Worried, scared of the end. Sorry its long..

So as some of you may know, i have been in a physically, emotional abusive relationship with a man for over 2 years.
The first year was amazing, the last year just turned horribly wrong, he started calling me names, putting me down about everything, controlling what i do, saying i couldnt see my friends, would get really pissed if i did see my friends but would do whatever he wanted to do, he started to lock me out of the house, grab me, choke me, bite or push me. He would never actually hit me though. So i wasnt sure if it was actually abuse.

I came here for advice when i started to feel unfairly treated, and people here helped me recognise what he was doing as before i just couldnt see the manipulation or control. I started to pull away from him, i moved out, i see my friends regardeless of what he says, but i am still under his control in some ways, i get scared if he says he is going to end it and still dont feel quite over him.

Well recently, he has been going through depression, he will text me all day freaking out at me for something, call me names, tell me i have to delete certain people off my phone/facebook etc.. By the end of the day he will be apologising and explaining hes feeling depressed and needs help and i always feel bad for him..

We were supposed to move in together, but after a lot of thought i just cannot do it, i will miserable, i wont have a life i will feel like a prisoner in my own home and i cant do it. I feel terrible but i know he is going to lose it and just leave me. Ultimately, in my mind i do want it to be over, i am scared for it to actually come though.

Yesterday, i decided to look at some houses for myself, i found one great price that i absolutely loved. So i took it. I havnt told him and yesterday i felt great, today i woke up and i feel nauseous, i am so scared to tell him, i feel like i have let him down, that hes going to be so hurt and feel so betrayed.. I feel so guilty.

I know i shouldnt feel this way, he has screwed me over more times than i can count, but i jut cant shake the feeling of guilt, i dont know how to tell him.

Can i get some advice? Anyone ever experienced this? SO sorry its long, you guys just give great advice. Thanks.

Good for you.

Make sure there are witnesses when you tell him.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Good for you.

Make sure there are witnesses when you tell him.

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Thankyou.
I dont actually think he will do anything if i tell him about it. This isnt the type of thing he would lose his temper about, but i know he will feel hurt about it. The thing about him, is that he doesnt believe he is abusive at all. In the past when i have accused him of being abusive, he laughs his ass off and tells me i feel sorry for myself and look up what real abuse is. Sometimes i wonder is he is right, but i try stick to my gut and realise he is abusive.

No, over this, he would just be upset and tell me i have once again f*cked him over and that he should have known. I always promised him i would never screw him and i that i care about him, i feel as if i am breaking my promise and that itself kills me. He just had a huge fight with his parents yesterday and said that everyone tries to f*ck him over, i feel this is a bad time to tell him i am leaving for good. Ugh, the guilt is just eating away at me today..

You're kidding, right?

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

he started to lock me out of the house, grab me, choke me, bite or push me.

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It's all about control. The instant you tell him that he's lost all control of you, he's going lose it. You'd be wise to do it in a public place.

Trash him, he isn't worth your time.

Really, he sounds like a complete douchebag.

The number one priority you should be caring about is YOU, guilt shouldn't be eating you up, YOU, are taking care of yourself.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thankyou.
I dont actually think he will do anything if i tell him about it. This isnt the type of thing he would lose his temper about, but i know he will feel hurt about it. The thing about him, is that he doesnt believe he is abusive at all. In the past when i have accused him of being abusive, he laughs his ass off and tells me i feel sorry for myself and look up what real abuse is. Sometimes i wonder is he is right, but i try stick to my gut and realise he is abusive.

No, over this, he would just be upset and tell me i have once again f*cked him over and that he should have known. I always promised him i would never screw him and i that i care about him, i feel as if i am breaking my promise and that itself kills me. He just had a huge fight with his parents yesterday and said that everyone tries to f*ck him over, i feel this is a bad time to tell him i am leaving for good. Ugh, the guilt is just eating away at me today..

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There is nothing at all that you have to feel guilty for! Taking care of yourself is what you're doing. Betraying you is what he's done every single time he is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. This does not exist in a respectful relationship.

I went through something a bit similar 7 years ago... I lived with my boyfriend, he was also very controlling, I felt like a prisoner in my own life. I knew deep down it wasn't right, so I arranged to move out. There is no "right" way to get out of a situation like this. Getting out though, is the first step to getting your life back together.

At the time, he said I betrayed him but what really happened was that he was a manipulative A*$&hole and I was too weak/scared to realize it sooner. After a bit of time passed.. about 6 months and I moved far away, all I had left towards him was anger -- I was so glad I wasn't with any him anymore.. he could make someone else's life miserable!! Since I've been done with that mess, I have not and will NEVER be in a crappy relationship like that again.

I can tell you the worst part about your situation is the anticipation of it all, the space you feel like you're floating in.. and the indecision that surrounds it. Once you make a decision, you have something to work towards and there is an end in sight. Rely on your support system of friends and family to get you through, keep yourself busy, and maybe take up some new hobbies to take your mind off of it all. Good luck : )

Thanks everybody for the great advice!!

I know i shouldnt really feel guilty about it, i have a feeling if he had the chance he would do this to me in a heartbeat. Well, he already did do it last year, we had all these plans to move in together, i dropped out of a great deal i could afford just because i was so excited to live with him.. then we had a fight. He was being horrible and controlling as usual and i wouldnt speak to him until he apologised, 3 days later i called upset to see why he hadnt even bothered to call, he would only text and i found out in those 3 days he had planned and moved into a new place.
I was absolutely choked.. He didnt really care, he boasted about it on facebook etc.. It broke me. When we got back together, he promised we would move out as soon as he could, its taken him 9 months of being in that house and only now he has to leave the house does he expect me to move with him.
But over the past months i have realised, i dont even want to anymore, i cannot imagine it. Being accused of sleeping with friends, not being allowed to go out, i have a young daughter and i dont even think he will make an effort with her.. Its just not what i want for her, i dont want her to see our arguments, upto now she doesnt see anything...

I just dont know HOW to tell him, he is going to be so angry. I know he isnt stupid enough to freak out on me, but he will definitely leave me and try be as spiteful as possible, get with my friends.. Just things like that, make me fear the whole move. I dont know if i am ready to feel that pain i know i will be feeling...about it. He called me today talking about moving, he was saying he wanted to have an extra bedroom or some space so he can be away from me and my daughter at times (which i thought was rude) and i just didnt say anything.. Ugh..

Its not an option anymore, i gave my deposit, plan to move on the 1st Oct. I am so excited but so nervous.. I have knots in my stomach thinking about how he is going to feel, but inside there is nothing stopping me this time from getting what i deserve.
I kind of think about just waiting for him to freak out on me again, he does it every other day about something or other about anything he can find. Which is when he will call me names etc.. I feel like if i wait until this kind of event i wont feel as bad, i can then feel it is because of something he did. But then it will feel like a devious plot on my behalf.
Ugh.. Sorry i am really over thinking it. lol

I feel such a coward for not telling him straight out, but i dont want to hurt him at all.. Although everybody tells me not to feel guilty, it is just not in me to completely not care about someone i would be really hurting.. Ah its just playing on my mind, i dont know really what im looking for by posting this. Just need to vent everything out. lol Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I just dont know HOW to tell him, he is going to be so angry.

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You're ready to break up with him, right? I mean, he's going to leave you anyway once you tell him, so you know it's over, yeah? Just break up with him. You don't need to even tell him you're moving. And do not tell him where you're moving to. Don't let him find out. Seriously. You will feel much better knowing that he can't get to you if he doesn't know where you are.

Some people are probably going to disagree with me, but I don't think you need to break up with him in person. He doesn't deserve the courtesy. You shouldn't put yourself in the position to be yelled at, made to feel like shit, grabbed, bitten, choked, or pushed. I know you think he won't freak out, but why even chance it? Email is fine. Short and to the point. "I don't want to be with you anymore. Do not contact me ever again, or I will get the police involved. Goodbye." And stick to it. Block his phone number, email, etc. Don't even give yourself the chance to cave and respond to him. Just get him out of your life.

Congrats on the new place. For someone in your situation, that's a very big step. Be proud of yourself and keep heading in that direction.

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he started to lock me out of the house, grab me, choke me, bite or push me. He would never actually hit me though. So i wasnt sure if it was actually abuse.

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Yes, you can be sure its abuse. As with the others, tell him in a public place.

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Some people are probably going to disagree with me, but I don't think you need to break up with him in person. He doesn't deserve the courtesy. You shouldn't put yourself in the position to be yelled at, made to feel like shit, grabbed, bitten, choked, or pushed. I know you think he won't freak out, but why even chance it? Email is fine. Short and to the point. "I don't want to be with you anymore. Do not contact me ever again, or I will get the police involved. Goodbye." And stick to it. Block his phone number, email, etc. Don't even give yourself the chance to cave and respond to him. Just get him out of your life.

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I agree with this in principle, but in practice it might just make him freak out more. I think you should tell him in a public place (coffee shop) and be as kind as you can without letting him dump on you. Wish him well, say its just not going to work out, blah blah. Make sure he understand this is absolutely the end. And that he has no idea where your new place is.

Good luck.

I know, i dont know whats holding me back... Because i dont even feel ready to be without him. I do love him, he is a great guy... when hes in a good mood. I know i should think of him the way he is when he is being horrible, but for some reason i dont.. I think of him in the way we are when we are good and happy together.

I have always been the hard faced type, the slightest thing that a guy does wrong i have been the one to say 'Yeah, i dont deserve this, im not wasting my time'. But this relationship is different, i feel at my happiest when we are together getting along, i just WISH it was like that all the time. I think he may have some type of mental problem, like slighty bi polar tendancies. He can be the most loving person in the world, i have never received love and affection from any man like i do him. He is always making sure i am okay, shows a lot of PDA when we are with someone, never went behind my back, but then he can be the most heartless, mean person i have ever met. Will purposely say things to hurt me, will break silly little promises i ask of him, our relationship is very one sided. He needs space with his friends, but i cant go out without him making ultimatums of me making a choice between him and my friends, wants to be with me if i do go out.

It is just sometimes, he will bring something completely bizarre up, we can be in bed watching a movie and he will mention how i act with someone, saying i act inappropriately, or if someone hits on me, its all my fault. I feel like i have to tread carefully when im with him which really sucks. Then when these conversations start thats when the fights happen..

I know i shouldnt feel like i cant be without him. But i do feel like that at times. I just am so crazy about him and care so much about him, i feel i have to get away but at the same time i feel like i will never find someone who i feel this way about. Today, i felt worse than ever, he text me good morning and how much he loved me.. and my stomach twisted. It feels like a test, like i have to break it even though he is going to be on his best behavior. I know deep down this stage he is in is going to last a few days and he is going to freak out at me for something..

I dont know.. I am so confused. :( i have mixed feelings about it all. I felt i had to make this move otherwise i would always be stuck like this.. I dont see why he has to all of a sudden change his mind and really put in an effort for us to work.. Its been 9 months. Just last week he told me he doesnt know if he can treat me well, because of the type of girl i am. (He says i attract guys the way i do, because i act available..Not because im good looking).

I dont know :( I am so very confused.

You're confusing how you'd LIKE your relationship to be (hope) and how it IS (reality). Time to stop dreaming and get on w/your life.

Have you read the Shining Knight sticky in the main Love Forum section? You should. It applies to women as well as men.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're confusing how you'd LIKE your relationship to be (hope) and how it IS (reality). Time to stop dreaming and get on w/your life.

Have you read the Shining Knight sticky in the main Love Forum section? You should. It applies to women as well as men.

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This is how i usually feel. I usually feel like i know its not right, like i know he's never going to change and that i am wasting my time. But now i am actually doing something about it, something for myself, i feel i may be making a mistake, hesitant to end it all so soon and abrupt.. Right now i feel madly in love with him, feel upset and like i am going to miss him terribly, feel sick that i am giving him away to other women. It makes me sound horrible i know, but this is how i feel :(
He just came out with this new attitude the past 2 days, out of the blue. He wants to do things with my daughter, he bought her things, made a huge effort, came to me with this big speech about how stupid he has been and how lucky he is and good he is going to be.. Now i feel worse than ever, although i feel angry that its a little too late..

I just feel very upset about the move now, i feel like i am going to regret it SO bad. But im not sure why, this is all i have been waiting for, for a few months.

I have read that actually, i didnt think it really applied to my situation, does it sound like it does?

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

He just came out with this new attitude the past 2 days, out of the blue. He wants to do things with my daughter, he bought her things, made a huge effort,

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Maybe it's because he feels you pulling away or he has an inkling that you've found your own place. It's more manipulation.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

came to me with this big speech about how stupid he has been and how lucky he is and good he is going to be..

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Bullshit. How many times have you heard that speech before?

Read this carefully: [url=http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm]The Cycle of Abuse[/url] What do you think about it? Does it apply to you?

Ugh.. :( That made me cry.. That is exactly like us, exactly how we work..

I just dont get it.. I just cannot get it though my head that, that is how he does this. Like.. I cant actually believe he doesnt love me, when we are good, i believe that he truly wants the same as me.. that he truly wants us to be good but when we argue it goes to shit. My friends tell me all the time, but i always feel like they just dont understand exactly how it is between us. Maybe they are right.
I dont know what to really think right now.. :(

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ugh.. :( That made me cry..

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I'm really sorry.

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I cant actually believe he doesnt love me

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He probably does love you, but he doesn't love you in a healthy way. Loving you doesn't make it alright to treat you this way. I doubt he plans out how to manipulate you. He likely doesn't plot out schemes to control you. That's just how he is and how he thinks relationships work. This is not an excuse for his behavior. At all. My point is that I think you're trying to wrap your head around the idea that he's a bad person. Maybe he's not, really. Nice people can do some terrible, terrible things, and you cannot change this, and you shouldn't stick around hoping he'll change. This is how he is.

That makes so much sense to me..

I just hate that he has to be like this, maybe i am just dreaming and hope he will change.. I think i might tell him today, that i am moving without him. It's going to be so hard though, it makes me feel sick :(

NO. Stop hoping he'll change - he won't. All you're doing with that hope is setting yourself up for worse disappointment and more physical/emotional violence.

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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

NO. Stop hoping he'll change - he won't. All you're doing with that hope is setting yourself up for worse disappointment and more physical/emotional violence.

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I know :( I should have known he wouldnt change. I dont understand why i believe that he wants to try and be good to me during our 'honeymoon phase'...
I told him today. I told him that i didnt think it was a good thing for us to be moving in together, that we werent stable enough and i wanted to live in a stress free environment for my daughter. He completely lost it, asking wtf i was doing, why didnt i love him anymore, telling me he was going to get me back, telling me that i was going to regret doing this etc..

It really upset me, i said i didnt exacltly want to leave, we could still see each other, he could visit whenever he wanted but just live seperately. He said i had to make a choice between the two options, move in on my own or with him. I obviously said i was going to live alone, not choosing to leave him but moving into my own place.
He said it was over, never speak to him again, that he was going to sell all my belongings and that i couldnt get them back. I want to call the police, i cant believe i thought he cared about me at all.. If he did, he would stick by me and still want to be with me but i guess not. Let alone, try f*ck me over by selling all my belongings.

Ugh.

Do it! Call the cops.

He's doing his best to hurt you, it's an abusive response.

I'm really glad you told him.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I
He said it was over, never speak to him again, that he was going to sell all my belongings and that i couldnt get them back.

Ugh.

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I'm really sorry. On the other hand, now you KNOW what kind of person he is. Someone who was healthy would be upset at your decision, they might even try to talk you out of it. But they would NOT threaten you with selling your things, etc.

Again, you mentioned someplace about dreaming. That's exactly right. Its what I said about you being disappointed at what you HOPE your relationship should be like vs. how it actually IS.

Wait for it--its going to get worse. Next phase is to apologize for his craziness about threatening to sell your stuff, etc. Then, when you restate your position I predict he'll really lose it, call you names, etc. Get ready. Hold your course and protect yourself.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I'm really sorry. On the other hand, now you KNOW what kind of person he is. Someone who was healthy would be upset at your decision, they might even try to talk you out of it. But they would NOT threaten you with selling your things, etc.

Again, you mentioned someplace about dreaming. That's exactly right. Its what I said about you being disappointed at what you HOPE your relationship should be like vs. how it actually IS.

Wait for it--its going to get worse. Next phase is to apologize for his craziness about threatening to sell your stuff, etc. Then, when you restate your position I predict he'll really lose it, call you names, etc. Get ready. Hold your course and protect yourself.

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Thankyou. :( I feel really upset about it, it just makes me sick to my stomach and i hate it, i wish i wasnt here sometimes. I cant imagine life without him, i cannot ever imagine me not loving him. I really thought i was doing a good thing, when i decided to tell him, i came to the decision that we would still stay together, work on our issues (silly decision i know), that we could live apart and hopefully when we were a little more stable that we could then think about taking it further. But he completely turned on me, i realise if he was any sort of person that i could rely on, we would have discussed it together, talked like a normal couple.
Instead he does this, tried to hurt me, he knows how much i love my ipod, i saved up forever to buy that thing and he would have sold it, i know he would.

Well, i did something last night, could have turned out being a silly thing to do. But it worked out for me at least.
After he blew up, i left it a few hours, then i called him. I told him i was sorry, but i was just confused and upset on how he had been treating me lately, that i wasnt too sure on what i wanted, but that i decided i did want to live with him. He was so happy, said he wanted to see me to talk about things. I agreed. I went over to his house, i watched a movie with him for a while, i waited for him to fall asleep, i grabbed my stuff and left.

Now he has nothing held of mine, i feel a little better. I still feel upset, he asked why i left so soon last night and just told him my sitter had asked me to go home early. So he was okay about it. I dont feel so guilty about leaving him now, i feel a little devious almost :D
When he finds out i will be ignoring him from now on, he will probably be a little pissed. If he gets threatening, im going to call the cops for sure. I have pictures of my injuries he once gave me from a while ago that i will show them, and i saved all his texts.
I guess i should feel good about myself that im finally taking a stand. But it doesnt really help. I just hope i feel better asap.

Thanks for all your support and advice. It helps!!

Hey, when you're handling snakes you get a little dirty. I wouldn't feel bad at all about what you did to get your stuff back. Its not like you lied to him and raided his wallet.

But again, be careful. Now he has no hold on you at all. Watch out for crazy behaviour. You have your child to think of.

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Originally Posted by IndiReloaded [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey, when you're handling snakes you get a little dirty. I wouldn't feel bad at all about what you did to get your stuff back. Its not like you lied to him and raided his wallet.

But again, be careful. Now he has no hold on you at all. Watch out for crazy behaviour. You have your child to think of.

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This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. Now that you've removed every scrap of control from him his violence may very well escalate - once you've removed all of that all he has to use is fear, and from what you've said about him, I believe he will. Be very very careful. Buy yourself one of those aerosol horns if you can, or a can of pepper spray. Keep it handy. Program your phone to speed dial 911. I don't think that's too paranoid.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

After he blew up, i left it a few hours, then i called him. I told him i was sorry, but i was just confused and upset on how he had been treating me lately, that i wasnt too sure on what i wanted, but that i decided i did want to live with him.

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I honestly got so sad when I read this. But it was trickery! Yay! Ha.

I like your shiny new set of balls.


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Originally Posted by HeartIsAching [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

pepper spray.

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I think it is illegal to carry this where OP lives, sadly.

Its illegal to harass someone, or worse. If you can't buy it, make your own its easy. All ingredients are easily gotten from a pharmacy and grocery.

[url]http://www.squidoo.com/make-your-own-pepper-spray[/url]

Thanks everybody, i have realised its not the end of the world if im not with him. Ah,i mean, it upsets me to no end that he is like this. I feel now that i have been stopping him from being bad to me for 2 years, like i was constantly trying to stop this from happening. I dont think this is anyway to live, why should i have to listen to this, listen to how disgusting i am all the time or feel scared i am doing something he wouldnt like. No more of this bullshit, i made it 19 years without him, i can do it again.

Last night he was drinking with his friends, he was texting me for a while, just calling me a disgusting liar etc.. I ended up just going to bed and falling to sleep. Well. i woke up with over 15 texts on my phone. All of them saying how i was going to get beaten up. I will quote one of them, it is so heartless and mean..

'Theres a H.A girl iv known for years, she said if she sees you around town she is extatic about kicking a stupid b*tches face in, i honestly told her to forget about it, but she said she thinks you deserve it and i wish i could disagree. So good luck i just hope im there to laugh at you..'
'You just made the biggest mistake of your f*cking life..You are literally DONE. haha I almost feel sorry for you..Now its f*cking on!! hahaa Awesome! Your getting stomped and i aint stepping in. Best of luck!!'

There is even a text from him, pretending to text this girl, saying yeah, let me know when you see her before you give it to her, i want to watch etc..

This is what i woke up to this morning.. I hate this.. :( All because i didnt answer my phone, its stupid im so sick of it. I am so tempted to take it all to the police, i have witnesses of when he attacked me one night, pictures of my injuries and now these. I want him to pay for what he is doing as it seems he just gets away with everything. But i am scared it will go further than i want it to and things go wrong and i wont be able to take it back you know..

As for the pepper spray, i want to definitely carry something around.. I am definitely going to look into making my own. Thanks for that link! And thanks everybody for the help.

Save everything he sends to you.. He can be taken into custody just for blowing up your cell phone with violence and hate against you. Go down to your local presinct and ask to speak to an officer just to get some advice. They will likely hook you up with a battered woman's web site or support groups ect. to help you through this and to help keep you safe while you learn to live without him and his abuse of you. Take care of yourself.

In Michigan you could easily get a restraining order for threats like that. You better go to the police to start a paper trail on this guy. He may go off his rocker and actually do something. File a police report. It will help you with further legal issues with this nutter.

OP is from Northern Ireland?

Ignore it tho. If you respond it will just go on longer. Don't feed the beast. He might think you changed your number.

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Originally Posted by HereComesTheSun [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

All because i didnt answer my phone

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Hey, you have to stop thinking this way. You do not cause him to behave like that. He behaves like that because he has issues. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You really should not be answering his texts (or even reading them, probably.)

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But i am scared it will go further than i want it to and things go wrong and i wont be able to take it back you know..

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What kinds of things could go wrong? That it will make him angrier? Well, it may or it may not. But he is harassing and threatening you, and you have to take steps to make it stop. Nobody should have to live like that. If you go to the police with this and get a restraining order, then you'd have the reassurance that you could call the cops any time he texts or calls or shows up at your door. I think that could be really beneficial for you. It's almost like you wouldn't even have to consider whether or not his contact is appropriate. You know and the courts know that it isn't. It almost takes the decision out of your hands, so you don't have to be tempted to ever respond to him at all.

At least, at least tell him clearly to never contact you again. Then if he does, well, you have no choice but to take legal action.

Here's a good link: [url=http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002]Women's Aid - The Survivor's Handbook - Getting an injunction[/url] Seems like it would be pretty simple (procedure-wise) for you to get this done. Look into it, yeah?

My dear friend you didn't do any bad thing. Esteem is necessary in any rapport then only your rapport will be on good path. If he or she cant show you respect it means they don't love you. Even ask from yourself if you don't have esteem for the one then how could you say that you spend your life happily ever after. So if this happen just think for you and yourself. Can you maintain this relation? and do what answer you get. Have a great life.....