Why's it so hard for him to explain his perspective or elaborate?

ve been seeing someone for 3 months and we hit it off really well. We talk every night for an hour or two. Sometimes conversation is easy and sometimes it's not. We're both more so listeners instead of talkers...but I talk more than him because I think I have better conversation skills honestly.

I like talking to him but it's frustrating when I ask him what he thinks about something and he has difficulty explaining why he feels a certain way or expressing a point of view. He doesn't know how to elaborate on his feelings which is odd. He actually does a better job at it when we text though. He doesn't know how to blab on a little bit haha....For example, "What do you think about parents hitting children?" He'll have a couple sentences..."Hmm...welll...uh, I think that they should hit kids if they're misbehaving but not in a abusive way..."

Most people I know would go on a little bit more about why they feel that way...but he says a lot of "Hmm...", "uh...", "well.." and "I don't know hmm....." and he always apologizes that he sucks at explaining lol.

expressing your point of view I honestly think makes conversation 10x more easier because when you elaborate you can kind of pick topics from the sentence that come out.
I dig deep with question sometimes to get an understanding of how he feels but then it kinda feels like an interview.

other than that, I like everything else about him and he gives me butterflies :P

It's because he doesn't have much interest in those particular things you want to talk about. That is why it's so hot and cold with him. If you don't get much of a response, then change the subject.

Tip: If you both struggle to talk about things it means you don't have much in common. This is not noticeable until the infatuation period of your relationship dies off...then you see what you really have....good luck.

No, I don't think it's that. We have the same views, we like the same things, but I just notice he is like this with other people. He listens more than talks...and when he does it's just a comment.

I am the same way as him.. it wasnt that i didnt have any interest.. I just tend to stumble on my words sometimes, or get nervous.. dont read into it too much.

Haha yeah he stumbles on words a lot! I'm just worried if this meant it's guaranteed for us to fail. I really like him though. He's awesome.

He just isn't good at holding a conversation then. Only other options are you guys don't have much in common, he wants to change the subject, or he is just plain bored.

Since he is just bad at holding a conversation, he probably really appreciates you dragging the conversation along as it takes the pressure off of him. He does a better job texting you because he doesn't feel as pressured to say something right away.

There are no such guarantees. This isn't a huge red flag, if a red flag at all. Perhaps you are fixating upon this too strongly. Take into account what you enjoy about being together, and focus on that. Once it is very clear that something is problematic, take note of it, and respond with appropriate action either through communication, distancing yourself, so on.

Red Apollo, I don't think it means we don't have a lot in common. We come from the same background, like the same music, agree on most of the same views/morals, interested in new things...only difference is I guess he loves loves cars and I don't. If he was bored with me for 3 months then I think he'd stop talking to me by now. I even tell him sometimes I feel like I'm talking too much but he says he likes being on the phone with me. lol... Now you guys got me paranoid he finds me boring! haha, I know he's not in it for anything sexual since we haven't hit that stage yet. We've been going very slow physically.

What?! A guy who finds it difficult to express his feelings!? I dont believe it!!!

Why not try to be interested in the things he likes in particular.....maybe you will learn a thing or two about cars.

I don't know why everyone makes it seem like men are incapable of expressing their thoughts and opinions. I know plenty of guys that express their view. I'm not talking about feelings of cuddliness but feelings about say...a smoking ban, death penalty, etc. Not being all emotional.

Oh, I do take interest to what he says about cars. I don't know anything so I always ask questions and learn some things haha.

You do understand that men communicate different

Again with this men communicate different saying... I don't understand it. A lot of males I hold conversations with do express their opinion and a lot of them go on and on even..lol I don't buy that whole "Men are more quiet" or "Men don't talk as much" deal

My guess is that he just doesn't have any opinions on the things you're trying to talk about. Maybe he's never even given a thought to smoking bans or the death penalty. Some people just don't care about that stuff enough to form opinions.

This might mean he's dumb/simple. That's what I usually assume about people who don't have opinions, anyway.

No...those are just examples. It's hard for him to elaborate on his perspective/opinion on things like his thoughts on spiritual/religious beliefs, relationships, cheating, a movie, etc. I mean he'll give like a couple sentences on how he feels. Think of it this way, if I were to interview him...what he says wouldn't be enough lol. He's definitely not stupid, I'm not attracted to dummies. He was top student of his class and always teaches me new things. He likes learning new things.He does better teaching me by showing than telling though (of course)

We talked for an hour tonight and he did a lot of talking about inviting me out for Fourth of July, his company.. he can talk about THINGS but not his perspective and views.

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Originally Posted by michelle21689 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, I don't think it's that.

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Originally Posted by michelle21689 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think it means we don't have a lot in common.

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Originally Posted by michelle21689 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know why everyone makes it seem like men are incapable of expressing their thoughts and opinions.

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Originally Posted by michelle21689 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No...those are just examples.

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Are you this argumentative with him, too? Do you shoot down his opinions like you've done to basically every reply you've gotten in this thread? If so, that's the problem right there.

Why do you ask questions if you already know what the answer should be?

What makes you think I'm trying to argue? I'm just letting those know that when they mention that it's because of this or that that it's not because of my experience. It's the same as if you had a problem with your car and someone says, "Maybe it's the gas tank.." and I'd say something like, "No, I checked already. It's not that." lol

I mean I don't think it could be him being stupid, us having nothing in common, or him being bored because what I mentioned before. He told me flat out he likes being on the phone with me, and we have a similar view/interests, and he has an avg IQ haha.

And when I said "I don't know why people make it seem liek men are incapable of expressing feelings" I'm just stating that and want someone to explain to me why they think this. Maybe I should've worded it differently? Because I don't understand it honestly when most men I've had conversations with aren't like that.

I don't think you're trying to start an argument, exactly, but the constant "no's" can put people off from even engaging with you. If you don't respect the opinions of others (I'm talking about your boyfriend here, not the internet, because who cares.) then people are eventually going to stop voicing their opinions to you.

You sure you don't do the constant "no" thing with your boyfriend? Since you did it so consistently here, I'm wondering if you are like this with others.

Example:

"What do you think about the death penalty?"
"Well. I think that it's wrong because Jesus said something."
"Actually, no, Jesus never said that."
"Oh."

Conversation over.

Hm, if it is then I'll watch myself next time to see if that's what I'm doing. But I'm just afraid that him not being able to elaborate his perspective would mean we're more likely to fail in a relationship. He's not my boyfriend yet...I'll be gone for a month in a couple weeks but he has told me all these activities he wants us to do together and even invited me to his company party when I get back. So I know that he plans on seeing me still...So no official title yet and I want to talk about that when I come back because by then we'd be seeing each other for like 5 months.

But the whole conversation/point of view thing gets me to wonder if we'd make it long term as bf/gf. We're so compatible in our views, lifestyle, character, he makes me laugh, we're attracted to each other, there is a spark.. but the only flaw I see is the whole him not being able to elaborate. Elaborating gives me insight to the mind...better understanding...which means deep conversation. I would hate to break up with him over this, I don't want to let him go. You know how hard it is to find a good catch and feel a spark!? haha

It's funny, my last ex and I dated for 5 1/2 years. We weren't too compatible in our personality but he was able to go on forever and ever...talked a little too much. This guy is opposite...we're very compatible yet he can't ramble on a little bit.

I don't know if i mentioned this before..but he can talk about things while I listen, just not his thoughts. He'll tell me his opinion...but doesn't know how to go on and on about it.

I really want things to work out with him though.

I don't know if maybe I'm looking wayyy into this just because I like him and it's not really a big deal but I'm making it. lol

OK here's an out of the ballpark idea for you.... maybe he simply isn't able to talk about things that don't interest him 100%. Maybe he has trouble expressing opinions before he has thought them through properly.

It sounds to me like he's rather aloof and you are a bit of an interrogator. This is not a bad thing if you can see it for what it is. Read the Celestine Prophecy, or atleast the chapter on energy struggles.

OR here's another possibility, he may fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, somewhere near aspergers maybe, which means that he would actually have a neurological impairment that makes it very hard to talk about things that don't interest him.

All food for thought.

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Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

OK here's an out of the ballpark idea for you.... maybe he simply isn't able to talk about things that don't interest him 100%. Maybe he has trouble expressing opinions before he has thought them through properly.

It sounds to me like he's rather aloof and you are a bit of an interrogator. This is not a bad thing if you can see it for what it is. Read the Celestine Prophecy, or atleast the chapter on energy struggles.

OR here's another possibility, he may fall somewhere on the Autism spectrum, somewhere near aspergers maybe, which means that he would actually have a neurological impairment that makes it very hard to talk about things that don't interest him.

All food for thought.

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No, it's not that.

Just kidding. :)

LoL but I'm serioussssss... =( Merry H, what do you think about what I just said in my last post? Do you guys think that this is normal in a relationship when it comes to conversation or is this a red flag? Is there any way to help him bring out more thought and opinion? He tells me he wishes he could and he tries but then gets frustrated and apologizes for not knowing how to put into words his opinion on why he feels that way. I help him out sometimes but giving him like "examples" or questions he can answer to to help me understand. hehe.

Ok, here's some seriousness for you. All of my following advice comes from researching Autism since my son was diagnosed with it. Please bare with me. This is going to be quite a post.

Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning no 2 people with Autism will have exactly the same symptoms or issues, but to be diagnosed you must meet a certain criteria level. For Autism specifically you must have issues with 3 key areas, social interaction, communication and restrictive interests. Technically EVERY body is somewhere on the spectrum, those who aren't diagnosed don't fit into all 3 key areas. What causes Autism is unknown but what is known is that Autistic brains are wired differently and are often born without the instinct necessary for conversation and socialisation.

Now in the 2 years since my son was diagnosed I have been seeing autistic traits in everybody. The advantage of this has been it has made me more accepting.

It sounds to me like this guy actually CAN NOT voice his opinions. The fact that he has taught you things by showing you rather than telling you backs this up in my mind. He is quite possibly a visual thinker and is only good at saying things he is practised at expressing. Hence talking about things (facts and knowledge) rather than opinions.

This is not a red flag issue, necessarily. If you are happy to have those conversations with others that is fine. My finace and I can barely shut each other up most of the time, as soon as I try to talk about anything spiritual he tunes out. That's fine by me, I just jump on any opportunity I get to debate with others about spirituality.

I don't think it should be a red flag. If you like everything else about him, then enjoy that. I mean, is it a deal-breaker that he won't talk about these things with you? If so, that's a little weird, but okay, just find someone else.

Funny thing is, is we talk a couple hours almost every night. I guess I just have to accept that...and continue helping him come out with his opinion. As long as I feel happy with him and have feelings I'm sticking with him.

Another female thinking too much. :)

He's a guy....we dont think too deeply about some issues. Give a guy a break :) I can almost 100% guarantee he's not interested or has no opinion on that particular subject matter.

Is it in the way of your relationship? If you think you can find the perfect guy (a mix between this and your last) ---good luck!

is it that big of a deal?

It wasn't in the way of our "relationship" until a couple days ago when I started thinking about it. I guess I'm sort of making it a deal when that's what I'm trying to avoid, lol. If I found a guy that's personality is between my ex and this guy I'd probably marry him in a heartbeat, LOL.

This guy has everything my ex lacked and my ex has everything this guy lacked. Both are very good guys though :D Even though there were some issues with my ex I was really in love with him and I accepted him.

I guess I'll continue trying to see how he feels with whatever response he gives me, hehe.

Oh my god, I feel for your boyfriend! You TOTALLY sound like an interrogator! Men are NOT WOMEN! They don't always communicate the way we do!

Here's another thought for you to reject: He likes you, but he is afraid by telling you what he REALLY thinks about something, he may alienate you. This makes me think maybe you come off as being strongly opinionated.

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Originally Posted by michelle21689 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Funny thing is, is we talk a couple hours almost every night. I guess I just have to accept that...and continue helping him come out with his opinion. As long as I feel happy with him and have feelings I'm sticking with him.

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You talk on the phone with him something like 10 hours a week? He has probably run low on things to talk about.

Haha, I want to cut it down but he likes talking on the phone with me. I'll always tell him that this is just a quick phone call to see how his day went but then we end up talking for over an hour or two.