Should I be critical???

This is for all of the ladies. I just finished reading a forum from another website that was ripping this poor guy to shreds! Do you know what the topic was? It was should I leave my girlfriend because she won't loose weight. I would like to share my current situation and opinion.

Ladies would you agree that relationships are the combination of physical, mental, and spiritual connection? If you have those three things, it is pretty certain that you have found your soul mate. Now I figure that for most relationships, this is what happens at the beginning, but what about longevity wise? What happens after it has been 1 year, the lady of the relationship starts to feel comfortable? She starts to put on some weight and to the male attraction starts to leave the picture? What then?

I'm currently in the same situation with my lovely girlfriend. Let me emphasize this, I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND! I love her to death. And I'm starting to feel distressed because physically I'm starting to loose physical, sexual attraction with her. This is something that I can't hide. During the day we joke around, play around, laugh, snuggle, cuddle, kiss but when it is time for real intimacy... problem comes in. My friend down stairs doesn't get excited enough. So what happens then, she gets frustrated. Now I have already told her how much I value fitness. I could understand if I was a slob and let myself go, but I workout regularly and hardcore. She looks at me often like she wants to devour me. I use to feel the same way about her but she's put so much weight on I can't help it. So am I shallow because the man downstairs will no longer cooperate?

Women often say you should love your woman no matter what. Well I do love her but let me ask you this? Let's say you were dating this guy for a year abstaining from sex. Everything is absolutely great! He makes a sufficient amount of money, he's handsome, generous, caring, loving and a romantic. The night has finally come for some real physical romance! Blood is pumping and you're so excited you can't stand it. He pulls his pants down and it's no bigger than a inch and it's fully erect!!! What now? You love him don't you? How do you feel about him now? What does the future hold for you two, be honest? Or what about if you're in a club enjoying yourself. Out from nowhere comes a guy that is the height of 5ft, and you're 5'7? Would you ignore him because he's to short? Would you even give him a chance? So you get my point, if you tell us guys that we are just shallow, then what about those examples I illustrated. PHYSICAL ATTRACTION IS ABOUT HUMAN NATURE. So I just wonder why women beat us guys up so much about this. Please can somebody educate me :)

I think males place far more emphasis on looks than females do.

Granted, looks are the initial attraction and for both sexes. Someone has to physically appeal to our eye and in order for us to want to get to know them further. But looks is not everything and looks alone do not build solid, lasting relationships
If a guy appealed to my eye, he had the personality, etc, etc and I liked him and proceeded to have a relationship with him, then it wouldn't matter to me if he put on weight - he'd still be the same guy I fell in love with....and I didn't just fall for him for his looks, but for many other qualities, traits that he may possess.

You sound far too focused on 'looks', rather than who she is as a person. You say you love her....I don't think you do. If you really loved her, the fact she gained some weight wouldn't matter and because you could overlook that and see her for the person she is. Just my opinion anyway.

Look, if she's not turning you on and refuses to do anything about it then you have two choices: stop complaiining or leave her. I'd go for option 2

Lmao. I relate!
I am a fitness FREAKKKKK. My entire life revolves around being outdoors, salads (lol) and the gym. My ex was overweight but he wanted to lose weight but his inhibition and attitude kept that from happening. He would go to the gym and then give up after a month. I would try to help him, but he took this as me 'nagging' him. Even when I'd offer him fruit out of my plate just because we share food- he would take it as an insult or something.

So, honestly, if the chick can't value something you absolutely value to the utmost degree- then that alone shows a large value distinction between you both. You guys don't live similar lifestyles. And that's a huge problem.

I think that it could be a complex issue. I have to admit, if my boyfriend started gaining large amounts of weight, it would be harder to feel sexually attracted to him. If I were sexual with him before, I would still be sexual with him. But a keg isn't going to get my hormones flying :) haha. Perhaps it could be a lifestyle issue; you really take care of yourself and care about health, and her...not so much (maybe). But also, women put on weight for various reasons (emotional eating, PMS, etc.). If you want to have your girlfriend lose weight, first LOVE and APPRECIATE her how she is NOW. I know you mentioned the sex is kind of difficult but try to try new things to spice up your sex life and try to see her as sexy the way she is now. (If you have it set in your mind that you don't find her attractive since the weight gain, your amigo downstairs obviously won't cooperate. But sometimes it's mind over matter). When she sees that you appreciate her the way she is, she might be more motivated to lose the weight, but SHE has to be the one to want to do it. If she emotionally eats and feels rejected, this might fuel the weight gain. Why has she gained weight, do you know?

Then suggest things to her, "Hey honey, wanna go stroll through the park with me? Want to do Zumba with me? I've heard it's a lot of fun." If she wants to, you guys could make working out something that you share as a couple.

If my boyfriend were overweight, I would be more concerned about his health (but I too, would know my physical attraction for him wouldn't be as high). If I DID talk to him about his weight (which would be very risky to do IMO because you don't want to offend the person) I would emphasize that I want him to be happy and healthy. "I can tell that you get tired a lot; you don't have a lot of energy. And you don't seem as happy as you used to. I want you to feel as good and comfortable in your body as possible, but I would love you if you were stick-skinny or 300 pounds (lol)"

mental, spiritual and physical connection?

what fairy tale are you in? if you could get two out of the three, you're lucky. usually spiritual doesn't figure, either, but is commonly the result of multiple orgasms.

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Originally Posted by joneagle_28 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ladies would you agree that relationships are the combination of physical, mental, and spiritual connection?

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I don't know. But this is obviously what you believe, so if one of those criteria aren't being met, then you're just not compatible. Would you push your girlfriend into changing her mental or spiritual beliefs to match yours? I would hope not. You'd get catch shit from women (and men) if you attempted to change these, as well.

You can encourage her (very smoothly) to join you in some fun physical activities and by setting good examples yourself, but you will be a Grade A Dickhead if you say anything about this to her.

Honestly though, if her physical appearance actually kills your boners, then you just aren't right for each other. You should find someone who you'll still want to bang when she's old and saggy and smells like mothballs, not only because you're old and saggy and smelling like mothballs too, but because you still love her so much that you still feel the need to **** her brains out.

Personally, I think you're exceedingly shallow.

I'm married to my soul-mate. I don't care if she weighs 120 lbs, or 320 lbs... it wasn't her body I fell in love with.

If it's that important to you, then by all means, move on. If it's not, or at least not more important than the woman, then live with it.

How much weight did she gain? And how big is she now?

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Personally, I think you're exceedingly shallow.

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Can we all make sweeeping judgements? OK, chances are since you're american you're probably fat or obese.

For some of us fat - yuk.

For the people that say I'm shallow... that is your opinion. I still do love her and I always will, but I just don't understand how people can judge when it's not only a psychological problem but now it's a physiological problem and it's not like I'm not trying. I don't chide her, disrespect her, show any less emotion or intimacy with her. She still is very much like my best friend that I can talk to for hours! We understand each other in a deeper level than I could have ever imagined. We have never had an argument in the year we have known each other. Her parents absolutely love me to death and I feel the same way about them. So trust me when I say I love her, I do love her! Not only am I concerned about the weight gain but also the health. When we were first dating we were very active. We use to play sports, hike, run, go dancing all night long. Now she can't keep up with me on any fitness level. she just lost the motivation to workout she says. She doesn't have the time and she loves to eat. So let me try to ask a better question. Has anyone here ever been in a situation with their love one where sexual performance became a problem for any reason at all? How did you feel? How did your mate feel? Forget about the reason there was a performance issue, I just want to know how you felt when there was? If you have you know how distressing this is! Both people feel a great deal of frustration and stress. One person could even become depressed! The worst part about this is it is out of your control. So yes I admit that I'm being defensive here, I don't like to be called shallow because honestly I'm not a shallow person at all! She would tell you the same thing. Two of my ex's prior to her were unattractive. So much so that even my mother and all my friends told me. I didn't care. The reason why we split is because of other issues. But yeah the bottom line is, I wanted to know how others could be so judge mental even in my situation. I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE HER THOUGH, I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS SITUATION AND I DON'T KNOW HOW IF MY BODY WON'T LET ME.

If you are not going to leave her then why ask us questions on this forum? I was married for 13 years and she get fatter and fatter. I tried everything to help her - special meals, special shopping, I'll have the kids if you want to go to the gym - result - NOTHING. So I got to the stage when I just didn't care. And all this bullshit about hormones, thyroid, DNA for most is just an excuse - eat less and exerciese more. If she won't then leave her because if she's big now give her a few years and she'll be a whale.

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Can we all make sweeeping judgements? OK, chances are since you're american you're probably fat or obese.

For some of us fat - yuk.

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That was frigging cheeky I think. They are no fatter than a lot of Brits!!!

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Originally Posted by xxazurexx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

That was frigging cheeky I think. They are no fatter than a lot of Brits!!!

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According to a quick look on the net 31 percent of americans are obese compared to 17 percent obese for UK males and 21 percent for UK women. Quite a difference then. [url=http://www.annecollins.com/obesity/uk-obesity-statistics.htm]Obesity Statistics UK[/url]
[url=http://www.annecollins.com/weight_health/obesity-rate.htm]Obesity Rate in USA[/url]

Aye, there are a lot of fatties around admittedly - which is why you all best get used to fatties...they need love too :) lol

As a woman, at this point, I couldn't be with a man I wouldn't find attractive. Of course, the "spiritual/ emotional" side is more important, especially in the long run - but I couldn't be with someone I wouldn't physically like. That's an insult.
I think you should talk to her about this...

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

According to a quick look on the net 31 percent of americans are obese compared to 17 percent obese for UK males and 21 percent for UK women. Quite a difference then. [url=http://www.annecollins.com/obesity/uk-obesity-statistics.htm]Obesity Statistics UK[/url]
[url=http://www.annecollins.com/weight_health/obesity-rate.htm]Obesity Rate in USA[/url]

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It's not 17% in the UK. It's 23%, which is the third fattest in the world.

[url=http://www.diet-blog.com/07/a_picture_of_obesity_around_the_world.php]A Picture of Obesity Around the World[/url]
[url=http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/hea_obe-health-obesity]Obesity statistics - countries compared - NationMaster[/url]

There are a couple of things that bothered me about the original poster that I think you overlooked. One of the reasons posters might have been tearing into him is because he started dating a heavier woman and lost physical attraction to her even though she didn’t change. What you’re comparing is actually two different issues. Posters (or at the very least, myself) were bothered by the fact that he dated someone already knowing what they looked like, but somehow expected them to change.

Now as far as your girlfriend goes… when you say she’s “gained weight,” what does that mean? Does that mean a few pounds, or has she gone from a size 6 pants to a size 12? How old is she? Have there been any other changes in her life; a new job? Did you two recently move in together? Has she stopped doing other activities besides just the physical ones that she previously enjoyed?

Your girlfriend’s problem might not be her weight but her emotional health. She may be depressed, which can result in a loss of interest in activities that helped keep her healthy. She may be eating as a form of stress management or emotional release. She may have taken on a new job that means she doesn’t get to move as much, or takes up more of her free time, or doesn’t pay as well so she can’t afford a gym membership or to go to the climbing wall once a week? Is she responsible for most of the households chores on a weekly basis (whether she lives with you or not)? What are the circumstances surrounding her life that may be contributing to her weight gain?

Or, this all might be a moot point, because there’s a difference between reality and your perspective. You might THINK she’s gained all this weight, when in fact it’s a mere 5 to 10 pounds, which is pretty normal, especially as age and gravity start to catch up.

I think you need to stop examining your girlfriend and take a good, hard look at your own examination of the situation. Is it biased? Is it even accurate? How accurate is it? If it is accurate, is this a deal breaker?
The fact is, losing weight is difficult. It’s nowhere near as easy as “Exercise more than you eat, you get skinny!” Age, body shape, different metabolisms and genetic factors, lifestyle… it all plays a part in the complicated question of weight gain. Good scientific studies on what contributes to weight gain are rare, and the medical community has yet to find a long term cure to “obesity.” The best you can hope for is to exercise and be healthy, and MAYBE in process you’ll look better.

I am a wonderful example of this. I’ve been working out 3-4 times a week for a month now, doing cardio and weight lifting for about an hour and a half each time. I know that SOMETHING is happening, because at my 1 month evaluation I was able to lift the same weight for more reps than previously, and I’d gone from 29% body fat to 27%. However, I hadn’t lost even a single pound, and the only physical change was losing ONE INCH over my entire body.

And guess where that inch was? My bust line. So if your girlfriend has a nice rack, you can pretty much say goodbye to it if she starts hard core working out, as that is the first place women lost weight, and the last place they gain it.

The point is, weight is a very complicated topic. Yeah, maybe your girlfriend could do with some therapy/exercise. But the real problem here is you. You girlfriend might just stay the way she is (even if she exercises, she might stay the same weight/body type she is; it’s a lot harder to LOSE than it is to gain by far) and YOU need to decide if you can accept that and accommodate, or if you’re going to toss the relationship and start fresh in the dating world.

If you do toss it, don’t expect many women to feel sorry for you. With most females, weight is a VERY touchy subject, especially as nature seemed to design us counter to what society says is attractive. Women are SUPPOSED to retain fat and roundness, biologically; perhaps not at the rate we are currently, but certainly not the other extreme of rock-hard abs and toned thighs. Hormones and pregnancy play jump-rope with women’s expectations of what we should look like and feel about our bodies for years. Add birth control on top of that, which changes a woman’s menstruation cycle and can result in some pretty drastic alterations in sexual desire and weight, and it’s a hornet’s nest of issues.

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Can we all make sweeeping judgements? OK, chances are since you're american you're probably fat or obese.

For some of us fat - yuk.

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Heh... sweeping judgements, FTW!:lol:

I'm probably carrying 20 lbs. I shouldn't... but I'm very fit. I don't drive, I bicycle everywhere. Put about 3,000 miles on my bike last year.

dont just be critical be hypercritical

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Originally Posted by Boisdevie [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

According to a quick look on the net 31 percent of americans are obese compared to 17 percent obese for UK males and 21 percent for UK women. Quite a difference then. [url=http://www.annecollins.com/obesity/uk-obesity-statistics.htm]Obesity Statistics UK[/url]
[url=http://www.annecollins.com/weight_health/obesity-rate.htm]Obesity Rate in USA[/url]

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That's also using the BMI calculations which are horrible. Upon graduation from Basic Training at 17 years old, my BMI was right at the top of the "normal weight" range for BMI. Ludicrously so - I was very fit and carrying no excess fat then.