Should I break up with a guy who finds me fat? :-(

So - my dilemma (sorry if it's a little long!!). I'm a slightly overweight, but I think overall an attractive person. I'm 5'3, about 160 lbs, and buy normal sized clothes and stuff. Like most girls, I have a lot of insecurities about my weight and appearance, but I'd like to think I'm a pretty confident person.

I'm also quite a veteran of meeting people from the internet. I've dated quite a few people I originally met online (of course people offline too!), and haven't had any terribly hurtful experiences.

Recently, I met a guy who I talked to on Skype for six months. It got to the point that we talked for three hours a day, and he was constantly confessing his love. He was really excited about meeting me - and we decided to book a trip together to China for ten days without having ever met. We had exchanged photos and done videochat so I thought it would be okay. But deep down inside I was worried about my weight. I have a pretty active lifestyle and eat like a normal person. The month before we were about to meet, I had a very busy schedule and so was eating very little and working out constantly, but no weight loss. Actually my size hasn't really changed since I hit puberty so maybe I'm doomed to this.

Usually when I meet people from the internet, I'm very confident, but this time I was very worried. He kept bringing up the fact that appearance doesn't matter much to him - but the thing is that he's Japanese (I know, random). Everyone there is incredibly thin, and he's even lighter than me. I'm fine by American standards, but I could never live up to the Japanese girls... As some background, I'd lived in Japan for a year and was moving back after graduating college. He can't speak English and he's never been to America so doesn't have any point of comparison for American girls.

So, we met a week ago and had a fun time. We even ended up having sex. He was nice and all but I sensed some coldness. I talked to him in length about it over the phone yesterday and turns out he lost some interest because of my fatness. But he says he doesn't care about stuff like that, is looking forward to our trip, and is hoping for something more to happen afterwards. He's built up this trip a lot and right now it's the only thing in his life to look forward to. I'm guessing he's having an internal struggle of really wanting to like me, but dealing with a weakening of the feelings he had before.

I don't know how to take it though, I've never dated someone who found me unattractive or ever talked to a guy about stuff like that. I'm not sure whether to be sad, angry, or happy that he wants to work things out despite it? I mean, I'd rather that he not find me fat in the first place...

So basically, help?? How do I regain my self-confidence? Is someone to blame here - me for being fat, or him for being affected by that, or is there nothing I can do? Also I don't know if I can continue having sex with him, knowing that he finds my body ugly... but I know it'll worsen things if we don't. What to dooooo!!

Did he actually say he finds you ugly? I think you're letting your insecurities run wild with this. He did sleep with you, so there had to be some physical attraction there. Fat doesn't necessarily mean unattractive. I have an uncle who has never dated a woman under 250 pounds, he loves them big.

I think the coldness just stems from the fact that you turned out to be different than he had pictured. That's pretty common with online dating. He may still be attracted, just not *as much* (this doesn't mean he thinks you are *ugly*), so it seemed like he was a bit colder than his usual demeanor.

As for whether you can continue on with someone who isn't 100% into you, that's a choice only you can make.

This is tough, because we want our partner to find us sexy and attractive. And when we don't feel this way, well... it doesn't help the relationship, or our confidence. You said you had talked in length with him over the phone about this, but have you tried to tell him how it's making you feels now towards your relationship? I'm talking about this bit here..

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Originally Posted by apaosaka [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know how to take it though, I've never dated someone who found me unattractive or ever talked to a guy about stuff like that. I'm not sure whether to be sad, angry, or happy that he wants to work things out despite it? I mean, I'd rather that he not find me fat in the first place...

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Emotions and confidence play such a large role in whether or not we feel comfortable having sex, or whether we feel sexy enough to want to sashay around in lingerie and high heels. It's really important that the two of you speak as openly and honestly as possible and try to work through this. He sounds open to discussing things, take that opportunity to speak with him now.

At the same time, it's good to remember that there are alot of men out there who would LOVE your body and would love the thought of throwing you around in the bedroom:-)

Did he actually call you fat? If not, don't worry about it.

You are getting on the heavy side for your height and weight, just being honest. You already know this and are clearly self-conscious about it. It gets harder to keep the weight off the older you get so you should consider changing your lifestyle and dropping at least 20 lbs over the next couple years. Hire a personal trainer with nutrition background if you can afford it.

According to a website I've just been on your profile makes you overwight and almost obese. Not sexy.Sorry.

you need to ask him outright how he sees your body. Indi's right, you're on the heavier side of 'overweight' and i'd drop a few pounds to avoid even more problems in the future.

Sexy comes from the inside not what shape you are. If your not happy with your outsides, then work on fixing it, so that the confidence will show through. Insecurities will kill a relationship. I've just been through it, and now that I'm single, I'm working hard to fix the things I know I can. I'm pretty confident, but I want to be healthy and confident.

Just remember, sexy is different for every man (and woman). Some people think women who smoke cigarettes and are darn near anorexic are sexy, personally, not my thing, and I've been with women. Be healthy, be confident, and be yourself :)

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

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If someone calls you fat you promptly tell them to go @%#^! themselves and don't let jerks tell you how YOU are supposed to look and feel.

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Originally Posted by doppelgaenger [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If someone calls you fat you're supposed to try and lose some weight.

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You fat fuçk.

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Originally Posted by boopei [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sexy comes from the inside not what shape you are. If your not happy with your outsides, then work on fixing it, so that the confidence will show through. Insecurities will kill a relationship. I've just been through it, and now that I'm single, I'm working hard to fix the things I know I can. I'm pretty confident, but I want to be healthy and confident.

Just remember, sexy is different for every man (and woman). Some people think women who smoke cigarettes and are darn near anorexic are sexy, personally, not my thing, and I've been with women. Be healthy, be confident, and be yourself :)

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Fully agree! If you happy with your weight, then don't worry. If not, you can always work on getting in better shape.

If he actually called you 'fat' then you should tell him he's a shallow person and never talk to him again! If someone really likes you they won't be bothered by your size.

It is very insensitive for someone to call you fat outright. But being overweight comes with significant health risks. So to all those who say "don't worry about it", I call BS. You are right to worry about it and I hope you do things to change your lifestyle and feel better about your weight. Whoever you are with should support your efforts.

he slept with you and wants to again. i think it's fairly simple; he likes you.

he's getting to know you. you are likely being paranoid because if he had a problem with your weight he wouldn't have wanted to see you again ad he would never have slept with you in the first place.

if you are overweight you should consider your health. your health is your wealth as the saying goes. start making changes...even if it's with your diet first if you can't bear exercise, eventually when eating proper vegetables and the right vitamins and minerals feed you you will automatically loose weight and feel less hungry because you are feeding your body properly.

the more bad nutritionally deficient food you eat the more you crave it because the body is crying out for the vitamins and minerals to survive. stop the addiction to bad food now and you will feel a lot better

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Originally Posted by EnjoyingLife [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If he actually called you 'fat' then you should tell him he's a shallow person and never talk to him again! If someone really likes you they won't be bothered by your size.

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Fat is not sexy. No way.

Wow, so many replies!

First to all the people saying I'm fat, should lose weight, etc - I understand these things, I live in a society where everyone has to compete to be skinny and beautiful. Trust me, I've tried to lose weight, and I'd like to think my lifestyle choices are healthy. I eat a Japanese diet of rice, vegetables, and fish (and Japanese portion sizes), I work out about an hour a day, and I can run a good three miles without pausing. So anything that'd make me lose weight would require a painful change of life (starvation or hours at the gym a day) and I have other things in life I'd rather focus on. Also, if losing weight is really the answer to my question about my relationship with this guy, are you guys saying I'm supposed change my life that much for one person? Seems a little drastic... Thanks for being concerned about my health though.

To those who asked about specifics of our conversation...
So he didn't specifically call me "fat" or "ugly", but it could be implied. He basically agreed with my conjecture that his getting colder was related to my body. He said I'm totally within his passable zone and that my face is cute, but still... :-/
His last female encounter was with a friend with benefits he had for a couple of years, who he didn't elevate to "girlfriend status" because she was ugly and fat (according to him). She eventually got a boyfriend, stopped having sex with him, and then he realized that he actually really loved her but could now never be with her. So he has some strange complicated interaction with his feelings for people and their appearance. He's had many friends with benefit in the past, so him having sex with me doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I knew this going into it. He has no choice but to meet me again because our whole trip is planned out and uncancellable. He's also someone who cares very much about his own appearance, would be considered "metro" by American standards.

I did tell him it'll be hard for me to have sex with someone who finds me unattractive, and that I've had many boyfriends who find me attractive so there's no reason to be with someone who doesn't. He said not to worry about it, that he didn't care that much. Though at the same time, his attitude definitely changed - he stopped calling me pet names, didn't seem as interested in what was going on in my life, etc. I can understand his situation - if you really like someone's personality, but aren't attracted to them, how are you supposed to solve it. It's complicated because at the same time, other things were going on with him that made him more down than I've ever seen, so it's hard to tease apart what's related to us.

One of my problems is that I'm all-or-nothing, I can choose to really get attached to someone, or to just not care and use them for the sex. I guess I'm wondering if I should close my heart off to someone like this, or give it a try with the possibility of my self-confidence getting really damaged.

If you're depending on your boyfriends to make you feel good about yourself, I think this one is a bad bet. You keep saying you're confident about your attractiveness, but then you keep reiterating a fear that your self-confidence could be shattered if he thinks you're fat.

By general definition, yes, you are fat. Either find a guy who doesn't care or become a girl who (truly) doesn't care, or change this. If your lifestyle choices were really all that healthy, you wouldn't be this overweight.

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Originally Posted by apaosaka [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Trust me, I've tried to lose weight, and I'd like to think my lifestyle choices are healthy. I eat a Japanese diet of rice, vegetables, and fish (and Japanese portion sizes), I work out about an hour a day, and I can run a good three miles without pausing. So anything that'd make me lose weight would require a painful change of life (starvation or hours at the gym a day) and I have other things in life I'd rather focus on. Also, if losing weight is really the answer to my question about my relationship with this guy, are you guys saying I'm supposed change my life that much for one person? Seems a little drastic... Thanks for being concerned about my health though.

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If that's your lifestyle and you've always been around this weight then I wouldn't worry about it. I have friends like you; one runs marathons regularly. Its just where her body seems to like to sit. Maybe your a bit hypothyroid or something. Just be careful as you get older that it doesn't get worse. Personally, I'm not suggesting you change anything about your self for anyone else. If you want to lose weight it has to be for your own reasons.

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His last female encounter was with a friend with benefits he had for a couple of years, who he didn't elevate to "girlfriend status" because she was ugly and fat (according to him).

I guess I'm wondering if I should close my heart off to someone like this, or give it a try with the possibility of my self-confidence getting really damaged.

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I don't see why you would (give him a try), you already know this guy's opinion on the subject. Seems to me you are just setting yourself up to be hurt. The fact he would even tell you the above comment about someone else is a huge red flag to me about his personality.

It might also be that he really likes who you are, and that mattered to him first rather than how you look.
I think his mindset is more on: Physical is easier to change than who you really are.

I don't understand, if everyday people say something to criticize, why is it that the first reaction is "don't tell me what to do. I'm perfect!" but when a celebrity makes you feel like crap on tv, you'd cry and readily accept your problems like they're some kind of god or something. That is the most stupid thing I've ever seen. If people say you're fat, then you're fat, Stop saying 'yes' and feel sorry for yourself. You're better of exercising than finding people to comfort you and feed your problem. People keep telling you "don't listen to them, you look fine" you know what they're saying in reality? It's "Don't listen to them, your fat and I'm not. And that is your problem, not mine." or "Don't listen to them, you're fat, and so Am I, and it would be unfair to me if you decide to become healthier and more desirable" Think about it.

If you really like him, I suggest you make an little effort. Getting in better shape actually wouldn't kill you, isn't that amazing?

Well hey, at least he's honest

IndiReloaded - I'd like to thing I'm like that (but I'm sure every fat person does hehe), since I've always been a "big kid" since elementary school and been the same size since puberty, while my sister who grew up in the same environment has always been 100 lbs.

I see what you're saying, nerdy_guy, but there's also a tendency for people wanting to compare themselves and feel superior to everyday people, to show "hey I'm not fat so it should be easy for you to become like me" or "I lost weight in so-and-so way, and the fact that you can't shows a lack of willpower", etc etc. Weight is especially a big deal on the internets, with sites like "people of walmart", etc. And hey I laugh at them too and think those people need to get a life, etc. But I don't see how that way of thinking is anything to be proud of.

How would you respond if instead it were a theoretical question where it's not weight but something like I have horrible teeth, all the photos he saw of me were with my mouth closed, and it'd take me years to fix them with braces and I don't have the money for it. I doubt people would be like "go get oral surgery immediately" or preach "in the long run it's important to have good-shaped teeth". With my question, I really wasn't looking for answers like "oh you're not fat honey, don't listen to him" or "you're fat, change" but stuff more relationship-related.

Practically (maybe I should have mentioned these details before, but would have gotten long), he lives very far away from me, and after this trip we're going to have to be separated for at least a month. So really the time limit for us to decide things is in two weeks, definitely not enough time for me to drastically lose weight. The only way we can be together is if he moves to where I live after that month of separation, and this is only possible if we get really close in the next two weeks. This sounds drastic, but he's in a situation right now where he's likely to move to a city regardless (he's from the uber countryside) and it'd help him out to have a place to crash for a couple months (aka my place). So basically I was wondering if I'm fighting a losing game (if this situation means he can never grow to love me), or if I should be hopeful and go for it despite apprehensions. A long distance relationship is not an option for me right now.

Though honestly, we're doomed anyways. While I lack the essential female quality of hot body-ness, he lacks the essential male quality of societal status. Our education level, savings, and future goals are extremely different. Things only work because our personalities really mesh. :-( I guess I just wanted to test out if "love conquers all" or if realism is really the best way to go. There are some people waiting around for me who have the other things but not the sparkly, awesome personality.

He's coming over here tomorrow and we're together for two weeks so I guess I just have to run with it and see what happens!

I'm not saying that you need to have a hot body. If you have a problem which causes you to gain weight, then its quite easy to understand. I myself Am quite big. And I'm physically cumbersome because of it, I snore, I get tired easily, I have practically experienced all the basic problems of being overweight. But when my wife bore me a child, I decided I wanted to live longer for my family and decided to change for the better. No, I don't believe in "I did this and that, ate this and that" there's no miracle cure for it. Willpower? I hate going to the gym even now, but I do anyway. If I just wanted to look good, heck I would've just opted for surgery. My wife is fat, and you know what? I even encouraged her to eat more, you know why? Its because she's breastfeeding my kid. It's about functionality, Why would you, deliberately create a mental anguish (and eventually physical and emotional) for yourself, when there is a better option?

What I'm talking about hear is just not a cosmetic upgrade. crooked teeth? why? can't you eat with a crooked teeth? If your boyfriend said that, I'd slap him upside his head too. but if he said to have your teeth fixed because its beginning to go bad, that would be a different story. If it needs changing, then change it, if it doesn't bother you to be fat, then stop whining about it. (When I say bother, its not about yourself, Its when you hear other people "bother" you). If you've always been a "big kid" because of bone size, then there's really nothing you can do about it. He can't tell you to shave your bones to make you look slim.

You came here to look for relationship answers, and you presented a problem which involves physical problems. What did you expect? "It's okay honey, love conquers all?" We don't give template answers here, we see the problem as it is, and go from there. What you're looking for is not a relationship answer, but positive reinforcement that your physical problem should not matter when it comes to love. Heck if a guy comes to you, and tells you "Excuse me, My girlfriend left me because I have a 2cm penis" what would you have told him? That it doesn't matter? To go find someone else who's willing to see past that? If it were that easy, you would've just told him to f**k off and moved on to someone who'll readily accept you.

Bottom line is, if you can change for the better, for a good reason, then why not?

He lives in a society where people are thin, he probably knows no different so I suppose to him it may be a little embarrassing for him. He obviously isn't completely put off by it if he wants to sleep with you again though. You have to decide whether to accept the criticism or move onto someone who likes curves. I think sometimes though when your conscious of something and someone points it out, you can take more offence than if you weren't conscious of it (if that makes sense!).