In love and want to fake my own death

Hi,

I am new to this site and in need of some serious advice. I will try to summarise it as short as possible.
I am 26 years old, female and live with my parents at home. I come from quite a religious background, however I do not follow the religion anymore and my parents dont know this. I love my parents and siblings very much, but I do not want to hurt them by telling them I dont follow the religion anymore. I have had many white boyfriends whom my family would not accept. Therefore all my relationships have been hidden from them. I have suffered from depression and alcohol addiction in the past. Last year I met a white man and we fell in love, I have never been in love before, its beautiful! He knew the relationship was temporary as my family would never accept him, and I told him I would never run away as my running away would split the family apart, give my Dad a heart attack etc... However as they say, its better to have loved and lost, than to never love at all. The end of last year was lovely!! Me and him were so happy. However earlier this year, we talked about when we should split up, as we had already passed the point of no return, we argued and split up. 2 weeks after we split he got into a new relationship, which really hurt me. However he told me he stil loves me, but he is glad we have split up, cos we can now move on with our lives. He can marry someone else, and I can marry someone my family will accept. I am used to breaking up.

The BIG difference to my previous relationships is the fact that I LOVE him and feel he is the one. And although I have always put my parents first, this time round, Im considering drastic actions. The only way forward I see, so I can be with my ex is if I fake my own death. As running away and as a result my family would DISOWN me forever, and would potentially split them up and hurt them, I feel is MUCH MUCH worse than if they knew I was dead and grieved that. Honestly I think my running away and leaving religion would kill them more than my death. Therefore I have been thinking all week of how to fake my death. I hope I have explained all this correctly and you can understand where Im coming from. I have been reading around faking death, and it seems impossible :( and too complex. What do you guys think? I am suffering so much, I really dont know what to do.

Thanks for reading.
x

At 26 years old, is it possible that you can move out on your own and be free from your family's control?

I can move out yes, but I cant marry a white man. My family would not accept him, and I used to want them still in my life. But not sure anymore. Its either them or him. Thats the decision. But if I choose him, the only way we can be together forever is if I fake my own death, and start afresh somewhere else in the world. So my family, friends, POLICE think Im dead. I can move on and live my life with him.

Why is your family racist against white people?

If they don't like white people, why don't they move out of England...?

I don't think you can fake your death.

Everyone has at one time thought of doing this so it isn't some sacrilege thing to do...I understand you completely...
However if I may ask: do you love your parents? Do you know how much collateral and irreparable damage you would do to them/their emotional state forever?
They would have to face the fact that they outlived their daughter when in reality, deep down:
They just want the best for you...The problem is: THEY want (what THEY think) is best for you.

Get a piece of paper and write write write!
Write down (draw a line in the middle) and make the distinction what they want does NOT = what YOU want.
See how different your wants and needs are in contrast to their impressions imposed upon you...

Then you need to come to the self realization that: "Not doing what they have demanded you do: does NOT = disrespect or being a bad daughter.

Then you have to understand: your boyfriend deserves to have someone who can give him what he *wants* a woman whose parents respect HIM and accept him...
Then you need to address the entire situation with your parents, and if I were you I would (if you can) have a neutral person present (Aunt, Older brother) or someone they respect but who sees your POV.

Please do not fake your own death just so you can run away from this problem: instead of facing it as most people do when they have allowed
their parents to control their lives: and by you continuing to live there: they will "feel" control over you: because you are still their baby.

Sit down and draw the line: if they wish to have you live in that house a 26yr old woman who is no longer of their faith, then they need to
respect your individuality and your CHOICES...They cannot impose their will upon you. You are a grown woman. If you sacrifice your own life either by
dumping your BF, starting a new life elsewhere you are essentially never going to face the issue: and issues like these can manifest into other facets of your life.

The only way to properly resolve these feelings and this issue is by sitting down with them: setting up boundaries and voicing your opinion. Don't run from this.

You should confront your family.
It's not the 18th century anymore, it's the 21st. People marry the people they love, and it's all your choice. Don't let anything stop love, cause love is hard to find. If your family doesn't agree, and if it was me, I'd tell them that they should dis-own me, or i'll dis-own myself, cause they have no right.

Live your life the way YOU want to live it, NO ONE, should ever stop you. It'll be a big step, but that's all apart of growing up. (even though your 26.)

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Originally Posted by qwahchees [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You should confront your family.
It's not the 18th century anymore, it's the 21st. People marry the people they love, and it's all your choice. Don't let anything stop love, cause love is hard to find. If your family doesn't agree, and if it was me, I'd tell them that they should dis-own me, or i'll dis-own myself, cause they have no right.

Live your life the way YOU want to live it, NO ONE, should ever stop you. It'll be a big step, but that's all apart of growing up. (even though your 26.)

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Well, culture and their own social evolution can play a role in this state of mind where they feel
they can control her as if she were property.

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Originally Posted by Emerald_Dreams [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why is your family racist against white people?

If they don't like white people, why don't they move out of England...?

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Yeah EXACTLY!!!! My very thoughts also.

I could be wrong, but I am guessing you are Muslim OP?

And that's not how society should be, that's too bad. I've been raised in a family where freedom comes first, and my dad never stops me from pursuing what I want to do, he just warns me, and supports me. That's what her parents should be doing, not discouraging her about the race of her lover. This world is crazy.

I think we should be careful what advice we give her. Her parents might like, cut her head off or something.

^Probably why she is wanting to fake her own death.

Either that or face an 'honour killing'.

I've heard of a few that have happened here (the ones who didn't get away with it), but for the majority they get away with it.

Poor girl :(

If she thinks she has to make such a big step like faking her own death ,I just have one thing on my mind.Her family would literally kill her if she tried to be with other guy,am I right? No further comments...

Why is everyone dwelling on her wanting to fake her death. The big question is why she wants to do it. For a guy who broke up her 2 weeks ago, and is ALREADY in another relationship.

Sure when he left he said he still loved you. That was his way of letting you down gently and he did not mean it except maybe he loves you as a human being, or as a friend, or whatever. He should have never said that. It denied you proper closure cause instead of getting over him, you actually think you still have a shot at him, thus you wanting to do this crazy 'fake death' in hopes to get your straying ex boyfriend back.

If your parents stood by you during depression and alcohol addiction, I think they can forgive you for finding a good boyfriend. By the way I hope you are better, cause the last thing you need is the stress of trying to find a good relationship. You can't find someone who is healthy for you when you are carrying around lots of baggage like that.

Not sure what religious you are and I don't know why your family is racist against white people....
Maybe at the start they might not approve, but if you explain to your family, talk to them properly and If your family loves you then they want the best thing for you and want you to be happy so they might accept in the end?

If you can move out then why not move out?

^^From the way she describes it, it sounds like she CAN'T talk to them about this.

This is a one hairy situation, dude. This goes kinda beyond just having a relationship. This kinda sounds like life or death.

Very difficult and potentially dangerous situation.

You don't have to go as far as faking your own death. It's not only very complex, but the police would easily catch on if they investigate.

My opinion, and what I would personally do in your situation is to first move out and then, after a month or so Poof! disappear. You're already a grown woman at 26, so I think the best course of action is to just leave your parents and move somewhere else far away so they can never find you. Start a new life, the way you want to live it, without having to worry about them.

It's pretty awful to have to leave your family, but you're gonna be very unhappy if you stay with them any longer (as I notice you've been until now). And it's definitely better than to become an honour killing or to be forced to marry someone you don't love. If they're capable of hurting you or forcing you to do what they want, then I'm sorry, but you might as well give up on them. It's better to just cut ties with a family like that. I know you care for them and they'll be hurt to lose you, but it's either your pain or theirs. They brought this onto themselves with their tyrannical restrictions.

The police can't force you to come back home, as you're over 18. I don't know the exact procedure, but I'm assuming you should talk to them before you go/leave some written document behind that mentions you're leaving because you want to (and you weren't kidnapped or smth), so that they don't have to search for you. You're an adult and you have the right to leave your family, so they won't get involved in this.

About your current white boyfriend, I wouldn't bother. He's moved on really fast and I doubt he truly loved you that much. Don't do this for him, do it for yourself, your future and your well-being.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

How dependent are you on your family? If you can consider faking your own death, then the idea of disappearing should be OK too, unless you think they'd hunt you down. But you should also be asking yourself if you could tolerate a life without your parents and family in it. I've know people who've been disowned by family (for being gay, for instance) and never gotten over it. You've already suffered from depression, is it BECAUSE of them, or in spite of their efforts to help? If family is causing all your troubles, then you're well rid of them. But if you rely on them for help and support, then you need to be thinking long and hard about how you'll feel without them.

The thing is as well, is that in a situation like this you have also got to think 'long term' and future...

Assuming you do fake your own death/decide to disappear with this guy, what if you go a few years down the line with this guy and it doesn't work out between you both?
You are going to find yourself all alone in the world, with nobody at all you can turn too.

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Originally Posted by warriormaiden [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

^^From the way she describes it, it sounds like she CAN'T talk to them about this.

This is a one hairy situation, dude. This goes kinda beyond just having a relationship. This kinda sounds like life or death.

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First off, we can only speculate and say "it sounds as though" type of stuff.
2nd, she is 26: a full grown adult. If she would like to make her own decisions: she needs to move out, not file a fake death certificate.

If she can't cut the cord but has to take the easy out in order to live her life: that's entirely her choice but certainly a dishonorable one (to me)

Everyone will listen to what someone has to say when: they mean it, and when they stand up for themselves: until then?
They will treat her like the controlled and unassertive little girl they presume her to be.
It's not life or death...You are taking this story much too literally.

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Originally Posted by elise4 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Very difficult and potentially dangerous situation.

You don't have to go as far as faking your own death. It's not only very complex, but the police would easily catch on if they investigate.

My opinion, and what I would personally do in your situation is to first move out and then, after a month or so Poof! disappear. You're already a grown woman at 26, so I think the best course of action is to just leave your parents and move somewhere else far away so they can never find you. Start a new life, the way you want to live it, without having to worry about them.

It's pretty awful to have to leave your family, but you're gonna be very unhappy if you stay with them any longer (as I notice you've been until now). And it's definitely better than to become an honour killing or to be forced to marry someone you don't love. If they're capable of hurting you or forcing you to do what they want, then I'm sorry, but you might as well give up on them. It's better to just cut ties with a family like that. I know you care for them and they'll be hurt to lose you, but it's either your pain or theirs. They brought this onto themselves with their tyrannical restrictions.

The police can't force you to come back home, as you're over 18. I don't know the exact procedure, but I'm assuming you should talk to them before you go/leave some written document behind that mentions you're leaving because you want to (and you weren't kidnapped or smth), so that they don't have to search for you. You're an adult and you have the right to leave your family, so they won't get involved in this.

About your current white boyfriend, I wouldn't bother. He's moved on really fast and I doubt he truly loved you that much. Don't do this for him, do it for yourself, your future and your well-being.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

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Very good advice! But disappearing (even after she's moved out) -if they don't preempt her independence by throwing her out to prove a point 1st:
without at the very least communicating that she is fine, even if it's after she's gone (to me) is a good thing to do...Why burn a bridge due to internalizing your feelings?

Thank you for your replies. The main issue for me atm is that I am still hung up over my ex. He got with his current girlfriend a week after we broke up and keeps putting on facebook how happy he is with her, also she is better looking than me. I have deactivated my account, and havent stopped crying and drinking all weekend. Hiding this pain from my parents, and blocking contact from friends, because I dont want to talk to them about it. Work colleagues are sick of me upset everyday. I have become self destructive and very worried :( I am physically shaking from how happy he is with his new beautiful gf and how fast he is moving on from me. I am suffering. I dont want to fake my death, I just want to get over him!!!! But how? I am currently looking for a random bloke on the internet to spend tomorrow with, as I am aching for some male attention and unfit to go to work.

OMG OP...you are not happy with your life, craving for male attention and still under your parents roof. Why don't you take things step by step and keep in mind that no man will save you from your life?

The first step for you if you are in complete disagreement with your family about your future is to break free in a sensible way, ie securing a job in another town, without saying anything to anyone and one day move out leaving a note behind saying you are safe and just wish to live your own life. It takes a lot of guts but it's doable...

made mistake...sorry... couldn't add quote with this post for some reason...

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Originally Posted by Sweets82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thank you for your replies. The main issue for me atm is that I am still hung up over my ex. He got with his current girlfriend a week after we broke up and keeps putting on facebook how happy he is with her, also she is better looking than me. I have deactivated my account, and havent stopped crying and drinking all weekend. Hiding this pain from my parents, and blocking contact from friends, because I dont want to talk to them about it. Work colleagues are sick of me upset everyday. I have become self destructive and very worried :( I am physically shaking from how happy he is with his new beautiful gf and how fast he is moving on from me. I am suffering. I dont want to fake my death, I just want to get over him!!!! But how? I am currently looking for a random bloke on the internet to spend tomorrow with, as I am aching for some male attention and unfit to go to work.

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I understand that you love your ex so much and that your in a lot of pains at the moment because I know that most of the break ups hurts if you still love that person a lot....

You and your ex broke up and if your ex still loves you then he wouldn't start having a new gf within a week of your break ups.... so it tells me that he probably doesn't love you anymore...

If you want to get over your ex then you should go out, have fun with your female/male friends... you have to keep your mind busy by doing something else.
Don't keep in touch with your ex!! Don't talk to him, delete all his contact and try to stay away from his friends also.

You have depression and alcohol problems... you need real help!! If you can't talk to your family about this then get a help from someone else.
Staying away/blocking contacts from your friends won't help you! Talking about this will probably help you a lot and if your friends are really your friends then they will stick by you and understand what your going through.

RE: the depression and alcohol problems. Ive had treatment for it in the past, antidepressants didnt work for me, depression has been onoing and alcohol I only use to cope with the pain, and it works for me. I am already seeing a counsellor weekly through occupational health (which I reccommend to anyone who has broken up from a relationship and struggling with work).

My ex txt me last week for the first time since we broke up, he sounded so happy, we had a long conversation thru txts, so I told him I was happy too (lied). He wants to be friends forever, which is what I prefer too. But I cant facehim just yet, even though lots of my stuff is still left at his house. He txt me just now asking how my weekend has been, and I told him its been a bit of a struggle. Im sorry if Im typing and moaning too much, this helps, just telling others what Im going through. Counsellors dont give any advice, they just listen!