The Friend Zone or "How the heck do you stop obsessing over someone?"

Sorry about how long this message will be. It's two related problems rolled into one. Any advice would be much appreciated.


I have always had a problem that I am not attracted to many other people. I am pretty social and find women beautiful, but the women I want to REALLY get to know are few and far between. I realize that this limits me, and if I knew how to fix it I would. Occassionaly I find that one woman who seems to completely capture my attention. There doesn't seem to be any common thread between the women I seem to go for, but once I am interested in one--I would lock in and basically obsess. I would wonder if I would bump into them in the hallways at school or work. Any time I went out, I would hope I would see them and would be completely disappointed if I didn't. Etc, etc.

Never stalker-like. I wouldn't want to act out the obsessiveness, but in my head i would think about these women all the time. Many of them had boyfriends or just weren't interested. I have probably felt this way about 15 girls in my life, and have had a relationship with 3 of them. I have hooked up with more girls than that, but basically because I thought it would be a healthy thing to do. I have never really been in it for just the sex though and am definitely a girlfriend-wanting type of guy.

One of these women and I had a very successful relationship. She made me very happy and we dated for 8 years. During that time I never once felt obsessive or even vaguely interested in another woman. In the end, it didn't work out. I wanted marriage, she didn't and we broke up a year ago.

During the past year I have worked on my confidence. I am feeling really good about myself, but hadn't found anyone I wanted to ask out until about a month ago. i hadn't felt any kind of obsessive interest in a woman in 9 years and was hoping it was gone for good.

I recently met a girl who was really friendly and we hit it off well. I am physically attracted to her, but am amazed how endearing I find everything that she says or does. Just thinking about her makes me so happy. We talk to each other either online for hours or through texting several times a week. I am not an online chatting/texting kind of guy either.

I asked her out about two weeks ago and it surprised her. She said she just wanted to be friends. Usually I would call it quits at that, but this girl really brightens my day and i thought I'd be stupid not to keep her in my life as a friend.

We have been talking for the last two weeks and she has really opened up to me (which she says she doesn't do to anyone). I think she has a crush on some guy she dated last summer and is hoping he will move to our city someday soon. that's the one subject I don't really ask her about. She asked me to coffee today and I was sure that after all the connecting we have been doing,when she saw me again for the first time in two weeks she would be way more into me. I'm no master of body language, but her shoulders were pointed away from me, she never leaned in close to talk to me, and her legs were crossed. Good eye contact and engaging conversation though. Doesn't seem like the body language of someone who has changed her mind about dating me. We are apparently going to the movies in a few days. Think i'm definitely in the friend-zone.

I'll wrap it up.

My brain still slightly works, and it's telling me that "I just want to be friends" means exactly that. I've heard of good friends getting together after years, but I've seen just as many tag after the other one like a puppy. I don't really want to be that guy. The problem is that the "obsessiveness" is back. After 9 years without it, I can't stop thinking about this girl. Sometimes I just hang out by my compuer hoping she'll start AIMing me. That's really not where I want to be at this point in my life. The thought of not talking to her or spending time with her has got me hesitating though.

Two questions:

Should I just cut myself off from this girl? I think I like her too much to be content as friends. I'm just going to keep asking her out as the months go by. If we were dating, thinking about her all the time might be romantic, since we're not it's kind of pathetic. But part of me has convinced myself that my charms will eventually win out. Am I an idiot?

Any idea how to stop these obsessive thoughts? I know the best thing to do would be to go date another woman, but I'm just not that interested. It's not like I find fault in most women, there's just nothing there. It's like I go from asexual to head-over-heels in love. From my past experience it just takes time. Lots and lots of time. There must be a better way. Advice? I sure could use some.

Thanks for reading.

If you don't think you should be friends with this girl because you will just want her more and keep asking her out when she has made it clear she just wants to be friends, then yes you are going to have to cut contact. Either fully or until you can be friends and not have them feelings because it does not seem like she is interested or will change her mind at all. Obsessive behaviour like that is not attractive to anyone, and you need to go look for another girl who does like you and forget this one totally in any romantic way.

You are right of course. It's a shame I can't be happy with the "friends" status, because I really enjoy talking to her. I am debating whether to just cut off contact or write her a message explaining why I need to do this. The latter will make me feel like an idiot, but she probably deserves the truth so she doesn't think it's something she did. I haven't decided yet.

Thanks for the help Natlee

I agree, you should cut off all contact ASAP. The more you contact her the more needy/insecure/obsessive you look. Writing a letter might be good, about three or four weeks after you cut off contact

Yeah, that's probably true. She keeps trying to contact me through chat, so I just don't log in now. I promised her a few weeks back I'd give her lessons on a computer program, but having her next to me in my house everyday seems like a really bad idea. I'm going on vacation next week so hopefully that will give the situation some space.

If you guys think the message/ letter thing sounds like the way to go, I'll send it in a few weeks.

Thanks

Make the leap and don't fall into the abyss! :D

No letters, no contact.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No letters, no contact.

---

This is it. If you must interact, stay polite and aloof.

Fine, with a more serious answer, what girl68 said is it.

If you have been outright rejected, you just need to stop all contact, and find others things to do. Only way I have been able to get my best of friends to move on was to force them to cut contact, and they ended up much, MUCH better in the end.

Okay. I read the message loud and clear.

The more I've been pulling away, the more she is trying to contact me. She probably just misses my attention I guess.

If no contact is the answer, then that's the way I'll go.

you like the fact that she still tries to contact you dont you?
I'm guessing that by the time you read this you'll have given in and replied to her in some way...? tell me I'm wrong...

For me the whole detatching thing went down badly. we pass each other and dont know what to say... I cant tell of she's pissed at me (very likely) or if she thinks i'm being..'odd'. I hope it goes better for you, unlike you I have to be in proximity of her once every week - nothing I can do about it!

Yes, I admit I do like that she tries to contact me. It makes my day even though I know it's terrible for me. I have tried to avoid her but we randomly were placed on the same softball team and now she works with me. I see her every day. She flirts with everyone in front of me while often ignoring me, and then acts like we are best friends outside of work. It is outright torture. My brain says "to hell with her", but unfortunately my heart is a complete sucker. I'm making myself crazy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CenterNeptune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes, I admit I do like that she tries to contact me. It makes my day even though I know it's terrible for me. I have tried to avoid her but we randomly were placed on the same softball team and now she works with me. I see her every day. She flirts with everyone in front of me while often ignoring me, and then acts like we are best friends outside of work. It is outright torture. My brain says "to hell with her", but unfortunately my heart is a complete sucker. I'm making myself crazy.

---

I feel the exact same way man >_< i despise the friend zone. But i agree with what everybody said about sending a letter. She does deserve to know why you stoped talking to her so send that letter!

No need to send a letter. I stopped talking to her for like two days before she kept constantly appearing in my life. We still talk every day now which is part of the problem. I couldn't keep away. I just need to refind my self esteem and stay away from this person who doesn't treat me very nicely. Easier said than done in matters of the heart.

CenterNeptune . . . how are things with you now? I am in a similar situation and feeling a bit hopeless. I hate obsessing . . . keeping an eye on my computer all day / night waiting for some contact, some message that he wants to talk to me. Waking up in the middle of the night with him invading my thoughts, keeping me from having meaningful conversation with my family and friends because I seclude myself with my thoughts, waiting for contact. I know this isn't healthy and I know I need to stop, but I haven't found the strength to do so.

Quote:

---

GirlInSameBoat
CenterNeptune . . . how are things with you now? I am in a similar situation and feeling a bit hopeless. I hate obsessing . . . keeping an eye on my computer all day / night waiting for some contact, some message that he wants to talk to me. Waking up in the middle of the night with him invading my thoughts, keeping me from having meaningful conversation with my family and friends because I seclude myself with my thoughts, waiting for contact. I know this isn't healthy and I know I need to stop, but I haven't found the strength to do so.

---

Hi GirlInSameBoat,

I can completely identify with this. It feels miserable, draining, and completely illogical.

I have only recently started getting over her and it feels like waking up from a bad dream. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but here's what was helpful for me.

First I had to look at the reality of the situation. I realized that I was idealizing and romanticizing what I wanted our relationship to be. In reality, I knew it was a bad fit. She was no where near as perfect in real life as she was in my head. This really didn't matter at first though. I was still obsessed, but when I started to get over it i was glad i had the logical point of view.

Avoidance would have been my next best option. She started working with me and going out in my group, so I couldn't help but see her. I'm not sure if you can avoid this guy, but constantly seeing someone does not let the obsessiveness heal that well.

Meeting someone else is also very helpful, but if you are anything like me then you probably don't want to give anyone else the time of day. Not with "him" out there.

What finally helped me was time and the limits of my pride. She confided in me that she was sleeping with a guy at work and he was a jerk. What should she do? That's when I said enough is enough. As soon as I got a little seperation from her mentally, all of her flaws started showing up in full force and I was able to kind of break free from the obsessive trance.

I realize knowing these things probably doesn't help. No advice helped me, because when you are locked in all you can think about is the person. I kept thinking if I continue hanging out with her more, she would see how great I was. I just became someone she used when she needed something and then discarded when she didn't.

I would practice all of the things mentioned, but realize that the passage of time is the only think that will probably break this thought cycle. Or if someone who is actually good for you steps into your life. I hope some of this helped. Feel free to ask any more questions if you have them.

CenterNeptune

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CenterNeptune [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi GirlInSameBoat,

I can completely identify with this. It feels miserable, draining, and completely illogical.

I have only recently started getting over her and it feels like waking up from a bad dream. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but here's what was helpful for me.

First I had to look at the reality of the situation. I realized that I was idealizing and romanticizing what I wanted our relationship to be. In reality, I knew it was a bad fit. She was no where near as perfect in real life as she was in my head. This really didn't matter at first though. I was still obsessed, but when I started to get over it i was glad i had the logical point of view.

Avoidance would have been my next best option. She started working with me and going out in my group, so I couldn't help but see her. I'm not sure if you can avoid this guy, but constantly seeing someone does not let the obsessiveness heal that well.

Meeting someone else is also very helpful, but if you are anything like me then you probably don't want to give anyone else the time of day. Not with "him" out there.

What finally helped me was time and the limits of my pride. She confided in me that she was sleeping with a guy at work and he was a jerk. What should she do? That's when I said enough is enough. As soon as I got a little seperation from her mentally, all of her flaws started showing up in full force and I was able to kind of break free from the obsessive trance.

I realize knowing these things probably doesn't help. No advice helped me, because when you are locked in all you can think about is the person. I kept thinking if I continue hanging out with her more, she would see how great I was. I just became someone she used when she needed something and then discarded when she didn't.

I would practice all of the things mentioned, but realize that the passage of time is the only think that will probably break this thought cycle. Or if someone who is actually good for you steps into your life. I hope some of this helped. Feel free to ask any more questions if you have them.

CenterNeptune

---

Very thoughtful and well articulated post.

Thanks.