why can't men answer a straight question with a straight answer

A month ago, I posted a thread I am 63 he is 42. Briefly after 3 years of him flirting with me, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend (he thought I was just 10 yrs older, his guess). We are both married, we had a strong attraction, he made all the running, calling, txting, but kept letting me down. We met, we kissed and started to get to know each other, he made wild promises, of us being together in different countries. There was a misunderstanding over a business issue, we feel out as I left the country 4 weeks ago. We both live part of the time in a country where this kind of thing would be the ruin of both our good names. I was in this country for 2 weeks at beg of Sept when all this happened. I left mid Sept, no contact for 2 weeks almost, then we spoke a few times over the last two weeks. He was saying he was looking forward to me returning. He asked me to call him and txt him, I said are you sure you want to hear from me, he said yes of course.

I have been back here for 2 days, Yesterday, I sent a simple txt message saying good afternoon, no reply. I called the number it said not available try later. Today I found out he was moving his office to another town, but will continue to live in this town. Why oh why didn't he tell me straight, when I asked him. Why this stupid game, I feel hurt all the more that he has behaved like this. He spent 3 yrs priming me, pursuing me. I know he isn't happily married. He said by knowing me I would save his marriage. I didn't want anything from him, he made me laugh, he made me feel alive, I wanted him so much. I couldn't believe that he had spent 3 yrs. At the beginning when I was reticent, I said I'm not desperate because I'm older you know. He said look if I wanted a quick f..... I wouldn't be asking you. I want more, I want you, I love everything about you, you have an aura, I can't stay away from you. Which was true, he was always around me and trying to be.

I want to see him or speak to him one last time to ask him, why all this secrecy about his movements, if it's over it's over, I won't chase anybody, why keep telling me to call and txt him, when I ask if he is sure he wants me to, he says yes. Why Why Why! Can somebody out there please tell me. Now I am back to where I was a month ago, so broken.

This is shocking. A guy who is cheating on his wife won't be honest with you either? What is this world coming to, when you can't even trust a cheater?

We're grown up and knew exactly what we were getting into. Well, I thought I did, I was prepared to accept him as my friend which I had for 3 yrs and maybe see where it leads because of our attraction for each other. I didn't want to ruin his respectable marriage, I think money and property is involved and in this country it's the bedrock of society. In this society marriages are arranged and many people feel the pressure to go along with parent's wishes, which is what he had done. Arranged marriages in certain societies are about many things, sometimes they work sometimes they don't. But just sometimes - something wonderful comes along. I have never ever had an extra marital relationship ever before in my life. I have only known 2 men physically in my life, though I had many boyfriends in my youth. I guess I am just naive expecting to be treated with some honesty.

You are both married still and your spouses know nothing of this? That is a bit strange. Also he still doesn't know your real age yet you are complaining about his honesty? I don't know what is going on here.

Well age is just a number, I never told a lie about my age, it just wasn't relevant, I didn't ask him how old he was, we were just 2 people. Any more than an older man who ditches his wife for a younger model, who cares about that. My husband cheated on me many years ago and left me with 3 little boys, he came back after a year, to this day he has never told me the truth about his affair. I have asked many many times, each time I was given a different version (the one he wanted to believe of course), now he just refuses to speak about it. Maybe my desire for this man and wanting to do something about it, is unfinished business, who knows. When I got married I foolishly believed it was forever, but my husband let me down badly, even though I begged him to tell me the truth, so that I could deal with it all, as I said he never has to this day, that was 27 yrs ago. So, I don't ask for approval about an extra marital affair, I merely ask why when a straight question is posed, a straight answer isn't given. I know in my case I have not had a physical relationship with my husband for 8 yrs, he doesn't want to any more + he is an alcoholic and I have suffered very much as a consequence of his alcoholism. When I met this man, he made me smile and feel happy, it just seemed a natural development to become closer, we made each other happy, it seemed so wonderful after the years of misery, that it was possible to feel the joy of being alive again. Is that so wrong, or, must I continue to suffer and be miserable.

I don't really get this . . . are you both cheaters? because that's disrespectful and dishonest . . . is this not working out for you? you seem to be getting bad results

You're right this is not working out for me, perhaps I was being naive when I stupidly believed what was said to me. Fortunately I have not slept with this man, as I was wary about him. I have learned a very hard lesson. When I was younger I would have taken the view, eg cheaters. Now I am much older, I have realised people often do things for many reasons. They are stuck in bad complicated marriages/relationships which prevent them from leaving, so I try not to judge others and use a simple word like cheating which is derogatory. You will find as time passes and your experience of life grows, you will view people and life quite differently as every decade passes. You can't always choose who you fall in love with, it just happens and for 3 yrs I tried not to respond to this man, 3 yrs, not 3 weeks. I tried very very hard not to.

it's difficult to control your emotions when dating conflict arises.

he's avoiding you on purpose and do not have the courage to say it to your face or letting you know

don't even wonder why he's not responding or think about it.

most men, myself included, like to play passive-aggressive when it comes to women.

if we don't want to see a girl anymore, we just give them the cold shoulder, not contact her and ignore her.

that's men's nature. hope this helps

Well. Not all guys are the same. I believe some guys can give a straight answer. Just sayin.

Hi, thanks for your reply which I just picked up. I guess my man is behaving the way you describe. Except that since my lasting posting, my man came back to me, 3 times. Each time he said he was trying to put me out of his head but he just couldn't. Over the period of weeks from mid October, this whole thing moved on, he played games continually. I eventually came to realise, this is the way he lives his life, but all the time he was saying things to me, revealing his feelings. In the end, we became very close. The last evening we spent together 4 weeks ago, we had dinner at my place, enjoyed one of the most fantastic evenings of my life, no sex, I might add, we ate, we drank wine, we talked, we got close, played music to each other, laughed, laughed and laughed more. Sat close..... when he left we kissed as if we were teenagers totally in love. He said to me, you are special I am going to wait for you, because you are worth it! I didn't ask - this is what he said.... he always told me of his feelings. 2 hrs later he rang me at 2am, desperate and begging to come round and to sleep with me. I said no he should not drive, due to too much wine.... we have all the time in the world. He begged me - then he started to say it was dangerous. I made no demands on him, I was realistic. Days passed, more games ensued and I decided it was all too stressful. I have seen him in passing. I left the country last week, for a few weeks. I am heartbroken and trying desperately to move on. I sent him birthday wishes a week ago, as it is a special day he shares with 1 of my sons. On the occasions I have seen him, the feeling is there between us, so powerful.... what do I make of the last series of returns from him, I have sent him on his way now 4 times, he has returned 3 times. My heart has chosen him for right or wrong, I don't know if I will ever be the same..... would be interested to hear your thoughts.

Hi, it's good to know there are some straightforward men out there, girls will appreciate you I am sure. Thanks for your comments.

Your post is way too long for me to read so I'm just responding to the title.

Why can't men answer a straight question with a straight answer? Because women never ask straight questions. Theirs are always loaded, and if a man wants to avoid a bitter fight and still get laid it's in his best interest to carefully consider his words. With some women you've got to talk like a politician, because if they can they will twist what you say until you come out as the most horrible person on the planet.

Sorry about the length of my posting, the complexities of my situation are something that replay in my head over and over. Interesting as a man, you're not interested in the detail, I guess that's the difference between boys and girls. Us girls are into the detail of it all, men aren't, they want what they want, therefore they will say what they have to in order to get what they want. It still doesn't make it any easier for us girls to deal with, or make us feel good about ourselves. In the end I feel as if I was just a thing to be had, consumed. No wonder men are constantly dissatisfied with their lot and looking elsewhere. Because they lack the ability to go deep, well, they don't get deep..... love..... that is...... I suppose looking back, I have been lucky to have sustained a deep and long lasting relationship with my husband, which has just died due to time and problems. thanks for your honesty

There's nothing deep about emotion. It's a drug cocktail, literally. No different than getting stoned out of your mind and blabbering inanely. You might think what you're experiencing is a depth without measure but that isn't true. Anyone can get stoned and stupid. Anyone can get hooked on dopamine, norepinephrine and the rest. There is absolutely no depth there. It's all primal and subhuman. We aren't primates, coerced into sticking together for survival. We don't have to live like beasts, mindlessly reproducing, following our emotions to our own destruction and misery.

Depth comes in science and math, it comes in intelligent literature and conjecture.

I find your answer so contradictory, you say one thing and contradict yourself. There is nothing deep about emotion? What drug cocktail is that similar to? It's all primal and subhuman? What on earth are we doing here? Discussing what exactly? Are you in a relationship, have you been in a long term relationship, on what basis are your opinions given, scientific, mathematical, ?? So all relationships are not deep? I am curious but rather confused about your conjectures..... perhaps you need to live and experience a few more decades of life. I guess some people dare to experience life and live it and we suffer the consequences.....

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Originally Posted by ianoulla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi, it's good to know there are some straightforward men out there, girls will appreciate you I am sure. Thanks for your comments.

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If you mean me, then thank you. I believe that people should listen to each other completely and thank what they should say first. But these situations I should say that women should give a man a chance to explain himself before judging too quickly.

Emotions not having much depth. Then all the emotions I have are meaningless then. What a stupid thing to say. I mean really.

Gribble got it right. Some men never give a straight answer because they fear what your reprisal might be. Whether you overreact, get angry at them, twist things out of context. Like it was said, you almost have to talk like a politician and with emotions involved, things are always changing.

PEOPLE in general do not tell a straight answer because they are either lying, hiding something, or don't know the answer but will NOT ADMIT they don't know the answer.

In your situation, unfortunately we are giving you the best answer we can give - you're both liars and cheaters to individuals who you took sacred oaths and pledges to. Both of you walk and feel with a lie everytime you are around your spouses. If he AND you treat your spouses this way, then there is no surprise that HE would have a problem lying or deceiving to you either.

He is just flirting and no really getting too involved to get a thrill which is totally lacking in his relationship with his wife. His comment about you may be the reason for saving his marriage gave it away. Like the other poster said it like a drug, he gets his high and then he's good and just goes away, then comes back. He probably feels as long as he doesn't step too much over the line he's ok. He can live with himself. It's still cheating when having an emotional affair.

Time and problems are only a portion of the reason. Usually you have spent 20 plus years attending to your responsibilities as parents and you have let your relationship go by the way side. You stop being a couple. When the kids are gone, you are looking at each other like two strangers. Having an affair is not the answer. Either try and fix or separate for awhile to see if that's what you want. You can rekindle a marriage by good communication, maybe some counseling, and setting time aside to get reconnected like by going on a vacation....getting out your comfort zone to break up the monotony.

Well, to some extent I can accept there is an element of some truth in each of the last 3 postings. I know that as every decade passes, I see things differently. I have always been truthful, I have never ever strayed in 43 yrs of marriage, on the other hand my husband did, many years ago, I accepted him back and I forgave him, but interestingly to this day he has never ever told me the truth about what happened when he left me. I have asked him many many times. I believe men have the ability to blot truth out and reinvent it to suit.

I have always been honest with my husband and he knows that I don't want to be divorced, but I want to enjoy personal freedom for this period of my life, we live side by side as many people do after so many decades of marriage. I meet people through my work who are mature and who have come to the same conclusions. Financially it is just not possible to live separately. Maybe this is an age thing, as we assumed big responsibilities from an early age and now being free seems a natural thing to want to be. I hasten to say my husband is not at all interested in me any more, he just wants a comfortable uneventful life, he wants me to become an old lady. While I on the other hand want to feel alive and experience new things, travel, new hobbies, meet new people, want to experience the feeling of love, almost innocently as I did as a teenager, without sex. What is wrong with wanting to love and be loved.

When this younger man came to me, spent 3 yrs pursuing me, I did not respond, I listened to my own instincts, I was right I realise now, I drew some obvious conclusions, but in the end my heart won. It might sound selfish, perhaps it is, but I made a decision and I stand by it. 40 yrs ago, 30 yrs ago, 20 yrs etc I would have been shocked at my behaviour, but not now..... and sounded as self righteous as some of the people who replied to me..... but all I say is, hmmm, your life isn't over yet, you wait and see......... I don't judge anybody anymore, I used to. I never thought I would be the other woman.

Anyway, thank you for your varied responses, very interesting...... I am wondering now, will he come back again..... if so, what will I do.....hmmmmm

If he can't be honest with his wife, what makes you think he will be honest with you??....duhhhhh

How come the 'other woman' always thinks she is 'different' to the rest and that he will treat her any differently???

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Originally Posted by xxazurexx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If he can't be honest with his wife, what makes you think he will be honest with you??....duhhhhh

How come the 'other woman' always thinks she is 'different' to the rest and that he will treat her any differently???

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I totally agree with this. The other woman is so disillusioned by it all. A married guy's intentions are selfish ones. The reality is that they trick you with lies to get what they want then they go back to their wife.

Well, I'm not disilllusioned at all, just realistic. I know he has his life and his wife, I don't want to be his wife, she is welcome to all that boring stuff, been there done that bought the Tshirt. I enjoyed his company for 3 years, we never did anything more than have coffee, flirted, had a lot of fun, connected. For me that was enough.... perhaps I am naive. I asked for nothing only to be told the facts, so I could organise my own daily life. Having your time wasted due to trivial lies, is annoying once, 10 times is infuriating.....

Prince Charles lied to Princess Diana right from the start even before they were married, their story is now well documented and a part of history! Bill Clinton lied to Hilary..... the list is endless. How much humiliation and heartbreak could have been avoided if only the truth was told at the outset, but hey if the royal family are weak and Presidents of countries,...... and they have the power to control millions of lives..... generally men don't have a good track record, history speaks for itself.

But thank you for your errrrr straightforward simplistic replies.

It's not men who have a bad track record...infidelity is a two way street. Women that choose to date or go for men that are attached are no better than them. Divorce isn't as bad as you think. My mom divorced at your age and is doing just fine. Split the assets, get spousal support if possible, down size your lifestyle. People do it everyday.

If you want excitement in your life with out sex, find a lady friend to go out and have adventures with.....less hassle. You can flirt with men on the go that way without worrying about working a schedule around it.

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Originally Posted by ianoulla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, I'm not disilllusioned at all, just realistic. I know he has his life and his wife, I don't want to be his wife, she is welcome to all that boring stuff, been there done that bought the Tshirt. I enjoyed his company for 3 years, we never did anything more than have coffee, flirted, had a lot of fun, connected. For me that was enough.... perhaps I am naive. I asked for nothing only to be told the facts, so I could organise my own daily life. Having your time wasted due to trivial lies, is annoying once, 10 times is infuriating.....

Prince Charles lied to Princess Diana right from the start even before they were married, their story is now well documented and a part of history! Bill Clinton lied to Hilary..... the list is endless. How much humiliation and heartbreak could have been avoided if only the truth was told at the outset, but hey if the royal family are weak and Presidents of countries,...... and they have the power to control millions of lives..... generally men don't have a good track record, history speaks for itself.

But thank you for your errrrr straightforward simplistic replies.

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So because Royalty have cheated means it is acceptable for everyone to follow suit and cheat also? lol

Honestly, don't you think you deserve better than some other womans 'sloppy seconds'?

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Originally Posted by ianoulla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We are both married
We had a strong attraction
We met, we kissed and started to get to know each other
He made wild promises of us being together in different countries.

Yesterday, I sent a simple txt message saying good afternoon, no reply. I called the number it said not available try later. Today I found out he was moving his office to another town, but will continue to live in this town. Why oh why didn't he tell me straight, when I asked him. Why this stupid game?

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Let me see if I have this straight...

You have the audacity to demand from him an honest and reasonable explanation
as to WHY he didn't uh, tell you the truth...when you both are CHEATING on your respective spouses
you both had sworn an oath to love, honor and cherish THEM in God's house???? Really???

He should have be an honest cheat (like you) is your demand? K.

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Originally Posted by ianoulla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I feel hurt all the more that he has behaved like this. He spent 3 yrs priming me, pursuing me. I know he isn't happily married. He said by knowing me I would save his marriage. I didn't want anything from him, he made me laugh, he made me feel alive, I wanted him so much. I couldn't believe that he had spent 3 yrs. At the beginning when I was reticent, I said I'm not desperate because I'm older you know. He said look if I wanted a quick f..... I wouldn't be asking you. I want more, I want you, I love everything about you, you have an aura, I can't stay away from you. Which was true, he was always around me and trying to be.

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There are way too many "I's" in this paragraph!
I think you are too self absorbed with what YOU want while not taking into consideration what HE wants
namely his obligations regardless if you think you know he isn't happy in his marriage. It is NOT your call.

Don't make excuses by putting it on him: saying you didn't want anything from him because
you didn't have an issue consummating your infidelity, so you DID want something from him.
In fact the very next line says I wanted him so much? Very confusing.
You can't use your comment to him (about not being desperate) as an excuse saying, "see I brushed him off
and he still pursued me!" It doesn't work like that.

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Originally Posted by ianoulla [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I want to see him or speak to him one last time to ask him, why all this secrecy about his movements, if it's over it's over, I won't chase anybody, why keep telling me to call and txt him, when I ask if he is sure he wants me to, he says yes. Why Why Why! Can somebody out there please tell me. Now I am back to where I was a month ago, so broken

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Singing Annie Lennox won't help you I'm afraid.
Just stop and think about it, k?

YOU: call and text him.
HE: doesn't answer or respond...
HE: is married. Should he answer the phone in front of his wife?
HE: does want you, and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You are just as responsible as he is.

The answer is: YOU cannot dictate how someone is going to treat you especially when
they have commitments that supersede your own selfish wants.

I'm shocked that a person my senior hasn't learned the many lessons life
has tried to show you in order to become a better person!!!

You need to get your priorities in order and apologize, YES apologize for your
part in this drama and move forward with your life end of story.

This isn't love based on your post here and it stands to reason
you reap what you sow. Cheating begets cheating...Lying does as well.

[Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]
Watch this lol