Now I'm really pissed off at him. Sorry followed by a BUT doesn't count as sorry.

Story:

Dinner 2 nights ago. Sister asked what color the wedding would be. Responded didn't know. But I really wanted black bridesmaids dresses. She shreiked saying "you can't black is bad luck!" ok, whatever I was less than thrilled. Then finace pipes in... no we're not. No way, nope nuh uh. Umm okay. I say "Ok, we'll see. Let's talk about this later". He goes on and on Nope, we're not going to talk, no you will not have black. There will be some things you don't like and will axe them too this is mine, NO BLACK. I keep saying we'll see, lets talk about this at home in private. He just keeps shaking his head. This does not make me happy. Actaully I'm straight up pissed off. Don't do this in public in front of your family. Don't axe what I really want just like that with little respect or regard. Fair would be to have a discussion at home.

*a week or so prior* was the first time I mentioned black dresses. I knew he wasn't thrilled about it, but I said I'll show you it's prettier than you're thinking, take a look at some pictures then we'll talk some more. He still wasn't impressed but he seemed open to the possibility. He agreed to look at the pictures.

Then last night:
I walk into the computer room and say I want to talk about how dinner went, specifically when I was asked about the wedding and your reaction. I explain that I was upset my dress choice was not considered at all, we won't even talk about it and that he just veto'd me and sorta put me to shame in front of his family. I wanted my choices to be considered or his reasons to be explained. Didn't think that's too much to ask for. I told him I can compramise. I told him it was less about the color of the dress itself and more HOW he talked to me. He said "I'm sorry... BUT" this is his but:

"You should have known! I don't react strongly to many things but black dresses is one of them. I don't understand why you need to know why!? It doesn't matter why! I don't want it, so we're not having it. You shouldn't have to ask why you should just accept that I feel strongly about it and that be it. And I don't understand how you could have NOT known I was still open to the idea after the first time you mentioned it. I hated it and said no then. I only said I'd look at the dresses becasue I was being nice. I was never ever going to consider it."

Whoa... yeah. That was not what I was expecting. I honestly had no idea when I first mentioned it that was his version of a "strong reaction". And he sure *seemed* open to at least a discussion. I told him sorry for misreading his intital reaction. To hwich he responded: "I don't know how the hell you could have mistaken that". Seriously guys, I don't know where I went wrong.

This no black thing would be a lot easier to swallow if he'd given me a reason I could understand. Instead he just freaked out. Now I don't get black dresses NOR a reason why.

I'm really hurt, and very upset. And it's not becasue I don't get my dreamy dresses, it's his complete lack of consideration and explanation!

Shit, thanks for reading if you did.

its your big day typically it is you who arranges bridesmaids dresses not him

girl, honestly, if he is that adamant about black dresses and has expressed it previously, i'd stay away from that subject. you know how they say man are from mars, there are some things that we'll never understand about them and no need to even try.

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Originally Posted by sweetkissesforu [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

its your big day typically it is you who arranges bridesmaids dresses not him

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WHAT? and it's not a big day for him?

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

girl, honestly, if he is that adamant about black dresses and has expressed it previously, i'd stay away from that subject.

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Well I admit I must have grossly mis interpreted his first reaction I admitted that to him and also said sorry in that respect. But am I really so idiot as to want to know WHY? And I know based on last night I'm never gonna know, but I'm still pretty upset and now completely confused.

I will not be asking for black again that I can promise but I'm effin' pissed off how it all went down.

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

WHAT? and it's not a big day for him?

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For the record I agree, he should have some say. But if there is a disagreement, we should TALK. No?

I can understand why he would not want black at the wedding but the way he went about it was a unfair. Make a scene in private, not in public.

i have noticed that sometimes it's better to just put issues behind you and not dicuss it again. you got his point about the black dresses and there will be many more situations like that. be ready and understanding.

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Originally Posted by hello1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I can understand why he would not want black at the wedding but the way he went about it was a unfair. Make a scene in private, not in public.

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since it's his family it's not public to him. for example i more likely to embarass myself in front of my family then someone else's.

This was in a public resturant. I would never put down his ideas in front of his family NOR mine. A discussion in our home would take place. Either way this isn't about having black dresses, what if I said pink and he did the same thing. It doesn't matter what colour I had picked out as a favorite.

Mybe I'm seeing too much into it...could be that his reaction is not so much about the black dress but in the light of an imminent marriage he must be feeling some anxiety about the way you both handle disagreements...in his mind it's possible that the black dress issue made him realise you won't always have the same opinion about things and that you are strong and opinionated...in other words it's hard for you to give up an idea when you feel stronglt about it (which is also part of your appeal I would think so)

Like most men he sometimes needs to feel that he is charge and that his view weighs heavy in the household...think about the future and the way you'll both work as a team when moving into a new house, having children, their education etc...he will need to retain some control in order to feel respected and valued...I think if you can and if it's not too much of a stretch of character for you, you should let go from time to time.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

This was in a public resturant. I would never put down his ideas in front of his family NOR mine. A discussion in our home would take place. Either way this isn't about having black dresses, what if I said pink and he did the same thing. It doesn't matter what colour I had picked out as a favorite.

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Hmm. I dunno, 68, it sounds rather strange. I can't fathom why he'd take such a hard-line approach and refuse to explain it. Very bizarre behavior. You say he's never been superstitious before, has he pulled the "I don't even need to explain it to you" crap before?

He definitely did have a little freakout there so there's obviously something about black dresses and weddings that freaks him out, I dunno.

All this drama over a stupid dress these girls are unlikely to ever wear again.

Seriously, is it worth it?

Forget about the dresses. This day isn't about who's wearing what color, anyway.

No, he doesn't normally freak out like this with ZERO explanation. His reason this time was that I should have known from his first reaction it was No then. But he didn't say No then, so I was not assuming No, I was assuming "possibly". And I explicitly apologized for grossly misinterpreted that reaction. So I'm still lost!

This is one of the first times he has done wrong and I've been the one to confront him. Most often it's me who has done wrong and he explains and I apologize or whatever. It does seem a bit WTF reacation on his part.

This sucks.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All this drama over a stupid dress these girls are unlikely to ever wear again.

Forget about the dresses. This day isn't about who's wearing what color, anyway.

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I think you missed the part where I said this isn't even about the dresses anymore. I've given up on black long before I ever even walked into the computer room to talk.

I even told him it's not even "WHAT" anymore, it is "HOW".

^^^ this is why guys find us annoying and nagging. we keep going and going. what, why, how, when they already put it behind them.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you missed the part where I said this isn't even about the dresses anymore. I've given up on black long before I ever even walked into the computer room to talk.

I even told him it's not even "WHAT" anymore, it is "HOW".

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I think you might need to just give up on this one. It doesn't seem like anything good will come from arguing with him further about it and maybe it's just some irrational fear of bad luck, dunno, but he doesn't seem to want to divulge.

I'm not sure what else you could do. I guess you could confront him about why he was a jerk about it, but that's probably not going to warrant a good response.

And as Son said, he's probably forgotten about it already. He probably thought it was fair for him not to want the color and you should respect that, just like he'd respect if you didn't want his dudes to be wearing wife beaters (not implying black BMs dresses = wifebeaters, just that the reaction would be on par.)

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think you missed the part where I said this isn't even about the dresses anymore. I've given up on black long before I ever even walked into the computer room to talk.

I even told him it's not even "WHAT" anymore, it is "HOW".

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I didn't miss what you said, girl. I just don't believe it. He already told you he didn't want black, and you brought it up again. And when he expressed more vigorously that he he was opposed, you told him you would discuss it later. He reacted to YOUR insistence that this dress ordeal wasn't over. Though I find it a little bit odd that he is so interested in the dress color, I find it more so that you would so readily disregard his obviously strong feelings about it.

Do you realize that his first reaction was not "strong"? He claims it was, I heard nothing to that effect. He just said hmmm well I dunno about that. Then I said I'll show you pictures of nice ones. He said OK. I'm supposed to take that reaction as No, god no, hell no- never talk about it again? OKay, well then that's my bad.

And I don't take kindly to my ideas being put down in front of his family. That's disrespect- isn't it? If so, you 2 are the only ones who seem to think that reaction was alright.

If you guys are arguing over the wedding then it would worry me

When I was younger, I thought that big, complicated wedding arrangements were a waste of time and an unnecessary source of stress for the couple and the families. Now I think that it's a good idea to put the relationship under some serious stress one more time before the marriage, just in case the relationship might not be strong enough to justify marriage. Better to find out now than before you walk down the aisle. Not saying that girl68's marriage is doomed or anything like that, just that it's better to face potential dealbreakers before marriage.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Do you realize that his first reaction was not "strong"? He claims it was, I heard nothing to that effect. He just said hmmm well I dunno about that. Then I said I'll show you pictures of nice ones. He said OK. I'm supposed to take that reaction as No, god no, hell no- never talk about it again? OKay, well then that's my bad.

And I don't take kindly to my ideas being put down in front of his family. That's disrespect- isn't it? If so, you 2 are the only ones who seem to think that reaction was alright.

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Didn't you post just a day or two ago that he said he didn't want black? And here you've brought it up again? To me, that sounded like you aren't letting him have a say in his own wedding.

But maybe I am remembering this wrong, and you didn't post about it a day or two ago?

Tell him you'll just get married without him.

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Originally Posted by vashti [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Didn't you post just a day or two ago that he said he didn't want black? And here you've brought it up again? To me, that sounded like you aren't letting him have a say in his own wedding.

But maybe I am remembering this wrong, and you didn't post about it a day or two ago?

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The first post was about what happened AT dinner, we didn't talk about anything. This thread is about me talking to him about what happened at dinner.

Without peering inside his head, my guess is black dresses maybe represent his anxiety over the marriage or his perceived loss of control. If he can stop you from having black dresses at the wedding, that somehow means he isn't "whipped" and can still have certain things his way, no matter how small and arbitrary they are.

That or he just REALLY hates black dresses.

Either way, strikes me as bizarre as well. You would probably be well served to focus on just his treatment of you at dinner and leave the black dress issue alone. But you're not crazy for wanting to know, I'd want to as well! (Or we're both crazy. *Deranged cackling*)

I would approach the stuff you have issues with now. Tell him in advance "I am not going to push black dresses on you, that's fine. But I need to discuss how that situation went and what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because my feelings are hurt and because I am sad to know that I misread your earlier response so poorly."

Then when you discuss, tell him that your need to know why is just as valid as his need to nix black dresses. Similarly, you have a need to save this type of discussion for private times, and maybe come up with a code phrase for "we can argue this later, not in front of this group of people." And then, talk to him about his preferences for the wedding, how involved does he want to be in planning and what specific needs and desires does he have for his big day. Which ones are adjustable and which feel really inmportant to him. Tell him the same, and maybe you will both be better able to avoid fights as you keep on planning?

It's sooo not a black dress thing, I have about 12 and worn them plenty and he loves them. Never once mentioned how much bad luck it was! LOL, and I wear them to weddings as well, never a word in edgewise... Whatever, I'm cleaning. When I'm pissed off I clean. He'll get an idea just how pissed off I am when the house is sparkling clean.

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Originally Posted by Take2 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And then, talk to him about his preferences for the wedding, how involved does he want to be in planning and what specific needs and desires does he have for his big day. Which ones are adjustable and which feel really inmportant to him. Tell him the same, and maybe you will both be better able to avoid fights as you keep on planning?

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I tired asking him (not last night) what parts are important guess what? "nothing baby, whatever you want..." and now this. You know I hope it's holiday stress, that would make this a lot easier to take. He's stressed, blew up and whatever.

Well... talk number 2 went better. He came in sat down and apologized. I asked if he knew why I was upset, he said he did and that he was sorry for making me look like a fool at dinner, putting down my idea, and embarrassing me that night in public. I accepted his apology of course.

Then he told me the *real* reason he was upset. It had very very little to do with black dresses. He said something to the effect that I don't seem like I listen or that he feels like I don't care about him when he's talking. And of course I do but I've failed showing him obviously. I can admit sometimes I'm not all that interested in what he's saying because it IS boring to me. Or I basically just don't understand when it gets technical. It was a lot to take in, and lot to process as I thought all this time I was actually doing quite well and didn't hear a word in edgewise, so one can only assume! Either way I got a little quiet withdrew a bit as some do when criticized. I told him though whatever the news: good or bad he has to share! I might not be smiling, but letting it fester does us both in for a fight. So he sort of agreed that he has got to speak up more and not falsely tell himself he'll get over it. This has happened more than once in fact several times. Where I did something that pisses him off and he *thinks* he can let it go or get over it but never really does. But he'd rather let it fester than have me be quiet and withdrawn if he tells me. I say that my reaction is temporary and I'll get over it but he must tell me.

And the end note for me was telling him how to properly veto if he must. He has to speak up and tell me just how not cool he is with an idea and give me a hint as to why. He can't play the nice guy and pretend like my idea might be considered when in his own head it won't be. Again I stressed I might no be pleased the moment you tell me but I also won't yell, demand, or generally be nuts. So he most certainly agreed he'd be more vocal in the future about what he likes, dislikes and WHY.

All in all we both screwed up and we'll both do a little work for the future. And there won't be beautiful black dresses rather something we can both be somewhat pleased with.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

And there won't be beautiful black dresses rather something we can both be somewhat pleased with.

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This made me LOL. Such a womanly way of putting it, "my fantastic idea might not be happening but I guess with his input it'll be okayish." Hehehe. Glad you two talked it out. Hope you worked it out after. Winkwink.

you *DO* know black is THE most simming color right? Black is classic, black will never be out of style, those are 2 reason I adore black, always have always will. I don't think it will look AS good, but my girls are really pretty so I could put them in garbage bags and they'd be hot. I'm not the bride who says make my maids look ugly so that I will look better in contrast (I've heard a bride say this :S)

... going for silverish or a grey or something similar. I like SHADES... not bight color, I leave that to shoes and flowers :P

oh my god, shut up.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you *DO* know black is THE most simming color right? Black is classic, black will never be out of style, those are 2 reason I adore black, always have always will. I don't think it will look AS good, but my girls are really pretty so I could put them in garbage bags and they'd be hot. I'm not the bride who says make my maids look ugly so that I will look better in contrast (I've heard a bride say this :S)

... going for silverish or a grey or something similar. I like SHADES... not bight color, I leave that to shoes and flowers :P

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Only if the garbage bags weren't black, or the future-hubby would flip. LOL.

No, I'm with ya; black is ****ing hot. A woman in a black dress of any sort does nice things for me (in my pants, I mean.) :P

I'm sure you'll figure it out, you've still got like a year and a half or something, right?

LOL yeah. Just under a year and a half. I know I know I'm eager... LOL.

I'm down for another colour if that's how he needs it to be. I want to marry him not the black dress. :) MAKE UP SEX!!!!...................... if I'm not to wasted. Because right now, I'm plastered. LOL.

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Originally Posted by Charlie Boy II [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

oh my god, shut up.

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I could, but it's more fun to annoy you. Cheers, *swig*.

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Originally Posted by girl68 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

LOL yeah. Just under a year and a half. I know I know I'm eager... LOL.

I'm down for another colour if that's how he needs it to be. I want to marry him not the black dress. :) MAKE UP SEX!!!!...................... if I'm not to wasted. Because right now, I'm plastered. LOL.

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The important thing is whether or not HE'S too wasted. If you're too drunk and pass out, at least he can still get his. And you'd talk less. :P

He skiing...