How to handle this...

So, my boyfriend has recently been offered the opportunity to move to NYC. It was originally decided that because San Diego has yielded little for me in terms of jobs or further schooling (this state is a mess), I was going to return to the East coast to be closer to him and to my family.

As I was deciding how to tell my employers of my plans to leave next month, they dropped a huge bomb on me: a promotion to manager. They're very proud of all the hard work I've put into the café and think I'm ready for the responsibility. Knowing that this opportunity is very important to my personal and professional growth, I accepted without a moment's hesitation.

I knew that it would mean more difficult decisions ahead, but that I needed to do some heavy thinking. My boyfriend called me last night after I returned home, and wanted to start discussing our date to leave San Diego. Not wanting to lie or withhold information, I told him of my promotion. Our initial conversation was good. He was disappointed in the sudden change of plans, but very happy for and proud of me. He knows I've worked very hard these last several months. We ended the conversation on a happy note.

Today, he called me again and was much more depressed about my decision to stay in SD. He said that he loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, but that he doesn't know how we'd manage the distance. I said nothing has to be decided right at this moment (as I was on the way to dinner with a friend) and that we'd sit and talk in the next couple of days. I told him to let me know when he was free and I'd be right over.

I don't want to dramatize the situation at all. I'm doing my best to come from a logical standpoint, but I can feel my emotions bubbling just below the surface. Some might say that I should follow my heart and just go with him, but I have an unsuccessful history of doing this. The very reason I am in San Diego is due to a now failed relationship (for those of you who might remember the reason I joined last year). I left my family, close friends, and a job with high potential for growth and moved to San Diego with my now ex only to have our relationship crumble 6 months later.

I love my boyfriend more than I can express, but it simply makes far more sense for me to stay in San Diego. We are not engaged or currently living together, and had no plans to do so any time soon as we are both not ready for that step. I want us to stay together because he is so wonderful to me, and I want him in my life. I would never dream of asking him to stay in San Diego as I know he's wanted out of here for so long. If he were to stay, I want it to be his decision.

Right now I'm giving him some space to think things over. I'm happy he feels so devoted to our relationship and so strongly for me, but I hate that it's causing him pain now. I don't want him to write off a long-distance relationship as impossible, or unrealistic because it's not. Me being the older, more experienced individual, I'm attempting to take point and keep a positive spin on this situation. I feel that that is the key to getting positive results with this very difficult situation.

What do you guys think? SD to NYC will be no picnic, but I love him and he's worth it, and so am I. I hope this attitude will help solidify that fact.

As much as people wish for love to prevail, especially in the current state of your relationship where things seem to be going perfectly, the future is and will always be uncertain. You just got a promotion that would at least put you in a financially secure position. Which is not guaranteed if you decide to go with him to NY.

The economy as you know atm is terrible, and is predicted to possible get worse. What would you do if you go with him to NY and you cant find a job? can he/ will he support you, and for how long? Not to be a pessimist but what happens if it crumbles, and you dont have a job, will he support you still? Until you at least find a job or will you end up like doupleganger...

Their are too many uncertainties, this doesnt look like it will end well. You'll need something short of a miracle. How would you feel if he decides to stay, this job could be very important to him.


Btw. I dont know much about you, but if you're the type of girl that can get a job anywhere ( i know a few girls with great personalities and can find a job almost instantaneously), then i say go with him.

Well, I wouldn't have been moving to NYC with him; I was going to head home to Boston where my family is and where I could be much closer to him. What I realized though was that regardless of my position in San Diego, going home would put me back at ground zero. I'd have to spent the first several months saving money for a place to live and to pay my bills. I'd have no free time or money to visit him, so being closer wouldn't mean much in that regard.

Also, he does not have a job lined up in NYC, but has been offered a place to stay with his friend. This is a very lucky break for him as it will give him time to find a job, save money, and learn to live independently. If I were to move to NYC, I would have to be prepared to support myself, and I am not there at this time.

I have a pretty great personality, and I interview really well. I was laid off last year due to school district budget cuts, and was stuck looking for work for months. I don't ever want to be back in that position, and have spent a very long time building from the ground up this past year. I started working as a waitress (my current job) at the end of January, and since then have learned a lot more about how to manage. The owner that hired me saw the potential I know I have, and has in turn invested a lot of time in grooming me for this position. It would be a waste for me to leave at such a pivotal moment.

Perhaps 6 months down the road (when I've got some serious management experience under my belt, and my boyfriend is settled in NYC) I can think about taking a job back East. But right now, this makes the most sense.

Thanks for your thoughtful response :)

I've got no question about your commitment to him. He should understand that you've been given a big break here, be supportive of that and should not in anyway try to shake your current position. He still has no job, and is risking a lot just by moving. That should teach him more about life as well. At this point, you should also expect that he might get a lot of stress if he can't find work especially since he's out of his comfort zone. As a girl, that would equal to your monthly period so if he does lash out at you, just hold on for dear life. Otherwise, that would further strain the relationship if you shoot back. Both of you would need a lot of patience. Good luck to the both of ya.

I do understand your concern my dear however as you said he is not moving to NYC for the job but for better opportunity. For now I would suggest that you be left behind a little while and then whe he has find a job and having his own space maybe you can find something there. Right now if you can follow him I thing it could harm your relationship cause both of you, you will be unemployed.

Talk to him and make him understand. If he loves you as you said he is I am sure he will understand. I am very happy with the way you are thinking, that it means you are realy matured. Good luck and enjoy your promotion gal you deserve it.

He understands very clearly why I want to stay, and he's encouraging me to pursue this position, but I know deep down he hates it. He was very much looking forward to me being close to him, and referred to it as a "dream come true" that I wanted to move to be with him. I know that my maturity and confidence in myself and him helps to anchor him when he's feeling lost. His kindness and self-awareness are what remind me that there is so much good in this world.

Yes, he will be under a lot of stress, especially if NYPD decides to put him through their academy. He wants to be in some type of law enforcement and is right now working on getting his foot in the door. SDPD is a no-go and is doing through periodic hiring freezes at this time. I'm prepared to handle that he might lash out, especially right now. He's not happy that my initial decision can't include him, but I have to remind him that his initial decision to move to NYC did not include me either. I was simply prepared to accommodate our relationship in the best way I could, but now I have an important reason to stay in San Diego. Originally, he said that if I had asked him to stay, that he would've, but I would never dream of doing such a thing. I know that this move will be very important for his growth as a person. It would not be right for me to impede that with my own selfish desire.

I figure he's gonna need some time to cool down and to think rationally, so I'm letting him be. I was much more emotional last night, and today I've had a chance to really think about each potential decision. I'm hoping for the best.

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Originally Posted by Nomie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do understand your concern my dear however as you said he is not moving to NYC for the job but for better opportunity. For now I would suggest that you be left behind a little while and then whe he has find a job and having his own space maybe you can find something there. Right now if you can follow him I thing it could harm your relationship cause both of you, you will be unemployed.

Talk to him and make him understand. If he loves you as you said he is I am sure he will understand. I am very happy with the way you are thinking, that it means you are realy matured. Good luck and enjoy your promotion gal you deserve it.

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Thank you very much. And you are from Saudi? I was born in Jeddah :)

Lana you strike me as a person who needs to enjoy what she does for a living and after a difficult time you pulled yourself through and gained a great job opportunity...I think you deserve to be happy career wise and if your confidence stems also from your achievements at work then I think this managing position should prevail...

Why?

Because this is your first managing position...at such young age...you will learn how to manage a team and be responsible..;you will be a leader for the first time and not only this is gonna serve your career as a whole whetever happens later on but it will help you grown as an individual...

I would at least try...with the possibility that you might not enjoy it at all...and decide to pack up and join your bfriend...but if you thrive in it..;a couple years in this position would put you in a great position for future positions wherever you decided to go...let's even imagine than 2 years down the live you decide to have a baby (just an example...not to worry)...well a gap in your CV won't have the same implications for future prospects if you had this experience on your CV...

If you have been once a successful manager with excellent references from your boss then you will always find a great job with responsibilties...

The job market in the NE SUCKS.

New york city is also a big union city, similar to my own (Philadelphia).

I would be impressed if he found anything besides a temp job.

If you aren't engaged, I would say that your future should come first. If that is your dream then go for it. If he loves you, he will understand that you need to do what's best for YOU.

I hate to say it (and you aren't going to like hearing it), but it looks to me as though the end of your relationship is near. People can be a great match, but still suffer from bad timing. This looks to be the case with you. I don't think long-distance relationships are appropriate or reasonable at your age. You should just just bite the bullet and break it off if he moves to NY.

Off topic: I don't know how you can say there are no opportunities for school in San Diego. You have one of the best universities in the country there (UCSD), as well as a state school (San Diego State), and the community college system in California is the best in the country. (Yes, better than Massachusetts, and more affordable.) Aren't you getting the California resident tuition cost yet?

Anyway, I think it is best to focus on work and school, and worry about boyfriends last.

have to agree with vashti here, you can talk that love shit all you want, but love doesnt pay the bills - i actually know a girl at my work who did a similair thing that you did, moved for a boyfriend, six months later, they broke up and she moved back - wasted six months in my opinion, i am of the opinion that unless there is a formal commitment (marriage etc) - no human is worth sacrificing money for, you have a good opportunity and rightfully took it, you have to look after yourself, money/career comes first...always, you have already been down this road before, think with your head this time.

It's quite possible that he'll crash and burn in NYC and come back to SD within a couple of months anyway, you know. How pissed would you be if you moved all the way back to Boston and he went home by winter?

I am most certainly gonna keep my promotion. I have to see this through. Sookie, you are very right about me, my happiness is very attached to how I perform at work and it's time I started trying to challenge myself in new ways.

I was really hoping that an LDR could be feasible. I'm not writing it off yet, but I hear what you're saying. It's gonna be incredibly complicated and could possibly prove to be more of a hindrance than beneficial.

It makes me sick to think of letting him go.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's quite possible that he'll crash and burn in NYC and come back to SD within a couple of months anyway, you know. How pissed would you be if you moved all the way back to Boston and he went home by winter?

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My thoughts are along the same lines ...

Congrats on the promotion !

Hang in there on the relationship. If you are fated to be together, who knows ? Things could somehow turn in your favour ... :)

Well you're making the right decision of keeping your job. Even working as a manager for a short time will make you a lot more appealing to employers. Also, your bf isn't settled yet. It would be better and less stressful, i believe, if you just move their later, when he has a proper job and you're more confident in finding a better job. Good luck and I hope you guys manage this situation.

you were born in jeddah? im in riyadh for a few months. when did you leave saudi?

I left when I was very little. My parents used to work for Raytheon, and lived overseas for a few years. I think it is where my passion for travel comes from. In my childhood house, I grew up surrounded by all of these beautiful pieces of African and Saudi art, books on Red Sea life, and tons of slides of their time spent abroad in Saudi and Africa. :)

IIRC, it hasn't been that many months since the last time you two were long-distance. Until his life stabilizes somewhere, following him around is going to be too disruptive to your own career.

I got a lot of responses from my favorite peoples. Thank you guys. I'd love input from others too. Keep it coming :)

yay i'm a favourite :) =P

I think if it was meant to be, you guys would somehow find a way to be together and have your dream jobs too since work is important to you. It wouldn't be the first time a relationship hasn't worked out due to work issues.

well i think all you can do now is take it a step at a time. accept the job while he moves and just work it out from there. i'm sure it won't be so hard if you really love each other.

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I left when I was very little. My parents used to work for Raytheon, and lived overseas for a few years. I think it is where my passion for travel comes from. In my childhood house, I grew up surrounded by all of these beautiful pieces of African and Saudi art, books on Red Sea life, and tons of slides of their time spent abroad in Saudi and Africa. :)

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awww! I used to work for Raytheon! Still have my badge somewhere :)

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Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well i think all you can do now is take it a step at a time. accept the job while he moves and just work it out from there. i'm sure it won't be so hard if you really love each other.

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I agree with you all on this front.

Mostly the issue comes down to whether or not he wants to try an LDR, or if he feels it's just too much. I mean, his being in NYC is a lot more convenient than the 4 months he spent in Mexico. He'll have a consistent, strong internet connection, and I'll be in a better spot financially to fly out and visit periodically. I know some of you think I should just call it quits, but I want to stick it out. I'm a natural leader, and very experienced and emotionally strong, so I need to set the pace here. He can decide whether or not he wants to keep up.

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Originally Posted by lahnnabell [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm a natural leader, and very experienced and emotionally strong, so I need to set the pace here. He can decide whether or not he wants to keep up.

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It's not about you. It's more about him. LDRs require great fortitude. He should be mentally strong. I take it that he's a bit geeky and nerdy? He should shift his game, less heart, more head.

The arguments! ooohh.... landmines! You'll definitely be posting those here.

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Originally Posted by nerdy_guy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

It's not about you. It's more about him. LDRs require great fortitude. He should be mentally strong. I take it that he's a bit geeky and nerdy? He should shift his game, less heart, more head.

The arguments! ooohh.... landmines! You'll definitely be posting those here.

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He and I don't really argue. Sure, we've had issues, but I'm very proactive about talking about my feelings. If he's done something that bothers me, I sit him down and talk to him about it. We don't yell or curse at one another because that doesn't solve anything. He's very good at listening and taking what I say to heart, and I do the same for him.

Geeky and nerdy aren't the best words to describe him at all. He's much more introverted, though not shy, and is a very cerebral person. He's the type of guy that prefers to chill out at home, throw on the jazz, and shoot some pool or watch baseball. He's the type of person that prefers to show his affection more than verbalize it, and he does lots of little things to show me how much he cares.

I'm not sure if he worries that I'm going to leave him for someone more convenient, or if he worries about missing me more than he can handle. Possibly both. He and I still need to talk. I'm gonna see him tomorrow when I finish work, so we'll see how it goes. I talked with him today and asked him how he was feeling and he said he's trying not to think about it right now.

The problem is, this time you can't "sit him down". It's always easier to settle thing when you see each other. I'm not saying that you'll both be screaming and shouting if both of you are miles apart, but I know from experience that the distance adds a lot of tension so I'll give you a heads up on that one. He actually behaves more like me, homey, Smooth jazz, but I'll swap out a pool table and baseball game with a PC and cooking show anytime :)

He said that he's trying not to think about it would definitely mean that he's preoccupied and worried about how his life would be like when he's in NY and the thought of you guys being far apart keeps cropping up in his mind. I think it would be best if you comfort him and don't tell him about what he might worry (you looking for someone more convenient or something else). It might artificially put the wrong thoughts on his head. Don't impose anything (again, just a heads up), listen to his fears, and work from there.

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Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i'm sure it won't be so hard if you really love each other.

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HA!

Are you kidding me?

It's even harder because you're both less likely to toss in the towel so soon.

In fact, if you really love someone that much, you'll drag it until there's nothing left.

Love can be incredibly painful.

EDIT:

Lahna, let me just give you my recent experience in a temporary LDR of my 4 year relationship.

We hadn't seen each other for about a month and a half. So...6 weeks.

The first week was fine.

The 2nd-4th week was torture, I had regressed into the hopeless romantic I started the relationship as.

As it progressed into the 5th and 6th week I started to level out and become...somewhat callous.

Yes, I missed her, but it's difficult to maintain that same kind of intensity over a prolonged period.

I think the biggest thing going for us in this situation was that we were working towards a common goal, so it was still "we" and not, "you and I". That really makes a difference...

yeah so if they don't toss the towel in so soon, more chance it can work out. Besides theres a million ways to stay in contact these days and considering he's still in the same country, it won't be so hard to go and visit. Yeah, i know its not easy. I was in a LDR for about a 2 months as well and I didn't even have an internet connection. It was really hard but we stuck through it, determined that the distance won't separate us. And I believe it's more easier on the person who leaves than that who is left behind as he will be experience new things and what not. Whereas you will be in the same place left with a billion things to remind you of what you guys used to do. So he's actually in an easier spot.
It's much harder when you get in an argument. It's easier to patch up when your face to face then long distance but i hope you won't get much of those.

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Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

yeah so if they don't toss the towel in so soon, more chance it can work out. Besides theres a million ways to stay in contact these days and considering he's still in the same country, it won't be so hard to go and visit. Yeah, i know its not easy. I was in a LDR for about a 2 months as well and I didn't even have an internet connection. It was really hard but we stuck through it, determined that the distance won't separate us. And I believe it's more easier on the person who leaves than that who is left behind as he will be experience new things and what not. Whereas you will be in the same place left with a billion things to remind you of what you guys used to do. So he's actually in an easier spot.
It's much harder when you get in an argument. It's easier to patch up when your face to face then long distance but i hope you won't get much of those.

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Dude, 2 months ain't shit.

I was in an LDR for...shit, over a year.

It's expensive, it's emotionally draining, and it never gets easier as time goes on.

LDR's should not replace a healthy relationship, they're simply a hiatus until two people can resolve where they want the relationship to go.

I had hit rock bottom at one point and almost broke it off during that year. There needs to be an end point.

Point being, LDR's should only be temporary.

Lahna, I'm not trying to scare you out of this one, I'm simply trying to give you my perspective (as a male) of having been through an LDR.

Don't think too hard about it, do what you feel is right, at this moment.

You'll cross those bridges I mentioned when you get to them.

wow a year? thats way too long. yeah i agree LDR's cannot replace a relationship but i do think here in lahnna's case that it is just temporary. Honestly I don't believe LDR's will work in the long run but if its temporary and if its not too expensive to meet now and again then maybe it will work.
Well Lahnna it just depends on you guys really. Hope you manage to work something out.

one year man , how on earth did you do it??

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Originally Posted by adam95 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

one year man , how on earth did you do it??

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We were friends the year prior, and during the course of our first year dating I saved money to visit her every other month.

As time went on I decided we needed to do something, fast, otherwise we'd have to break it off, so we took steps towards moving closer and closer together (big risk!) and...well we made it work.

That, and I had Loveforum to help me out more times than I can count.

The regulars here have pretty much watched my relationship grow from the beginning.

Loveforum's like a mix of a responsive journal, a soap opera and a reality tv show.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Loveforum's like a mix of a responsive journal, a soap opera and a reality tv show.

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More like Family Guy.

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Originally Posted by Raze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

More like Family Guy.

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Except we have more than one talking dog around here.

Hi lahnnabell, you might not remember me but you helped me out a few times a few weeks ago in regards to my relationship problems. The gist of that was my ex and I were forced into a long distance relationship due to jobs as well, and eventually things got to a point where breaking up was the right thing to do. Anyways I just wanted to say there's no easy decision. Before I actually moved, I took a lot of time to think about what to do. I thought about things logically, emotionally, combination of both, blah blah blah. And no matter what people advised me, I was still torn. I turned to my parents and friends, but nothing they said was anything I didn't already think of. Even months after I moved, I still felt like I didn't know what the hell was going on. There wasn't a gut feeling, no sense of I know this is the right thing to do but it's just hard. Nothing. I literally had no solution. Things eventually started to clear up and I slowly found clarity. So my advice to you on that is to be patient. If you're anything like me, you take action and want results. But I've learned that sometimes, the best you can do is to be patient and eventually you'll start to see things a little clearer (for better or worse). From an outside perspective, despite being in a very similar situation, it's easy for me to say why don't you guys just try to make it work. But I know it's not that simple. You guys might not be on the same page, he might not be as sure of your guys' future, etc etc etc. The best that I can really tell you is that don't be so hard on yourself or in a rush to figure things out. It sucks being in a gray zone, not knowing what to do, but I'm sure by now you know life is never that simple. Truth is, because you love him so much and at the same time love yourself, it's going to be a rough road ahead of you no matter what decision you choose. Of course, I'm always rooting for good relationships to work out and best of luck.

If he and I are to stay together, I think developing some clear-cut goals is a very good idea. I don't want to spend a year in limbo, wondering when the hell we'll be able to reunite. I don't know how anyone could do a year... That would hurt so much.

I'm glad that I've already resigned myself to staying though. I agree that my moving without any source of stability or income will leave me in a very bad place. It's not really the best choice for him to up and leave without a job lined up, but he's still young and has yet to make those kinds of mistakes. It's time for him to start figuring out how to take care of himself.

Sometimes I wish I could just say I would be content to get married and be taken care of, but I know that I would never be happy with that alone. I love to work and I am determined to become good at everything I do. He knows I need that.

On top of all this, the Diplomatic Security position he has been scoping out has recently opened up. He knows a senior officer and could possibly get a recommendation that might help him get his foot in the door. If he were to get that position, he'd be in D.C. and then training in Georgia for 2 years. I'm really hoping he tries for that because he's been talking about it for a long time.

One of my former college classmates has been doing the distance with his girlfriend since he joined the Air Force. He's been back and forth all over the U.S. for a few years now, and is finally getting stationed in Maryland within driving distance of his lady. They've done an amazing job of making it work from what I can see on his FB wall. I'm considering messaging him and asking for advice.

Long distance is excruciating. I only did it for eight months and we saw each other every three weeks and it was still living hell. I hope there's another way or that it doesn't last too long if you go this route.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Long distance is excruciating. I only did it for eight months and we saw each other every three weeks and it was still living hell. I hope there's another way or that it doesn't last too long if you go this route.

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Knowing your whole story gives me a lot of hope for the future. I know I can't bank on it, but it's nice to know that good things do happen. I feel that the emotional and mental beating I've been taking for the last several years is still on its way to being redeemed too. I've been accruing karma points like there is no tomorrow. Someday it will all come back to me. I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I'm getting there.

Boyfriend texted me at the end of my shift asking me not to come over tonight. He said he needs some alone time. I figured he would. Still sucks though. I called him and simply asked that he not resign himself to a conclusion without talking to me first. He said he wasn't sure what there was to talk about. I asked him to please keep an open mind, and to please not shut me out. He said he would try his best with the former, and that he certainly would not shut me out. He also said that he's not mad at me, in fact, he's very proud of me. He's going to take the weekend to do some thinking.