My boyfriend's best friend

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now and he's wonderful. We rarely, rarely fight and always have a good time together. However his best friend is someone I can never seem to get my mind off of. We hang out with his friends and their girlfriends often, and I see his best friend on a regular basis, and ever since I've met him I've realized I love everything about him. I know it's terrible to love his best friend, but is there a way I could eventually tell his best friend I love him? Or is this something I should just forget about and move on from? Thanks in advance for any replies!

Do you really want to hurt your boyfriend by telling his best friend you love him?

What are you looking for? For him to return your feelings? Are you not that happy with your boyfriend? Bored?

You'd be accomplishing nothing but your own selfish need if you confessed your love to his friend. If he truly respected his friendship with your boyfriend, he'd do nothing with it. So, what is the point of pursuing this fantasy?

I suggest you take an honest look at your relationship with your BOYFRIEND and determine if staying with him any longer will bring more pain than happiness. If you can't let go of his friend, it'll only cause you to begin to resent your boyfriend. You'll both be unhappy.

I'm not a bad person, I've never cheated on a boyfriend, and I truly love my boyfriend and I would never want to hurt him. I'm not looking to break off our relationship and go running away with his friend. The only thing I'm curious about is if his best friend feels the same way about me. I would just like to know is all, really. I just don't know if confessing this will be a huge mistake, that's my dilemma here. I wish more than anything I didn't have these feelings for his friend, but every time I try to forget about him I'll just end up seeing him again soon because he is my boyfriend's best friend.

Follow your heart. Break up with your boyfriend and chase his friend. Then date other guys. Date enough guys to satisfy your curiosity about who is out there, so that when you meet the right guy, you will finally be ready to make a commitment.

What happens if you tell his friend that you love him, and it gets back to your boyfriend? Your boyfriend's friend's allegiance is to him, not you.

I don't want to "chase" his friend. My boyfriend is great, I'm not looking to become a serial dater.

If you're not interested in chasing his best friend why do you want to know if he feels the same about you? What happens if he actually does feel the same way?

It's probably a question best left unanswered.

Then why do you need to satisfy this curiosity? What is it going to give you? Satisfaction? Are you that dissatisfied with yourself that you NEED to know how this guy feels? I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my boyfriend was hopelessly in love with another, especially my best friend of all people.

To top it off, what sort of indication has this guy given to you that he feels the same. You never mentioned that he flirts, returns your gaze, or goes out of his way for you. That's not the sign of a guy in love.

Let's say it gets back to your boyfriend (always plan for worst case scenario). There is no way you'd be able to explain it away. No way.

I believe that people will have feelings for others no matter what kind of relationship they're in. Even if you're in a committed relationship, you'll find someone you connect with and have feelings for them. But does that mean you pursue them? From what I've read, there's no real reason to pursue or find out if the best friend has any interest in you. Just finding out will cause drama, and complication. What if the best friend does love you and his friendship be damned? Would you really want to ruin a good thing?

You're also happy in your relationship (so you say), so why does it matter if this other guy has interest in you? Why can't you just stay and love your boyfriend and just casually think about this other guy and leave it alone? You can't prevent yourself from having interest in other people. But you can determine what you do about it. You'll cause more problems finding out in the end, and cause a rift in an otherwise picture perfect relationship with your boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by Mister Wizard [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I believe that people will have feelings for others no matter what kind of relationship they're in. Even if you're in a committed relationship, you'll find someone you connect with and have feelings for them. But does that mean you pursue them? From what I've read, there's no real reason to pursue or find out if the best friend has any interest in you. Just finding out will cause drama, and complication. What if the best friend does love you and his friendship be damned? Would you really want to ruin a good thing?

You're also happy in your relationship (so you say), so why does it matter if this other guy has interest in you? Why can't you just stay and love your boyfriend and just casually think about this other guy and leave it alone? You can't prevent yourself from having interest in other people. But you can determine what you do about it. You'll cause more problems finding out in the end, and cause a rift in an otherwise picture perfect relationship with your boyfriend.

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I definitely agree with you. I am happy with my boyfriend, and I realize I probably am attracted to his friend because him and my boyfriend are so similar (they've been friends since 6th grade, we're 22 now). I'm not sure why I need to know so badly if his friend feels the same, I guess in my mind I feel like it would give me closure in some way, and I could stop wondering after all this time. I probably just sound crazy now! hah

You used the word "love" in the initial post when describing your feelings for the friend. Twice. Either you don't understand what the word means, or you should break up with your boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then why do you need to satisfy this curiosity? What is it going to give you? Satisfaction? Are you that dissatisfied with yourself that you NEED to know how this guy feels? I'd be absolutely devastated if I found out my boyfriend was hopelessly in love with another, especially my best friend of all people.

To top it off, what sort of indication has this guy given to you that he feels the same. You never mentioned that he flirts, returns your gaze, or goes out of his way for you. That's not the sign of a guy in love.

Let's say it gets back to your boyfriend (always plan for worst case scenario). There is no way you'd be able to explain it away. No way.

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I'm not dissatisfied with myself at all! I believe I have such a burning desire to know because I feel like it would give me some sort of closure. That if I knew how he felt I could get over these feelings. I'm sure that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me, and maybe it's totally wrong of me to think that.

His friend most definitely does, and always has been different towards me than other girls that hang out within our circle of friends. I've even had some of my girlfriends tell me they believe he's attracted to me. I DO catch him staring, and he certainly finds unnecessary reasons to talk to me. He always seems to leave something at my apartment (sunglasses, his phone, etc.) only to call me the next day to ask if he can come over to get it, and stays talking to me for quite awhile. I know I'm not seeing things, none of my boyfriend's other close friends do any of this.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You used the word "love" in the initial post when describing your feelings for the friend. Twice. Either you don't understand what the word means, or you should break up with your boyfriend.

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I just came on here looking for advice. I knew I'd get some criticism, and negative responses. Believe me I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks and good times with guys throughout my life, I certainly am old enough to know what love is. I understand my feelings towards his friend are a fantasy- and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years without ever acting on this fantasy. If I didn't love my boyfriend and couldn't stand the thought of not being with his friend, I would have certainly left him by now. I know I must sound terrible for saying I love his friend, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that him and my boyfriend are so similar.

You want to confess your love to him out of curiosity to see if he loves you, too?? You should just ask him then... But you don't confess you love someone just to see if they feel the same, especially if your curiosity is threatening to not only damange your current relationship, and potentially kink the friendship your boyfriend has with his best friend.

If you're unsure about how you're feeling for your boyfriend, explore that, rather than confessing something just to check if it is mutual.. It doesn't make much sense.

So what would be the next step? What would you do if he feels the same for you? What would you do if he doesn't?

Either way, you'll have to have answers for both scenarios in order to figure out if it is worth pursuing. But that is only AFTER you figure out what is missing in the relationship that you have with your boyfriend and that is subsequently allowing you to fall in love with another dude at the same time. There is no such thing as loving (intimately) two people at the same time. So get to the bottom of it before you do anything ... not well thought out. : )

You get to see all the good parts of the best friend and none of the stuff you'd have to deal with if you were actually with him. Don't say anything. You'll just cause a huge amount of trouble.

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Originally Posted by Neuro [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You want to confess your love to him out of curiosity to see if he loves you, too?? You should just ask him then... But you don't confess you love someone just to see if they feel the same, especially if your curiosity is threatening to not only damange your current relationship, and potentially kink the friendship your boyfriend has with his best friend.

If you're unsure about how you're feeling for your boyfriend, explore that, rather than confessing something just to check if it is mutual.. It doesn't make much sense.

So what would be the next step? What would you do if he feels the same for you? What would you do if he doesn't?

Either way, you'll have to have answers for both scenarios in order to figure out if it is worth pursuing. But that is only AFTER you figure out what is missing in the relationship that you have with your boyfriend and that is subsequently allowing you to fall in love with another dude at the same time. There is no such thing as loving (intimately) two people at the same time. So get to the bottom of it before you do anything ... not well thought out. : )

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I know, without a doubt that I want to be with my boyfriend. Never once in almost 3 years have I been unfaithful or even considered making a move on his friend or any other guy. If i didn't want to be with him, I wouldn't. Generally, until this situation with his friend, I'm usually not an unsure person. I truly feel that if I knew if his friend felt the same way, it would give me closure and I could move past this. I realize this probably sounds ridiculous to everyone, but I just need to satisfy my curiosity. Thanks for everyone's input though :)

If you knew "without a doubt" that you in fact wanted to be with your boyfriend, then you wouldn't care about what other guys think of you. Not even a little bit. But you have to know so badly, so it's not "without a doubt." Think about it.

It is not crazy, just not properly thought out. So it is either selfish or immature. And immature in a sense that you say one thig (without a doubt) and then undo it by saying another (I need to know if his best friend loves me).

And by the way, if they are best friends then he's being a nice guy by caring for his best friend's girl. Of course he won't treat you like other girls. You're running the risk of looking very silly. In the end, even if he did love you, he'll stick to his friend, and certainly not some chick who fell in love with her boyfriend's best friend. Who would want to risk that happening to them?

Lastly, guys are forgetful. They leave things around all the time. You may be reading into it a little too much. It's only common sense.

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Originally Posted by Neuro [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you knew "without a doubt" that you in fact wanted to be with your boyfriend, then you wouldn't care about what other guys think of you. Not even a little bit. But you have to know so badly, so it's not "without a doubt." Think about it.

It is not crazy, just not properly thought out. So it is either selfish or immature. And immature in a sense that you say one thig (without a doubt) and then undo it by saying another (I need to know if his best friend loves me).

And by the way, if they are best friends then he's being a nice guy by caring for his best friend's girl. Of course he won't treat you like other girls. You're running the risk of looking very silly. In the end, even if he did love you, he'll stick to his friend, and certainly not some chick who fell in love with her boyfriend's best friend. Who would want to risk that happening to them?

Lastly, guys are forgetful. They leave things around all the time. You may be reading into it a little too much. It's only common sense.

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If you call 3 days in a row leaving something at my place forgetful, when none of his other friends have done it, I don't know what to tell you. He has other close friends that I've known for just as long, and none of them treat me the way he does. He also knows my boyfriends other friends girlfriends well, and all of the girls have told me numerous times they feel he likes me. You must think I'm a stupid girl, and I know how stupid my predicament may sound, but I'm not clueless when it comes to telling if a guy likes me. I've danced around this for almost 3 years, I think I know I'm not "reading into things". Especially when other people have been telling me they've seen it too.

Thanks for your input, really, I appreciate everything everyone has to say, but I'm not some school girl living in a fantasy daydreaming about the guys from Twilight. I have an idea of reality, and if I sensed he was just caring about me as a friend, I could have dumped this idea a long time ago. Why this is weighing so heavily on me is because I'm almost positive he feels the same way, but we both obviously know nothing could ever come of this, so nothing has ever been said about it. Having the satisfaction of knowing may not make much sense to you, but it does to me.

As forum members, we can only go by what you tell us. : )

If you are confident in what you are feeling and that you are about to do the right thing, then you don't need us to tell you what is right or wrong. Best of luck.

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Originally Posted by abbytaylor209 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just came on here looking for advice. I knew I'd get some criticism, and negative responses. Believe me I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks and good times with guys throughout my life, I certainly am old enough to know what love is.

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You are only 22. You don't even know what you don't know. Your question only emphasizes this.

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I know I must sound terrible for saying I love his friend, but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that him and my boyfriend are so similar.

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If you had half of the maturity you claim you would either break up with your BF or leave his friend alone. You sound like an insecure attention whore.

If you suspect his friend has feelings for you it is cruel to try to force them out of him unless you are prepared to follow through. Some questions are best left unasked until you know what you are prepared to do with the answer.

I predict that the next two threads from abby will be titled:

My boyfriend's best friend loves me

and

I had sex with my boyfriend's best friend

In all seriousness, Abby, you really need to forget about this. Finding out will probably ruin your relationship with your boyfriend, when he hears about it from his friend. You don't need to know, you need to stop obsessing. Stop telling yourself that you need to know. Instead, tell yourself that you don't care. Forget about the concept of closure, that's for weak people who don't take responsibility for their own thoughts and urges.

Abby, bottom line, no one here supports your desire to divulge your feelings to your boyfriend's friend. If you were looking for support, which it seems like you were, you won't find it here. This is primarily due to the fact that we've seen many posters come here during the aftermath of such an error. Too late they realized their actions had terrible consequences and came here requesting advice on how to fix everything. You are in a position to PREVENT this. What is greater? Your feelings for your boyfriend, or your desire to have this question answered and potentially destroy your relationship and your boyfriend's friendship?

This is not something you'll be able to take back if it goes bad. The word "love" is a strong word, and the effect it has over the human mind and emotions is life-changing. So, really THINK, "Why do I need this 'closure'?" Do you like knowing that other men desire you? Does it boost your ego? What happens if he does return your feelings? Do you think he'll just leave it alone? Will you? Answer these questions honestly. You've given very cursory answers to our previous questions, with facts indefinitely proving your suspicions that this guy feels the same.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You are only 22. You don't even know what you don't know. Your question only emphasizes this.



If you had half of the maturity you claim you would either break up with your BF or leave his friend alone. You sound like an insecure attention whore.

If you suspect his friend has feelings for you it is cruel to try to force them out of him unless you are prepared to follow through. Some questions are best left unasked until you know what you are prepared to do with the answer.

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I have left his friend alone. I'm not bothering him day and night asking what his feelings are for me. I've never brought up the subject to him ever. You don't need to be cruel. You don't know me, so you have no right to say I'm an attention whore. I would've acted on this long ago if I was a slut that needed more than one guy to sleep with. A appreciate your response, and I'm realizing from what everyone else has said that it is something I should just leave be. No one else needed to add that they think I'm some attention seeking high schooler, so please don't say I am. I'm actually quite a shy girl, which is why it's been almost 3 years without me ever saying anything about this to anyone. I like t think I have a good head on my shoulders and I've always believed I was mature. I can see why my thread here would mislead people, but in all other aspects of my life I have a good handle on things! Thanks for your help though :)

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I predict that the next two threads from abby will be titled:

My boyfriend's best friend loves me

and

I had sex with my boyfriend's best friend

In all seriousness, Abby, you really need to forget about this. Finding out will probably ruin your relationship with your boyfriend, when he hears about it from his friend. You don't need to know, you need to stop obsessing. Stop telling yourself that you need to know. Instead, tell yourself that you don't care. Forget about the concept of closure, that's for weak people who don't take responsibility for their own thoughts and urges.

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No, I'm sorry I'm not that type of girl. I never was, so you'll never get the satisfaction of seeing that from me. Even if I confessed to my boyfriend's friend my feelings for him and he reciprocated them, I wouldn't ever go that route. I'm fairly shy and would never, ever be unfaithful. My boyfriend is great, and these feelings I have for his friend already make me feel terrible about myself. I know it's wrong to have these feelings. I've come to a decision to not confess anything to anyone. Everyone here has helped me realize that. I was looking for an answer by coming to this forum, and now I have one.

You will only be breaking 2 boys hearts by finding out your boyfriend's best friend returns your feelings. Don't be so selfish, think about the two males in this situation. You really think it would play out "oh hey, we like each other and now let's never speak of it again"... Yeaaaaaah, right. It is going to cause problems with your boyfriend and you, his friend and you AND them as friends. You need to get over your "need", if you really did love either of them you would be considering how much this could hurt them.

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Originally Posted by Paperclip [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You will only be breaking 2 boys hearts by finding out your boyfriend's best friend returns your feelings. Don't be so selfish, think about the two males in this situation. You really think it would play out "oh hey, we like each other and now let's never speak of it again"... Yeaaaaaah, right. It is going to cause problems with your boyfriend and you, his friend and you AND them as friends. You need to get over your "need", if you really did love either of them you would be considering how much this could hurt them.

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Thanks. Yeah based on everyone's responses I've decided to leave it be haha. I know now from everyones advice that it would only cause tons of problems between all of us.

I wrote that you sounded like an attention whore b/c your posts made you sound like one. If you aren't then good. Tho I find that when a poster keys into a statement like that as defensively as you did, it probably means you worry there may be some truth to it. Which is why you reacted so defensively.

Anyway, I'm glad you now understand this isn't all about you. It is good you can see things from your BF and his friends perspective. You will be a better person for being able to imagine the consequences of your actions from another person's viewpoint. I do give you props for knowing enough to come online and ask for some objective advice about this. Good luck Abby.

To be honest if his friend is even just a 'decent' friend he would tell you to chase yourself!

Its a bro thing, no guy would ever do that to his best mate thats just wrong on so many levels! i personally think you should keep this to yourself and stop hanging around with that guy.

If you love someone else its unfair for you to be stringing your boyfriend along, you know he would be absolutely crushed if this cat got out the bag.