Old high school "friend" contacted me via Facebook - am I being naive or jaded?

I recently had a man I went to high school with contact me via Facebook. We have several friends on Facebook in common, so I'm sure that's how he got on to my profile in the first place. While I know who he is, we weren't "friends" in high school. We basically just went to the same small, private school. He was one grade ahead of me, so that would make him around 38 or so.

When he contacted me, I added him as kind of a knee jerk reaction. I figured I'd never hear from him or he might comment on something I posted, etc.

Well, I got a message from him either the day he added me or the day after. Since then, he's messaged me or asked me to chat or commented on something I posted nearly every day.

At first, I wasn't sure he realized I was married even though there are TONS of pictures on my page of me & my husband. Still, he makes comments about how "hot" I am and the like. At first I thought he was joking, but now I'm pretty sure he's serious. While I enjoy talking to him as a friend, I'm married and not interested in flirting with him. He's asked me to go out to drinks with him once and I told him I was busy.

Am I being weird and sensitive or is this guy trying to have an affair (or something like that) with me? I hate to be one of those women who thinks every guy is out to bang her, but that's the feeling I get. He is well aware I am married, and wrote something to the effect of, "If hubby is okay with it, do you want to go out dancing with me next time I am in town?"

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

"If hubby is okay with it, do you want to go out dancing with me next time I am in town?"

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This^ is clearly out of line and you should tell him so. He's probing as to the status of your relationship. Since you aren't really friends, I would reply something like: "No, but thanks for the offer. My husband has expressed an interest in taking you his dojo, tho. Did I mention he's an nth-degree in [deadly martial art of your choice]?"

Or something like, you get the idea.

You're obviously basking in the attention, or you wouldn't have let the contact go on this long, or grow to this level of inappropriate. Is there something you're not getting from your husband that keeps you in contact with this joker?

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're obviously basking in the attention, or you wouldn't have let the contact go on this long, or grow to this level of inappropriate. Is there something you're not getting from your husband that keeps you in contact with this joker?

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To be honest, it caught me completely off guard. I figured if he ever did ask again, I'd say, "Great! What club are you interested in going to. Then XXXX and I will meet you there."

When he was making the "hot" comments, I did not have my relationship status on my page, so I figured it was an honest mistake. I took down 90% of my personal information after reading an article about Facebook security. I changed it after he made those comments, and actually wanted to make a comment like, "You do realize I'm married, right?" but didn't want to come off like a bitch who thought she was "all that", if you know what I mean.

I don't like chatting, so I usually disable it, but the time he made the "dancing" comment, I had forgotten to reset it and didn't want to ignore him. He seems like a nice guy now, but something doesn't feel right. I guess in the beginning I sort of found it funny that he was talking to me at all. He was an uber-jerk in high school (or at least the guys who hung around him were that way).

I like talking about music and tattoos and he likes those things, too. That's been what much of our conversations have been about. What tattoos I have. What tattoos he has. What we're planning on getting in the future -- and so forth and so on.

I get a lot of former classmates saying the same things about me. A lot of them were jerks in high school, so it's quite flattering that they're drooling over me now. So, trust me, I understand the feeling of redemption.

I keep my relationship status on my FB page because 1. I am proud of my relationship, 2. I don't like to give off the impression that I'm single when I am not. Especially since my boyfriend can see my profile page. If I want to flirt harmlessly, I'll go out with my girlfriends for the night.

I suggest you put an end to it though since this guy has gotten more intense. We see countless of guys and girls on here looking to rectify situations and breakups that were caused by innocent texting or online messages. Stuff like that gets misconstrued all the time. And don't worried about this guy calling you a bitch. It's his own fault if he decides to act like an ass by going after a married woman. Who cares what this jerk thinks?

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but didn't want to come off like a bitch who thought she was "all that", if you know what I mean.

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Stating facts doesn't make you a bitch. And please never say "all that" again. Your making my teenage self cringe.

Yeah I'd say you are getting attention from him that you aren't getting at home. If you weren't friends with him and he was a jerk in high school then there is no history between you two, so you have no excuse to call him "an old friend".

When my mom joined facebook, she had a few of those people who tried to contact her too and they had turned out to be real losers at life, trying to replicate what they had in high school because to them, that's when they peaked.

Maybe you should stick to talking about music and tattoos with your husband.

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Originally Posted by lovefool87 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Stating facts doesn't make you a bitch. And please never say "all that" again. Your making my teenage self cringe.

Yeah I'd say you are getting attention from him that you aren't getting at home. If you weren't friends with him and he was a jerk in high school then there is no history between you two, so you have no excuse to call him "an old friend".


Maybe you should stick to talking about music and tattoos with your husband.

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Well, at least I didn't add the "and a bag of chips" to the end. :D

Seriously, I appreciate the responses. I want to always look for the good side in people, which is why I was wondering if I was being naive about this whole thing. Since I haven't seen this person in over 20 yrs., it's hard to tell what's really going on. Because it's IM or email, you don't know when they're kidding or when they're serious.

As far as my relationship goes, I AM proud of it. I've been with my husband for over 13 yrs now between dating and being married. I kind of kicked myself for not having my relationship status on my page, but after reading some of those "scare" articles, I almost actually closed my Facebook account completely.

I am definitely going to try to limit my contact with him. He hasn't done anything to make me want to block him or delete him from my friends list, but if he crosses the line again, I'm going to let him know without a doubt that I'm happily married. As far as the "old friend" thing goes, I agree. I was VERY surprised he had added me at all, but I went to a VERY small school that was a K-12, so everyone knew everyone. I deleted a lot of my former classmates because I never message them or have them comment on anything. They were just "there" on my page.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Am I being weird and sensitive or is this guy trying to have an affair (or something like that) with me? I hate to be one of those women who thinks every guy is out to bang her, but that's the feeling I get. He is well aware I am married, and wrote something to the effect of, "If hubby is okay with it, do you want to go out dancing with me next time I am in town?"

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Take it from me.....YES this guy wants an affair.:detective
I think you have already looked at his pictures so I bet there are a lot of pictures of him in nice clothes with a big brite smile and buddies around him. This guy still thinks he gots GAME!

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Originally Posted by lovefool87 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And please never say "all that" again. Your making my teenage self cringe.

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Cringe away. We X-gen people enjoy torturing the young'uns. Heh heh.

Cancan, unfriend this guy. Immediately. Your reluctance to confront his inappropriate comments could be seen as tacit approval. Get rid of him.

either do what Giga said and unfriend him, or if you honestly like the odd chit chat he needs to be put FIRMLY into place to avoid any further flirty and worrying comments from him. explain that you don't feel comfortable when he says those kind of things because you're happily married and don't feel these questions should even be asked. if he carries on, unfriend him straight away, you don't need that kinda talk from him.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Cringe away. We X-gen people enjoy torturing the young'uns. Heh heh.

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At least I didn't use "radical", "grody" or "tubular", right? I'm 37, so yeah...smack dab in the middle of Gen-X.

I don't mind the messages, but I HATE chatting. I am going to have to remember to disable that function every time I go on there. Something about it just bugs me. I don't mind email/messaging or even talking on the phone, but real time chatting is like nails on a chalk board to me.

I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I think that he either just treats women this way or he has some sort of thing for me. Honestly, I think he might have a tattoo fetish. I'm not all inked up like Kat Von D, but I have several larger intricate pieces that I have pictures of on my site because I"m proud of them. They're not in inappropriate places, by the way - calves and bicep (upper), so it's not like I'm showing "tramp stamps" or boobs on my FB.

I guess there's also a possibility that he liked me back in high school, never said anything because I would have been an unpopular choice as I ran with sort of the geek/nerd/brain crowd and he ran with the popular/jock/jerk crowd.

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either do what Giga said and unfriend him, or if you honestly like the odd chit chat he needs to be put FIRMLY into place to avoid any further flirty and worrying comments from him.

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This is what I'm going to have to do. If he crosses the line again, I'm letting him know that I don't appreciate those sort of comments. I guess I've been reluctant to say anything because the comments have been fairly tame and things just come across differently in email. I'd hate to make a big deal over something that I misinterpreted. He's a bad speller and dyslexic (and chats in all caps...ugh so annoying), so it's all sort of short bursts of text, not long drawn out conversations.

also bear in mind that like you said emails can be badly interpreted. like... if he makes a joking comment that could sound wrong if he actually meant it you could get confused between whether it is or not. [if that makes sense]. even if the emails are meant as light-hearted you still need to explain that it makes you uncomfortable. also, have you talked to your husband about all of this?

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if he makes a joking comment that could sound wrong if he actually meant it you could get confused between whether it is or not.

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That's exactly what I meant by my original post. I don't want to make a big deal over some old classmate flirting or being goofy if that's what it is. If he's seriously trying to seduce me or something, that's different, but I'm not sure I've seen any evidence of that. I may have even misunderstood the dancing comment. For all I know, he meant me, my husband and his girlfriend or something. He doesn't have much personal info. on his page, so for all I know, he is seeing someone or even married. I don't think flirting is bad, but it makes me uncomfortable only because I don't know the intent.

My husband normally laughs things off (i.e. guys hitting on me on the street), but I think he'd be ticked if a guy was seriously flirting with me, even in cyberspace.

I have not blocked the classmate, but I made a list of people who can see my posts and this will help I think. He is not on the list, so he will have to message me if he wants to talk. Then I have control over what is said, etc.

Why don't you just admit you like the attention? Stop pretending already. Giga already told you (as did I) to get rid of him. The fact this thread is still going on means you don't really want to.

At 37, you should know what is/isn't appropriate. Is your husband a bit neglectful of you in certain aspects? I assume so, else you wouldn't give a second thought to this old contact.

Indie -

I get what you're saying. I've blocked him from seeing anything I post on Facebook.

I'll admit it's flattering to be called "hot" and "cool" (as in style). I DON"T get that from my husband. We've been together a long time and no, I have not let myself go. He's just comfortable, the way guys (and women) get comfortable. I tell my husband he's good looking, dresses nice, is a great guy, etc. ALL the time. He rarely does this for me. I can get dressed to the nines, and it's no big deal. I also don't have many friends because I spend 99% of my free time with my husband. He's also not into tattoos (he doesn't mind mine, but he doesn't really care one way or another about them, either).

I'm not interested in anyone else but him, though, so you're right. I should just delete the old classmate & get it over. I'm not really friends with anyone I went to school with except a couple of people (who happen to be guys) and they have never made inappropriate comments.

Thanks for the advice and for confirming what I felt. This guy is up to no good.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I recently had a man I went to high school with contact me via Facebook. We have several friends on Facebook in common, so I'm sure that's how he got on to my profile in the first place. While I know who he is, we weren't "friends" in high school. We basically just went to the same small, private school. He was one grade ahead of me, so that would make him around 38 or so.

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Okay, so he pretty much stalked you. FACEBOOK STALKER!

When he contacted me, I added him as kind of a knee jerk reaction. I figured I'd never hear from him or he might comment on something I posted, etc.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I got a message from him either the day he added me or the day after. Since then, he's messaged me or asked me to chat or commented on something I posted nearly every day.

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Aren't you special.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Am I being weird and sensitive or is this guy trying to have an affair (or something like that) with me? I hate to be one of those women who thinks every guy is out to bang her, but that's the feeling I get. He is well aware I am married, and wrote something to the effect of, "If hubby is okay with it, do you want to go out dancing with me next time I am in town?"

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Are you a troll or something or are you just really stupid?

Now, I'm going to get a newspaper and hit you with it. NNNO! NNNNO!!!!

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Okay, so he pretty much stalked you. FACEBOOK STALKER!

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Okay, I probably deserved some of what you said, but how is it stalking to look up an old classmate? I get "suggestions" for old classmates all the time based on my other friends. Some I add, others I don't add. At first it was refreshing that one of my old classmates didn't turn into a staunch conservative and could actually enjoy things like rock music and tattoos. He's not a bad looking guy, so there's "redemption" for me, too.

I agree that it's gotten out of hand. Someone who was truly "stupid" would still be thinking this dude wanted to be "just friends". I'm thinking about closing my Facebook account because this shit is more trouble than it's worth, honestly.

Thanks for the input, though.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Okay, I probably deserved some of what you said, but how is it stalking to look up an old classmate? I get "suggestions" for old classmates all the time based on my other friends. Some I add, others I don't add. At first it was refreshing that one of my old classmates didn't turn into a staunch conservative and could actually enjoy things like rock music and tattoos. He's not a bad looking guy, so there's "redemption" for me, too.

I agree that it's gotten out of hand. Someone who was truly "stupid" would still be thinking this dude wanted to be "just friends". I'm thinking about closing my Facebook account because this shit is more trouble than it's worth, honestly.

Thanks for the input, though.

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You're married and he wants to get together with you and being handsome makes the situation right? WTF?

Edit: Forgot to add, you don't have to change your facebook, just don't talk to him.

No, it doesn't "make it right". I just said that's most likely why I was initially flattered. Who wouldn't be? I bet if my husband got an email from some hot chick from high school, he'd respond as well. There's a reason there's a saying, "Flattery will get you everywhere."

I realize this is tongue in cheek, but it's true. Another poster had mentioned redemption from HS. I was really picked on in high school by most people. I didn't really date anyone until I changed high schools. The people I went to school with at the private school were classist jerks. They didn't "get" me because I was a little different (read "sort of rock and roll" when most people were super preppy).

It's no excuse and it's something I acknowledge. This isn't the first time this has happened with former classmates, but the other times were before I was married. I actually dated one of the guys who made my life hell because after high school, he changed into a better person. I did have to call him out on it, though because him & his crew were WAY out of line.

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Edit: Forgot to add, you don't have to change your facebook, just don't talk to him.

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I've got it set up so he doesn't see when I post, so hopefully he just moves on. I was thinking about introducing him to my bat shit crazy friend and see if he likes her better (most guys do...go figure!!!). Then he'd be out of my hair.

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Indie -

I get what you're saying. I've blocked him from seeing anything I post on Facebook.

I'll admit it's flattering to be called "hot" and "cool" (as in style). I DON"T get that from my husband. We've been together a long time and no, I have not let myself go. He's just comfortable, the way guys (and women) get comfortable. I tell my husband he's good looking, dresses nice, is a great guy, etc. ALL the time. He rarely does this for me. I can get dressed to the nines, and it's no big deal. I also don't have many friends because I spend 99% of my free time with my husband. He's also not into tattoos (he doesn't mind mine, but he doesn't really care one way or another about them, either).

I'm not interested in anyone else but him, though, so you're right. I should just delete the old classmate & get it over. I'm not really friends with anyone I went to school with except a couple of people (who happen to be guys) and they have never made inappropriate comments.

Thanks for the advice and for confirming what I felt. This guy is up to no good.

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Good. Now all you need to do is tell your husband to get on here so we can e-smack him. He shouldn't be neglecting such a sensible, beautiful lady.

FWIW, I've been with mine for 20 years, so I can relate. I'm just a bit older than you. In my case, I let it get to the point where an old family friend started to get just a bit too chummy. Don't go there. Its really not worth the hassle, especially since your only real connection with this guy is you happened to breathe the same airspace for a few years. You can ignore or kick him to the curb (if necessary) with impunity. Use this minor incident as a wake-up call that you need to tell your hubby to start paying more attention to you.

I know just how HE feels. I contacted an old boyfriend and mentioned going for coffee and commented on one picture and got accused of stalking him and wanting to have an affair with him. I emailed him twice and commented on one pic and never mentioned anything about sex and definitely never flirted. If I wanted that I would have said that but I am also happily married. I am a flirt but its harmless and it doesn't bother me when someone else does. I would just tell him that you are happily married and no to the dancing unless you double with him and a date and you and your husband, that is an idea. Flirting is harmless, acting out is something all together.

workingoutgirl1970 - I hear what you are saying, too. I am going to just ignore him. This is way more than a few posts. If he had asked me to join him for a coffee with my husband or him and a girlfriend/wife, that would be one thing, and I NEVER accused him of stalking me either online or in person. I feel like I have to change the way I post on FB because of him, honestly, because if I post anything risque, he is right on it.

I get the feeling that he is lonely, but that is not my concern. You all are right that it is not good. He doesn't live in the same city, but it's close (only 1.5 hrs away), so if he is a weirdo, then who knows?

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Flirting is harmless, acting out is something all together.

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It's only harmless if no one is made to feel uncomfortable by it, including your spouse. I agree your old BF overreacted if you only posted a couple of things. I am FB friends with a couple of exes and they have never said or done anything inappropriate. One of my exes is a sort of sleazy guy and he asked me to coffee and I said no because I thought he was being his sleazy self and didn't want to take the chance. I didn't accuse him of anything, though. I just declined the coffee. I know from experience that he is a cheater (he cheated on me...that's one of the reasons we broke up), so I don't trust him.

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Good. Now all you need to do is tell your husband to get on here so we can e-smack him. He shouldn't be neglecting such a sensible, beautiful lady.

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Thanks...I wish I knew what to do on that front. I try & try, but while he seems to enjoy my company, I frequently feel taken advantage of and taken for granted. I've told him a million times that if I do something he likes or wear clothes he likes/do my makeup how he likes, etc. to SAY something positive about it. I like getting compliments. Would it kill a person to give his wife a compliment from time to time? He does every so often (maybe every couple of months?) and seriously, it makes me wonder if he is attracted to me at all. I still am really attracted to him, but I rarely get the idea that I "turn his crank" if you know what I mean.

I guess I just find this whole situation depressing in a way. I am a naturally friendly person and get along with pretty much everybody, but I find a lot of friendships with men I know start to get sexually charged and inappropriate. I know I'm not some sex goddess or anything. Overall, other than my leanings toward rock fashion, piercings/tattoos and alternative music, I'm pretty average.

Did I ever mention I think FB is a complete waste of time? I used to have an account but cancelled it. This place is my only vice.

Sad, I know. ;)

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Originally Posted by cancankant [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks...I wish I knew what to do on that front. I try & try, but while he seems to enjoy my company, I frequently feel taken advantage of and taken for granted. I've told him a million times that if I do something he likes or wear clothes he likes/do my makeup how he likes, etc. to SAY something positive about it. I like getting compliments. Would it kill a person to give his wife a compliment from time to time? He does every so often (maybe every couple of months?) and seriously, it makes me wonder if he is attracted to me at all. I still am really attracted to him, but I rarely get the idea that I "turn his crank" if you know what I mean.

I guess I just find this whole situation depressing in a way. I am a naturally friendly person and get along with pretty much everybody, but I find a lot of friendships with men I know start to get sexually charged and inappropriate. I know I'm not some sex goddess or anything. Overall, other than my leanings toward rock fashion, piercings/tattoos and alternative music, I'm pretty average.

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IMO, you are much better off unloading about this stuff in a place like this, with other married/LTR folks who will support you than letting some stalker on FB sense your need in this regard. Plus, its anonymous so you can unload w/o it getting back to your husband via FB 'friends'. This isn't a dating site and its pretty well-moderated (I think). Stick around a bit and decide for yourself. Welcome to the forum, BTW.

I agree with you but from my personal experience, it bought 4000 Facebook fans from www socialkik com and they added them to my page in a little over 1 month. All the fans appeared to be real and some of them turned out to be great customers. You should use www socialkik com to buy Facebook fans... we purchased 10,000 Facebook fans and we're quite satisfied with the results. It's completely legal because the fans are real and they don't join your page until they check it and find it interestings. Socialkik com keeps sending suggestions to become a fan until the order is fulfilled.