unfaithfulness and long distance

I've never written on a forum before but I really don't know who to turn to right now. Here's my story, I hope it's not too long.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for three and a half years now with the last six months being long distance. We've tried long distance before when he went away for school, it was a long three months but we survived. This time around it was my turn to be away. We were very close before I left and we tried to talk on the phone as much as possible. Near the end of it, things got a little distant. When he finally made his way to visit me after five long months, I could tell something was different. I figured it was just the effects of being away from each other for so long. We had a long talk about where our relationship was going and seemed to work most of the kinks out and we become closer than ever during our travels.

Here's the hard part. I found out the password to his emails and curiosity got the best of me and I checked it. I found out that right before he came to visit me, he had kissed another girl and had discussions of a possible relationship together. After spending all that time with me travelling and realized how good we had it, he eventually told this girl that he decided that he no longer had intentions to be with her and only wanted to stay with me for a very long time. I had no idea this had happened and he has not lead me to believe otherwise.

I don't know what to do. I feel hurt that this happened, but even more so because he didn't even have the decency to tell me. He doesn't know that I found out and I can't decide if I should bring it up. Things are going great and I'm afraid this would ruin it, but at that same time, what is relationship that is full of secrets and lies? I feel hurt, and don't know if I can trust him let alone stay with him. I will be away for work this coming year so it's going to be long distance again. We have plans to live together after this year and talk about our future all the time. I don't know what to do, just knowing what he did is eating me up inside. I just don't understand why he won't tell me. Should I just confront him about it?

If anyone has taken the time to read this or if you've been in a similar situation please let me know what you think I should do, any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

LDRs are not a problem. It is quite difficult to maintain so you have to keep it in pristine condition as much as possible. I cannot stress enough that trust is extremely important, if trust hurts a lot when he's just a stone's throw away from you, IT WILL eat you alive when comes to LDRs.

Now for the more difficult part: JUST ONCE... let it go. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. I'm saying this because it he had a realization and its a good one. He did kiss someone else but he realized that you are more worth it. I'm giving him a chance its because even if he did something bad, he also corrected his errors without you interfering his decision to do so. But, the next time you catch him, you need to talk to him about it. And you should move on.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

LDRs are not a problem. It is quite difficult to maintain so you have to keep it in pristine condition as much as possible. I cannot stress enough that trust is extremely important, if trust hurts a lot when he's just a stone's throw away from you, IT WILL eat you alive when comes to LDRs.

Now for the more difficult part: JUST ONCE... let it go. BUT JUST THIS ONCE. I'm saying this because it he had a realization and its a good one. He did kiss someone else but he realized that you are more worth it. I'm giving him a chance its because even if he did something bad, he also corrected his errors without you interfering his decision to do so. But, the next time you catch him, you need to talk to him about it. And you should move on.

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Absolutely NOT! You dont give him a pass on cheating. You give him a pass and he'll do it again. Hell, people who get caught cheating cheat again so why wouldnt he? You were wrong to be snooping like that, but now you know so you need to deal with it. Why live a lie? You know the truth and so does he, he just doesnt know that you know. I know you don't want to ruin things now, but the fact that he cheated on you is going to bother you and effect your trust in him...ultimately dooming the relationship anyways. He was wrong to ignore his transgression against ya'll's relationship and it would be equally detrimental if you ignored it. What if next time he sleeps with a chick, but things are better between you guys than they've ever been? Would you give him a pass then? I know, it's a REAL crappy situation you're in, but it is what it is.

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Originally Posted by IncognitoSir [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Absolutely NOT! You dont give him a pass on cheating. You give him a pass and he'll do it again. Hell, people who get caught cheating cheat again so why wouldnt he? You were wrong to be snooping like that, but now you know so you need to deal with it. Why live a lie? You know the truth and so does he, he just doesnt know that you know. I know you don't want to ruin things now, but the fact that he cheated on you is going to bother you and effect your trust in him...ultimately dooming the relationship anyways. He was wrong to ignore his transgression against ya'll's relationship and it would be equally detrimental if you ignored it. What if next time he sleeps with a chick, but things are better between you guys than they've ever been? Would you give him a pass then? I know, it's a REAL crappy situation you're in, but it is what it is.

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Dude, there is no next time. That is why is gave him a pass just for once. next time, she immediately dumps his ass

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Dude, there is no next time. That is why is gave him a pass just for once. next time, she immediately dumps his ass

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Why dump him the 2nd time? According to you it's "OK" right now. Giving him a pass this time is like saying, "awwww its ok, i understand you cheated on me and almost started a relationship with someone else". Give him a pass now and you'll kick yourself the next you find yourself going thru his email only to discover he's done it again.

People make mistakes. He realized it and corrected it himself. If it's just once I'll consider it a mistake. Do it again, and he's an asshole. But, you're right, it is a big risk especially he never talked about what he did to her.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

People make mistakes. He realized it and corrected it himself. If it's just once I'll consider it a mistake. Do it again, and he's an asshole. But, you're right, it is a big risk especially he never talked about what he did to her.

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How will your logic work? she can not tell him. He will think he got away with cheating and may be more likely to do it again. TELL HIM YOU KNOW BUT make it clear that if he ever does it again it be over, as the trust will be completely shattered.

My logic works in a way that if he doesn't know she knows, she'll know his motives better because he'll think she has no idea about it. Cheating issues should never have a warning. the offending party ends up being more cautious next time he decides to screw up. And that is not good.

Thanks for reading everyone. This is where I'm torn. I've known for a while and decided to let it slide and things seemed to be ok, because I honestly believe that probably wouldn't do it again, but every now and then I think about what he did and it breaks my heart that he did something like that. He loves me more than ever right now but I don't know how long I can live like this, knowing he's keeping a secret every time we talk.

I've tried to bring it up in a subtle way so that he would be the one to tell me but it never works. I think I want to talk to him about it but I feel bad to have been looking through his email, in a way I've invaded his privacy and that's something he would have a problem with. IF I were to confront, how should I bring it up?????

Okay, first of all, you're keeping a secret every time you talk too. He kissed someone else (awful) and you looked through his email. Both bad.

If I were in your situation, I'd keep my trap shut about it. That would be difficult, because I'm terrible at keeping secrets, but in the end, he made the right decision and if you tell him you were snooping (and yes, this was a huge invasion of privacy, no "in a way" about it), he will just change his password and you won't be able to spy any more.

I think you should concern yourself with the real problem, which is that he felt inclined to kiss someone else in the first place. If he got there, he can get there again. Why did this happen? How long is this long distance thing supposed to last?

I was wrong to look through his email and I feel terrible. I've tried to keep my mouth shut about but I've found that it causes me to be frustrated with him whenever we talk. We are currently living in different cities but I will visit him at the end of the month for a week before I head off to Asia for a year. Afterwards my year away I plan to relocate to his city and move in together. Long distance is hard enough, but long distance knowing this secret will destroy me.

Near the end of the five months of long distance, things got kind of rough. We could both sense it, but we never talked about it until we saw each other in person. We weren't communicating as much, we weren't as connected to one another and we were both going through a "quarter life crisis" so to speak. Didn't know where we would be the upcoming year, where we wanted to live, which job to take etc. I've asked him why he think it went so sour and he stated that it was combination about frustrations that were building up in his life...nothing about this other girl. If he had to seek intimacy from someone else, it means that there's something lacking in our own relationship right?

To be honest, it seems really out of character for him to do something like this, but maybe I'm wrong...maybe this is who he really is....

I think I could forgive him, but I just wish he would tell me about it instead of hiding it.

You're right in the fact you won't ever trust him. That said yes, you need to bring it up.

pretty much by checking his e-mail you don't trust him... any relationship without trust is doomed... by checking his email and finding something you didn't like adds to the trust issues... if you can't let it go that he was seeing if you were worth working so hard in this long distance relationship for then move on. If you can understand why he may do something like that then you may let it go, just be careful it will probably happen again.

Even if this relationship survives the kissing incident, it's unrealistic to expect it to survive your year in Asia. This is too much long distance in a shaky relationship. I think you should end it now, and avoid getting seriously involved with anybody until you return from Asia. This just isn't the right time in your life for a serious relationship, because you have other priorities.

Are there such things as "one time offenders?"

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Originally Posted by cymyu [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are there such things as "one time offenders?"

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ya the first time you do it you are a one time offender lol after that it's because you liked it the first time...

Yeah, there are... but you said so yourself you will never be able to trust him again.

yeah, if trust is going to be an issue then its probably not worth it. most of the time people who cheat feel really guilty and for awhile they put a lot of effort into a relationship, but once they realize they got away with it their efforts fade. I dunno..I would give him another chance..just because you found out that he decided he was doing the wrong thing, but if u found out that he starts talking to her again..then I would bring it up.

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Originally Posted by lilxcutie53 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yeah, if trust is going to be an issue then its probably not worth it. most of the time people who cheat feel really guilty and for awhile they put a lot of effort into a relationship, but once they realize they got away with it their efforts fade. I dunno..I would give him another chance..just because you found out that he decided he was doing the wrong thing, but if u found out that he starts talking to her again..then I would bring it up.

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He has been putting in a lot of effort now that I think about it. Him and this girl have been good friends for a really long time. They live in different cities and I met her a few times. By the sounds of his emails they decided their friendship was more important than any of this and wish to remain in contact. I want to give him another chance but I don't want to snoop around his emails anymore. Should I put full trust in this or am I making a huge mistake?

taking a risk can be a mistake or a blessing but no matter what it is a learning experience. so no matter what you choose to do learn from it :)

Asia for a year? I think that's a recipe for disaster. I think you should gracefully end this relationship, leaving the possibility of getting together again someday open.

It sounds to me like he and this "friend" of his have something that needs to be explored. I think this is going to happen whether or not you break up with him, because you are simply not there to meet his needs and he's getting them met by her. I don't think your relationship can take a whole year of you being away, and there she is, just waiting in the wings. I don't buy this whole thing about their friendship being more important. Friends don't kiss each other.

If you were going to be back in his every day life soon, it would be one thing, but you're not.

He was offered a job in Asia with me and we would have been sharing an apartment and spending this next year together but unfortunately they were not able to grant him a working visa so this is why we are back in long distance mode. This friend of his doesn't live in the same city as him. One year IS a really long time and I have my apprehensions, we talked about it and he thinks it can work and wants it to work. However, I think maybe this issue needs to be in the open, so that he knows that it's not something I'm OK with. If he knows that I'll leave if it happens again, maybe it will make him realize he made a huge mistake.....but at the same time, what if he already learned his lesson by making the decision to end things with her......I don't know.....

I believe that he never told you because he DID fix it by himself before it got worse. If he told you, it would be like saying "Hey I broke something very valuable that belongs to you, but its okay now since I glued it back together". Of course, that would result in you freaking over something that is already fixed. Most people can't survive LDRs, they're only for people who don't have trust issues AND for people who hides nothing. You'll have to have a very strong heart and mind just to keep it afloat, never mind the rest of the stuff that comes along with it.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Even if this relationship survives the kissing incident, it's unrealistic to expect it to survive your year in Asia. This is too much long distance in a shaky relationship.

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This^, I agree.

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Originally Posted by cymyu [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are there such things as "one time offenders?"

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No. You are just looking for an excuse to ignore what he's done. Cheating has nothing to do with being in LDR. Its to do with his personality and lack of integrity. Doesn't matter if he's sleeping beside you or 1000 miles away.

My sister has been in this situation! she looked on her boyfriend face book, of course without him knowing! and she found out he kissed another girl but afterwards regretted it and refused to meet up with the girl again. She like you, chose to forgive him and decided not to bring it up. But it really did kill her inside and it did finally come out and she told her b/f. You looking at his emails means nothing compared to what he has done so don't worry about that. You have to tell him, he needs to know how close he may been to losing someone he really loved then you will feel better and you can both move on from it. Look my sister tried the keep quiet act too for ages and it does not work. It isn't fair on you.

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Originally Posted by hello1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

My sister has been in this situation! she looked on her boyfriend face book, of course without him knowing! and she found out he kissed another girl but afterwards regretted it and refused to meet up with the girl again. She like you, chose to forgive him and decided not to bring it up. But it really did kill her inside and it did finally come out and she told her b/f. You looking at his emails means nothing compared to what he has done so don't worry about that. You have to tell him, he needs to know how close he may been to losing someone he really loved then you will feel better and you can both move on from it. Look my sister tried the keep quiet act too for ages and it does not work. It isn't fair on you.

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Thank you for your sister's story. I think you're right, even if I do forgive him I have to bring it out in the open or else it will destroy me inside. I already is. Did your sister and her boyfriend end up staying together?? Did he ever cheat on her again??

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Originally Posted by cymyu [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for your sister's story. I think you're right, even if I do forgive him I have to bring it out in the open or else it will destroy me inside. I already is. Did your sister and her boyfriend end up staying together?? Did he ever cheat on her again??

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Yes they are still together. No I do not believe he has cheated again but my sister made it very clear too him their relationship would be over if he did. She told me that if she felt this bad over a kiss, she wouldn't be able to forgive if he had sex with another woman. Once she told him, she stopped being so torn up inside and could move on from it and he obviously didn't have the secret.

I once snooped, found proof I was being lied to and confronted him immediately, but we weren't long distance at the time. This changes things, IMO.