't mean to offend you)...and

one day while you are feeling disregarded by your current partner it's easy to get all excited by someone new who provides a whole new level of attention and romance.

So the problem is not so much about the sex but the thrill you get from a new woman's attention.

I think you need to develop hobbies away from women. Some male bonding, outdoors activities, family gathering, more time with your child.

Just AWAY FROM WOMEN!!!

I agree with what you're saying, Sookie6. I am not in this for the sex. If I wanted to run around getting laid, I would focus my energies on that. I think it is very important that I use this time to look at myself: to truly see what is motivating me to act in certain ways. My first marriage DID end as soon as my child was born. It turned toxic (she yelled daily, I started yelling daily . . .). I left that relationship not out of boredom or intrigue with a new partner. I left because it was an unhealthy place to raise my son.

My second marriage was precipitated by an attempt to 'solidify' our roles. She never wanted kids, but somehow I assumed that by being official 'step mom' she would 'step up' and take SOME role in my child's life. As soon as the vows were exchanged, she felt trapped. Yes, the honeymoon was fun. A few months later she was telling me about her attraction to one of her coworkers. We had been in counselling since about 3 months into the relationship (4.5 years in duration). The issue was always my son. She could never love him (although he's a great little guy-- not just in my opinion). She toyed with the idea of getting her own place last winter. We worked through it. I finally found the Craigslist page showing 1 bdr apartment rentals in March (she'd been scouting a new place on the sly). I asked her about it. She said it would never work with a kid in the picture. I was not willing to put my relationship above my son. I love him with my heart and soul. She got her own place April 1st (moved out May 1st). We tried (one week) to live apart together. That wasn't going to work for me. I was not into having my 'wife' live across town as a 'booty call.'

Yes, I attended counselling (for the month before she moved out, until a couple of weeks ago). I did not sabotage the marriage. I was more than willing to suck up any complaints and make it work. Especially since this was my second marriage, my pride would not allow failure to enter the equation. I would have stayed in it. Thank goodness (for my son and I) it's over. She is now dating the coworker she was interested in. Yes, I've had a rebound (with my own coworker), plus hooked up with a friend (supposedly 'no strings'), and dated several people (coffee and activity dates, kissed one of them). Yes, had two hot sessions with a friend of friends (she lives in a different city). I have ended all of those. Clearly. No blurred lines or confusion.

Is it wrong to look to new people as a distraction during hard times? Perhaps. Am I unbalanced? No. I stay active, have my son M-F each week during the summer, do yoga, meditate, have supportive friends, I've been drunk only once since the breakup. Alcohol has NOT played a role in any of the hook ups but one (drunken make out session with the coworker, followed by explaining I can only offer friendship). I know who I am. I am 37 years old, and I am happy with or without a long term relationship. I have severed ties with all romantic partners but the woman I've been on one date with. Yes, it's new. Yes, it's exciting. Yes, we're JUST getting to know each other, so I'll try to take my time.

I'm not going to rush. If it's right, it WILL succeed. If it fails, I need to sit down and take a long, hard look in the mirror. Composing all these venting posts (just 'blah-ing' it all onto the screen) is very cathartic and is part of my process.

Thank you for reading. If you think I'm nuts, so be it. I have my own life to live, and my son to raise the best I can!

I don't think you're nuts. I think we all deal with our own issues the best we can and relationships are the most complex things to understand.

One thing that came to my mind reading your story is that you don't need to marry. Who forced you too. Nowadays you can easily find a partner who won't make this demand on you, especially if she's been married once already...

If you take away mariage from the equation you'll feel less pressured for things to work out. Also reading your story I got the strong impression that you rushed into relationships without realising that both were uncompatible, which was understandable the first time you got married but the second time...

You strike me as a man who gives up too quicky to a nice smile and loving declarations which unfortunately are no guarantee for a long lasting union.

maybe rather than looks and common interests you should look at the person's reliability and how strong they act in not so glamourous situations.

Yes while you take some time apart, try to redefine your criteria for the ideal partner.

Catching my breath. I attended a meditation retreat this weekend. I'm staying true to my heart, and letting go of the frantic pursuit of novelty. I love myself, and my son. I am starting again, from a place of strength.

Thanks for the responses.

I started back at school this week. I have been pacing myself with the woman I'm seeing-- taking it slow, seeing where it heads, without getting too wrapped up in it. She is a few years older than me, which is a nice change. Our kids hung out with us at the fair the other weekend, and they got along fine. We're planning to just be friends (in front of the kids) until things grow naturally. This strategy is so they can ease into the concept of their parents dating.

The wild times of a few weeks ago are behind me. Dating might be 'exciting', but it's also draining. I want to do what's right, and be a solid father, teacher, and partner. So far, so good. ;)

I wrote this thread (and continue to add to it) as a way to track my progress coming out of a breakup. Yep, my wife left me May 1st. I had a few months of spastic dating, trying to fill the void. Looking back, it was all about trying to chase away the loneliness with the 'high' of something new. I was not ready to start anything meaningful. I was selfish and a little reckless with the lovers who crossed my path. Did I set out to hurt anyone? No. Did people get hurt? Perhaps more than I'd care to admit to myself.

I feel like I am finally 'coming down' in these last couple of weeks. It has been gradual. It was partly prompted by my return to work (after a wild summer of hedonism). It is also the changing of the seasons. Summer ended abruptly in my part of the world. It has been mainly cool and wet since September started.

The woman I'm seeing now . . . I care about her, and I want to get to know her. After the initial firework sparks of connection, there is an entire person waiting to be discovered. We are all imperfect-- our self-doubts, past failures, fears about life. We also have glimmers of beauty within. Every one of us has something wonderful to offer. I guess now it's become obvious that I cannot keep chasing the highs without suffering the lows (and loss) that follow. It is about putting the time into something deeper; creating something from scratch, starting from the foundation up, to build something of value.

There is a calmness creeping back into my life. It's time to slow down, take stock, and cherish my family and friends. I need to love myself before I can offer true love to anyone else.

Had a good talk with my ex yesterday on the phone. I told her I've been seeing someone. She told me she plans to move in with her boyfriend. I want her to be happy, and I also deserve to be happy. We were mismatched, and now we can move on with our lives (apart). Life goes on!

Things are going well!

I am trying to take a slow, gradual approach to this relationship. I sat down and had a major heart-to-heart with her the other day. I tried to put my emotions into words, and succeeded for the most part. It is important to me that I maintain my own identity in this relationship. I am a father, and teacher, and friend. Maintaining those roles are essential. I do not want to get swept up in the exciting newness of the moment, only to find that I have lost myself. I need a strong support network. Nurturing friendships and family relationships, not to mention the relationship with one's self, takes time and energy. I am committed to maintaining a balance.

My new gf understood, although she feared that I was pulling away. I reassured her that by taking things slowly, and allowing them to grow at a sustainable pace, we are actually ensuring we build something that can last.

We went to a party last night with some of my closest friends, and they said they liked her. I am not putting ALL my eggs in this basket. I am seeking the balance of time alone, time with my son, time with friends, and time with her. I am feeling really positive about this! :)

Very thankful for love, on this Canadian Thanksgiving!

Well, it's been over seven months since I've seen my estranged wife. It is a lot easier to do No Contact during this first year after separating. I am feeling great about my new relationship (just under 4 months together), and our kids get along splendidly. We've been keeping a nice balance of alone time, adult time, and 'family' time (with the kids). Dating another single parent seems to be so much easier than dating (or being married to) someone who does not have a child.

Happy Holidays!

:)

Creeping up on 5 great months with my lady!

We celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks back. I was also able to get my divorce finalized with my second wife. I might not be a textbook example, but here's what worked in my case: After the breakup, take a look at where you are (through journal writing, going to a therapist, etc.). Then get out there and hang out with people. The first relationship you get into might be rebound. Be gentle with yourself, and be honest with the people you come into contact with. Online dating helped me find another single parent, which has made all the difference. We are not planning to move in together or get married anytime soon. But, the love we have is strong.

There can be life after a breakup. Get out there and have some fun!

:)