How did i let my happiness slip away..

Been a while since i was on here. I was happy for a while there. Really happy. I totally saw why i was leaving my ex, i saw all the positive in it. I understand that i HAD to leave for my happiness and health. It wasnt a problem at all for me and it took me by surprise that it was so easy.

Fast forward 3 weeks or so and im a mess. Complete utter mess. I cant stop wanting him back.. All my love for him, my feelings of happiness with him, our laughs, our hugs and talks.. They are killing me. I cant look at a happy couple at work without bursting into tears, i watched our home videos and they killed me.

He text me on sunday, asking how i was, asking why this had to happen. I said i didnt know and that i longed to be happy with him again. He said the same thing, said it hurt him so much.. Everything i was so proud of myself for, was gone in a second. We met up and hugged for hours just holding each other. It was like everything was okay again.

I spent the night, we left in the morning to work just like old times. Just like everything used to be. I saw the whole thing as it was an opening to get back together, to try work things out. I guess he didnt.
I have been speaking to him everyday since, and while i have been asking him if we would be able to work things out, he says he doesnt know. He doesnt know if he can. He keeps saying he doesnt want to lose me and he doesnt know what to do, that he doesnt want to hurt anymore.. but i dont understand, i dont understand why if he loved me and doesnt want to lose me.. why he wouldnt just try things again.

I can see plain as day he is playing me, i can see that he is just keeping me around and that he cant tell me a straight answer because he doesnt know if he actually wants to be with me.. But i keep asking.. I want to hit myself for being so stupid. I dont know what im doing, i have sat around my phone waiting for him to call or text or to give me some answer.. But he wont.

I dont know why im posting, if someone else asked this question i know how i would answer it.
I cant take my own advice :(

I cant let him go and even more cant stand the fact he doesnt want me even though we were so happy together before all this crap happened.

Do i just let him go? Try my hardest? He said if he was to work things out with me, to spend time together. Just be happy, reconnect, become better friends and more trusting of each other. Before jumping back into the serious relationship. I asked him if that meant he would be seeing other people and he said no of course not. Just me, but to just take it really slow..
I asked if that meant we would be getting back together eventually. He said that it would be working towards it.. but he couldnt promise me anything. :(

I dont know what to do. I love him, should i just take it slow with him and see where it goes? Risk getting hurt all over again? Probably worse than now? Or do i just leave and never look back?
He said i am pressuring him, which i understand. I just hate being in this limbo not knowing what to do.

Wil someone, PLEASE advise me on the best thing to do here?
I am so confused and lost..

I dont know.. I dont know... but you are not alone.. I knew my mistake almost as soon as I made it... I didnt know how much he loved me until then.. but nothing could ever make it right again.. all my begging and being psychotic finally drove him away.. he will never be mine again...

It sounds like you love him a lot more than he loves you I'm afraid - it's not uncommon, in fact to some degree it happens in every relationship. It sounds like he has you where he wants you; to give him the things he can't get from others - like the cuddles and the love. If you want to maintain your sanity and move on from this there is only one thing you can do - go NO CONTACT. You have to go into enforced solitude (note I said solitude and not loneliness). You're hurting for something and I dare say it isn't even him, it's what he can give you that you need so much. Going NC will enable you to take back some control in the relationship, you'll be the one making the decision and that will give you a little self-esteem in a situation where potentially you have none. Love is great when it's right, but it can destroy you if it's not. If I could give anyone one piece of advice to get over any relationship it would be this - read. You can't come to terms with what has happened or get your head around what's going on overnight and in time your mind will work it all out. In the meantime you need to distract your thought patterns. Immerse yourself in some books, preferably ones about people who really do have it bad. Katie Piper's beautiful is a good place to start. Don't be alone.

Do you have a friend you can spend a lot of time with? When my best friend experienced her last break up I got her to come over every day, quite often spending the night. She would generally just mope around and read but she was out of bed and not watching her phone. I had her here almost full time for about 6 months. It got a little draining but I was happy to help her through it.

It sounds to me like you should just back off and let him have time to figure himself out. You should use that time to figure out what you want to.

If I understand your situation, you dumped him. And now you want him back. I think that he does want to get back together with you, but he is unsure if he wants to risk the pain of getting hurt again. Why did you leave him? Why do those reasons not matter anymore? Bottom line, how can he know if you're going to flake out on him again?

Thanks for everybodies time and responses.

I feel like i should really go no contact sometimes, i know that i will get over it eventually but there is something that is keeping me around and i feel like i should give it my all before i let him go once and for all. I love him with my everything, but i also have doubts myself but i am miserable without him. I do have friends but lately everyone is so busy, my best friend is being rather distant with me lately, she was the one who was telling me i was worth more and that i needed to leave him. I knew deep down we were having horrible problems and at the time i felt so confused about everything that was going on. I didnt see a way out of what we were going through, he offered no solutions or effort to help us either. It was like we were both being so stubborn and wouldnt back down to each other. It was DRAINING.
We had a huge argument one night and we were both just so angry at each other. I didnt want to speak to him after the things he had said and he didnt seem like he wanted to either. I went to work as usual and the next day i heard he had a drunken kiss with a girl. I was fuming and left. I said no more and i couldnt believe it. I was devastated for a few days and then came to terms with everything and felt like it was truly over. We went no contact for a week or so. The week after we both started texting random things to each other and both admitted we missed each other.
Thats when we ended up meeting up with each other and things have been just as devasting as before. He has expressed his feelings of whether it is a good idea we get back together, i understand what he means. I kind of feel the same way, but i am a positive person and he is extremely negative. He said he doesnt want to get hurt again. But i feel like if we love each other as much as we say we do, work together to get past the bullshit and just try support and reassure each other then we have a good chance of making it through.

I would be risking alot getting back with him, how do i know hes not going to have another drunken kiss? I dont believe he would if we were truly working to make things work.. but you never know right? I am scared of this whole thing.. I obviously love him more than he does me.. And i dont want to pressure him. But i also cannot just be friends with him. I just cant do it to myself.. :(

Im so confused.

This is my plan of action. So, we spent last night together. I didnt mention a thing, we had an awesome time, he was lovely and we just laughed all night at the things we have done in the past etc. I wanted to show him, if we could put the past problems behind us and start a clean slate, then we could be happy together and not let the past stand in our way. I am willing to forgive everything he has done in the past so i would be hoping he could put things behind him too.
We text each other while we work, and today was a usual. Asking how we were etc.. He told me he had so much fun with me and he missed our quiet nights in we used to have. I told him i did too.. but i couldnt just let things go on like this, that i didnt want to throw myself at him and him really have no intentions of working it out. That if this is all he wants, a f*ck buddy, then i will leave and never look back.
He didnt really give me an answer, said i will never be that to him. That he loves me but he is so confused to what to do. It frustrates me so mucht hat he cannot ever make decisions. He could never ever make a decision that would impact his life in any way, he just leaves things to work out the way they do.
I figure calling him when he is done work. And just asking him straight out if he would like to make things work between us. I will listen to him and what he has to say.. I am praying with every bone in my body he agrees that we can make it. If he doesnt and still cant decide then i will leave and go NC.

My question is, i understand what he means by wanting to put no pressure on. He used the term 'let us fall into each other again in time'. I understand what he means.. But is it right for me to wait like this? I want to show him i am in this for us. That im not just missing him being around and it will change in a few weeks or so.. I truly want to work it out. But i cant help but feel like i shouldnt have to be the only one who wants it and work for it like this. Ughh im not sure what is right to do anymore and i certainly dont just want to his 'temporary girl'.

Sorry it is so long, i just have nobody to talk to :(

Are you familiar with Myers-Briggs? Google it if you aren't sure. Anyway, one important thing that I learned from Myers-Briggs is that I am a person who likes things clear, defined and resolved. It's possible that you are the same way, from what you are describing. But there are people who like things more vague, undefined and open. They aren't bad people, just different. And if you are in (or want to be in) a relationship with someone like that, you will need to make some allowance for their vague tendencies. You are hoping to hear that the two of you are definitely going to be a couple again, or alternately, definitely not a couple. But in an emotional situation like this, his way actually makes more sense, to not label things too quickly and see if the feelings are natural and not forced.

well said vincenzo... thats really good advice... im that way too.. but just because a person wants answers doesnt mean they will get any and it doesnt mean once they do get them, that the answer will provide closure. but yeah i think vincenzo hit the nail on the head with his answer.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are you familiar with Myers-Briggs? Google it if you aren't sure. Anyway, one important thing that I learned from Myers-Briggs is that I am a person who likes things clear, defined and resolved. It's possible that you are the same way, from what you are describing. But there are people who like things more vague, undefined and open. They aren't bad people, just different. And if you are in (or want to be in) a relationship with someone like that, you will need to make some allowance for their vague tendencies. You are hoping to hear that the two of you are definitely going to be a couple again, or alternately, definitely not a couple. But in an emotional situation like this, his way actually makes more sense, to not label things too quickly and see if the feelings are natural and not forced.

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*shock*... omg.. I didnt know.. I knew he was different.. was trying so hard to understand... I got it now.... now that its too late .. :/

My ex is like that. In fact, it's not entirely clear what we are right now. We started dating again a couple of weeks ago, but she is hesitant to put a label on us again at this stage, and she also wants me to date some other women before committing to her. I don't want to do that, but she thinks that it will make up for her cheating. I just want to know if we're back together, but since she is figuring her feelings out, it's vague for now.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are you familiar with Myers-Briggs? Google it if you aren't sure. Anyway, one important thing that I learned from Myers-Briggs is that I am a person who likes things clear, defined and resolved. It's possible that you are the same way, from what you are describing. But there are people who like things more vague, undefined and open. They aren't bad people, just different. And if you are in (or want to be in) a relationship with someone like that, you will need to make some allowance for their vague tendencies. You are hoping to hear that the two of you are definitely going to be a couple again, or alternately, definitely not a couple. But in an emotional situation like this, his way actually makes more sense, to not label things too quickly and see if the feelings are natural and not forced.

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Oh yes, we are definitely two entirely different people in that sense. I am such a perfectionist i have an intense need to know what is going on, what my plans are whereas he just likes to plod along, let things happen by themselves.
He said exactly that, he doesnt want to label things straight away. I know what he means. I dont want this to be forced at all, i dont want to scare him away thats for sure. But i do just want to know where i stand with him and if he is interested in being with me eventually. And this isnt just temporary.


I was just writing this, when he called. He called and was just talking to me, like normal.
I asked him what he wanted and he said in no means is he ready for any sort of committment. He said he just wanted to be friends.
So i said i am gone now, i cant just be his friend. He knows it and didnt fight in any way when i said i wouldnt be speaking to him anymore. Its over :(
Im just not sure how im going to cope i feel i have nothing.. nothing at all.

Just to add, i think there is another girl in the picture. I couldnt stick around and wait to see who he chooses.. To see who makes him happier. I know he wants to be single.

When i asked, i didnt ask for a label, or to date or anything like that. He said he just wanted to 'chill' every now and then.. And i know what that means.. I feel so used and worthless, oh my god. I dont know.. I have no more words at all.

I wish I could make a short version of what happened with me.. its so complicated.. he was so cold to me, for so long,, I thought he didnt want to be with me.. so I broke up with him.. THEN he told me everything.. it was MY FAULT!!! if he only could have told me why he was feeling that way.. my god, I would have done just anything for him.. I can kinda understand his way of thinking...I SHOULD have known.. and I ruined it.. it is no longer perfect...I think he forced himself to stop loving me.. but I will always love him...

Kay, wtf...

I just told him i couldnt speak to him no longer if he wasnt willing to work towards something with us. I said that i couldnt just be like this.. I would want to try work toward SOMETHING involving us, yet he doesnt want to hear anything about us. But now, now i have said that no i cannot be like that.. He is saying "well please, i dont want to lose you.. I am just so confused on what to do'..

Why does this have to be so hard. He doesnt want to be with me, but doesnt want to lose me. I am so angry at him right now..

He is just keeping me around for the f*ck isnt he.. He wants to have other girls but doesnt want to lose me right? Ugh.

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Originally Posted by Purrzzzzzz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I wish I could make a short version of what happened with me.. its so complicated.. he was so cold to me, for so long,, I thought he didnt want to be with me.. so I broke up with him.. THEN he told me everything.. it was MY FAULT!!! if he only could have told me why he was feeling that way.. my god, I would have done just anything for him.. I can kinda understand his way of thinking...I SHOULD have known.. and I ruined it.. it is no longer perfect...I think he forced himself to stop loving me.. but I will always love him...

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Purrzzzzzz same thing happened with me, exactly that.

I ended it because she was blowing all hot and cold with me since January and I thought she didn't want to be with me either, I finally ended it few weeks back and then she goes and tells me she does love me and could really see us having a long term future together, she was gutted when I ended it.

But ask yourself this, do you really want to be with someone where you have to try and figure out what it is they want and how they feel because they don't / can't / won't communicate.

I decided to just let this go because of that. I don't want to be second guessing if the relationship is ok or not, I just want to be with someone I know is on the same page as me or can at least communicate if they are not.

If you can't have an honest and open relationship with this guy and he can't communicate to you until you pull the plug why would you even try.

Yes I know you love him and I loved my ex when I ended it infact I've never been more in love with someone and have never ended a relationship with someone I love before and it stinks, but I know if we got back together it would just be the same, she has no emotional maturity and can't communicate her feelings that's just the way she is and I can't change that and neither can you

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Kay, wtf...

I just told him i couldnt speak to him no longer if he wasnt willing to work towards something with us. I said that i couldnt just be like this.. I would want to try work toward SOMETHING involving us, yet he doesnt want to hear anything about us. But now, now i have said that no i cannot be like that.. He is saying "well please, i dont want to lose you.. I am just so confused on what to do'..

Why does this have to be so hard. He doesnt want to be with me, but doesnt want to lose me. I am so angry at him right now..

He is just keeping me around for the f*ck isnt he.. He wants to have other girls but doesnt want to lose me right? Ugh.

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For what it's worth my advise would be to **** him off, tell him you want space to deal with your own feelings and selfish as it may be you are not interested in dealings with his right now.

Maybe in a few months you can catch up for a coffee and see where you are at but other than that just to leave you alone.

That's exactly what I did to my ex who couldn't make up her mind about what she wanted so just ended up playing me like a yo-yo

Take some time for all the emotional stuff to settle back down and give him time to figure out what he really really wants because right now he will just suck you back in because he doesn't want to lose you, but you just open yourself up to even more heartache later.

I dunno... I would have been ok with everything.. after that, I knew that he had always been 100% committed to me.. something I had never gotten from anyone before..he couldnt even look at another woman... OK!!! so why does it have to be too late now? I changed everything.. he knows it.. but its like- its broken and cant be fixed... I didnt cheat, or anything like that...

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He is just keeping me around for the f*ck isnt he.. He wants to have other girls but doesnt want to lose me right? Ugh.

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Yes. If he really wanted you and cared about you, there wouldn't be any other women in the picture. He wants to keep you around for FWB and as a backup plan if things don't work out with the other girl.

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Originally Posted by Purrzzzzzz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I wish I could make a short version of what happened with me.. its so complicated.. he was so cold to me, for so long,, I thought he didnt want to be with me.. so I broke up with him.. THEN he told me everything.. it was MY FAULT!!! if he only could have told me why he was feeling that way.. my god, I would have done just anything for him.. I can kinda understand his way of thinking...I SHOULD have known.. and I ruined it.. it is no longer perfect...I think he forced himself to stop loving me.. but I will always love him...

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Don't take the blame. He failed to communicate what he was thinking and feeling when it would have made a difference. A relationship needs communication or it won't last.

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Originally Posted by VincenzoG91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Don't take the blame. He failed to communicate what he was thinking and feeling when it would have made a difference. A relationship needs communication or it won't last.

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I just dont know how to stop blaming myself.. every day I was hurting him and didnt know... omg.. its so awful... I thought he didnt care..but his coldness was caused from pain..he is the most beutiful person I have ever known in my life.. and I hurt him so much... I just didnt know :'(

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Originally Posted by Purrzzzzzz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just dont know how to stop blaming myself.. every day I was hurting him and didnt know... omg.. its so awful... I thought he didnt care..but his coldness was caused from pain..he is the most beutiful person I have ever known in my life.. and I hurt him so much... I just didnt know :'(

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Because you are not responsible for his feelings, only he is.

He chose to feel that way, he chose to shut down and not communicate to you. This is so not your fault!!!

I know exactly what you mean. I feel hurt and used, but he swears he isnt with a girl although i cant see any other reason why he would want this to be like it is. He is a brutally honest person at times so i want to believe him. I feel like he is telling the truth, but i just cant be sure and dont know if i do believe what he says.

He said, he just doesnt want to be stressed about us anymore, that he just wants to be happy with me without the expectations we have for each other.. Because we were becoming more and more controlling of each other.
What hurts is that i KNOW what he is saying, but he doesnt think i understand.. but i do. I dont want the stress of it either, i cant tell him enough that its what i want. To just learn to be happy with each other, and accept we have lives other than each other. I dont feel like we can learn to trust one another and prove these things without being together.

I dont feel as crazily lost as i did today. I have just sat and cried my eyes out and now i feel abit better. lol
I have realised i will accept what he wants to do. I wont accept anything less than i am asking for. It isnt much for goodness sake. If he doesnt accept that, then i wont be anything. There will be no 'time off'. it will be done, i will not get myself back into this devastating situation again.. It truly breaks everything inside me until i feel there is nothing left of me.

Our biggest problem is us not understanding each other. We do not see eye to eye that way, and we have a HUGE problem in communication. If we were to try this again, and we have to talk this out.. How would one improve communication?? How can i help him understand me, and him with me?
We cannot have a reasonable conversation, our conversations and discussions end no where everytime.

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Originally Posted by Horseyguy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because you are not responsible for his feelings, only he is.

He chose to feel that way, he chose to shut down and not communicate to you. This is so not your fault!!!

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Agree with that completely. He chose what happened too, it wasnt just you who called the shots in this. There was a reason you ended it right? What was it he explained to you, that you got so wrong may i ask?
Relationships are a 2 way thing, everything each person does affects the relationship.

One way to improve communication is to sincerely try to paraphrase what you think he is saying, and vice versa. Then correct each other and resume talking about the issues. Be patient and work at it.

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Originally Posted by Horseyguy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Because you are not responsible for his feelings, only he is.

He chose to feel that way, he chose to shut down and not communicate to you. This is so not your fault!!!

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thank u HG.. I know I have to get past it.. just dont know how.. I hurt him so much...

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Agree with that completely. He chose what happened too, it wasnt just you who called the shots in this. There was a reason you ended it right? What was it he explained to you, that you got so wrong may i ask?
Relationships are a 2 way thing, everything each person does affects the relationship.

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there was an ex who had played me for a fool.. I was making him pay for it by pretending that I was still SO in love with him.. until I had a chance to pay him back for what he did.. the one I was really with had no problem with it.. was helping me.. I asked him several times if he was ok with it.. there was never a problem... (god its so complicated) if I had known that anything was bothering him I would have stopped it!!! I didnt know... :'''(

maybe now you can see how STUPID I am! I took his coldness for not caring.....

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Originally Posted by Purrzzzzzz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

thank u HG.. I know I have to get past it.. just dont know how.. I hurt him so much...

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FFS!!! You didn't hurt him !!!

He is doing this to himself, seriously stop taking responsibility for how he is feeling.

That is why you can't move on!!!!

You are chosing to feel quilty about HIS feelings so you are trying everything you can to make him feel better and the pseron that's suffering is ....... you!

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Originally Posted by Purrzzzzzz [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

maybe now you can see how STUPID I am! I took his coldness for not caring.....

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His coldness was not caring

You were in a relationship with him. Shutting down on you, going cold on you and not communicating with you is NOT something you do to someone you care about.

just one f*cking time if he could have said 'this is bothering me' or ' I am jealous' ... or when I asked if it was bothering him he could have just said YES!! I never would have spoken to that other guy again.. but everything was always so F*cking fine... sorry if I am rambling...

I just wish my ex would have told me how she was really feeling when I asked her as well.

Wasted 4 months of our 18 months thinking everything was ok, that she loved me and we were going ok because when I asked she told me we were

So I was a tad miffed to find out that wasn't what was going on and what actually was going on was she wasn't sure about us bceuase her dog had cancer (FFS!!!!) so decided to spend 3 months chatting to other guys on a dating website in the hope of finding someone better

I'm never ever ever going to be in a relationship with someone that can't friggen communicate again !!!!