Jealousy ruins my life.. :(

Im 20 years old and have had my fair share of heartbreaks.. Not only in relationships with men.. but family also.

My jealousy plays a huge part in my life, it ruins every relationship i have ever had.. It usually starts off just fine.. And as soon as i get serious with someone.. My jealousy becomes over powering.. Just with their past relationships, past sexual experiences. I cannot handle it.. And i can be having an amazing romantic night with my loved one.. And an image will pop into my head then my mood will completely change. I get so angry, so hurtful and hateful..

Now i understand the fact that i cannot change the things that happened in the past.. It doesnt mean anything at present.. And it doesnt affect us as a couple but it doesnt matter how logically i think.. it still makes me sick to the point that i feel im about to puke.

It happened with my daughters father.. I found someone new.. someone who has always been relatively good to me.. And now its happening with him. I know how its going to play out..I am going to get so jealous it takes over my life.. I will take the relationship and trash it completely so i dont have to feel it anymore.. then il be alone and regretful.

What can i do to help myself? I dont know what else to do, i cannot keep living this way..
My partner say everything about me is perfect.. Then there is my jealousy.. its the only ugly part of me..he is so right..
Please help :(

Next time you feel it coming on, remove yourself from the situation and count to ten. Try and distance yourself. Then think of something that is positive or makes you happy. If you keep doing this every time, you will retrain your brain to look at the situation differently.

redirect your energy towards something else, try thinking positive thoughts.

Im going to keep trying, but usually when i am in that mind frame nothing will stop me from thinking about it.. It always escalates.. *sigh*

What is it exactly that makes you feel jealous? What steps have you taken to stop this from happening?

Well, my partner has been with quite a few women before we got together.. And we are in such a small town where everyone has grown up together.. Its quite hard not to be in the same group of friends as the women hes been with.
I know what hes done and who with because of stories.. etc
He hasnt really done anything at all to make me feel this way apart from being a little unsensitive at times, but its just that 'knowing' that kills me? If that makes sense? It will be him kissing me, or us been in bed together and an image will pop into my head of him being with another woman doing the same thing we are doing. Although i know it makes no sense to feel like this, its me that hes chosen to be with and love.. I just cannot shake the images of him, images and scenarios that i have made up in my mind. I will instantly change my mood and shut mysef off from him.. Which results in him becoming frustrated with me.. I tried a different approach, to explain what i was feeling instead of just shutting off and acting like there was completely no love between us. That just caused him to get angry and annoyed even more which causes us to argue and start being hateful.
It happens alot when we are apart too, i just think about these scenarios over and over.. Ugh..

The only way i know il stop feeling like this is to get over him and not love him anymore.. But i love him too much to let go.. So i feel.. stuck.
Its almost like a disease, it riddles me with these horrible thoughts.. Im not sure what to do about it.. Iv been trying to deal with it so long..There seems to be nothing that helps.

Ok, so your answer to my second question is "nothing." You've done nothing to try to stop yourself from feeling this way. Two people in this thread gave you two different techniques for stopping this and you basically said, "Sigh, I can try, but I just know it won't work." If you don't actually *do* anything to stop then of course nothing is going to change.

Well no.. I said there is nothing that helps me to stop feeling this way..Like i said I run through my mind all the logical thoughts that i should be thinking, For example.. 'Hes with me.. why does this bother me if he *chooses* to be with me..despite my issues'.. or.. 'It was before we even met, i cannot expect him to have no past'.. Things like that i will try to think about when i am in that kind of mood.
Yes obviously i am going to try these 2 techniques that have been given to me to try.. When i am in that mood.. What i am saying is so far.. Nothing has helped. But yes.. the 2 helpful answers before i will definitely be trying out. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by JadenMia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well no.. I said there is nothing that helps me to stop feeling this way...

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No...You can't say there's "nothing" that helps you to stop feeling this way because you've only tried one thing (which was attempting logical thought, though I'm not sure that even counts as trying.) It didn't work for you. There are hundreds of other things you can do, but you're being defeatist and closed-minded about it. Stop it. Make an effort. Try different things, such as:

-the other suggestions in this thread
-the rubber band technique
-taking out your issues via exercise
-change of diet
-therapy

etc.

Your logical brain is smarter and more powerful than your stupid emotions. Make sure you know which is boss.

Are you insecure? I can only assume you have trust issues.
To me, it's rather pointless trying to redirect or 'manage' negative feelings, they usually have a reason for being stronger than possitive, and I would suggest spending some time figuring out why -you- feel this way. I don't think it has much to do with your partners, or ex's, etc. They make have started it, but at the point where it wants to run your life, it's a personal issue.

One thing is to get over past experiances. They're done, and gone. They might happen again, but you're not improving your chances by living past emotional states.

Yeah its definitely a personal issue.. I am insecure and have low self esteem, which i believe its better than it used to be after hours of therapy and trying to find my inner peace.. The only time i am truly happy is when im at home alone with my daughter.
I think i may have a fear of being left alone.. Im not sure really.
I do yoga daily and have a very good diet so im not sure they will really help anymore than what they are doing. My therapist always said when the anger rises and i get upset to do something to take my mind away from the situation, which for me is reading a book or playing a video game, but when i am in the midst of these emotions i cannot even focus on anything like that.

They may seem like stupid pointless emotions to people, but they honestly dont seem so stupid when im upset by them. It can seriously turn into a mini breakdown.
I would like to sit down and at least understand why i feel this way... I just really dont know what or how to figure it out. The only thing i really hate about myself is my body.. The changes after giving birth to my daughter i really cant look at myself without cringing and knowing no man could look at me and think wow.. they must think eww.
I just feel quite lost but i will be trying out different things when this starts up..

Thanks again guys it means alot.

I don't know completely, but I think you should start with finding what the problem really is and fixing it the best you can. This won't happen overnigh, but still try hard and have confidence in your abilities.

I suggest seeking help from an NLP Coach or attending an NLP Practitioner course. Just make sure the coach/trainer is licensed by Richard Bandler, the co-creator of NLP.

You do have a lot to process, and more therapy is certainly needed.

For now, you need to learn how to stop yourself from getting to the point where your emotions are so intense you cannot focus on anything else. Emotions don't go from cool to hot in an instant there is build up (even though it may feel at times like it just happens).

First thing you need to have 'on hand' -so to speak- is as many examples as you can gather of why this man is fantastic. Think of these as often as you have a spare moment, any time you are thinking about self improvement. Force these thoughts into your head. Let the happiness that these memories carry flow through you.

Next, when ever you have an image flash in your head, replace it with one of your 'on hand' memories. If it comes back, replace it again. If the image evolves, evolve your memory. It will get to a point where the image will crop up and be replace without a second thought.

The hardest thing to accept in these scenarios is that you CHOOSE to feel this way. From what you have said I think this is a self protection mechanism. You think this is guy is too wonderful for you, so you're trying to drive him away.

I hope I have helped.

It was quite a while ago i posted this, it was good for a while. My relationship was getting better after i was trying to re-direct myself from thinkng this way.. My jealousy was a lot better for a while but my relationship turned completely sour.
Maybe it was my fault it happened although he turned out to be not so wonderful.. I am still with him, i cant find the strength to leave him though, i have tried it and acted strong a few times. But both times it has blown in my face so not feeling it to try leave again.

My jealousy is worse than ever and the paranoia of him cheating on me is driving me insane. It has actually been really bad the last few days. I was trying to be good to him, to make the relationship work, to try build trust between us so we could be happy again. It has left me with no friends, no life.. I feel miserable. I cant sleep, i cant eat, i feel sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears and im not sure why. While i have been trying all this time to help us, he has been doing nothing and i am so angry. He has gone behind my back and is not making any effort at all.. It makes me feel completely worthless and stupid for trying so hard.
If i get in this state, in the past, i used to just try sleep it off. I used to feel relatively better about things and be able to think straight when i woke up. These past few days have been terrible and have been waking up in the exact same mood. I am upset to the point of breaking at ny minute.. I think i need some help.. Or at least i would like some help.. A friend..anything.

I am just desperate to be happy again.. I dont know what is going on :(

I am the same! except my boyfriend my first reationship so I was hoping that was the reason but I can understand how you are feeling. I used to drive myself crazy thinking of his past and now I am better with this (took year and a half) but I admit now I am worried that he may meet someone else, cheat etc but guess what so could I and that makes me feel better.

You shouldn't judge a man past, you have a past and at your age not many girls have a child etc so how can you judge? you just can't.

You have your child, you should be happy you have her. Men can come and go but he is not your be all and end all of life. We can all if we wanted too leave our partners and find a new love, its just the way life is. You need to stop being so scared, if he cheats its his lost and your move on. You should start thinking like this.

You are placing everything on him and thats why you are so insecure.

I know :( i have never been like this. I dont get mad about his past at all anymore either, that was a time i had found out he had slept with a friend of mine back in school and the way i found out was just quite embarrssing. I just had to come to terms with it and i totally didnt judge him for it.. It just kind of upset me back then. I dont really care about things like that anyway, he isnt my first relationship and i have never been like this with anybody so it is just so frustrating. We split up before.. And recently got back together. Since the, he has lied to me twice about stupid things and now i am completely paranoid whenever i am not with him. Its getting over the top and its just upsetting me that I am like this.
I realise that i am revolving my whole life around him. He will never come before my daughter, that is one thing. I am happy i have her, and i try not to worry about him.. But i cannot help it. I dont know, i am just super frustrated. I am trying to take myself out of the situation when i feel like this and today it helped.
Its just the paranoia, i dont know what the hell is going on with me, i am just kind of worried about myself. I could laugh when i think about it.. There has been a few examples lately that i have been CERTAIN, mean something.. A text from somebody, a comment, anything. That i have thought, woah, wait, and made up a stupid story in my mind that he was lying to me/ cheating. When i find out the truth behind what i was worried about.. I think 'wow, what was i actually thinking' lol.. Its just worrying me that i am being THIS paranoid. But, his lying lately has not helped one bit..

I am not saying put 100% trust in him. I personally would never trust a partner 100% and you should always keep an eye on things but you need get point where you need to think, if he cheats then that is his lost and I WILL meet someone else who really loves and respects me.

I think you are getting to that point, just keep at it. Keep your mind from running wild

Yeah, i think if it keeps going like this i am just going to get sick of it eventually and start to care less. I am the same way, i dont think anyone can trust a person 100% either. Thanks alot :) Im just going to keep my head high and work on keeping myself busy to stop myself going insane lol

Have you ever heard of Law of Attraction and the movie The Secret? A very interesting aspect of the Law of Attraction is that everyone and everythig around you is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings. This means that you are completely in charge of your experience, all the ones you like and all teones you don't.

It may be too big a step to deal with insecurity and self worth directly, but you can take small steps by noticing the things that make you feel better. The more time you spend thinking about the things you like,the better you feel. Eventually, you can start looking at what you like about your partner. It is the things you like in others that are the things you like about yourself. Pay attention to what others show you about yourself. It life's magic mirror!1

yup jealousy is a devil's weapon to damage relationships!

just learn from your mistakes

Your like my girlfriend keeps jealous about every single girl that I speak with.

It happen in our first few months then we broke up and after a week we reunited.

I can personally relate to some of the details you've posted about your jealousy issues. I used to be controlled by my envious emotions too, but once I found the root of the problem, I have improved significantly. For me, the root was that I wasn't comfortable and confident with myself and I continued to feel lost without a true identity. The first step, which you have taken, is recognizing the problem and wanting to change. Second is understanding your personality and loving who you are. I recommend reading about the enneagram; I recommend the book The Wisdom of the Enneagram. It helps you understand what makes you tick, what ticks you off, and can really be integrated to help you nurture your personality. In discovering who I am, it has helped me love and appreciate who I am and realize that my significant other appreciates who I am as well.

Also, it helps to put things in perspective at times. When you feel jealous, step back and try to think, "If he loves me, he won't do anything to hurt me. If he does, it is his mistake, and I am my own strong person." And of course, always take things with a grain of salt and SMILE a lot. I know this might sound cliche, but I hope it helps!

Think about this for a minute. You mentioned you had a daughter, right? What kind of example do you want to set for her as a women dealing with men. If she hears you fighting with men because of thoughts you have in your head, how is she going to learn how to deal with the men that enter into her life. You have to realize that when you go through a pregnancy and deliver a human being, your whole life changes. Your thoughts change, your mood changes, your reactions change. So, maybe you need to spend sometime to yourself for awhile and look at your life now that you have added another life to it and figure out what you really want. What are your goals, dreams, and desires? What do you want for your little girl? Who do you want in your life..in her life? Your life is just beginning. Enjoy it! IF you feel like you need to talk to someone, seek out a good family therapist. Best Wishes to you and your family.

your jealousy comes from insecurity

I was wondering if you are on some sort of birth control? I know this is a random question, but I used to have a similar issue. Always jealous....It made me clingly, angry, and depressed. It would often feel like I was driving away my partner. I was aware I was acting like a crazy person, but I could not stop it.

After I stopped taking my birth control and monitoring my "hormonal" time of the month it made all of the difference. Along with caring about myself and feeling more confident, I was able to stop acting jealous in new relationships. It might have something to do with hormones. You feel completely helpless and out of control.

Just another idea. Remember if it ever did happen, then it was not meant to be. He does not deserve you if it does.. KEY word IF lol. Remember to enjoy the time you have, then you can be mad if it ever happens. Also think back to if you ever had issues with your own father and abandonment. Sometimes unresolved problems with your father can make it difficult to trust other men. Learn to forgive and acknowledge it if this is the case.

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Originally Posted by Beautyw6737 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was wondering if you are on some sort of birth control? I know this is a random question, but I used to have a similar issue. Always jealous....It made me clingly, angry, and depressed. It would often feel like I was driving away my partner. I was aware I was acting like a crazy person, but I could not stop it.

After I stopped taking my birth control and monitoring my "hormonal" time of the month it made all of the difference. Along with caring about myself and feeling more confident, I was able to stop acting jealous in new relationships. It might have something to do with hormones. You feel completely helpless and out of control.

Just another idea. Remember if it ever did happen, then it was not meant to be. He does not deserve you if it does.. KEY word IF lol. Remember to enjoy the time you have, then you can be mad if it ever happens. Also think back to if you ever had issues with your own father and abandonment. Sometimes unresolved problems with your father can make it difficult to trust other men. Learn to forgive and acknowledge it if this is the case.

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Hey thanks for the advice, i wrote this such a long time ago i forgot about this post! I broke from this relationship, it turned out to be a very horrible relationship and now i understand why i felt so jealous about everything.. I think when i find a man who will treat me right then i wont have these silly illusions and wories about my partner ditching on me etc..
I was also on BC so it could have been a big problem, iv stopped it now and i do indeed feel alot better in myself and my hormones stay in check.
I do also have issues with my father too... Up until i was 16 i believe a man was my dad who i had lived with and loved my whole life.. But a man popped up on facebook and told me he was my real father. When i confronted my mother about it, the truth came out and it turns out this random man IS my dad.. rather than who i thought was..
It was like the ultimate betrayal for me, every one of my family member knew about it but me and i just felt so lost.. It was a long time ago now but i still feel that pain as if it was yesterday. I swore i would never trust anyone again since then, if my whole family who i am supposed to love and trust could lie to me that way, i just figured that everyone probably would.
I do need to go seek councelling for this i realise, i think i am going to my doctor to figure it out..
Thanks for the feedback :)

... And yet another shitty and life altering story from the bowels of Fvckfacebook! ...

I'm sorry that happened to you Jaden.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... And yet another shitty and life altering story from the bowels of Fvckfacebook! ...

I'm sorry that happened to you Jaden.

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No doubt eh! Facebook is honestly just a big cause for trouble, drama and bullshit. Ugh. Thanks though!

JadenMia, you've been here a few months now, so I'm going to start by saying I usually enjoy your posts.

But, this thread? Its completely ridiculous, like you've watched too many garbage tv sitcoms like Sex in the City or Friends. "You've had your fair share of heartbreaks"?? LOL. You are *20*, barely out of high school w/perhaps a year or two of college behind you. This 'jealousy that is ruining your life'? You are creating your own drama. Ref above about too much negative tv influence. Do yourself and those around you a favour: stop taking yourself so seriously. You don't even know what you don't know. You haven't even begun to live, much less ruin your life.

Try to find some larger goals for yourself. A larger perspective. The world is a much bigger place than you seem to realize. People with the kinds of issues you describe are extremely small-minded and I think you are better than this.

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Originally Posted by JadenMia [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

H
I do need to go seek councelling for this i realise, i think i am going to my doctor to figure it out..

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I think based on your history this^ is an excellent suggestion. Its likely the reason you are focussed on the wrong type of things.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

JadenMia, you've been here a few months now, so I'm going to start by saying I usually enjoy your posts.

But, this thread? Its completely ridiculous, like you've watched too many garbage tv sitcoms like Sex in the City or Friends. "You've had your fair share of heartbreaks"?? LOL. You are *20*, barely out of high school w/perhaps a year or two of college behind you. This 'jealousy that is ruining your life'? You are creating your own drama. Ref above about too much negative tv influence. Do yourself and those around you a favour: stop taking yourself so seriously. You don't even know what you don't know. You haven't even begun to live, much less ruin your life.

Try to find some larger goals for yourself. A larger perspective. The world is a much bigger place than you seem to realize. People with the kinds of issues you describe are extremely small-minded and I think you are better than this.

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yeah, lol I know this. I remember it was quite a while ago that i posted this, id had a bad night, bad fight with the chap and i remember looking online to find this site and i asked about it because of things my boyfriend had been saying. Now i see that my boyfriend had a habit of making me feel down and insecure, as you have probably read i found out his true colours and i see a lot of what i was thinking and believing wasnt really reality..
I didnt mean heartbreak by love or anything. I have only had 2 relationships.. I meant other things really, i had a shitty upbringing, a few serious incidents in my life and for the record i dont watch TV either. lol

What i do realise what you have said though, is that when i was with my ex, i made him my entire life, i really didnt have a life outside of our relationship and thats the way he liked it. Since then, i have realised the world is my oyster, so to say, and i can do whatever i please and i can acheive anything i put my mind to. I tend to try not read these older posts because of how messed up i sound.. Like, im actually pretty proud at how far iv come since then... lol thanks though.

Oh my bad then. I didn't check the original post date. As for the shitty upbringing, sadly a lot of people have had such so its not really a valid excuse for anything. Frankly, once one is an adult most ppl don't give a crap. Kind of like the gov't, which expects you to pay your taxes no matter how bad your childhood was.

Oh no, i dont use my shitty upbringing for an excuse for anything at all. I try make the best of what i have been given and i actually dont really pay too much attention to the past, that was just what i meant by 'heartbreaks'.. Again though, this post was just an outcome of a shitty time with my ex and i was looking for advice. And i do feel like i have gotten so much better from this point in my life. It actually makes me giggle a tiiny bit to see how brainwashed and disfunctional i was.
I dont feel anything like this anymore, the way he made me feel about everything was..well.. just shit. lol
I would still like to see a councellor though, just to make sure i can heal properly from that stupid, toxic relationship and just to be able to see clearly again. :) thanks.

I know all about jealousy destroying life. My first girlfriend, the one I thought to be the love of my life and blahblah unknowing teenager, cheated on me, and lied about pretty much every aspect of her life. Whether my jealousy/trust issues stem from that, or they were already there I do not know.
I do know they have caused some serious problems in other relationships.

Shrinks aren't for me. Learned to deal with them on my own. Eventually I just told myself to stop driving myself crazy and ignore any but the very deepest of jealousy/insecurity issues. And of those very deepest I will talk to a closest friend about to see if they might be grounded in the least. If my closest friend then says I'm being a baby, I'll put it in the back of my mind.
Yes, such issues will bother me, but they bother me less than they used to. More importantly, I won't bother my partner with them.

I used to have trust issues but when I had a "insecurity attack" I would talk to my current gf. She would listen, and only sometimes comment "Well, I'm not those other girls, and I'm still here, aren't I?" and that's exactly what I needed. I kept doing this until I felt better about the relationship and my insecurities went away. I believe, JadenMia, that you are currently single. Do you have another friend who is wise that you can talk to?

Now I'm highly confident, happy, and have found a similar confident, happy woman.

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Originally Posted by bulrush [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I used to have trust issues but when I had a "insecurity attack" I would talk to my current gf. She would listen, and only sometimes comment "Well, I'm not those other girls, and I'm still here, aren't I?" and that's exactly what I needed. I kept doing this until I felt better about the relationship and my insecurities went away. I believe, JadenMia, that you are currently single. Do you have another friend who is wise that you can talk to?

Now I'm highly confident, happy, and have found a similar confident, happy woman.

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Yep im single now, and ALOT happier this way. I no longer feel those aching insecurities of other people being better than me, sometimes il feel envious at a womans hot bod, but thats about as far as it goes. Now i think about it, i think he was just very manipulative in the ways he put me down and i always kind of felt it was my fault and then he would then make me feel like a shitty girlfriend for being insecure.. He would say random comments about how i should work out more, 'because thats how girls get nice asses'..
Now i feel SO much better, i have men tell me how great i am, guys left right and centre telling me how beautiful i am and how much better i deserved than him etc.. Its nice to hear compliments! Makes me feel more appreciated and i now no longer feel like i need that to have any reassurance off anybody, i can look in the mirror and think.. "yup! Im the best".. :) Thanks for all the feedback.

Hey Jaden, I know completly how you feel. Im 29 yr old and girlfriend is 49. I cheated on her before and she forgave me. Now she keeps talking to a guy at work that she says is gay. She texts him, calls him, and facebooks him. I picture her cheating on me and I feel like breaking the guys kneecaps. I live with her and its really bothering me just like it is doing for you. My opinion is if he is going to cheat, let him and If he does leave him. If my girl cheats on me she is done, no questions asked, I hope this helps. Try to be HAPPY girl ok