I don't understand him---HELP

My relationship is on the rocks... real bad place right now.

First question-- My friend who happens to be my boyfriends-best friends-girlfriend told me about three months ago that her boyfriend informed her that my guy had hooked up with a girl from his work--AT work. Anyways i confronted him and he quickly let me know that it was a lie--a story to make his friend jealous because his friend thought the girl was hot---long story short I don't think he's telling me the truth. He and this girl have conversations late at night and when I'm at class during the day. They seem to know when EXACTLY to talk. He swears that it's all work related that they are just talking corporate gossip. Again. I don't believe him. What's the deal, am I paranoid like he says I am?

Second Question: He's begged me to move in with him for over four years now. I finally did and all he ever does is talk about marriage, kids, and having a big farm house someday for us as a family. Why would he be so full speed ahead for that life when he hides and lies about so much? Also, if he wants a family so bad why does he seem to think that privacy of bills, cell phones, calls, texts, and emails are still so private? Is this normal for a guy? He hates it when i touch his phone and when i caught him trying to hide one of another girls calls and demanded for his phone records he flew off the chart because I was crossing the line. Am I really crossing the line when my guy/ whom i live with and share everything with is hiding from me?

Third Question: Is this even worth trying to save? And if I even can, how do I do it?

I've been with my boyfriend for eight years. So we've grown up together and what not. We've broken up here and there but I feel thats to be expected when your so young. Some how we ended up today being still together. There is a situation in our past that isn't fully resolved involving a 'story' he told his friends to brag about having 'relations' with someone besides me when we broke up for a brief amount of time. When we got back together he said it was just a story to tell the guys because they were making him feel insecure with him 'manlihood' because they were teasing him about being with only one girl. Anyhow we still got back together becasue I chose to believe him, however he's lied relentlessly since, about phone calls he gets: he gets a phone call and I ask who it was (we live together now) and he says it was a 1-800 number, nobody. Except I see the phone records and I know he's been talking to a girl from his work while I'm in college classes or late at night after I go to sleep. He said it was conversations about work, and work gossip, because they used to work the same 2nd shift together all the time and since he's on 1st shift now this is how they have their '***** fests' about corporate life screwing them. This girl is the one he made the 'story' up about.

It kills me that he keeps lying to me. He says he didn't think talking to her was wrong at all, that it was something he should even have to tell me about. Of course I don't have a problem with him talking to girls from his work, he talks to guys too. What I have a problem with is him lying to me about it when I ask and blatantly seeing in black and white on our bills that he's only having these conversations when I'm not around. I think something happened between them but I'm figuring the 'story' he told was when we were broken up and I had no claim on him. However, I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to handle lies and deceptions from the person I'm supposed to love and who is supposed to love and respect me back. What are your thoughts? Is it worth trying anymore? Any suggestions? Thanks.

well about your first question, i can't answer. did you tell him that you find it extremely uncomfortable that he talks to her so much and does so when your not around? you guys sound like you've been together for a real long time.

second, i personally don't mind my gf looking through my stuff. i actually asked her the other day why she doesn't do it more often! well if he's hiding girls calls. you have to sit him down and talk seriously. i get calls from girls but never hide it from my gf. hiding means he think's he's doing something wrong.

third. how long has this been going on for? how long were you guys together? has he always been like this? do you think the happy moments are worth all the trouble. it depends on a lot of factors but the most important is whether you will be happy with him in the long run.

Well, go and do the same :p See how he likes it? haha no.. im playin. I really think u guys need to have a heart to heart. Tell him ur issues and how uncompfy ure bout it. gl

i think you posted something similar in the ask a male section.
anyway did you tell him that you know he's talking to this girl and that you don't mind just as long as he doesn't hide it?

i'd sit him down and give him the opportunity to come clean. tell him that you understand you guys were not together at that point, and you won't hold anything against him for something that happened while you weren't together, but that you will NOT tolerate lying. give him a chance to be honest about everything. and lay down some ground rules regarding this girl. if he thinks it's ok to be talking to her a lot then you should meet her and get to know her. if after you give him this chance he persists with the lies, then dump his ass. doesn't matter how long you've been together, if he can't be decent enough to be honest with you about everything (especially after 8 years) then you need to move on.

that go and do the same technique sucks :P but honestly it worked on me. but i won't advice it!

nicely done RdHrshyKss!

Threads merged.

Anyway, your boyfriend is a weasel. I think you should rethink this relationship.

First question: Maybe, maybe not. I try not to take personal calls in front of someone I'm dating. Not because I'm trying to hide it, more because it always ends with a 10-minute inquisition about who it was, how I know her, how long I've known her, what we talked about, how close are we, blah blah blah (yeah, I've dated a lot of neurotic women). Much easier to take the calls in private. That said, he shouldn't be lying about who it is, that's just plain wrong.

Second Question: Bills, cell phones, calls, texts and emails are private. Period. The last person who "demanded" my phone records found herself single two minutes later. He reacted harshly because, like most guys, he's probably dated a dozen neurotic women who spent half their waking lives imagining all kinds of awful scenarios and then snooping around for evidence. You may choose to share this info with him, but he doesn't *have* to reciprocate.

Third Question: Maybe. You guys definitely need to talk, since you two clearly aren't on the same page.

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Originally Posted by rain.man [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

First question: Maybe, maybe not. I try not to take personal calls in front of someone I'm dating. Not because I'm trying to hide it, more because it always ends with a 10-minute inquisition about who it was, how I know her, how long I've known her, what we talked about, how close are we, blah blah blah (yeah, I've dated a lot of neurotic women). Much easier to take the calls in private. That said, he shouldn't be lying about who it is, that's just plain wrong.

Second Question: Bills, cell phones, calls, texts and emails are private. Period. The last person who "demanded" my phone records found herself single two minutes later. He reacted harshly because, like most guys, he's probably dated a dozen neurotic women who spent half their waking lives imagining all kinds of awful scenarios and then snooping around for evidence. You may choose to share this info with him, but he doesn't *have* to reciprocate.

Third Question: Maybe. You guys definitely need to talk, since you two clearly aren't on the same page.

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they've been dating for 8 years off and on...i don't think her asking for this information is neurotic, especially when she's caught him in lies before. he did this to himself by being dishonest. he either gives up the information, or takes a hike.

He's been talking to this girl for over a year now. I told him because of the horrible stigma that is now wrapped around this probably innocent girl I don't want to deal with it anymore. He's agreed to break off the freindship though he refuses to call it that. He said its no problem to stop talking to her, supposedly he thought she was immature anyways or something. He says he doesn't like her, but then why does he talk to her for over 30 minutes on the phone at night? And behind my back?

I don't know. i want things to work between us because we've put some hardcore years into this relatioship but I don't see it going anywhere if he refuses to tell me the truth. I'm scared I'll never be able to trust him.

I still think he's kinda sketchy. = /

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The other factor to all of this is that we are high school sweethearts. We are 22 now trying to start a life together. He's turning into a pathological liar. He literally stared me in the eye and said "I have a problem. I keep lying to you when I know its a bad idea, because you always catch me in it."

That's scary to me. Why do I HAVE to catch him in order for him to be honest. That's why i asked for the phone records, I'm tired of catching him and I want to know the whole truth for once. He got the phone records for his cell phone and they showed the same details as our house phone bill, no difference. But asking for the cell phone bill was horrendous to him. That tells me he's hiding something.

Women want honesty because it gives them security.

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Originally Posted by commonsense111 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. The other factor to all of this is that we are high school sweethearts. We are 22 now trying to start a life together. He's turning into a pathological liar. He literally stared me in the eye and said "I have a problem. I keep lying to you when I know its a bad idea, because you always catch me in it."

That's scary to me. Why do I HAVE to catch him in order for him to be honest. That's why i asked for the phone records, I'm tired of catching him and I want to know the whole truth for once. He got the phone records for his cell phone and they showed the same details as our house phone bill, no difference. But asking for the cell phone bill was horrendous to him. That tells me he's hiding something.

Women want honesty because it gives them security.

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i completely agree and i think that goes for both men and women. he's a lucky man that you are still willing to stick around. give him an ultimatum...truth from here on out. complete transparency as to what he's doing. only after some time, when you've been able to build some of that trust back, can you then back off a bit and let him have his privacy. if he doesn't want to agree to that or you catch him in another lie, then you should be out the door...if you stay, you will only have more stress and lies to look forward to. the only way he'll change is if you step your foot down and say ENOUGH!

You've busted him in many lies and you keep choosing to believe him. ThisHis continuing to lie is an easy choice to make every time you've busted him he covers it up with a lie that you choose to stay and believe.

Let me tell you something I learnt recently: forgiveness is a commitment. Meaning if you choose to forgive him that means you've committed to not bringing it up and holding it against him. By you still thinking he's lying (rightfully so) you have broken the forgiveness committment. My point: you shouldn't have forgiven him at all.

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Originally Posted by RdHrshyKss [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

they've been dating for 8 years off and on...i don't think her asking for this information is neurotic, especially when she's caught him in lies before. he did this to himself by being dishonest. he either gives up the information, or takes a hike.

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I'm not calling her neurotic, I'm saying this obsession over privacy usually results from neurotic exes (though not in this case considering she was his first). And there is a BIG difference between asking and demanding (her words). Asking is fine, but you don't make *demands* like that. Demands and ultimatums are pretty much relationship killers. When it gets to the point of saying "give me X or go away", you may as well just end things right there and save yourself even more fighting.

He royally screwed himself by lying, but he should stand his ground, refuse to sacrifice his privacy and make her decide whether she can ever really trust him. It has been my experience that giving in to demands only encourages further demands in the future.

well then according to your ideology, there relationship is already doomed. if she gives him the right to not compromise and relinquish that information in order to PROVE that he is not guilty, then he will just continue to walk all over her. people are naturally LAZY. they will do the least amount of work possible to get by, even in relationships. so if she just "asks" him for this information, and gives him the choice, he will just say "no" and continue with his negative behavior. he will never learn.

but the OP should make the choice. i do sort of agree with what your saying, but in my opinion it's something that makes sense in your head, but just doesn't work in practice because people will take advantage when the opportunity arises for them to do so. if she isn't so demanding then he will have no reason or incentive to make any changes. that's just my opinion though. if the OP needs this information in order to make any forward progress in the trust department then he should cooperate, if he doesn't, get rid of him.

I think it is doomed, and it should be. I don't know why she's sticking around waiting for things to change. Odds are he is cheating on her, and at this point, I don't really even feel bad for her because she's chosen to accept it. If someone refuses to tell you the truth and show common human respect to you, you should end it. If you don't, you deserve whatever comes after.

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Originally Posted by BackUpOrGetStng [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think it is doomed, and it should be. I don't know why she's sticking around waiting for things to change. Odds are he is cheating on her, and at this point, I don't really even feel bad for her because she's chosen to accept it. If someone refuses to tell you the truth and show common human respect to you, you should end it. If you don't, you deserve whatever comes after.

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she said that he's admitted to the lying, and they've been together for 8 years, so throwing it out the window might not be so easy. i still think she should give him an ultimatum...give him one opportunity to come clean about everything. if he can't accept this as an opportunity to start fresh, then he's a selfish idiot and the OP should end it.

I would end it anyway. He's a liar. His only reason for thinking he shouldn't lie is that he keeps getting busted, not because it's wrong. Hopeless.

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Originally Posted by Gigabitch [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I would end it anyway. He's a liar. His only reason for thinking he shouldn't lie is that he keeps getting busted, not because it's wrong. Hopeless.

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good point.

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Originally Posted by RdHrshyKss [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well then according to your ideology, there relationship is already doomed. if she gives him the right to not compromise and relinquish that information in order to PROVE that he is not guilty, then he will just continue to walk all over her. people are naturally LAZY. they will do the least amount of work possible to get by, even in relationships. so if she just "asks" him for this information, and gives him the choice, he will just say "no" and continue with his negative behavior. he will never learn.

but the OP should make the choice. i do sort of agree with what your saying, but in my opinion it's something that makes sense in your head, but just doesn't work in practice because people will take advantage when the opportunity arises for them to do so. if she isn't so demanding then he will have no reason or incentive to make any changes. that's just my opinion though. if the OP needs this information in order to make any forward progress in the trust department then he should cooperate, if he doesn't, get rid of him.

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It was doomed a *long* time ago. She should have dumped him by now. Instead, she kept letting it slide thinking that one day he'd wake up and magically change himself. And we all know how often that happens.

Ultimatums are a crutch for people who can't bring themselves to do what they know they have to. It lets them deflect the blame onto the other person. IMO, if she can't trust him, and he won't share the info of his own free will, she should dump him. End of story.

I'm not suggesting you ask nicely and then become a doormat when he refuses. You ask, and if he refuses you walk away. Why waste your time and emotions trying to change someone into who you think they should be? Save that energy and just find the end result. This is the same old "turn a bad boy into a good man" fairy tale when she should just skip the years of drama and find herself a good man to begin with. They are out there.

Ok This is not from my experience only my uncles.
My uncle was your age when he came over to New Zealand with his girlfriend and they got very serious and had two kids and got married.
She was a total drama queen and her whole wedding day she couldn't drink cuz she was pregnant with the first kid, she threw a big drama
all day and everything was about her apparently (i wasnt there cuz they got married in England). Anyway we thought she was just a typical
dramatised female but then she started to get lazy and selfish and evntually ended up cheating on my uncle numerous amounts of times with
supposed wrestler guys. She has broken up with him and married and had a baby with some random guy she met online (note: she is very slutty
and liked to post herself naked on Facebook and also post pictures of her in school uniform which my uncle took himself) and she used to hint on her
facebook 'I'm married to the king of assholes'. My uncle is not the happiest of men but he is definitely a lovey man and he is very devoted to a woman.
He is moving on but is always depressed and he spends all his time at home and never talks to us anymore even when we lived next to him. Look where
he is now, I would hate to end up like him. Even though she cheated on him and didn't really want to take their relationship to another level she still
married him had two kids with him then did him wrong. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you but maybe consider the fact he may be saying
all this to make you happy, he may not want this really and guys just dont know how serious it is until he has kids and is married.
You need to try and stop invading his privacy, alot of guys bare faced lie to their girlfriends
trust me I know this. He should not be lying to you and if you are really unsure about him try find some form of evidence that he is doing what you
think he's doing which is flirting with this 'co worker'. Its not nice to go behind guys back but if its making you this paranoid sometimes you just cant
help but go behind their back. You need to be sure of what he's all about if you are planning on moving in together. I haven't read all your extension
posts but what is going on here is quite obvious, if he really appears to be hiding something you have a right to know how he feels before he starts
manipulating you into marrying him when he may be potentially unfaithful. you dont want to end up like my uncle who grew up with this woman as well.
You don't wanna be left feeling like all those years were a waste of your love and life. I mean if you broke it off with him now it would hurt so bad
but you don't wanna get in deeper with him until you know what is going on and then end up feeling worse because you got more serious with him, if you
know what I'm saying.

Good luck,
Sapphire x

Hey. Thanks everyone for the imput and the advice. My boyfriend willingly handed over the phone records and dealt with the 1000 questions about the numbers and such. We talked about the girl he was talking to and he finally fessed up that they'd been talking for the majoirty of the time he's been emplyoed with the company. He swears that he's never been with her in a romantic sense in any sense of that word. According to him they were gossipers. They liked to talk a lot of crap about corporate pushing them around. Since he's left that portion of the company, and it shows in the recrods, they haven't talked that much.

I asked him to not talk to her anymore considering the horrible stigma that is now attatched to the thought of her and he was happy to comply. He said that the conversations never meant anything to him but venting about work. He said he would have talked to someone else but no one else at work was as big of a complainer as him. In fact, according to him, he didn't even really like her that much. I'm not sure how I feel about that part.... however

We are trying to work back to the boundaries of trust and he's willing to do what it takes. He feels horrible for keeping it a secret but he felt like the relationship between them was completely acceptable though he was convinced that I would be angry and in order to avoid conflict with me he refrianed from letting me know about it.

He's willing to come clean with his freinds too about this story he made up in order to save the relationship.