Is it over, or does she just need space?

I had been happily seeing a woman from work for about 2 months, until a couple weeks ago when she suddenly said she couldn't deal with any dating right now. Said it wasn't anything I did wrong, and it's not because of another guy. I really didn't see this coming! I was really shook up---

I've tried to puzzle this one out: Before taking this job, she had been on sabbatical for several months, just kind of laying low. All of a sudden, she gets a stressful new job, gets a new car, finds a new apartment, starts seeing a new guy (me), and--- it all got a little overwhelming for her. She wants to take care of herself for awhile.

BTW, we don't work together, and in fact wouldn't really even see each other at all at work if we hadn't been making the effort to do so. We've also managed to stay out of the gossip quagmire so far. We didn't historically associate our relationship with work, but I fear that she now does, as work has become the prime source of her stress, and that's where she met me.

In addition to the romance, we had been instant, natural and great friends. When she announced she needed to back off, she backed away from the friendship, too. This crushed me as much or possibly more, at first, than the romantic part ending... After a couple of long talks (likely a bit of torture for her) and a "love letter" of sorts from me, our friendship is mostly back on track-- although only in the context of lunchtime at work (no hanging out after work or on weekends). She remains apathetic about any further relationship, although she reiterated that it was nothing I did, there's no one else, and she would even be sad/jealous if I were to actively start seeing someone else... Hmmm...

I'm currently taking her at her word, and simply trying to be the best friend I can be and give her the space she needs. I don't bombard her with calls, emails, or visits. It is painful for me, though, especially on weekends and other times we used to hang out.

I'm not sure at what point I should take care of myself and stop hoping that she'll come around... Heck, I'm not sure I even *can* stop hoping yet! And when we do get together as friends (lunch or whatever) we're so darn good together, but she just can't even seem to process it right now... I realize she could just be trying (in a really round-about way) to end it for good, but given what we used to have, and what she's actually said, it's easy to believe that she might come back in time.

Any thoughts? I don't really feel like looking elsewhere for friendship or anything else right now--- I really was falling in love with her, and I'm not inclined to simply give up! But it hurts just trying to be patient! :(

Thanks for reading...

mmmm;

first; thanks for well-written post. cool. second - i think she owes you an explanantion but you may not receive it. :( my sense is that you have lost all power in this relationship and need to reclaim some. if she desires space, in a strange way the best thing for you to do is give her some.

don't contact her. let her come back aqnd explain herself. meanwhile, develop other interests, both romantic and otherwise - you're too focused on someone too flaky right now.

don't get me wrong - 'the chase' rocks - but you're devaluing yourself by being too focused on her, imo. so be patient; wait; but do you're own thing while you do. *waiting should not mean paralysis.*

jmho

I agree 100% with Sleepy.

I feel for ya bud. Hope it all works out for the both of us.

Thank you for the great reply, Sleepy, and the encouragement from everyone else! That pretty much jives with what I'm feeling/planning to do... I guess this kind of experience is why someone first said, "If you love something, let it go..." (That person seriously needs to be slapped--- Just kidding!)

I took the holiday week off of work and spent some time with friends. I've missed her terribly, but what can you do... So, I'm just going to head into work on Monday, and hope that this past week was a good start for her in having some space. The worst thing that can happen is to find out she didn't really miss me and really enjoyed the time away! (ugh!) :)

Wholenote,

You a musician? What do you play?

Well, I've been playing the violin for the past few days... Sorry, couldn't resist. Gallows humor.

I play keyboards, but only in support of my composition work, which I do for a living... an "arrangers keyboardist" I believe it's called.

Awesome man. Doing allright or are you another testimony to the "starving musician" phrase?

I'm doing allright... I starved for awhile a few years ago, and I'm highly motivated not to return to that. ;)

lol.

Quote:

---

I starved for awhile a few years ago, and I'm highly motivated not to return to that.

---

I think that's a good philosophy . . .

Myself, as it says under my forum name, I play clarinet. I have a very good, stable parttime job and so want to play on the side for a little extra cash here or there. Although I do need a lot more work before getting to that point.

Rod Steele

Ya I know what you are feeling, you just have that hope that you will get back with her but you just have that deep down feeling that that may just be a very unrealistic hope and you just don't want to be let down.

Hope it all turns out well and keep us up to date.

Thanks, Zuk--- I will. She's worth hangin' for awhile and seeing if, when she's ready for love in her life again, I will still be the focus... In the meantime, she's one of my best friends, and that's worth sticking around for, too.

I don't want to be let down, but I'm not sorry for trying!!!

I just have to follow Sleepy's advice and not let myself become paralyzed in the course of waiting. Gotta take care of my own heart first, or I'll be pretty useless to everyone!

(I keep hearing in my mind that airline safety video: 'adjust your own air mask before helping someone else with theirs...')

Back to work today after about 10 days away from the aforementioned object of my affections...

Saw her straight away this morning, and got a big hug, and we went out to lunch... Got along like a house on fire, as they say... She made reference even to a great time we had had in Vegas together several weeks ago. But at any slight hint of future get-togethers outside of work, I get the blank stare. Again, it's not exactly a 'normal' rejection, more like apathy.

I pretty much stayed away from the subject, but it's hard to do that when we're hanging out. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're spending some time together, but it's so strange to edit everything I say and do.

I'm not convinced she even realizes how stressful this is to me. I think she kind of projects her own apathy on me, and doesn't really understand how much emotion I'm going through when we're together.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day...

Ok I'm feeling the first thread so maybe you guys can give me some advice on this problem:

I met this girl in a night club and straight away we hit it off, we got on really well we had our ups and downs and everything else but after two and a half years she just called me one day and said that it was over and that she didn't love me.

Here’s some background:

Her parents moved to Thailand when she started Uni 2 years ago and that was fine we saw each other pretty much every week (I used to drive over to see her). I used to put 100% of my love into the relationship and I’d still try and squeeze a bit more in.

After her folks left she got distant we talked about it and she understood and continually said that things will be better especially after Uni. During the second year things got ropey due to her doing her Uni thing which I chilled out with, I mean when you love someone you compromise I wanted to see her more but she had work to do and wanted to hang with friends.

During this time she was going away to Thailand to visit her parents which although I didn't like (as every holiday she got she was gone my birthday, xmas, new years, her birthday) I understood (their parents so of course she's going to want to see them). Then into her third year it was coming up to her birthday so I arranged a trip to Paris (Yes I paid) initially she whinged as she wanted me to change the date so that she could go and watch her friends do Jujitsu! The plans didn't change and we went to Paris she constantly said how much she loved me and always will.

A week later I got a call, I could tell from her tone that something was wrong and she just said that it wasn't working and that we should split as she doesn't love me anymore. I hung up the phone had a cigarette then called her there was no reply so I jumped into my car and drove to see her (not forgetting this is a 1 1/2hr drive) when I saw her she was crying and saying not yet she said that she wished she had met me after uni! I asked her if there was a snowball chance in hell of us getting back together even after Uni she didn’t answer but she did programme my phone to call her in August.

She wants to be friends as I always said we were best friends as well as lovers but I'm not sure. After 21/2 years I can't just go from total love to being a friend! I don't feel so bad now it's only been a week since she dumped me (friends have been keeping me upright) weekends are bad as that’s when we used to see each other. I tried going out to nightclubs but I just want her back I don’t actually want anyone else. But hey I know that's life she made her choice I can’t change that (oh by the way she did offer to pay me back for Paris).

I really really loved this girl! I mean if love were planets mine would have been a solar system and she would have been the sun. The thing is I realise things were strange as she wanted to hang out with friends Mon, Tues, Wed, Thur & Fri and do work at the weekend which meant she couldn't see me. But that was not her reason it was because she didn't love me anymore and she didn't feel excited when I came over anymore!

As I said she wants to be friends as I'm her first real love but I can't do it....No I don't want to be just a friend I have to be true to myself but it's a hard choice to make I wrote her a text saying that I don’t want to be friends and I’m going to give her the text on Sunday when I drop her clothes off! But I’m thinking should I wait and hope she wants me back (that doesn't usually happen when you fall out of love) or should I just be happy with being friends( I don't want to be just friends).

If you want I can type my text if anyone wants to read it and advise if I’m being harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

P.s. she is still receiving hallmark cards from me and I know she still reads them which is also hard as those are a window to my heart and soul telling her how I feel! I also spoke to her yesterday and she started crying as she thought I was over her. I don’t want to hurt her but like her I have to do what’s best for me now especially if there is no us!

Also for all the ladies out there how does someone just fall out of love? I don’t get it if the person your with is perfect why lose that perfection is it fear? I just don’t get it. I’m stronger now as I refuse to le5t anyone destroy my spirit but I don’t want to love again which is the worst part as I have so much love to give!

I think there's more going on than she's willing to tell you right now. In my woman's case, I think it's depression and a loss of control issue in her life. In your case, who knows?

Going off to school is a huge change in someone's life, and there's a thousand ways that can mess with a pre-existing relationship.

Many of these things can be painful to you, but clearly it already is, even without knowing the details. I think you're doing the right thing in hanging with your friends and propping up on their support.

If you talk to her, don't lash out in anger, but definately let her know that you're hurting and need to talk it through. She may refuse, in which case, you should probably cut your losses and stick with your friends and recover from this. If she'll talk, then try to find out what is weighing her down at school (or in her life outside of school) and offer your support.

In any case, take care of yourself first.

Thanks for the advice I guess we both have to take care of ourselves. We always feel we're best for thge other person but only they know whats best for them! I'm still not sure whether to remain my ex's friend. How aboput you? How is your situation? I gues the thing is you can only be true to yourself you only get one life to live so if you think there's no chance have faith (read this on a diffeerent thread) not hope, hope can bring a let down whereas faith is ongoing. Have faith that she may realise the stress she's causing as i'll have faith that my ex see's mine! Always remember the big box which says Handle with care imagine the box is your soul & love and if someone can't read the words then you will have to handle the box yourself till you find someone who can read!

I feel a lot stronger today thats the thing i'm realising when i don't speak to my ex i'm so cool thats probaby why I have never stayed friends with an ex. And your right i'm gonna stick with my friends as the have held me up when i was drowning and will continue to do this till i learn how to swim again!

Your words are so true i have to come first as do you and what you feel! Only she knows if she wishes to have a relationship but only we truly know if we can or want to be friends. You probably think I'm a bit cold about my Ex not cold just logical I dopn't want to be her friend after 2 1/2 years it'll hurt too much talking to her seeing her even speaking to her! it's good to feel the pain but it can't rule me it can't dictate to me who I am and what my next relationship is going to be like or even my friendships their all my own choices and ones I have to make with an open soul and heart. And when I love next (And I will love again) whenever that may be I will do so completly and if i get hurt I will get hurt.

How is your situation today? Not to hard I hope? Things will get better ok? I'll take care of myself you just promise to do the same!

I'm hanging in there, thanks for asking... I realize my pain comes from three things: a) I miss her; b) I worry that it's over; c) low blood sugar.

Don't laugh, but that last one is often the real truth--- and it's going to be the subject of a new thread, coming up... :)

a:It's good to miss it shows you feel!
B:I know the feeling but There's not much either of us can really do to change their mind (not helpful I know) I haven't contacted my ex since Saturday but each day does get easier! man I got to see her on Sunday and i'm still not sure about being friends!
C: Is that diabetic related as my mum was one and i know she wasn't supposed to get to stressed out about stuff!

If C is the case that means your allowing the person (not her fault) to affect you not only emotionally but physically. Maybe you should just not meet her for a while or meet her and explain the situation and tell her you just can't be around her for a while explain it's nothing she's really done but you got to put yourself first! Remember though once you tell her you can't be around her there pretty much is no room to turn back without hurting yourself!

No, I'm not diabetic or especially hypo-glycemic... I've just found that eating well, despite loss of appetite while bummed, is essential to dealing with things.

Yeah, I've thought about telling her that *I* need space, but I agree that it has it's drawbacks. Especially when I really don't want it--- it's like the rockclimbing guy who had to cut off a limb to save the rest of himself. Really a last resort, but sometimes the only real answer. I'm not ready to go there...yet.

I actually have not had a lot of contact with her this week, and I'm doing so-so. I went on a date with someone else last night, just dinner and hanging out for drinks. Nothing intense. It felt good to be getting on with things, rather than sitting around and moping, but I thought about my heartthrob a lot...a little too much, I'm sure. At least I didn't dive into a crazy "rebound sex" thing--- that would've left me feeling quite empty.

Update: it's over. Over. Over. Over.

What can I say? I was just in denial and hanging on to the notion that after she felt better about the rest of her life, she'd remember how amazing our relationship was and be able to go back.

I really was sensing that she was just being tortured by trying to be 'friends' even, with me, and I sat her down and we discussed it. She has been uncomfortable all along, and cannot explain why her feelings for me shut down. She assured me that a couple weeks ago, her feelings were on the same page as mine, but after all the work trauma, etc., she said the feelings are gone. She's feeling better about work and life, but drawing a big blank on me. :(

So, we agreed to cut everything off for the foreseeable future. Given her feelings, or lack thereof, it's a good decision. However, I'm utterly crushed and broken-hearted. To her credit, she let me say my piece and listened.

One clue into her psyche is that she's been on my end of this sort of thing several times, and while she admits that it hurts, she feels it's all pretty 'normal'. She doesn't find it unusual for one party to decide literally overnight that the feelings are gone. For my part, I don't fall out of love that easily--- hell, I don't fall out of LIKE that easily--- so I cannot identify with the notion of waking up one morning and not wanting to be with someone I've just spent some amazing, wonderful times with.

So, that's the end of my thread--- It's all over except for the grieving. I told her tonight that the only thing harder than losing a lover is losing both a friend and a lover... :(

Man i'm sorry to hear that! I have to say i like you do not understand that falling out of love stuff either I mean I don't think I ever fell out of love i'm like you I kinda love someone or I don't as do I either like someone or i don't there's no hmmmmm go to bed I love her wake up I don't! I spoke to one of my female friends who said that she has fallen out of love and she explained it to me but my brain really does not take it in at all! Yeah the eating well is essential don't turn into some kind of stick insect!

Broken hearts suck there's no cure no doctor can provide a cure no hypnotist can make it better but there is time and I guarantee that in time you'll be cool. It will hurt at first but as each day passes the feelings will ease. go on your dates but don't look at them as such (thats just pressure). Enjoy the company and remember their with you because they want to be because to them you are special & if something happens then it will, if not then it won't! Hangout with friends and family and

Man I've got to tell my ex on Sunday that I don't actually want to be friends with her because it's crap to see someone, talk to someone and laugh with someone you once/do love so much. Plus as a girlfriend she didn't really truly bring that much to my life so I'm gonna totally cut her loose. Plus as I say she has the decision if we stay together but it's mine to accept her as a friend. Plus I haven't called her since Monday and i'm not really missing hearing her voice (shew used to always talk about herself). Man I sound like some resentful guy, I'm not I'm just lucky due to my up bringing of growing up with 2 bro's and 1 sis and getting a whipping was part of life (i'm cool about my upbringing so don't sweat it) i've still got this thing where i can turn off my feelings and just not care.

Anyway YOU KEEP EATING HEALTHLY OK! I don't wanna see a thread from you saying I'm really the skinniest man alive what can i do? :)

Just a little update:

A few days after my last post (where I finally admitted to myself that it was over) I came to a real milestone in my life... I realized that I had been wanting to quit my job for awhile, and this woman was one of the reasons I had been staying around. Well, given how painful it has been to be in her general proximity, but unable to have any sort of meaningful contact, it suddenly became clear that it was time to leave.

So I gave notice, and my last day was the 17th. (No worries about work; I've got plenty going on.) I did decide that I had nothing to lose in trying to leave things on a higher note with my ex-whatever-she-was... Besides, I had a Christmas present for her that I'd bought a couple months ago.

I emailed her, and said, "in the spirit of how we met and became friends, I hope you'll have a little bon-voyage lunch with me"--- and told her I would understand if she declined, but would be honored if she accepted. She wrote right back with an enthusiastic 'yes'.

We went out the next day, and I mentioned nothing of our past, nor any emotional stuff. I told her of my future work plans, and we laughed a lot about stupid (good) everyday stuff.

I gave her two presents--- one was a CD of my music that was more "personal" than the work-related stuff she's previously heard. She really liked that, and I told her that it was the best way to remember me, as there's a piece of my soul in that stuff. The other present was a certificate for a 90-minute professional massage, which she can order up whenever she wants in her home. That went over real well, too.

Our parting words were kind and mutually supportive. My goal was, again, to leave a good last impression, as previously things could hardly have been worse. I think we accomplished that. We did promise to keep in touch--- I did tell her the only thing that would make me mad is to find out someday that she moved away without telling me. She thanked me for, as she put it, "hanging out" these past few months, and that she "had so much fun".

I sent her a 'happy holidays' email on the 23rd, but otherwise have had no further contact, and I have no plans for any more in the forseeable future.

It's been a rough couple of days, because of Christmas holiday blues type-of-thing... I think I've gone through all the stages of grieving about 4 times in the past month. The main things I'm trying to do now is to accept that she's no longer a part of my life, and to also banish from my mind and heart the lingering hope I sometimes find myself clinging to--- this tiny hope that she will have an epiphany in a few months and come back--- I know it's not worth the energy and pain to entertain such a concept. But the last few days have been really stinking hard in this respect.

I guess the holidays magnify everything. It's too easy to imagine all the amazing times we could/should be having, based upon our past. I know what she's doing, too--- there's no one else in her life, and she's just holed up, being a loner, and playing endless World of Warcraft...kind of escaping from reality, I guess.

More than one person has suggested that she's scared of a promising good relationship, and ours had enough potential that she had to run and hide. It fits, and in an odd way helps validate my sense of how good this could've been, but in the long run, the reality is that she's unavailable to me. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Oh well--- back to MY reality--- I've got a couple cool jobs lined up for January, and a little traveling. Hopefully now that we won't be in the same building every day anymore, it will be a little easier to shake her off of me.

So far, I have been entirely unsuccessful at this though... :(