Am I abusing my wife?

Hi guys, I hope you can help.

I've just had another (of many) arguments with my wife. The gist of which is my perception of her lack of willpower, discipline and dynamism. I've always been a bit of a wiseguy and control freak, I suppose - always knowing better and always being right. I have very high standards for myself and everyone around me, but somehow, I'm always disappointed when those people (including my wife) don't quite meet the standards I set for them in my mind.

What kills me is that I'm also quite often deeply disappointed in myself...

When we got married, 15 yrs ago, both of us were in decent shape. Since the birth of our 2nd child, she never got her weight under control again and now hardly does any exercise either. I'm in good shape and I work hard at staying fit and healthy. I also take care in what I eat. As much as I realize I can be an a..hole, sometimes, I don't think that I'm obsessed with fitness.

I feel betrayed that she has 'given up' on her fitness and health in general. I blame her for not being willing to suffer a little bit everyday for what she wants in life. Her lack of motivation and perseverance, as well as her semi-permanent depression is taking its toll on our love. As my respect for her dwindles, my love is also disappearing.

I love my kids, and so does she. They adore us both and are very happy children in general. I don't want to get a divorce, but would also not like to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm willing to accept that some (or most) of the blame can be laid in front of my door.

What do I do?

Couples counselling for you and her
Psychiatry for just you and your expectations/standards problems.

could you clarify on wife's daily routine? and yours? ages of kids?

I suspect she is suffering from the effects of your controlling emotional abuse and takes it out on herself by over eating and having given up trying to please you. Congratulations... She's now the horrible example you've painted her to be for so long now. You win!

Individual and couples counceling is the order of the day.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I suspect she is suffering from the effects of your controlling emotional abuse and takes it out on herself by over eating and having given up trying to please you. Congratulations... She's now the horrible example you've painted her to be for so long now. You win!

Individual and couples counceling is the order of the day.

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i disagree, counseling won't help. he needs to work on being less controlling and on making time for her to take care of herself.

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i disagree, counseling won't help. he needs to work on being less controlling and on making time for her to take care of herself.

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thats where I think the "personal" (or "individual") counceling will help him.

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

could you clarify on wife's daily routine? and yours? ages of kids?

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She is a homemaker. Her day starts with taking our kids to school. The rest of the morning is spent with errands, shopping, hobbies. (we have a full time housekeeper) The rest of the day consists of mom's taxi chores, reading and occasionally a visit to friends for drinks. I usually get home at 6:30pm. Another issue I'm trying to sort is my reaction when she's not home when I get back. I start off being very calm, but as the time ticks by (by this time she's already texted me that she's having drinks) I get all worked up. By the time she (and the kids) walk in, I'm like a little boy - tight lipped and furious with the whole world. I know I'm to blame...

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

thats where I think the "personal" (or "individual") counceling will help him.

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i don't believe in counseling period

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Originally Posted by LOX [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

She is a homemaker. Her day starts with taking our kids to school. The rest of the morning is spent with errands, shopping, hobbies. (we have a full time housekeeper) The rest of the day consists of mom's taxi chores, reading and occasionally a visit to friends for drinks. I usually get home at 6:30pm. Another issue I'm trying to sort is my reaction when she's not home when I get back. I start off being very calm, but as the time ticks by (by this time she's already texted me that she's having drinks) I get all worked up. By the time she (and the kids) walk in, I'm like a little boy - tight lipped and furious with the whole world. I know I'm to blame...

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marry me!!!!!

BTW, I'm quite open to the idea of seeing a psychiatrist - i realize that I'm going thru a difficult stage of my life and frustrated with the state of my business at the moment. Hope I'm not just projecting...

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i don't believe in counseling period

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Do you have any suggestions that he can use to stop being controlling? Lots of people don't believe in therapy but I've found that most of those that don't are capable of changing their mind set using their own personal tools and self-reflection. How would you suggest he go about learning to control his need to control others?

I will say the reading the book Codependent No More may help him to stop enabling her to be the person he dispises and is jonesing to change into the person he can tolerate.

lol at the "marry me" comment. :)

Our kids are 10 and12yrs old.

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Originally Posted by LOX [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Our kids are 10 and12yrs old.

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what are you wife's dimensions?

Jeesh! Sounds like a nice life she has! Shes depressed about something.... How's the sex life? Couples therepy is in order

Im with you though. If this was my wife, there better be a 4 course meal on the table every night and quarters bouncing off her ass!!!

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Originally Posted by surfhb [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Jeesh! Sounds like a nice life she has! Shes depressed about something.... How's the sex life?

Im with you though. If this was my wife, there better be a 4 course meal on the table every night and quarters bouncing off her ass!!!

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Why would she be doing that when she gets away with him enabling her to be the princess she appears to think she is? Nagging and trying to control outcomes with her sure aint working. OP: Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatie if you're not going to get personal counceling. While you're waiting for Sonrisa's next question you can read a chapter or two ;).

She doesn't improve because she simply doesn't have to. You keep her around (while nagging) and that has learned her to just ignore your bravado while she continues on doing what the fk she pleases when it pleases her. (least that's how it looks to me).

Neither of you has any respect for the others wants and needs.

it's pretty common in muslims, except for drinking of course.

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Originally Posted by LOX [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hi guys, I hope you can help.

I've just had another (of many) arguments with my wife. The gist of which is my perception of her lack of willpower, discipline and dynamism. I've always been a bit of a wiseguy and control freak, I suppose - always knowing better and always being right. I have very high standards for myself and everyone around me, but somehow, I'm always disappointed when those people (including my wife) don't quite meet the standards I set for them in my mind.

What kills me is that I'm also quite often deeply disappointed in myself...

When we got married, 15 yrs ago, both of us were in decent shape. Since the birth of our 2nd child, she never got her weight under control again and now hardly does any exercise either. I'm in good shape and I work hard at staying fit and healthy. I also take care in what I eat. As much as I realize I can be an a..hole, sometimes, I don't think that I'm obsessed with fitness.

I feel betrayed that she has 'given up' on her fitness and health in general. I blame her for not being willing to suffer a little bit everyday for what she wants in life. Her lack of motivation and perseverance, as well as her semi-permanent depression is taking its toll on our love. As my respect for her dwindles, my love is also disappearing.

I love my kids, and so does she. They adore us both and are very happy children in general. I don't want to get a divorce, but would also not like to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm willing to accept that some (or most) of the blame can be laid in front of my door.

What do I do?

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You've definitely got some abusive behaviors. I'd even venture to say that you're emotionally and mentally abusive and yes, controlling, and you have unrealistic expectations. I'm also willing to bet that neither one of you communicates clearly about your expectations and desires.

I'd definitely recommend that you go voluntarily to a domestic violence intervention course. If you approach it with an open mind, you can learn what is and isn't acceptable in your interpersonal relationships. For one thing, your wife and her physical fitness level isn't for you to choose. She's and adult and can make her own decisions about what to wear, eat, how to exercise, etc. She's not your possession, she's an adult human being.

You CAN encourage her to join you in something you think she'll enjoy, even better, ASK her what she'd enjoy. For example, I'm an avid cyclist, and I've gotten my wife riding with me regularly now... the key for us is that I don't push for distance or speed, I let her make the decisions in that regard, and as she progresses, we go further and faster. She's gaining confidence in her ability to travel via bicycle, and has in fact gotten to the point where she misses it when we don't get our ride in. Try anything - walking, swimming, tennis, whatever floats her boat.

But anyhow, Wakeup has it right - you two need couples counseling, and you in particular need to find someplace to learn how to not be controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive.

Consoling is good for you to find out the true issues at hand. As a couple tho. Good luck

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

it's pretty common in muslims, except for drinking of course.

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I agree: Wearing the Burka and walking behind her man. I can't claim that one though - I'm not religious at all.

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

what are you wife's dimensions?

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At own admission, she's roughly 20lbs overweight. What really erks me is not really the fact that she's slipping, but that she seems to be paralyzed and not willing to do anything about it.

Maybe she resents you for not being able to accept her for who she is flaws and all. Sometimes people get in ruts and it does not helwhen your partner is coming down on you. Maybe she has to go out and have a drink with her friends to escape your tyranny. Taking care of two kids is not easy and perhaps she feels like you don't appreciate the efforts she does make. Maybe she doesn't care about gaining weight because she couldn't care less what you think of her body because your controlling behavior turns her off anyway.

I think you need to get a grip. Let her have some free time and quit whining about her weight. Perhaps if you stopped acting like such an asshole she would want to do nice things for you and be there when you get home.

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Originally Posted by LOX [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

At own admission, she's roughly 20lbs overweight. What really erks me is not really the fact that she's slipping, but that she seems to be paralyzed and not willing to do anything about it.

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Piffle.

20 Lbs. is nothing. So what? Is she complaining about it, or are you?

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Originally Posted by Sonrisa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i don't believe in counseling period

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What... you don't believe it exists? It's not like God, it's something you can point to. :p

Or you don't believe in it's efficacy? Because I can personally attest to that.

Frankly she sounds depressed. Her weight alone isn't so much a concern as the change in her weight and the fact she doesn't seem to care about it.

Your kids are old enough that maybe she should get a job. Even a PT one. Just to keep her busy. She might care more about her appearance if she has to interact with others every day.

As for your relationship, yes it sounds like its hit the skids. Pretty standard for couples together as long as you have. Sounds like the fact you've been perhaps a bit hard on her doesn't help. Tho, I gotta say, she's got a pretty carefree life otherwise.

You might find this book of interest (no, we aren't LDS, btw). I got it for my husband when he was starting to slip a bit:

[url=http://www.amazon.com/Date-Your-Wife-Stan-Cronin/dp/0882907611]Amazon.com: How to Date Your Wife (9780882907611): Stan Cronin: Books[/url]

She's getting out of the house, has friends, and is not much overweight if any depending what standards we are using to judge how many extra pounds there are. Where is the problem here? The fact she's not a perfectionist like you? You want her to get out and exercise but you freak out if she isn't home when you get there. That's helpful and not the least bit hypocritical. Through all of this I don't see comments about you worrying over her lifespan and potential health problems. All I see is you wanting a hot wife. I bet your approach to making her know that is wonderful too. If you want someone to be more motivated then you should motivate them. Motivating someone does not mean complaining about them. It does not mean pointing out their problems or how disgusted you are by them. It means you say "Let's spend some time together outdoors and take a walk around town or a hike around the lake" or "Why don't you take up yoga so you feel better and stay healthier" "Here let me look up classes in the area and don't worry if all the classes are around 5 or 6 so dinner has to be a little late. I'll find something to do until you get home.". When I want my unmotivated, office working, computer addicted husband to exercise and prevent the potential heart problems that run in his family we both go to the martial arts dojo and I've taken classes and paid for my part just so he would show up because I was waiting on him or I point out how nice it is outside and we should go swimming in the lake. Maybe mention the dogs are bored and need to go hiking. Making someone depressed over their weight and your opinion of them is an excellent way to kill all motivation so they go drink with their friends or sit on their *** and eat food to make themselves feel better.

Maybe the drinking is a way to "deal"?
Some people benefit from ENCOURAGEMENT. It's hard to feel good about yourself if your spouse isn't giving you any positive feedback ever. Do you ever pick one day out of the week/month and cook a healthy meal? That's support and encouragement. Also, sometimes women need WORDS of encouragement. A woman's body is a sensitive topic. She pushed two of your children through a very small opening in her body. Not always so easy to bounce back with a lack of confidence. Try telling her nice things for a week. Hold your tongue if you can.

From what standard is she slipping?