Need Advice please... do I tell her I read her journal and learned of her affair?

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21-07-11, 10:39 AM
Taiyed

Need Advice please... do I tell her I read her journal and learned of her affair?

Here is my situation... my significant other for 3 1/2 years and I have had what appeared to be a "soul mate" relationship. We are unfortunately in a long-distance relationship and see each other about every 2 weeks. However, the other day I stumbled across her journal (which was actually on the top of the night stand) and I opened it up and read it. I discovered that she wrote about an affair she had with a co-worker while at a conference 1 1/2 years ago. They had sex, and she was even worried about being pregnant after. The co-worker is also a distant co-worker of mine.

So, clearly I should not have violated her privacy by reading the journal. However, I'm obviously losing my mind with the knowledge that she had the affair. In addition, just a couple of months ago she said in her journal that they still have been texting, and she even cried when he wrote some love-related texts and then texted similar responses back.

I need advice please. Do I tell her that I read her journal and learned of the affair and her on-going feelings for this co-worker?
Thanks
21-07-11, 10:45 AM
HeartIsAching

Only if you're done with the relationship. She's already looking for an out.

Frankly, you're not in a "soulmate" relationship. It has to go both ways in order to be one, and if you're in one, you don't want to cheat. As she cheated, it's obvious that you're not HER soulmate.
21-07-11, 10:58 AM
Taiyed

Why do you say

Quote:

Only if you're done with the relationship.

??
21-07-11, 10:59 AM
vampiress

may I add something..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taiyed [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So, clearly I should not have violated her privacy by reading the journal. However, I'm obviously losing my mind with the knowledge that she had the affair. In addition, just a couple of months ago she said in her journal that they still have been texting, and she even cried when he wrote some love-related texts and then texted similar responses back.
Thanks

I don't think you violated her privacy when you read her journal. there should be no secrets between partners.
21-07-11, 11:23 AM
JammerHammer

Quote:

Originally Posted by vampiress [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

may I add something..

I don't think you violated her privacy when you read her journal. there should be no secrets between partners.

I agree. It seems that you're girl is more attracted to this other guy. Hey, it happens. It happened to me. The only way to solve this is to tell her what you know and end the relationship with an honest and open discussion.

It seems that you're looking for exclusivity and faithfulness but she wants something else. It's really sad that it ended that way after all those years but you must learn to overcome this challenge... and you will.

You're going to find someone who'll want the same thing as you do. So, don't worry about it too much. Cheers.
21-07-11, 11:31 AM
Taiyed

So JH... it appears that you think

Quote:

The only way to solve this is to tell her what you know and end the relationship

I know I'm seeing things a little fuzzy right now with the heavy emotions, but is it clear to you that the relationship has no future? I'm curious as to your thoughts.
21-07-11, 11:51 AM
JammerHammer

From my perspective, it seems that it's the only way. But it will depend on your answer, I advice your to ask yourself this question every night for at least 1 week:

Since she cheated on me for so long, can I still stay in this relationship?

Reflect on this question and think about it carefully. Go to Starbuck's or somewhere you can sip a drink and think deeply about your situation.

I would suggest that you end it because it's probably going to end up on her cheating on you again. You've read her journal, right? She really loves this guy. If
she loved you, she wouldn't do some girly thing like writing on a journal about the love of her life.

Talk with her and let her go. Your mind is limited and closed right now but when you get to your next relationship which I hope will be the one for you, you'll see
how silly you were putting up with a cheating woman when there's someone who'll never let you go and love you completely with all her heart.

Paraphrasing Morpheus in The Matrix:

OPEN YOUR MIND

Cheers.
21-07-11, 12:20 PM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by vampiress [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

may I add something..

I don't think you violated her privacy when you read her journal. there should be no secrets between partners.

Complete and utter horseshit. He DID violate her privacy. Whether or not there should be secrets between partners is irrelevant.
21-07-11, 12:49 PM
Taiyed

HeartIsAching.... So it sounds like you would be cool with the idea of me putting my journal on her night stand and letting her open it to find out that I read hers...
21-07-11, 01:44 PM
smackie9

Oh crap seriously you need advice for this? Just leave the journal open at the page where you read this and go dump her ass without any explanation and never talk to her again. Maybe she will learn something for it.
21-07-11, 02:15 PM
vampiress

Quote:

Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Complete and utter horseshit. He DID violate her privacy. Whether or not there should be secrets between partners is irrelevant.

I don't think he did? why would a woman keep a journal from her partner? isn't he supposed to know everything about her? or is it because they are not married?
I'm a little confused about this?
21-07-11, 02:26 PM
MaidenMinx

Quote:

Originally Posted by vampiress [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think he did? why would a woman keep a journal from her partner? isn't he supposed to know everything about her? or is it because they are not married?
I'm a little confused about this?

No one will ever know everything about anyone. I think this misconception that once you start bonking you have the right to know everything and you give up your right to secrecy is one of the things that kills relationships.

I will admit most people aren't keeping secrets like this, but everyone has the right to put their thoughts in writing and the right to assume that their loved ones will respect their privacy.
21-07-11, 03:01 PM
smackie9

The woman is an idiot. She cheats and then thought it would be a good idea to put the whole affair in writing for someone to discover.
21-07-11, 03:06 PM
IndiReloaded

Damn threads need merging....
21-07-11, 07:00 PM
vampiress

maybe she left the journal on purpose for him to read, coz she sick of hiding it anymore?
21-07-11, 08:33 PM
steviej

Op, why would you want to stay with a cheating, lying slut?
Keep your self respect and dump her. If you 'forgave her' she'll do it again but be more careful. You'll never be able to trust her.

Have some fun with it, say you spoke to 'malc' or whatever he's called, he said he knows you quite well.... make her squirm, see if she confesses, tell her he's bragged to all the guys about what a slut you are then dump her ass!
22-07-11, 02:51 AM
HeartIsAching

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taiyed [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

HeartIsAching.... So it sounds like you would be cool with the idea of me putting my journal on her night stand and letting her open it to find out that I read hers...

No, you've got it backwards. If my wife were keeping a journal, she could leave it on the kitchen table and I wouldn't pick it up and read it.
22-07-11, 03:05 AM
Wakeup

Quote:

Originally Posted by vampiress [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't think he did? why would a woman keep a journal from her partner? isn't he supposed to know everything about her? or is it because they are not married?
I'm a little confused about this?

Just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean that you have to give up your own identity and personal thoughts to that person. Whats in our heads is ours to hold onto unless we feel like sharing. He basically stole her personal thoughts, really. If she blogged her affair in an open forum then that would be her wanting to share her inner most thoughts with anyone who wanted to read them.

Her leaving it out means one of two things, IMO:
1. She wanted him to read it because she doesn't know how to end it with him (because she's a weak and selfish twat) or..
2. She literally trusted him that much that she thought he'd never open something so personal.

As I said though I think the snooping portion of this story is the least of Op's worries. He has bigger fish to fry then wondering if he did wrong. (he knows he did wrong anyway or he wouldn't be looking for opening dialogue that will make him look less like a bad guy).