learning about an affair by reading her journal... what to do

Here is my situation... my significant other for 3 1/2 years and I have had what appeared to be a "soul mate" relationship. However, the other day I stumbled across her journal (which was actually on the top of the night stand) and I opened it up and read it. I discovered that she wrote about an affair she had with a co-worker while at a conference 1 1/2 years ago. They had sex, and she was even worried about being pregnant after. The co-worker is also a distant co-worker of mine.

So, clearly I should not have violated her privacy by reading the journal. However, I'm obviously losing my mind with the knowledge that she had the affair. In addition, just a couple of months ago she said that they still have been texting, and she even cried when he wrote some love-related texts and then texted similar responses back.

I need advice please. Do I tell her that I read her journal and learned of the affair and her on-going feelings for this co-worker?
Thanks

This is precisely why I never read my partner's phone or emails even if they are left open and lying around. However I can understand why you are irked. It seems suss that she'd leave it out? Maybe she wanted you to find it?

If you are comfortable with lying maybe just say 'I picked up your journal the other day which fell off the nightstand and couldn't help but see some stuff you'd written about _____' and see what happens.

Or tell her you are concerned she has feeling for this co-worker and see what kind of reaction you get.

Sorry to hear she cheated. You are in for a rocky road ahead however you choose to approach it.

no..... if you are gonna tell her dont lie.... you can ask her if shes been faithful

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

no..... if you are gonna tell her dont lie.... you can ask her if shes been faithful

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Yeah, she'll definitely come out and tell you the truth. Clearly, she wasn't trying to hide it before.

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Yeah, she'll definitely come out and tell you the truth. Clearly, she wasn't trying to hide it before.

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you have a better answer dude? You cant assume she actually did cheat.. but if she did and lies about it.. do you want to be with a liar AND a cheater?

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you have a better answer dude? You cant assume she actually did cheat.. but if she did and lies about it.. do you want to be with a liar AND a cheater?

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If you want to be with a cheater at all, you should really examine things.

The cat's already out of the bag. He should confront her and break up with her. Anything else is being a huge wimp and trying to justify it.

Just dump her. Don't give any explanations, don't answer any questions. Just dump her and let her come to this forum and complaint that her boyfriend left her although she hadn't done any wrong to him.

If she cheated once she will do it again! Be 100% sure of that, no matter what she will say to you. Do you want to be cheated again? If yes stay with her. If not, then as above.

People that keep "journals" are usually up their own ass. My advice? Get your own journal, and write that you have met someone who you have had sex with. Also you must write that your new bird has much nicer hair than your partner. In fact, you should copy her journal in to yours, only changing the details of the scoundrel. Once you have finished this, you then leave your "journal" somewhere that your partner will find this.

Upon reading this, your partner will realise what a twat she is and probably beg your forgivness, at which point you give her the finger and throw her on the street.

Moral of this story.... people that keep journals will probably cheat on you and they are also gimpy enough to write it in a little book so they get caught. car crash of a story here. good luck

Heres teh problem... You are all assuming she DID cheat... the journal is NOT proof of anything. IF you decide you are gonna dump her.. make sure you have evidence of the affair... although to me it sounds like she did cheat and is STILL cheating (from the fact that she still talking to this dude via txts)

However, just make sure before you do anything brash.. which is why you should mention something

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Heres teh problem... You are all assuming she DID cheat... the journal is NOT proof of anything. IF you decide you are gonna dump her.. make sure you have evidence of the affair...

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You can't be serious. She wrote down that she had an affair in a private journal.

Yes, that's proof.

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't be serious. She wrote down that she had an affair in a private journal.

Yes, that's proof.

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well, maybe she put it there to see if he would read it? I dont know her or him and am just going by what was written. She more than likely did cheat but dumping her without talking about it first is jumping the gun.
Im just trying to look at this from a "glass is half full" approach

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well, maybe she put it there to see if he would read it?

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Do you need a girl who keeps testing you?

I agree it was a terrible thing that he went through her private journal. And to be honest if I was her I would brake up with you for doing so. So what he have here is a lose-lose situation.

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

but dumping her without talking about it first is jumping the gun

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Hmm.. I am trying to think what the benefit would be if he would talk to her.

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

well, maybe she put it there to see if he would read it? I dont know her or him and am just going by what was written. She more than likely did cheat but dumping her without talking about it first is jumping the gun.
Im just trying to look at this from a "glass is half full" approach

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No, you're looking at it from a naive approach.

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

No, you're looking at it from a naive approach.

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I guess.... I just dont believe in assuming thats all. I dont think there is anythign wrong with asking her. That isnt naive.

DH: There is a a time when it is perfectly acceptable to look at something at face value. No need to sugar coat shit because the smell will still give away it's true identity.

People keep journals to write down their inner most thoughts and to help re-create moments of interests. They don't write down fantasies in a journal.

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I need advice please. Do I tell her that I read her journal and learned of the affair and her on-going feelings for this co-worker?

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Well you do if you want it out in the open. If you want it out in the open then you best be prepared to have some sort of plan, such as leaving her or getting marital councelling to help YOU to trust again and to help you both reconnect emotionally.

If you want to keep on keeping your head in the sand then you best learn to not care when she comes home late or spends copious amounts of time on the computer corresponding with him in an emotional affair dynamic.


It's your call what you do and it's no one elses buisness but your's and your wives what you decide to do.

Revealing to her that you snooped is the least of your worries at this point.

My thought is this - if you read her journal you had some trust issues with her in the first place. I have a feeling that this situation is more convoluted than just a one-time affair and/or some texting. It sounds like you do not trust your girlfriend (seemingly justified) and she seems to be looking to others for affection.

I don't know what would be gained by confronting her about it. You aren't going to believe anything she tells you anyway. Just end the relationship and move on.

Thanks everyone... I should have mentioned that it is a long-distance relationship too, and we see each other about every 2 weeks. So, it's possible (likely) that she is seeking attention/affection that she is not getting on a daily basis. All of this certainly makes for a challenging situation to say the least.

I'm leaning toward confronting her, and then depending on how she reacts I could potentially see getting counseling so we can better manage the long-term relationship until we are able to live in the same city/house (if we get to that point).

Oddly enough I think I was trying to find out how horrible it was for me to read her journal. But, as wakeup said, it is probably the least of my worries at this point.

It is tempting to write in a journal that read her journal and found out, then leave it on the same night stand. Then if (when) she reads it, she wouldn't have that component to hold against me. Ugghhh... that "kicked in the stomach" feeling sucks.

Any more thoughts?

Yes, one more. I think People who are in a relationship and leave things that are not done with their S.O. Like: sex texting on their phone, cam chat sessions in their computer history, flirty and romantic emails open, and journals outlining an affair... subconsciously want to be caught. People who truly want this hidden erase all traces. So just tell her "I think you left this out for me to find." Just a thought.

Don't let her reverse the conversation so that the topic is about you snooping. Just halt that by not responding to any attempts to make it the focus. Keep the focus on the affair and what you're both going to decide to do with one another.

Another thing: One's privacy and keeping secrets are two completely different things. Obviously you had some inkling, some red flag rearing reason to snoop however; She is intitled to her privacy as you know, as are you.

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Originally Posted by DarkHelmet82 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Heres teh problem... You are all assuming she DID cheat... the journal is NOT proof of anything. IF you decide you are gonna dump her.. make sure you have evidence of the affair... although to me it sounds like she did cheat and is STILL cheating (from the fact that she still talking to this dude via txts)

However, just make sure before you do anything brash.. which is why you should mention something

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Originally Posted by Mathias [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You can't be serious. She wrote down that she had an affair in a private journal.

Yes, that's proof.

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LOL, Dark. And I suppose that if he had walked in on them doing the dirty there is always the chance its just a really well-done hologram projected from a hidden camera??

OP - your only decision before you confront her is whether or not you are going to stay with her. Tho, the fact she is still in contact w/this guy isn't good. Its not like a one-night stand, which would almost be better. This isn't about her, you already know her moral stance--she's a cheater AND a liar, considering she never confessed and is still in contact w/this guy. For some, the lying is worse than the cheating b/c it takes away the decision of the person being cheated on to decide whether to stay or not. So, this is really about you and what you are prepared to live with. Or not. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Taiyed [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oddly enough I think I was trying to find out how horrible it was for me to read her journal.

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Pretty horrible, in my opinion. It's not only disrespectful and a violation of her privacy, but it's a sign that you don't fully trust her. I think a relationship is pretty much broken if you have to resort to snooping to get answers.

But you don't seem to even be considering breaking up with her, so come clean about reading her journal, apologize, tell her what you learned, sit back and take it as she gets really angry at you (she's likely going to blame you somehow for cheating, have fun with that) and then you can suggest couples counseling.

This why LDRs don't work most of the time......it leaves one lonely and unsatisfied. Being absent from each other makes it way to easy to cheat and get away with it.

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Originally Posted by MerryH [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Pretty horrible, in my opinion. It's not only disrespectful and a violation of her privacy, but it's a sign that you don't fully trust her. I think a relationship is pretty much broken if you have to resort to snooping to get answers.

But you don't seem to even be considering breaking up with her, so come clean about reading her journal, apologize, tell her what you learned, sit back and take it as she gets really angry at you (she's likely going to blame you somehow for cheating, have fun with that) and then you can suggest couples counseling.

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This made me laugh heartily.