Need Advice on an Affair

I am new to this site, I hope I can get some good advice, as I am not sure where else to go. I have made a huge mess of my life and relationship, and I do not know what to do. I and 33 years old and have been married for 5 years, no children. For the most part the marriage has been good. We have had some tough times over the past six months, though, but I never even thought about straying or leaving. Then, about three months ago I met a friend/coworker of my husband's and was instantly attracted to him. We became friends on our own due to mutual interests, and started hanging out a few times. At first it was just flirtation but became more than that. We have only been intimate once. I feel horrible and guilty, but I have also developed major feelings for this guy. I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him. We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends, but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. If anyone has any advice it would be most appreciated. Please no judgment, I know that this was wrong to do, I am just looking for a way out of this mess that I have created.

Well, I'm not going to judge you for having an affair (or something alike).

But statements like "I don't want to end up alone" make me sick. Combine that with "I don't want to hurt my husband", which is EXACTLY what you're doing (or have been doing).

Don't get me wrong... I've had affairs with women like you, I'm not going to judge. I'm just saying I don't like your attitude, and maybe THAT'S where the problem lies, not your "boring" marriage.

I'm even younger then you... so maybe you wait for someone more experienced to help you.

first thing, you need to tell your husband, he at least deserves the respect of knowing that his wife is weak between the legs, if he leaves, then he is entitled to and you deserve it,

you not getting over the other fella, tells me that there your marriage is not working, i have no clue why, being comfortable and nice is not good enough especially when you act like a slut, i personally dont think any relationship is salvageable once someone cheats, but thats a personal view, but the problem is your lingering feelings, theres either something wrong with you or your marriage is not providing you with something or a bit of both, either way, its not working

first thing though, tell your husband you are a whore, only plus is that no kids are involved

I'm going to judge you, but you're a SLUT.

Thank you for the responses, although I think some of the judgment is maybe a little harsh, but I understand. I know that what I did was terrible, I do not need someone to tell me that or call me names. This was not about physical feelings, more about emotional ones, not that that makes it ok. And yes, you are 100% correct in saying that me not wanting to be alone is selfish. I admit that- I do not want to destroy my whole life. Do you think, at this point, we can all just move on? Is it possible to keep this a secret and still work on the relationship? And yes, I am very glad that there are no kids involved to get hurt. Enough damage has been done. Either way, I honestly appreciate the input. I realized by posting this that alot of people would have a very negative response. Funny thing is I used to think the same way, until this happened. I know I shouldnt care what strangers think, but I do want people to know that this is very out of character for me and this has been very hard for me too.

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Originally Posted by mmsmith1977 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I do not need someone to tell me that or call me names.

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I agree with the name calling, but that's just how it is on the interwebz.

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Originally Posted by mmsmith1977 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This was not about physical feelings, more about emotional ones, not that that makes it ok.

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WTF? That's even worse. Listen, I never cheated on a woman. However, I'm not saying I never will. Give me the right situation and I'm all in. Not that that makes any sense, but it would be purely physical. So if possible, I'd hide it and continue with the relationship. But the moment I like (in a non-physical way) someone more than my own girl, well, then I wouldn't ask any further questions. You KNOW what you should do.

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Originally Posted by mmsmith1977 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And yes, you are 100% correct in saying that me not wanting to be alone is selfish. I admit that- I do not want to destroy my whole life. Do you think, at this point, we can all just move on? Is it possible to keep this a secret and still work on the relationship?

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Well, if you're certainly not going to see this other guy anymore, then yes, I think there is a chance. At least IN PRINCIPLE.

But the way I see your specific situation, I think there are some serious issues with your marriage (and with you). Otherwise you'd maybe go for sexual excitement, but never for something deeply emotional.

Again, I'm not saying you're a bad person.

I see what you mean, about it being worse to form an emotional bond with someone than just a physical relationship, although both are a betrayal. There are some issues with the marriage and more with me, I know. I just cannot decide what it is I want or what I should do. It is good to get some opinions, though, because I have not been able to really talk about this to anyone- I have not wanted to admit to this to any of my friends or family. My husband has always been my best friend, and I know he loves me. I just never expected to fall for someone else. It just seems that whatever I choose, it hurts.

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Originally Posted by mmsmith1977 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I see what you mean, about it being worse to form an emotional bond with someone than just a physical relationship, although both are a betrayal. There are some issues with the marriage and more with me, I know. I just cannot decide what it is I want or what I should do. It is good to get some opinions, though, because I have not been able to really talk about this to anyone- I have not wanted to admit to this to any of my friends or family. My husband has always been my best friend, and I know he loves me. I just never expected to fall for someone else. It just seems that whatever I choose, it hurts.

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I can relate to what you're saying, really. But you just directly admitted it... you've fallen for someone else.

That's nothing anybody has control over, NOBODY can blame you for that. It is what it is.

However, continuing to "fake" your marriage is not what I could be cool with. ****ing some other guy for the sex alone is one thing, but feeling emotionally more connected to someone else is a whole other deal.

Apart from what I already said, I really have no other advice for you. It's a ****ed up situation, and someone (you or him) is going to suffer, bank on it. It's him in the short term, or it's you in the long term.

Don't take everything I say for granted though, I'm young and stupid.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I know I need to do something, just not sure yet.

its time to stop being selfish, you have already done enough damage as it is, if you have a shred of decency left, tell your husband, you at least owe him that, surely you are capable of seeing that

what happens next is that chances are this wont work, assuming your husband has a spine, he will probably want nothing to do with you after this, but then again how am i or anyone else who doesnt know you or your husband from a bar of soap supposed to know? he might be a more forgiving person than most and be willing to work at it, but then again you still have the problem that you still like this other guy (which to be honest i dont understand, i dont understand how you can claim to "love" your husband but still have feelings for another man - again this to me points towards you being a slut), all this points towards a failing marriage

got off the computer and tell your husband

Maybe you are right, except yes it is possible to have feelings for more than one person. I do not entirely understand it either to be honest, and of course you are free to have your opinion of me. I hope that I can have the courage to tell him, I have to admit that I do not want to at all. Thank you though, a harsh opinion is still helpful.

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Originally Posted by Raze [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm going to judge you, but you're a SLUT.

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And that helped, how?

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Originally Posted by qwerty123 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And that helped, how?

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I hate cheaters. It's not supposed to help.

Go to Will Harleys site and learn about affairs. You need to confess to your husband and break all contact with this man if you want any hope of your marriage recovering.

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html]Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage[/url]

Remaining friends with this man is even more stupid than the affair itself.

That seems to be the general feeling, to stop all contact and to confess. The fact that they are not only coworkers but have a superior/subordinate work relationship makes it even worse though, and opens up a whole other can of worms, especially since it is a very small firm. I also feel like confessing is selfish- like I would only be doing it to assuage my own guilty feelings. I know I deserve whatever I have coming to me, I guess I was just hoping there was another way.

No, there's not another way. Lying is just as destructive as cheating. Stop trying to weasel out of it. If you want to stay married, you have to fix your marriage, and to do that, you have to be honest, not just about the cheating, but about whatever was wrong in your marriage that made the cheating a possibility in the first place.

You have a lot of work to do. Get started.

Yes, I do. I have alot to figure out and alot of talking to do. I hope that it will be ok. Thank you.

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else. And it's evident in your case. You are not at the state of selfless love and you have both men at your back up at the same time. It's like if someone assures you that your future life (let's say marriage) will be perfect with the new guy, you'll take the plunge. But if apparently things are uncertain you prefer your present husband as a well established refuge.
I am not calling you names, infact I don't think you are a bad person at all. We all make mistakes, otherwise we would have been angels. And in your case you have been more destructive to yourself than any one else. Of all the people who are judging you, I am sure very few understand the level of trauma you are facing. You are torn between two guys, and they have both been nice to you. I think you had some issues in your married life, they might not be BIG enough, but they troubled your mind. In hope of looking for some distraction you started this *side* thing, but since you are not a total player you fell in your own trap. When you get some tension from your husband you confide in the other guy. And when he is busy or indifferent you enjoy spending time with your husband. Because once again you love to keep yourself pampered and can't face situations on your own.
So I'd advice you to grab a paper, write what do you like and dislike about both of them, create a plan that you think is best for you, identify the problem in accomplishing that, and find solutions.
In ANY CASE trust me the pain of leaving one of them would be much better than this confused state of hanging in middle.

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Originally Posted by zonay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else.

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I like that.

A year ago when I first came to this forum my outrage at your story would have made it difficult for me to write anything calmer or more reasoned than Raze"s "Sl*t" post. But I've learned a lot about the realities of Modern Love since then. Now, "How typical" pretty well covers my reaction.

These days when I hear some poor guy screaming "She cheated on me" all I can think is "Of course she did, Fool. Did you really expect anything else?" The majority of American women are on your side,mm, or on their way to join your cause: around 50% of women in this country cheat on their "love"-partners, and another 25% say they would cheat if they were sure they would not get caught. You have plenty of company out there in Adultressville, though not very distinguished company. And I no longer give a damn that that's the case.

So I'm not being "judgmental" here, only pointing out what I see as the realities of your situation.

1. You say that you "have only been intimate once" with your husband's "friend." Too bad. If you'd had a hundred "intimate interludes" it wouldn't make your husband feel much worse than your one-night stand is going to, and you would have got a much better price for your marriage.

2. You say that you're your husband's "best friend." No, you're not. Perhaps you once were, but you are no longer, nor will you ever be again. Don't make decisions based on your supposed friendship with a man you castrated.

3. You say that you're "afraid of hurting my husband," as though the hurting is a future possibility. I'm sorry, but you're not thinking when you say this. You've already hurt your husband. The pain may not have reached his brain yet, but it will the second you confirm his suspicions (yes, he probably does suspect), or he has his suspicions validated by any of the many, many people who know of or will learn of your little affair. Count on it, because you'd be a fool not to.

4. "We recently ended the affair"... No you didn't. You've got your "friend" on standby (as he has you), and it's only a matter of time before you and he (or you and somebody) are off in some hourly-rate motel, harassing the bedbugs. I'm sure that if you look deeply into yourself, you'll see that I'm correct. Admit this to yourself, and you'll start thinking a little more clearly about your situation, and about whether you want to keep your pitiful husband around to endure yet another round of humiliation.

5. When you say you need "a way out of this mess" I assume you mean that you want to save your marriage. But...you no longer have a marriage to save. You've destroyed every root, branch, and leaf of any "holy matrimony" you may have entered into, and you've broken the legal union/civil contract marriage as well, as any divorce-court judge will tell you. Nor do you any longer have a "relationship," except as cheater to cheated. Your husband may still think there's a love relationship, but that belief is not likely to last past revelations about you and his "friend." Perhaps you and he can develop a new relationship in the future, but the cards are against it. Fewer than a third of cheater-broken marriages survive more than months after the cheat is revealed.

To be honest, I'm not sure your marriage can be saved, given it wasn't just some guy out of nowhere, but rather someone he works with. (Was it his boss, or his employee, btw?)

You must have been really mad at him to hit so close to home.

Since you have no children, I'm not sure why you feel so devoted to the idea of making it work with your husband, but if you stand any chance at all, you will need some professional help.

I will reiterate a previous post... SLUT... i also agree with "chump4u" im young myself, I have friends who have cheated, I know so many ppl that have cheated and never learn. It has somewhat jaded me from finding a gf, as i keep thinking sooner or later it will happen. I mean how hard is it jsut to break up with the person and then pursue what you want. The amount of self control majority of people have is astounding, and this is jsut the beginning. The next generation will be having orgies during gym classes.

It would appear that cheaters are now no longer the exception to the rule, it has become the rule. Loyal partners are now the exception.

Will Harley?? Someone mentioned earlier, is that the Marriage Builder site? No offence but I personally think its a load of shit, ppl read it and try to fix something, when its best jsut to end it. Its like trying to fix a big home on stilts, by putting in more stilts. Once the foundation is broken its best to just demolish the house and restart (find someone else).

advice: tell him, and leave. Also dont try taking his assets/money, you probably have the right to according to law, but you have no moral rights to it.

I truely believe in the vows of marriage, i take things slow in relationships and dont date jsut for the sake of dating, i try at least to look for the right girl to start off with. It would appear that i have an old/traditional mind in a yound body. Sadly i will not fair well in the dating scene, well its regarded as a dating "game" now.

Originally quoted by CHUMP4U:

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But I've learned a lot about the realities of Modern Love since then

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Adultery or Infidelity is not MODERN. Since the time of the Holy Bible, infidelity has been mentioned. Abraham and Jacob were both written about in the Bible as being unfaithful husbands. This dilemma has been going on for thousands of years, and it seems as though it may never cease. The desire for one who is married to be with another person seems to be a problem that history has accepted, and the modern world has learned to live with. Now opportunities to commit it, ease of going out with someone else, chances of being caught are more convenient than ever before. So in my opinion infidelity/adultery is not a new or emerging problem. It has always been there, but in the past it's punishment was severe up to death penalty or stoning. So that made people who committed it afraid of confessing it. Now with all the liberation and libertarianism going on, it's easy for people to at least confess it. Internet has given this option of becoming anonymous. This woman could be family relative/ friend/ colleague of any of us. But now since her identity is not obvious, she can confide in us. So that makes the confession more easy.

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round 50% of women in this country cheat on their "love"-partners, and another 25% say they would cheat if they were sure they would not get caught. You have plenty of company out there in Adultressville

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Well, speaking of the *correct* facts here: Alfred Kinsey has found in his studies that 50% of males and 26% of females had extramarital sex at least once during their lifetime. Depending on studies, it was estimated that 26–50% of men and 21–38% women, or 22.7% of men and 11.6% of women had extramarital sex.
And I personally think, it always takes two to tango. If 50% women are cheating, 50% men are their crime partners :-)

I think you need to wait a bit, let time pass, 2-3 weeks, get your thought right, its pretty clear that your not in a good emotion mode, and it can cost more damage, to you, and your loves one.

So much hysteria on this thread.....

zonay...although kinsey's findings helped open society's prude mind to what was actually going on in the bedroom across the country...i wouldn't' quote his findings as fact. his research practices were far from what would be considered unbiased. BUT i do agree with your point. to project women as the cheaters is just silly...it does take two to tango. in the OP's situation both she and the coworker cheated.

to the OP...why on earth would you want to pursue things with this coworker? he knew you were married...and even worse to his "friend" and coworker. if he's ok with having an affair with you, then what's to stop him from doing so in the future to you??? he's not worth your time, and shame on you for being so ignorant/selfish about all this.

you need to tell your husband yesterday. he needs to know. you have already given up your right to make any decisions regarding your marraige. tell your husband what happened and let him decide what the next step is. if you are lucky, he'll be willing to work on things with you. if i were in your husband's shoes, i'd kick you to the curb. not only did you cheat on him and throw all commitments you made to him by marrying him out the window, but you shamed him by doing it with someone that he works with and considers a friend. he deserves to know, and you deserve to be alone.

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Originally Posted by RdHrshyKss [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

zonay...although kinsey's findings helped open society's prude mind to what was actually going on in the bedroom across the country...i wouldn't' quote his findings as fact. his research practices were far from what would be considered unbiased. BUT i do agree with your point. to project women as the cheaters is just silly...it does take two to tango. in the OP's situation both she and the coworker cheated.

to the OP...why on earth would you want to pursue things with this coworker? he knew you were married...and even worse to his "friend" and coworker. if he's ok with having an affair with you, then what's to stop him from doing so in the future to you??? he's not worth your time, and shame on you for being so ignorant/selfish about all this.

you need to tell your husband yesterday. he needs to know. you have already given up your right to make any decisions regarding your marraige. tell your husband what happened and let him decide what the next step is. if you are lucky, he'll be willing to work on things with you. if i were in your husband's shoes, i'd kick you to the curb. not only did you cheat on him and throw all commitments you made to him by marrying him out the window, but you shamed him by doing it with someone that he works with and considers a friend. he deserves to know, and you deserve to be alone.

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Because she is a slut.

Raze, you know I love your posts but STFU already. You made your point once, it was acknowledged, I suggest letting the adults post if you have nothing useful to contribute.

@ 7sins. I posted Dr. Harley's site. You are welcome to disagree but you sound young and never been married, I expect. You should realize that not everyone thinks that infidelity is grounds for divorce. Some couples DO choose to move forward from it, for various reasons (esp if children are present) and Will's site provides a starting point for this choice.

I do agree with you that cheating in a dating relationship is a deal-breaker tho, FWIW.

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Originally Posted by zonay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I read it somewhere that you can love two person at the same time only if you love yourself more than anything else. And it's evident in your case. You are not at the state of selfless love and you have both men at your back up at the same time. It's like if someone assures you that your future life (let's say marriage) will be perfect with the new guy, you'll take the plunge. But if apparently things are uncertain you prefer your present husband as a well established refuge.
I am not calling you names, infact I don't think you are a bad person at all. We all make mistakes, otherwise we would have been angels. And in your case you have been more destructive to yourself than any one else. Of all the people who are judging you, I am sure very few understand the level of trauma you are facing. You are torn between two guys, and they have both been nice to you. I think you had some issues in your married life, they might not be BIG enough, but they troubled your mind. In hope of looking for some distraction you started this *side* thing, but since you are not a total player you fell in your own trap. When you get some tension from your husband you confide in the other guy. And when he is busy or indifferent you enjoy spending time with your husband. Because once again you love to keep yourself pampered and can't face situations on your own.
So I'd advice you to grab a paper, write what do you like and dislike about both of them, create a plan that you think is best for you, identify the problem in accomplishing that, and find solutions.
In ANY CASE trust me the pain of leaving one of them would be much better than this confused state of hanging in middle.

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I think this post summed up everything I have been feeling pretty accurately, everything rang really true. And to answer a previous discussion, the other guy is higher up in the company. I guess i WAS stupid enough to think I could have it both ways, I am not going to defend myself, or say that someone else would do the same thing. All I have been trying to say is that I never would have thought I would do something like this, ever. I know what the right thing to do is, and I honestly have no idea what my husband would do if I told him. I think that were the situation reversed, I would be open to trying to save the marriage but of course that is easy to say isnt it? Now that I have stepped back from the situation and I am actually thinking I feel like I am seeing things clearer and maybe can now make a better decision.

I just want to know why the OP is staying in this marriage if herself feels she has crossed a line. It does not seem like you're in love with your husband, you have no children, why don't move out and find out more about yourself?

Maybe it's time to do some thinking away from men.

I guess basically I have not left because I do not know if that is what I want. I would like to try to work things out or go to counseling at this point, but maybe feel like it is too late. Pretty much I have been at a loss as to what to do, which is why I looked here. I will admit that I was too ashamed for my friends or family to know what I did.

I don't think you should tell anyone you that you know slpet with someone else...don't count on people's blind loyalty to you in this particular issue.

Would you be my close friend I would tell you one thing:

Let sometime go by, say 2 to 3 months and your feelings will become clearer BUT ONLY IF YOU DONT GET NEAR THIS GUY AGAIN;

The topic of this thread is exactly what I am so scared about with my boyfriend.

The thought of him having an EMOTIONAL affair is more terrifying to me than a physical one because I could possibly consider forgiving him a physical cheat.

I could never accept an emotional affair because that is where the heart lies, and the heart can be damaged forever, if not killed.

^Good luck if you think you'll be able to control your partner's thoughts and feelings. In any case, I'm not sure I agree with the whole e-affair concept. This idea is a relatively new concoction of the 'professional' psych/counselling community. I think its created more problems than its solved re: relationships.

We aren't responsible for our thoughts. Only our acts of will.

in my country cheaters get lashed, your lucky you live in america

Some friend of your husbands. You want to keep it a secret so you can be happy. In the mean time your husband thinks he has a friend, but actually doesnt give two craps about him, or you for that matter. If you cared you would have talked to your husband. You need to tell you husband. When you cheated on him, you gave up your decision in what happens to the relationship. If you loved your husband, this would not have happened. Don't be cruel and hide what the realtionship really is any longer.

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Originally Posted by shammi [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

in my country cheaters get lashed, your lucky you live in america

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Youi forgot to specify female cheaters get lashed cos I think the men would be all right...

There are BIG dynamic stressors here.

1. His boss now looks at him like he is a pathetic loser for having a cheating wife. His boss's ego is so huge for screwing his employees wife. He is such a prick, his A** should be KICKED! I WANT TO RIGHT NOW! He is a little F*ing punk.

2. Your husband is unaware that you had sex with his boss and he is still working like normal and acting like normal...poor guy.

3. You F*ed up his JOB, MARRIAGE, LOVE etc...

4. What did he do to make you stray? Was he abusive? Didnt give you attention? I WANT to know because I do not want this to happen to me.

5. You MUST tell him or else this dynamic will F*ing EXPLODE in your face to something MUCH bigger that you will NOT be able to handle.

6. The man you cheated with knew that you were married so HOW can you TRUST him? He is a user. He used you. What a sly smooth talker he is. He talked his way into his employee's panties...looks like he hired the right guy wink*

7. You are not a bad person although, people make mistakes and should be forgiven for nobody is perfect. You deserve another chance and if your husband loves you, you two should work it out as long as you cut all ties with the person you had an affair with.

8. He now needs to find a new job.

9. We are just human and we make mistakes....dont hurt yourself over it. Just accept the consequences.


This makes me SO worried about getting married. I am still really young.

I dont want to be a victim .

One thing I do have to agree with- people are MUCH harder on women who cheat than on men. This is NOT to say that it is alright for either to do so, but if a man was on here I doubt people would be calling him names! I think it is equally wrong for men or women, but women are looked down on much more for it. Anyway that being said, Imabeliever, you asked what he did to make me stray? Unfortunately there really is not a specific answer. We have been drifitng apart and having issues, and no he has not always been attentive or appreciative, BUT that is no reason to cheat. The fault is mine, not his. I should have gone to him a while ago and made my feelings clear. But, dont let this sour your thoughts on marriage. Lots of people have great, faithful relationships. Marriage (any relationship really) is alot of work and if one or both parties stop trying and let themselves grow apart and emotionally check out then that is when there are big problems. I would hope there is still a chance, I think that were the situation reversed I would still try to work things out with him, and honestly I am not 100% certain that HE has been completely faithful (I honestly do not want to know). Everyone makes mistakes, and I would wager that 99% of the people on here have done something in their life that they are ashamed of or that has caused someone else pain. All I want now is to be able to somehow move on from this.