Need your opinion :)

hi everybody,

I am 31 years old and i have been stuck for the last two and a half years.

I have been in this relationship, for almost 2 years, broke up with him, not because i wanted to break up, but because i wanted more of his attention...never got over him, tried to get back with him in tears...didn't work, decided to let the time do its work...then he contacted me, we went for a drink, almost a month ago, had a great time, he kisses me so nicely and romantically, then he didn't contact me again??!!it was a month ago...i sent him two sms saying if he would like to go for a drink, he said he was busy, but he put a :) ...
Do you think he needs more time or he feels confused, or hes afraid because i hurt him once, what should i do???

Is he playing with me?I still have feelings for him, I would do anything to be with him again...and i know that he still has feelings for me, but why doesn't he do something?why is he waiting?in this two and half years while we were separated, he never had a serious relationship and neither did i...i feel that we belong together...but it his time to make a move now...

i feel put on hold..is there anything i should or shouldnt do to make things better for us?

thank you

I think you played games with him, and he's retaliating.

Instead of sorting through your problem by communicating, you tried to get him to be more attentive by rejecting him, thinking he'd be desperate to have you back. When that backfired, you reversed yourself and tried to get him back, but he wasn't interested.

Now he's had his revenge, and he's not interested anymore.

Hey thanks for you reply,

i thought that he had his revenge a year ago, when he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and I know that it wasn't true...
I thought that this time he contacted me because he still has feeling for me and to try to be together again...at the end we were good together...

Is there anything i can do to make things better and that we have another chance?Leave the past behind and start from the beginning?

I know that he still has feelings, why should we both be alone and unhappy...

thanks again

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Originally Posted by KatieK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey thanks for you reply,

i thought that he had his revenge a year ago, when he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and I know that it wasn't true...
I thought that this time he contacted me because he still has feeling for me and to try to be together again...at the end we were good together...

Is there anything i can do to make things better and that we have another chance?Leave the past behind and start from the beginning?

I know that he still has feelings, why should we both be alone and unhappy...

thanks again

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You state that you know how he feels, when the truth is you really don't. If he loved you, he would be back with you, and not pushing you away. Maybe he contacted you to see if he had feelings, met up, and was validated in his belief that he did or didn't.

Either way, the best thing for you to do is move on. A lesson you can take from this is that playing games when you're 30 is a bad idea, most mature men don't care for games and will kick you to the curb when they realize whats up. In this case, he figured it out and decided to move on by himself.

So: You broke up with him because he didn't give you enough time. Seems nothing has changed, he's still not giving you enough time. I suspect this relationship was ALWAYS one sided and he liked playing you.

Leave him alone, he likes the thought that he could have you anytime he wanted you even if he treats you with indifference. Strive to forget him and accept that he is not a very good life partner (if he never gave you what you needed and refused to compromise) so that you can be open hearted for someone new to come into your life who will show you through actions that he values you. This guy sounds like he didn't value you very much.

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most mature men don't care for games and will kick you to the curb when they realize whats up.

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Unfortunately most women will let a guy play games with her though. Op: is yet another proof of that.

I agree with Wakeup. Unless you completely blindsided this guy and left him without trying to discuss this problem beforehand (which I highly doubt), I don't consider your leaving to be "playing games" at all. You took a calculated risk that he would get his shit together, and he didn't rise to the occasion. Now it's time for you to stop wasting your youth waiting around for scraps of his attention like a pathetic puppy dog. Don't call him again; save your dignity. It sounds like he isn't interested in giving you what you need.

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Originally Posted by KatieK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey thanks for you reply,

i thought that he had his revenge a year ago, when he told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and I know that it wasn't true...
I thought that this time he contacted me because he still has feeling for me and to try to be together again...at the end we were good together...

Is there anything i can do to make things better and that we have another chance?Leave the past behind and start from the beginning?

I know that he still has feelings, why should we both be alone and unhappy...

thanks again

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How do you "know" what his feelings are? You a mind reader or something?

You can't do anything to change it. It's time to move on.

Definitely move forward. I don't really think there is a chance here. Not because of any games or revenge or anything, but the fact that the reason you broke up in the first place has never been resolved. I see people fall into this pattern time and time again. They break up because of a particular issue, get a little sad and lonely, convince themselves the issue wasn't that big of a deal, and then try to make it work again. And then, eventually, the issue comes up again and causes even more problems.

Learn from the relationship and move forward. Aim towards the future, not the past.

Thank you all!!!

This is how I felt about all this...I decided to leave him in April 2009 because he didn't want to come and live with me, and at the same time I found myself being scared of losing him and doing everything he wanted because at one point, to be honest, I didn't know what I wanted...because I left my job and the country where i was living to come home to live here and work with him...when he couldn't meet my expectations i made this ultimatum, or come and live with me, or we will break up, he first said that he cannot come and live with me because he had a lot of work to do...
After 6 month it hit me like a stroke - I was wrong, instead of doing my things, working on myself to become stronger and happier, I was molesting him to do all the things which I wanted...then 3 months after the break up we met and we spent the night together, then we met again 10 moths later and I told him that i loved him and that i would like to be with him again, he said that he doesnt have anymore feelings for me...then we spent the night together and the next day I was desperate, I said to myself, that's it, save some dignity, never ever contact him again and forget all about him...and I really sticked to that... BUT he was always constantly in my mind..I dated other guys but I couldn't ever get him out of my head, I was really trying, I read a lot of books about letting go, women who love to much, men like bitches... so it is not that i just moaned around being unhappy i really gave my best to move on!and also i have done a huge exam where i had to study for 5 months, completed it, and during that i was saying to myself , just forget about him, do the exam, thats the most important...and so it was... but he was constantly on my mind!!!i can be honest here...i mean constantly...then i said, i am working against myself here...i must stop, think and then decide what to do, i thought, for god sake if my intuition is telling me DON'T LET GO ... why should i work against myself and force myself to move on if i am not ready yet???
Anyway, nevertheless the urge to contact him, I resisted and I didnt do it, until i finished this exam, then i just told him look ive done the exam i would just like to give you your stuff back (i still have a bag full of his clothes) he said great , congratulations of course we could meet for a coffee (he is a very busy man, travels and works like crazy and is very successful at that, so he is not a lazy guy, he never ever wastes time)
one month after that, when i already forgot about it, when i actually thought that he will never contact me again, he invited me for a drink, i came there, we had such a great conversation, i felt great, but wasn't acting desperate at all and didnt even think about the possibility to kiss him or similar...then he kissed me ... i thought i was blessed then, i thought all our sufferings have come to an end and we will have another chance, because at the end of the day, thats all i ever wanted,now it has been a month after that and he didnt contact me yet...

It is so much easier said than done when you say you should move on, but i kind of dont want to move on because i still have feelings for him and i hope that he feels the same...


if it would be the case that he contacts me again, how should i react?please bare in mind that whatever i say, at the end of the day, i do love him and have feelings for him...

Thank you once again!!!

I really appreciate your efforts to help me out to solve this situation!

If he contacts you again, I think you should NOT see him. He isn't interested in you anymore, and all ths contact is preventing you from moving on.

You don't want to move on so you have to accept the crumbs he gives (on his terms) and you have to learn to be happy in the little bit of himself that he does give you. This man does not love you the way you THINK you love him and with enough inner dialogue you can certainly learn to convince yourself that you can survive being without him until he's ready to have you sexually once more. When someone loves you, they can't go years or months or even weeks without contacting you in any manner. People who like fk buddys can though.

You told him what you wanted way back when and he wasn't interested in giving you what you wanted. Seems nothing has changed.

Why you would want to settle for a casual sexual relationahip with someone when you can have a loving, reciprocal and sexual relationship with someone who actually has the time and wants to spend it with you is beyond me.. however to each their own.

You might want to google "limerence" and take a gander at the Wiki link on it. It might give you a light-bulb moment.

: (

so sad now...

how do people move on?HOW?

to be honest i would go to the moon if it would help...

how many more years?ive been trying to move on for 2.5 years...

how do people move on?please dont tell me open yourself for other guys and stuff, i just cant do that, i tried..anything else what works?

cant wait this horrible period to be over...

thank you

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how many more years?ive been trying to move on for 2.5 years...

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You haven't tried in the least. You cling to the thought of him when he crops into your mind. You replay your sexual laisons over and over in your mind I suppose, you fantasize about him and I'm sure you find yourself day dreaming and as I say "clinging" to the thought of him. Did you google "Limerence?"

You have to conciously STOP the thoughts. You need to accept what you HAD for what it was ~ A casual, sexual relationship and resign yourself to the fact that it was fun while it lasted but he'd make one shitty life partner.. and then mmm, bubbye him.

This is going to be the first day that you've made ANY effort to get to the stage of indifference to this guy. Good for you :)

I don't know, but from reading the above it doesn't sound like either of know what love is ...

You loved him so much you broke up with him? And for more attention?

That was quite selfish. Love is not selfish, at least, it shouldn't be.

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Originally Posted by maxmax [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't know, but from reading the above it doesn't sound like either of know what love is ...

You loved him so much you broke up with him? And for more attention?

That was quite selfish. Love is not selfish, at least, it shouldn't be.

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What would you expect her to do, stay with him and be mis-treated. It takes a lot more than "love" to make a relationship a happy one. People leave someone they love every day because of alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, physical abuse, etc and as in OP's case neglect.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

What would you expect her to do, stay with him and be mis-treated. It takes a lot more than "love" to make a relationship a happy one. People leave someone they love every day because of alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, physical abuse, etc and as in OP's case neglect.

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I didn't read anything about being mistreated.

The way she explained it makes it sound as though she didn't really want to leave him, but did so to get more attention from him i.e. him chasing after her etc.

That to me seems like playing games, and the point I am making is if you love someone, you don't mess them around like that.

I've now read on and I see she's explained her situation in a bit more detail.

my conclusion of my situation is this:
we were in the relationship for almost 2 years, he made mistakes, i made mistakes, i overreacted and broke up with him, it didnt make him wanna talk or compromise, he was just hurt and his ego was hurt...after six months I realized that it wasnt all his fault...but he didnt want anything to do with me..

now, after 2.5 years, when he invited me for a drink, and when he kissed me, i thought, yes, maybe now when we are both cooled down and we dont talk about the past anymore...maybe now we can have a second chance?

and, although it was a relationship where we both had to compromise and try to understand the other more, i thought, NOW WE WILL HAVE A CHANCE TO TRY AGAIN, now when we both are more mature and when we learned some things in life...

that was my thinking...

but considering that 3 weeks after that nice talk and this beautiful romantic kiss, he didnt call me again...made me think that maybe he is not willing to give it another try...

thats all...

this limerence term is new for me, ill definitely have a look!it looks interesting!

btw from this monday i have started my own business and i am so happy i just wish i could solve this problem with him!

ah yeah, one more thing, this definitely wasn't a sex relationship!we weren't f... buddies, thats not the case.

ah well, i guess it means that i still have to read more books, work on myself and hope that all this happened for a reason and that soon something nice will finally happen :)

i feel better now, once i shared all this thoughts with you :)

thanks again

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Originally Posted by maxmax [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I didn't read anything about being mistreated.

The way she explained it makes it sound as though she didn't really want to leave him, but did so to get more attention from him i.e. him chasing after her etc.

That to me seems like playing games, and the point I am making is if you love someone, you don't mess them around like that.

I've now read on and I see she's explained her situation in a bit more detail.

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Believe me, I wasn't playing games, because I am quite impulsive and i react straight away...i wish i wasnt...

I just hoped that after all that trouble and pain of separation...and admitting that we both made mistakes...with this kiss he meant, ok, lets drop all this behind and try again...i guess i was wrong...or he needs more time to make the next step?

ah...

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Originally Posted by KatieK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Believe me, I wasn't playing games, because I am quite impulsive and i react straight away...i wish i wasnt...

I just hoped that after all that trouble and pain of separation...and admitting that we both made mistakes...with this kiss he meant, ok, lets drop all this behind and try again...i guess i was wrong...or he needs more time to make the next step?

ah...

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That *is* game-playing.

What exactly???

Sorry but im not getting it...

You do not believe in second chance?Do u think that now he is playing games with me?

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Originally Posted by KatieK [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Believe me, I wasn't playing games, because I am quite impulsive and i react straight away...i wish i wasnt...

I just hoped that after all that trouble and pain of separation...and admitting that we both made mistakes...with this kiss he meant, ok, lets drop all this behind and try again...i guess i was wrong...or he needs more time to make the next step?

ah...

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Instead of communicating with him, you punished him, hoping he'd do what you want. This is the very essence of game playing. You were hoping to bludgeon him into compliance. When that didn't work, you felt bad - not remorse, you felt bad for YOURSELF, because you'd lost him.

What Wakeup said was also true - you were accepting the scraps he gave you, and that's not right either.

It wasn't really like that, we did talk, i did try to explain how i would like to progress with our relationship, but he didn't want to compromise...and he had his own contribution to the breakup...

At the end of the day it will be what is meant to be...but i am not getting why in your opinion, isnt possible that two people, after they were together, both made mistakes, get back together and try again?

I admit my mistakes, and I accept my part of the guilt, I am not escaping from my mistakes, not at all, at the end, the reason why am I accepting this kind of behavior from his side (like u said taking scraps) is because i felt that i kind of deserved it...but once this lets call it punishment is done, i thought that maybe we could move on?together..

In my not so humble opinion this guy was playing you from the beginning, OP. If you told him exactly what you wanted and he refused to deliver then you were right to break up with him. The only wrong thing (IMO) you did that was a diservice TO YOURSELF was you hoped that breaking up with him would get his ass in gear to give you what you finally realized what you wanted, instead of simply breaking up and getting on with your life.

Perhaps you could clarify if you actually asked this man for what you would like to have with him and he made his answer clear to you. On Edit: I see you've explained so, playing games was not what you did... as I said you did yourself a disservice though by hoping the breakup would motivate him to give you what you wanted. Well, it didn't so just put that to rest and learn to not expect a breakup to help you garner someone.

I don't think it's important to the end result because it appears he was never on the same page as you and likely never will be.

Chalk it up as a wonderful sexual relationship that has run it's course and learn from it. In the future so that you communicate your needs openly and if what you want and what they want are not the same thing then NEXT them so that you can find someone who meets the same dating goals as yourself. Make sure you know what you want or you'll never be able to figure it out while you accept stuff that's not satisfactory.

Go no contact, he'll keep you hooked with some sort of sexual addiction if you keep letting him come back just long enough to stoke the fire once again.

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i thought that maybe we could move on?together..

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But you realize now that he's not wanting what you want, right?

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

In my not so humble opinion this guy was playing you from the beginning, OP. If you told him exactly what you wanted and he refused to deliver then you were right to break up with him. The only wrong thing (IMO) you did that was a diservice TO YOURSELF was you hoped that breaking up with him would get his ass in gear to give you what you finally realized what you wanted, instead of simply breaking up and getting on with your life.

Perhaps you could clarify if you actually asked this man for what you would like to have with him and he made his answer clear to you.

I don't think it's important to the end result because it appears he was never on the same page as you and likely never will be.

Chalk it up as a wonderful sexual relationship that has run it's course and learn from it in the future to communicate you needs openly and if what you want and what they want are not the same thing then NEXT them so that you can find someone who meets the same dating goals as yourself. Make sure you know what you want or you'll never be able to figure it out while you accept stuff that's not satisfactory.

Go no contact, he'll keep you hooked with some sort of sexual addiction if you keep letting him come back just long enough to stoke the fire once again.

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I think you're right there.