How many of you ever had an affair with someone who is married?
And how many of those who are married had sex with somebody else?
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How many of you ever had an affair with someone who is married?
And how many of those who are married had sex with somebody else?
i have never done either. and i never will! i know you should never say never but i truely believe that. i come from a family that was broken up due to my mother's infidelity. i have seen what it does to families. i will never do that to my husband or children, and i will never do that to the children or wife of the "imaginary man" i would have an affair with. i think alot of people have affairs and don't really realize how many people their decision is effecting. its not just the 2 consenting adults. most times there are innocent kids involved. try having that on your conscience. so think about that b4 ever even considering taking part in a relationship like that. i mean there are like billions of the people in the world. why do u need someone elses man or woman?? ok....well i'm gonna get off my soap box now!
huh.....i make sure i shoot that whoever it is who wanted to date me while he is married
i completely agree with abercrom. Being involved in an affair, where you're married, or the man's married, or both, it disgusting. My family also is being broken up due to my DAD'S infidelities (in large part). This hurts the wife, but more so the kids. Maybe not when they're really young, like toddlers. But when they're around 10 or 11, they're just old enough to know what's going on..but not old enough to cope with it. It's a horrible thing to do. I dont even understand how someone can be so cruel to do something like that to their wife or kids. If i was cheated on...they would..without a doubt, be shot. And it's not like you can really hide an affair, you can hide the evidence sure...but..the way you act and things like that..it's very easy to detect.
So..sunny, if you're planning on having an affair...do not. Bad people do that. And it's very shameful.
I don't have an affair with a married guy (and I'm not planning to have one). It is probably one of the worst things that can happen. However, I don't think anybody is "planning" to have an affair. This is about feelings and sometimes things just happen. Furthermore, it always takes two. So never say never. It is hard for kids when their parents break up. However, first of all an affair must not mean the end of a marriage. Secondly, if something is wrong in that relationship (why do you have an affair?) then it does not help the kids if their parents stay together because of them.
Sunny brings up a good point. An affair the symptom, not the problem. The fact that someone would have an affair is only indicative that the relationship was ALREADY in very rough waters. The reason many couples break up after an affair is because it is undeniable proof that everything is not 'OK'. Until then, its very possible that both could lie to themselves and say, 'We're just both busy and stressed with work...' and not deal with it.
My parents stayed together until I was 19. When they separated, I encouraged it. They were absolutely miserable! Night after night they had fight after fight and I could hear them all.
Don't stay together for 'the kids' or any other reason than for YOU. Kids are happy if their parents are happy. When the parents are miserable and angry...
that's the most selfish thing i've ever heard. If the man or woman is having an affair, The marriage should be broken up...bringing some other woman's sick smell, or a man's sweat into your own spouse's bed is sick. If you want to go **** some other person, do it when you're single. If you feel the need to be single, get a divorce. It's a lot easier to hear that your parents are getting a divorce than it is to hear that your dad just couldn't settle for just his family, he had to bang some other slut behind his family's backQuote:
Originally Posted by sunny72
and if you're SO worried about things happening between the two of you..i suggest you stay away from him. this problem isn't that hard to avoid. unless you dont mind ****ing up his family or yours.
i totally agree with steve. i understand that affairs are symptoms of underlying problems, but the solution is to fix the problem. not have an affair. affairs don't just happen. it is a consious decision. you are deciding rather then doing the right thing and trying to fix you problems, just to use somebody else to give you what you want. this makes things way worse in the end for everyone involved. people need to understand that when they got married they took a vow under God for better or for worse. they owe it to themselves and their children to atleast truely try to make it work. if problems can't be resolved, then fine seek a divorce. i do agree that children don't belong in an environment where the parents are unhappy. but when one parent has an affair that just makes matters WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY worse. my parents got divorved after my mom had an affair on my dad. there is alot more that goes along with it, but it's been over 2 years since my mom and i last spoke. i lost alot of respect for her. as someone who went through the situation i much rather she had come home and been likewe are getting a divorce then to do everything she did. when you are a parent your decisions effect not only you but your children also. no more being selfish. the same goes for say me being single and sleeping with a married man with children and such. i could never have that on my conscience. even though i have nothing tied to me, i would know deep down inside what i was doing to this man's kids. and don't think you can hide an on going affair. it will always get out.
I agree with the previous posts..
Cheating is bad, affairs are wrong, and if there are kids involved, then the person might consider that there are things beyond their personal wants like the children involved.
Another side note is, if this man is willing to have an affair, what does this say about his integrity (and this could go for women too)? Is these the qualities and values you really look for in a person?
If they do this to this person, what makes you think they won't do it to you? We all like to think that it'll be different, its not the same etc etc. But remember on what you build that relationship on.
My question was not what you think of someone having an affair. I know that cheating is bad and affairs are wrong. And I was not necessarily talking about a marriage with kids. I was simply interested in the fact whether anybody in here ever had an affair.
well i had sex with a girl that had a bf... sure at the time i didn't care about the guy, but that was one one-night stand that turned into a learning experience. i don't think that the guy ever found out, but i hated one night stands after that. the things you do when you're under the influence.
raverboy
I think i can gather from what has been posted, that the majority has NOT had an affairQuote:
Originally Posted by sunny72
i'm not married and i've never cheated on a boyfriend and i've never been with a man who was married. but my parents divorced before i was a year old and i've always wondered if an affair had anything to do with it. my dad is kind of a player now and i asked him if he did and he said no, but i am very doubtful that i'll ever get the truth. all i do now is assume. but i agree with aber (as usual). i will always have the picture in my head of my dad being unfaithful, and i can't deny the fact that i would've had my father when i needed him if it weren't for his actions, i would've had a father. but i see the other side in that it is easy to be unfaithful, especially if there is little chance of being found out. desire gets the best of people sometimes. now that i'm an adult i can see both sides. it's a tough one you know? i'd be interested in some other people's opinions...
OMG....the last guy i dated was much younger and everything was fine for 3 mos then he tells me he is married WTF....for 10years....i was crushed it was the most amazing relationship built on false pretenses however, so it all came to a crashing halt...however, he still tries to call and wants a booty call but....not gettin any here :D
good for you. good good for you
wow.. ok.. so here is the other side...
I cant say that I had an affair... but... I did fool around with a married guy.. ( and this is bad but the truth) ... unfortunately for me... I really like him. WE know what happened was wrong.. we had been drinking.. yadda yadda yadda... it just happened. Obviously we have a pretty big sexual attraction for one another.
The thing is.. I know what he did was bad. I feel like it was very much my fault. However.. he was there too. We talked about what had happened... sort of... I mean we have never actually said .. Hey about that night? We were talking about something else and he told me that I was the only woman he has been with for 10 years?? What do I say to that ? Sorry? .. If I was her.. I would feel betrayed.. but Im not.. Im me. It doesnt make it ANY better. I live with that guilt.. along with the guilt of knowing I have feelings for him. Its like my punishment, and I accept it.
/blarkblark
Sleepy.. im gunna sound like Bill Clinton here.. but .. I never had sex with him. We fooled around.. thats all.. seems likes it alot.. honestly .. it wasnt.
I am not over him. I most likely wont be for awhile but thats my choice and thankfully I am a grown enough woman to know that my actions were wrong but I am entitled to my feelings good and bad. Like I said.. its my punishment and I gladly accept it. As for guts... lol.. I not shy about how I feel about anything.. read some of my posts.. lol.. Its good to see some new names on here. Welcome ;)
How did I help a hurt woman?
J/C
/blarkblark
:/ agreed. Unless the girl herself has said that the actions between you two are alright. He's cheating on her.
ok first of all.... no shit this was a bad idea... IT HAPPENED ONCE! Its not like its on going. I KNOW I helpped him cheat. I defenately dont need to me reminded. The question was if someone had an affair .. I answered .... just that.. I answered, unless the point was to ask .. have then respond and then jump all over them to tell them what a bad person they have been. Well.. I got it. IT WAS BAD! But ya know, I really liked him for other reasons.. I am not going to explain them because I just dont need anyone else to tell me how bad it was.
BTW... Sleepy, To answer your last question... NO ... obviously .. its not ok to have an affair and if I was dating someone who did or whatever.... I would be hurt too. What i did was a mistake.. I have no idea if they have an open marriage or not and frankly, it doesnt matter. IT WAS A MISTAKE! I am done with defending my actions. I will live with that guilt ... just answering a question.
i'm so sorry. i genuinely did not mean it that way, and tried to make it sound right, but i understand why you took it that way. the clumsiness was entirely mine.
g-d, i have made many mistakes and hurt people's feelings; i should not have even commented on yours. please forgive me.
i was an ass; it won't happen again.
er...i guess i can't strike through, after all. i tried to word my opinion very carefully; i'll try it differently next time.
Alrighty, you need to calm the **** down. No one jumped down your throat. Neither myself nor Sleepy was even mean in our comments.Quote:
Originally Posted by jane
I am not upset at all. Im more hurt .. there was no yelling .. my CAPITAL words are me stressing a point. If you have a problem with the way people express themselves... then you my friend are in the wrong place.
I am not saying that you specifically sad anything bad.. but you have to understand my point too.
Your right ... you said nothing about what I did. COOL! Thank you. But as Sleepy stated there were comments that I might have miscontrude as being mean. I dont know you .. you dont know me. Shit happens... but now that I get to respond ...
Sleepy... its all good. Sorry if what I took as "Mean comments" werent really mean at all.
*in steps raver*
*holds up the white flags*
hey hey, i can make peace too, as well as take it away.
raverboy
Thank you Raver
;)
Damn, I'd been thinking too long on this one. No affair for me. But in defense of Jane, I dont think its right if people judge or be jury of someone else. Thats not our place.
I jumped in late and there's been edits..so I don't know what went on there..but whatever, I'll speak independantly.
I agree that there are too many people in the world that are single and available than for you to go and find you a married person.
I also agree that the majority probably doesn't plan it out that way..why deal with the problems that will bring as opposed to finding a single??
But I also believe that people are and should be free. Free to make your decisions. Free to give yourself as you please. What I mean, is if I am committed to a girl, then I will give myself to her because I choose to. In the same way, I don't want to say "you're mine and here's what you can and can't do"... No, if you're going to give yourself to me, that's the way I want commitment to work..but not because I imposed it on you. If someone else can make you happier...if I truly love you, I will let you fly.
But the problem gets multidimensional when there are kids involved. Also, what does it mean, then, to be married? I guess I defined commitment to a small degree above. This is just what it means to me: When I commit to a girl and marry and all of those motions, I'm saying what I said above: I give myself to you and no one else. I WILL NOT play with fire by flirting with temptation...yeah, I'm free, but this is my way to commit...simply be satisfied with what I have and stop keeping my eye open in case someone better comes along. That's commitment to me..because, of course, you never know if there is someone better out there in this planet full of so many people..but when you say you commit, it's all for this sense of security that you choose to give each other.
Now the majority of people marry with this "happily ever after" idea in mind..and it obviously doesn't always work out this way. Nobody can fortell the future and you don't know if things will go south fast..in which case, it is perhaps best to end things..even if there are children involved. I don't believe in "for better or for worse". I only believe in "for better"...if it's "for worse", I say it is best to end the marriage that obviously isn't working toward a harmonious home and try your hand at a civil, maybe even friendly relationship if kids are involved..if not, you may even just go your separate ways. And it is definitely better to end it before you try it with someone new (an affair)..than wait for circumstances to push you toward it and eventually explode in the affair.
In any case..no, I don't plan on it..and I don't believe the majority of people do.. I do believe that there may be the cases where a girl will try to snag the successfull professional man and not care that he's married..simply because she want's this prize.. and that's bad. Just as bad is the guy who will also flirt with the married woman and want to get into her pants.
But when we're done with this discussion..I pose: What about in non-married scenarios..would you still cheat your partner or care much that the other person already has a partner while s/he's messing around with you??
Freddie
the mistake i made was to presume to speak for anyone other than myself. :( i should have just said i have seen them irreparably hurt people whom i love and left it at that. this is my last apology on the topic.
I can put some thought in this, I personally wouldnt get involved with someone married or even attached to someone else. Im too independant to want someone that bad. And I think sometimes people get involved "not knowing" and the married or person whose involved leaves that part out of it and or makes it out as thought theyre the victim and or theyre leaving their partner...too many scenarios. But people make mistakes, its not my place to judge their decision. They're the ones who are having to live with the ramifications, physical and or emotional.
I have NEVER cheated on anyone I have been involved with, even if it was a casual dating thing, I dont think its right to have multiple people involved. Thats my opinion only though! When I get involved with someone, I want to get to know HIM, and only him, concentrate on one person, and make a decision, keep dating him, or let go and be single again. But I dont think its fair to that person, even in dating to see other people. Even in a serious relationship, maybe not engagement or anything like that, but just exclusive, I would NEVER even consider cheating on him. He's the main person in my life at that time, and if I find that person special enough, HE gets all of my attention if deserved. If I find Im not fulfilled in the relationship or him, than I bail before I get involved with someone else, and I wouldnt have someone else lined up either. Take the time to heal and then move on.
K~Im done on this one too.
my system of morals or beliefs is very simply i think that when a human or any other species is born on this earth they have some "natrual rights" (oh yeah i paid attention in social studdies class teehee) one of those is life and another is freedom...i dont mean the bullshit freedom like we have in america i mean the freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want weather it be killing everyone they know or being a god bonding person under two conditions
one-they understand that whatever they do other people have the right to pass judgment and they may have to pay in some way depending on there country etc etc on what they did
two-they accept it
therefor being the smart ass i was went ahead and played around with all these married men etc becouse however i never thought about what it was doing to the oppistie party
my ex cheeated on me pretty badly and i dont blame the girls he was messing with
and i certaintly dont blame me....
however i will never help a man or women commit adultry again (unless something happands in my futrue that proswades me) only becouse i know that im better then that and sooo are sooo many other people who do such things
my thery is that if ur relationship is somehow not satifying enough where u have to turn elsewhere for something more...then they should do something more then find an outlet to repres it on becouse all in all in the end that is simply just avoiding the situation
I think people who have affairs generally go into it thinking they can keep it a secret and noone will find out about it.My Father had an affair on my Mother and I was never aware of it untill I grew up...However, that does not mean I was not affected by it.I can look back at the time period and say that is where it all began and that I was a child that was happy at home untill then.I may not of known just what exactly was going on, but that did not mean I didn't get a sense that things were totally messed up and because I didn't know exactly what was taking place it left me feeling very confused.Now, that I know I can not look at my Dad in the same light and I know he is not a bad person he just made a mistake but that he could never have imagined how it profoundly had a negative impact on my siblings and myself and you can just imagine what it did to my Mom.
exactly. i was 15 when my mom started cheating on my dad, me and my sister picked up on it really quickly. now when we look back and and talk about it with my lil bro who was like 8, he says he didn't know exactly what was going on but he always knew there was something. i think most people do go into it thinking they aren't going to get caught, but then sooner or later they get lazy and start leaving behind all types of clues. i think if you are going to have an on going affair most of the time you are going to get caught up so you better be prepared for how its going to affect peoples out looks on you. like you i can never look at my mom the same way again. when you keep making a conscience desicion like that to me it doesn't just effect the husband and wife, but they are doing that to the whole family. after seeing what it does to the family i could never do that to my kids. like you, my siblings and i were so greatly impacted......so i don't even want to think about what it did to my dad.
Well, since no one want to admit to being involved in affairs, perhaps I will step up and receive all your insults for my mistake. Yes I was involved in a affair with a married woman. She was about 10 years older then I. We both were deeply attracted to each other. Ofcourse she was a co-worker of mine and affairs get lifted more at work then anywhere else. We kept talking to eachother, more and more until she wanted to see me after work in her car. So we did and she confessed to me about her desires with me and was emberrased to confess. Her confession included her marriage and 2 kids. Her marriage was a standard marriage. Then after her confession, I to confessed to her on how much I wanted her. And it took 2 confessions to began an exclusive affair.Hormones, feelings, and affection got involved in our minds and therefore, this affair has made us learn things about insecurity and honesty. I know that when I get married, this event might come to past, until it does, I'll remember and "try" to accept it. I'll just have video cameras around my room and living room just in case, lol. This affair is about 2 years old and to present time, we are speaking mutually. I guess what we had will stay secretly in our lives. She knows and I know that we both were doing wrong.
-"God, please forgive me".
FWIW-
I've been cheated on.... words cannot describe the feeling of betrayal and deceit. The person I felt was my soulmate, shared my bed, shared morning coffee, a goodbye kiss when we left for work, received my understanding and patience and support when she was down.... the person I loved and "loved me" .... was soaking up the best of me, yet giving it to him.
If you want to deliver the worst imaginable gesture of horrifying emotion to the one you pretend to love, just cheat. You will get caught, and your guilt (however strong it may affect you) will be a metaphorical teaspoon in the ocean of hurt that you have caused.
Wow, such a good way to put it. I've been cheated on and the above is precisely why I could never do it to anyone elseQuote:
Originally Posted by snooty
You werent the only one... I was ripped apart too for having an affair.. we know its bad .. ya know? lolQuote:
Originally Posted by Nice Lover Boy
i wouldn't call it getting ripped up. i would say it was being politely reminded that it's bad :)
You know whats interesting about this thread...
I thought you did rip me up... infact I really thought you had a comment about the whole thing.. but actually... you didnt comment on me at all? Wow.. thats strange I could have sworn there was a comment from you.
Wierd...
i think it's all about treating the other person the way you want to be treated. married or not married. i would feel so hurt if my boyfriend were to give his time or his affection to another woman, as he would be hurt if i gave these things to another man. i agree with nomas, just because you decide you want to be with someone does not mean that you can control what they do or even try to control them. if you want to be with someone forever, that person is going to make mistakes and both people will have to deal with them. it's all about what you're willing to tolerate. some people are able to forgive cheaters and some are not. i'm one of the latter. i've been cheated on and it was the demise of our relationship. i don't even know if they actually had sex but he kissed her and gave her time and attention, those things are included in my definition of cheating. i tried to forgive and forget and it didn't work. i've never cheated on a boyfriend (although i'm a big flirt) and i figure if i don't want him to do it, i don't want him to do it to me. flirting is a whole other thing to me. i don't do in front of my boyfriend and he doesn't do it in front of me.
but let's face it, shit happens. people cheat, there's no safe bet. hilary clinton could handle it, but i can't.
as for people messing around with married people, i blame the married person. they're the ones being unfaithful. the other parties are naive. i don't mean to offend you blue, i'm sure you're a bright person, but the cheater can lead a person to think that their relationship could possibly go further, you know?