Ex girlfriend back in touch after 4 months to say she has new man but has doubts?

I met up with my 'first' love after 10 years apart and we connected immediately, it was great but we were working a long way apart, had some personal stuff causing distractions and we agreed to leave things a while. Even now we can't agree who finished with whom!

4 months later she emails me with a 'hi, catch up in couple weeks'. 2 weeks later an email to say she met someone else a month after we split. She asked to met for a coffee a week later and it was like we hadn't split. She said she met someone, who she thought was the man she would marry, has moved in with him, but had her doubts its the right thing, says he is angry a lot about former divorce and drinks (but treats her well). She said she did not want to split with me, but feels she owes it to see where this new relationship leads, but knew she had to contact me and have me in her life still as I'm her soul mate. She spoke of last year being wrong for us and likes to think things go in full circle. We text back and forth, light hearted stuff nothing heavy and meeting up again this month.

Part of me is gutted that she moved on so quickly, did she really think that little of me? I do miss her and would like to get back with her, but she has someone else now and i feel guilty about contacting her and it is heartbreaking. I told her and she sent text saying "I understand xx I really do xx" ..

Should I wait?? Is this a rebound thing?? Should I reply to her texts?? What does she want?? Is it just friendship??

Title sums it all up I say not your problem, hers.

She says she doesnt want to loose me from her life EVER and for me to let her make me smile, laugh and feel good but as friends. She wants to meet for coffee. I said i wanted more than friendship but if starting as friends and we have regular contact to try and rekindle what we had before, then meeting up is ok. She replied that for now thats good enough, she dosent knwo what the future holds but positve thinking is good. Ive stopped texting and guess will see how next week goes?

You're nothing more than a backup. She's sweet talking you so that she can use you whenever she wants.

wooooot? tell her to fuk off! go on about ur life now shes over and done!

lol...not sure i wanna say fuk off to her, still have feelins for her! But i am thinkin your right

Well, maybe the reason that she got together with this new guy a month after you guys broke up is because she felt lonely and needed someone to comfort her. You won't really know if she felt lighthearted about you unless you ask her yourself. No offense, but she needs to know that she can't have you both. It's either you or the other guy. If she doesn't choose, you, him, or both of you and that guy will get hurt. And I'm sure you don't want to be hurt the first time.
Ask yourself this, are you seriously willing to wait for her doubts to be confirmed and for her to break up with the guy? That could take weeks, months, maybe even a year. Are you willing to wait that long for only a 50-50 chance that she would come back to you?
No, it's not a rebound thing. Rebound means that she is using you to get over the guy she was previously with. From the sound of it, it seems more like an affair, but not quite, since you're just talking about your past, your present, and maybe the future.
I don't see why you shouldn't reply to her texts, though. It's not like it there's anything bad, right?
Lastly, at the moment, with certain aspects of the way she treats you, it looks like a friendship. If you two really are that close, it's natural that she would also express her regrets. She believes that you are both mature enough to be able to talk about this like adults.

Hope that helps. Good luck!

You just really need to evaluate how texting her affects you. If the what ifs are constantly on your mind, then you shouldnt respond to her attempts at communication and it has to stop. Shes with someone else and she has promised you nothing. Be weary and guard your heart.

Have you been clear with her that you have more than 'just friends' feelings for her? I get the sense you two are talking at cross-purposes. If she's really your friend you should be able to be open about this.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Have you been clear with her that you have more than 'just friends' feelings for her? I get the sense you two are talking at cross-purposes. If she's really your friend you should be able to be open about this.

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We have been very open. Yeah i have and she said why cant i let her make me feel those feelings (smile, laugh, happy etc) but a s a friend. She said we parted, we didn't contact each other for a couple months so she started dating what else was she to think. She didint want me not in her life then and still dosent now.

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Originally Posted by SAULE [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ask yourself this, are you seriously willing to wait for her doubts to be confirmed and for her to break up with the guy? That could take weeks, months, maybe even a year. Are you willing to wait that long for only a 50-50 chance that she would come back to you?
From the sound of it, it seems more like an affair, but not quite, since you're just talking about your past, your present, and maybe the future. I don't see why you shouldn't reply to her texts, though. It's not like it there's anything bad, right?
Lastly, at the moment, with certain aspects of the way she treats you, it looks like a friendship. If you two really are that close, it's natural that she would also express her regrets. She believes that you are both mature enough to be able to talk about this like adults.

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Would i wait? I really enjoy being in her company and we get on really well but I know i would be a fool to sit around with false hopes. No I wouldn't say its an affair, neither of us would feel comfortable about gong beyond texts/meeting for coffee/lunch (maybe some would say that is?) whiilst she is dating someone else. And yes we can talk openly with each other about anything and we both know last year was difficult for us with us both having lots of distractions (career changes, long distance apart at times). We are meeting 4 coffee next week, so i plan to keep it lgihthearted with no expectations!

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Originally Posted by ch1066 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We have been very open. Yeah i have and she said why cant i let her make me feel those feelings (smile, laugh, happy etc) but a s a friend. She said we parted, we didn't contact each other for a couple months so she started dating what else was she to think. She didint want me not in her life then and still dosent now.

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If this is what she told you then you are definitely in the Friend Zone. If you harbour feelings for this gal you are best to limit contact. Otherwise you are just going to gut yourself. Each to their own hell, tho.

The best way to know the truth is if you tell her that you've also met someone. Either she will back off or confess undying love. Either way, she's another man's woman. That Sh*t is tainted. Back away slowly and then run like the wind!

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Originally Posted by lovefool87 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The best way to know the truth is if you tell her that you've also met someone. Either she will back off or confess undying love. Either way, she's another man's woman. That Sh*t is tainted. Back away slowly and then run like the wind!

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I told her Ive met someone, but she still says why cant we be friends. Im beginning to think its cos shes got doubts with moving in with new bf so soon. We are meeting for coffee next week and I know I have to say i cant do this friends thing and ive stopped texting he.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If this is what she told you then you are definitely in the Friend Zone. If you harbour feelings for this gal you are best to limit contact. Otherwise you are just going to gut yourself. Each to their own hell, tho.

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Thanks. I've stopped texting and we have arranged to meet next week for a coffee where i will tell her it cant work as id rather do it face-to-face.

Sounds like she is keeping you around as the 'back up' and incase all falls through with this guy.

It could also be, that she is wanting you to try and change her mind for her and to fight for her. Sounds daft I know. But sometimes females like to know how much a man cares for her and if you spill your guts and tell her that you really want to be with her, you never lost your feelings, etc, etc.....you are letting her know you care and it may be enough and for her to ditch this guy and once she is secure in the knowledge that you really want her...

I could be wrong of course.

Just reading this post... it has sooo many similarities with my own situation. My ex just got back in touch... less than two weeks after she confirmed her feelings for someone else and cancelled a meeting we had arranged a few days prior to meet and see where things took us! Less than two weeks on from her ignoring my calls.... she is back and now she is all sweet and nice again.

I think the trick with these situations is to be nice but firm at all times and always do what is best for you, no contact is good for you... move on for real and make yourself unavailable - people only miss something when it is gone and by staying in your ex's life as a friend she is having it all her own way! Cut all contact and don't go out saying it's because you have feelings... do it by text - say you have met someone new and that they do not approve of you being friends - the threat of losing you will make her think! Make her miss you!

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Originally Posted by xxazurexx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sounds like she is keeping you around as the 'back up' and incase all falls through with this guy.

It could also be, that she is wanting you to try and change her mind for her and to fight for her. Sounds daft I know. But sometimes females like to know how much a man cares for her and if you spill your guts and tell her that you really want to be with her, you never lost your feelings, etc, etc.....you are letting her know you care and it may be enough and for her to ditch this guy and once she is secure in the knowledge that you really want her...

I could be wrong of course.

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Thanks, I have been getting mixed signals in her texts (as in she seems up and down in her moods). She does like to to feel valued and wanted. So maybe?

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Originally Posted by Gavin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think the trick with these situations is to be nice but firm at all times and always do what is best for you, no contact is good for you... move on for real and make yourself unavailable - people only miss something when it is gone and by staying in your ex's life as a friend she is having it all her own way! the threat of losing you will make her think! Make her miss you!

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Thanks Gavin, I've moved on from the stage of 'excited hopes' (I think!) and have found NC from me is good, lets me clear my head and try put stuff in perspective. I havent texted for 3 days and she texted me 2nite saying 'all ok..will txt u tmrw xx'. I didnt reply (was tempted!) and will see if she does 2m.

The problem is by her keeping in contact and in touch she is stopping you from moving on 100% yourself - prolonging it! Just keep ignoring her until she gets the message.... I really am now thinking about my own situation again - it's the weekend and it kills!

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Originally Posted by Gavin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The problem is by her keeping in contact and in touch she is stopping you from moving on 100% yourself - prolonging it! Just keep ignoring her until she gets the message.... I really am now thinking about my own situation again - it's the weekend and it kills!

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I agree Gavin and since ive started to change my mindset and think differently I am feeling more in control of myself. Evryone can find time to text if they really want to! She maybe in a relationship and he may be around, but there are always times when she could send a text..if she wanted to and i was on her mind...so i agree with some earlier posts - the backup guy. I am financially more secure than her current partner who she's told me is being hammered for money by his ex wife and when we were together I did spoil hr all the time, designer clothes, holdiays. I think she's missing that bit of what 'she had'. With NC I am starting to things clearer now and not being blinded by my emotions!!

Keep yourself busy, meet up with other friends to keep you mind distracted!!

Again similar to my own situation... my ex is wanting me there as the backup guy! I am out of that position now after our conversation the other day (see my recent post) I think xxazzurexx pointed out you were the backup guy (same as me) and again I am the financially better option and my ex is now missing that.

It can be nice to hear of similar situations and people going through the same thing... our ex's might realise soon that they made a mistake!

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Originally Posted by Gavin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It can be nice to hear of similar situations and people going through the same thing... our ex's might realise soon that they made a mistake!

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Yes it is! Its actually better her not texting me because it just reinforces my thoughts and keeps me in control...and when they realise it, it will probably be too late. They may learn something from it!

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Originally Posted by ch1066 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yes it is! Its actually better her not texting me because it just reinforces my thoughts and keeps me in control...and when they realise it, it will probably be too late. They may learn something from it!

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Spot on! You don't know what you have until its gone.

My first love and me split... I cut her out my life... the next spring I received love letters which I ignored (had moved on) and 10 years on she still talks to my friends here and there and asks about me all the time - I haven't seen her once and love hearing about it!

[QUOTE=xxazurexx;622162]It could also be, that she is wanting you to try and change her mind for her and to fight for her. Sounds daft I know. But sometimes females like to know how much a man cares for her and if you spill your guts and tell her that you really want to be with her, you never lost your feelings, etc, etc.....you are letting her know you care and it may be enough and for her to ditch this guy and once she is secure in the knowledge that you really want her...QUOTE]

She still wants to meet for coffee as 'friends', I asked her if her bf knows we met last month, that we have been texting, planning to meet this week and that I helped her out with some money recently...she said 'no'. So looks like she is just playing both fields. She says she has very deep feelings for him and has to see where it leads with him, but can have doubts at the same time?

I'm in a better place now where it amuses me more than it confuses me.

we met and got on really well, same story that she always wants me in her life and we have been texting daily, general chit-chat...but i knowi am her safety net, told her today she has to let me go so i can move on with my life and her with hers...no reply yet