The Vanishing Act?

Why do you guys do this to us? What do we women do to you that make you run??? I can't seem to understand this...

I am a smart, attractive, independent woman. I have no baggage and I think I'm pretty fun to be around. I like my space and give the same in return... I'm not needy or demanding in any kind of way. Can this be a turn off perhaps?

I get left in the dirt like I am nothing by almost every guy I have relations with. I know what I've got, but I'm really starting to get depressed and lose faith in love all together. I can't seem to understand men at all...

Advice Please?

You're either a) going for the wrong type of guys, or b) doing something to scare them off.

Guys don't just vanish, there needs to be a reason. For me if the girl comes on too strong at the beginning, texts or calls too much in the first couple of weeks, shows early insecurities, I usually walk away from it before there is any attachment. Not sure if this is you, but I think attaching too quick to someone is probably the best way to make someone vanish quickly.

You sound almost too good to be true.

Are you dating pretty boys that are in that "spread the seed" phase?
Do you talk alot?
Do you whine about your ex's all the time?
Do you have a generally negative attitude?
Maybe you're looking in the wrong places, a computer enthusiast probably won't find compatibility in a nightclub.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You're either a) going for the wrong type of guys, or b) doing something to scare them off.

Guys don't just vanish, there needs to be a reason. For me if the girl comes on too strong at the beginning, texts or calls too much in the first couple of weeks, shows early insecurities, I usually walk away from it before there is any attachment. Not sure if this is you, but I think attaching too quick to someone is probably the best way to make someone vanish quickly.

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Nope, not me at all. I do not initiate much contact at all. They attatch to me, then bail. :(

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Originally Posted by bloodtippedrose [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You sound almost too good to be true.

Are you dating pretty boys that are in that "spread the seed" phase?
Do you talk alot?
Do you whine about your ex's all the time?
Do you have a generally negative attitude?
Maybe you're looking in the wrong places, a computer enthusiast probably won't find compatibility in a nightclub.

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I date all kinds of different types. I don't talk about my ex, unless asked. Yes, I talk... It's called a personality. Negative attitude? Hmmmm... Nobody is happy 24/7. I just keep it real.. I like to have fun and have lots of sex too. I'm not getting what it is that you guys want...
What's the "spread the seed" phase??

Are you sleeping with guys too soon? How old are you?

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Originally Posted by Curious1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Nope, not me at all. I do not initiate much contact at all. They attatch to me, then bail. :(

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Ok, do you act too distant and disinterested? Do you make him do ALL the work? These are also red flags for guys as its a sign of early emotional unavailability or disinterest.

Red flags about girls:

1. Sexual incompatibility. Is she just a prude? Or does she open up and share herself? Girls want guys to share their emotions, and guys want girls to share their sexuality.
2. If she talks too much about herself and doesn't let him contribute to the conversation.
3. If she makes him do all the work (like setting up dates) and pay for all the dates.
4. If she talks too much about her ex's.
5. If she complains or whines about how rough life is. You make your choices, and you make life rough for yourself mostly.
6. She doesn't act like she likes him. She returns neutral texts. If you girls like a guy, you darn well better say it, or you will lose him. No vague flirting, just come out and say you like him and why.
7. If she never compliments him.
8. If she's selfish with her time, or is focused too much on material things.
9. If she has too many insecurities.
10. If she's too clingy.
11. If she's too emotional towards the guy too early. Like if she falls in love after 3 dates. Generally a bad sign, though I personally don't mind.

Curious1, so you don't have any responsibility in dating these guys? You chose to date them, but you complain when they leave you after a short time. So, why do you date this type of guy? Don't you know how to recognize a "player"? Surely there must be a common trait with these guys, like you met most of them at a bar.

Oh. If you meet a guy at a bar, chances are it's going to be a short term fling.

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Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Are you sleeping with guys too soon? How old are you?

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I am 27. Sometimes I do give it up too soon, I guess. Whatever that means... I have a really high sex drive. What's wrong with that? I know what I am doing. I am one of the few women who can actually separate sex and emotions.

The last situation I got myself into I only thought it was a one night thing, but the guy started calling me every day, taking me out and telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to be exclusive. He seemed like a really nice guy and we had fun together. I thought I'd give the guy a chance since he put in the effort... SO I just relaxed and let him come to me. Once I started to actually like the guy beyond the physical, he just stopped calling.

I was never clingy, after he stopped calling me I waited it out a week, then called to make sure he was still alive. Got a text back 2 days later- I responded letting him know that I was glad to see he's still alive, then nothing.

I don't understand why someone would go through all of the trouble spending their time, money (he spent lots of money by the way) and effort to be with someone and then just dip out one day. Makes no sense to me.

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Originally Posted by Curious1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I am 27. Sometimes I do give it up too soon, I guess. Whatever that means... I have a really high sex drive. What's wrong with that? I know what I am doing. I am one of the few women who can actually separate sex and emotions.

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Sorry, I'm not buying that. If you could separate then this thread wouldn't exist because you'd be able to tell that the "relationship(s)" you've been in have been just sex for the guy and you'd adjust accordingly, you wouldn't be asking us why they disappear on you. BTW: There is nothing wrong with "giving it up" too soon as long as you don't use your vagina as a bartering tool and expect it to get you a relationship.

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The last situation I got myself into I only thought it was a one night thing, but the guy started calling me every day, taking me out and telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to be exclusive. He seemed like a really nice guy and we had fun together. I thought I'd give the guy a chance since he put in the effort... SO I just relaxed and let him come to me. Once I started to actually like the guy beyond the physical, he just stopped calling.

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That's not quite right either because he had asked you to be exclusive and because you still had feelings for the first guy that only saw you occassionally and kept it sexual you didn't want to commit to the guy you're talking about in that quote.

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I was never clingy, after he stopped calling me I waited it out a week, then called to make sure he was still alive. Got a text back 2 days later- I responded letting him know that I was glad to see he's still alive, then nothing.

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look at your other thread for reasons why that most likely happened and why this one in particular disappeared on you.

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I don't understand why someone would go through all of the trouble spending their time, money (he spent lots of money by the way) and effort to be with someone and then just dip out one day. Makes no sense to me.

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Did you show him you cared? Did you offer to pay sometimes, did you agree to be his exclusive girlfriend? (No to that one we know for sure)???? Did you initiate and invite some of the times or did you leave ALLLL the work up to him? He asked you to be exclusive and you didn't agree. What the hell do you want a guy that knows what he wants and has the confidence to get rid of someone who doesn't want what he wants the boot to do?

I don't think you can see the forest for the trees. Read allllll of your other threads as if it wasn't you writing them and what story does it tell you about this person?

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Ok, do you act too distant and disinterested? Do you make him do ALL the work? These are also red flags for guys as its a sign of early emotional unavailability or disinterest.

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Well, you guys don't wan't us to be "needy". Besides, I am quite busy. I do not feel like we need to text all day long... A little "hello" or "good morning" is all I need. I also have my friends that I like to go out with occasionally.(without bringing a guy along) I have my own life. I like my space and I feel weird invading other's space. When I am in a relationship, I do not want to be around the person every single day. Is that wrong?

I've been under the impression this whole time that women should not initiate contact with a man, or plan dates or let them know how much we like them because they'll see you as "depserate"and/or "clingy" and run. I've always been told to let the man come to you and go on with a take it or leave it attitude... I thought men like being in control aka wearing the pants. When a woman starts to do the work it almost seems like we emasculate you and so you leave anyway.

How do you balance that?

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Originally Posted by Curious1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, you guys don't wan't us to be "needy". Besides, I am quite busy. I do not feel like we need to text all day long... A little "hello" or "good morning" is all I need. I also have my friends that I like to go out with occasionally.(without bringing a guy along) I have my own life. I like my space and I feel weird invading other's space. When I am in a relationship, I do not want to be around the person every single day. Is that wrong?

I've been under the impression this whole time that women should not initiate contact with a man, or plan dates or let them know how much we like them because they'll see you as "depserate"and/or "clingy" and run. I've always been told to let the man come to you and go on with a take it or leave it attitude... I thought men like being in control aka wearing the pants. When a woman starts to do the work it almost seems like we emasculate you and so you leave anyway.

How do you balance that?

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~ Why do you think that if you Keep doing what you've always done, you'll suddenly be successful when you never have been yet? The very thing you are finding zero results with is the way to do things? Uhm, No! Further: You can be in an exclusive and committed relationship and still do things with your friends without your SO present every single time. They will be cool with that if they actually know they are your SO.

Surely you can see that you need to change it up in order for you to get what you want? The men are treating you like you treat them... with indifference and they're seeing you when and until it suits them. Figure out if you want to be a casual hook up or if you want to be committed because you're trying to be both at the same time and you need to be honest with these men if you want to maintain your freedom and not have them disappear on you.

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Originally Posted by Curious1 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Well, you guys don't wan't us to be "needy". Besides, I am quite busy. I do not feel like we need to text all day long... A little "hello" or "good morning" is all I need. I also have my friends that I like to go out with occasionally.(without bringing a guy along) I have my own life. I like my space and I feel weird invading other's space. When I am in a relationship, I do not want to be around the person every single day. Is that wrong?

I've been under the impression this whole time that women should not initiate contact with a man, or plan dates or let them know how much we like them because they'll see you as "depserate"and/or "clingy" and run. I've always been told to let the man come to you and go on with a take it or leave it attitude... I thought men like being in control aka wearing the pants. When a woman starts to do the work it almost seems like we emasculate you and so you leave anyway.

How do you balance that?

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Based on this, it sounds exactly like that, let the man plan everything, let him so all the work, and never initiate because your fear seeming needy and desperate.

The balance is doing what you feel comfortable with, calling and texting when you feel like it, sometimes planning things, and sometimes just doing your own thing. You're here pretty much telling us that you expect the man to come to you, and as soon as he pulls back, he is guilty of disappearing. What have you done to retain these men? When the guy pulls back, to you contact him or just let him go?

I'm starting to understand this a bit better now. I think you're just not putting in the effort when you find someone who does like you.

You're right... This is exactly why I am on this thread asking for a male point of view.

Stop living by all these dating rules about not contacting, letting the man do the work, take it or leave it. Those rules are dead in the modern age, if you want someone, show them you want them.

As long as I'm not smothered, I'm flattered when a female shows interest in me and has the initiative to act on it.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Stop living by all these dating rules about not contacting, letting the man do the work, take it or leave it. Those rules are dead in the modern age, if you want someone, show them you want them.

As long as I'm not smothered, I'm flattered when a female shows interest in me and has the initiative to act on it.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Based on this, it sounds exactly like that, let the man plan everything, let him so all the work, and never initiate because your fear seeming needy and desperate.

The balance is doing what you feel comfortable with, calling and texting when you feel like it, sometimes planning things, and sometimes just doing your own thing. You're here pretty much telling us that you expect the man to come to you, and as soon as he pulls back, he is guilty of disappearing. What have you done to retain these men? When the guy pulls back, to you contact him or just let him go?

I'm starting to understand this a bit better now. I think you're just not putting in the effort when you find someone who does like you.

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Most women have been conditioned to think that men lose all interest in us after we sleep with them... That can really be confusing and make us insecure... By being insecure we sabatoge ourselves. We have also been taught to "do nothing" and if a man wants to come around he will. If not,"do not call him", God forbid we call a guy we are interested in or tell him we like him.

If you ever get a chance, read some of the books written for women. Even the ones written by men telling us what we should do and how to act if we want a relationship. Games!! I know what neediness is and I know what confidence is. I am a rather confident woman and I am comfortable with myself, However I have the idea that men are always out to get something from me (negative past with men) so I can come off a bit closed off emotionally until I feel safe... I not over affectionate and I keep them at an arm's length. This may be percieved as disinterest. I may not be putting in enough effort as I should... I do make the man work quite a bit. I don't really know how to show my interest, I guess. I do jump to conclusions.. If a guy I am seein starts pulling away I assume he's over it, so I try to move on.

Real relationships are hard for me to cope with. I stay independent because I am tired of the pain that comes with it all. Relationships also mean expectations.. sometimes expectations that I cannot meet. I've been single for 2 years. It is hard to express my feelings so I have a major emotional wall. I would like to have something meaningful now that I am older. I kind of feel that if a man is not willing to be patient with me and break through that, then why bother??

Thanks for all of your input. I am seeing things differently.

Please don't take offense to this, though it sounds like you could use some counseling. It appears as if you are projecting your past problems onto future paramours Nd that will get you no where.

Before meeting my husband, I went through a stage where I was doing the opposite of you with the same result. In was clubbing a lot and attaching myself to any good looking guy that came along. I'd get physical way to quickly and then hassle the crap out of them. Then I read dating secrets of the 10 commandments. It is a brilliant book, I highly recommend it. Rather than teaching you how to game play it teaches you how to spot games and avoid them and what to do instead if you are in a game playing pattern. After reading that book I put myself through a period of celibacy, learnt quite a bit about me (and guys. Saying "I'm celibate" to a guy in a nightclub is an interesting way to sort the jerks from the genuine. The jerks bolt, the genuine stay to chat) and was ready to start things with my husband by the time things fell into place.

Point of my story, change your tactic and you should have success.

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Originally Posted by MaidenMinx [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Please don't take offense to this, though it sounds like you could use some counseling. It appears as if you are projecting your past problems onto future paramours Nd that will get you no where.

Before meeting my husband, I went through a stage where I was doing the opposite of you with the same result. In was clubbing a lot and attaching myself to any good looking guy that came along. I'd get physical way to quickly and then hassle the crap out of them. Then I read dating secrets of the 10 commandments. It is a brilliant book, I highly recommend it. Rather than teaching you how to game play it teaches you how to spot games and avoid them and what to do instead if you are in a game playing pattern. After reading that book I put myself through a period of celibacy, learnt quite a bit about me (and guys. Saying "I'm celibate" to a guy in a nightclub is an interesting way to sort the jerks from the genuine. The jerks bolt, the genuine stay to chat) and was ready to start things with my husband by the time things fell into place.

Point of my story, change your tactic and you should have success.

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Oh yes, Counseling it is!

Simple. Don't put out. Make'em beg... Works every time...

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Originally Posted by skeeziix [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Simple. Don't put out. Make'em beg... Works every time...

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Only if the guy is overwhelmingly into you to start with. This tactic will help to separate the men from the boys, much like telling guys you are celibate. That was so much fun back in the day.
"I'm celibate"
"really? Why?"
"cos sex has a habit of turning seemingly nice guys into arseholes"

It was funny how many guys bolted. I can assure you every single one that bolted was strictly looking to get his dick wet.

Cerby has some good posts in this thread. Read them again.

I can tell you, coming from the viewpoint of a decent 29-year-old dude, what I think.

1) If you're interested in a guy, show interest. Don't overcomplicate this.

2) Playing hard to get will get you nowhere with a normal dude. It may work on a desperate guy or a player who enjoys chasing things. I'm guessing you don't want either of those types of guys.

3) NO GAMES. Game playing gets you nothing.

4) Get out of clubs. Could you find a decent, attractive, intelligent bf in there? Maybe. But your odds aren't good.

5) Have sex when you are comfortable having sex. But. Trying to turn a ONS into a relationship maybe isn't the best way to go about it. You don't have a prude about this, but waiting a little while to get to know the guy won't hurt anything. I'm not saying wait a year, but what's the harm in waiting for a month until you get to know what the guy is about?

Whatever happened to just being yoursellf and acting naturally? What's with all the contrived behaviour and analytical bullshit?

I get so frustrated listening to the plots and counter plots of 'how to pretend to be what guys/ girls theoretically 'look for' or supposedly expect in a 'quick screw' versus a 'relationship' etc etc, ad nauseum. Sounds like you all expect go go fishing in a Woolworth's datery and order up a specific type and what, throw the nonspecified, or shop soiled ones back? I wonder if its a city thing? or if no one respects the process of social meet, greet, get to know and gravitate to couple exclusivity via normal community and honest knowledge of each other?

Maybe you should just move to a small town or get a dose of reality, as in, try being a poser and wagging a false tail at a boy when his mother knows your mother and everything you've got up to from the cradle!

My point is, why try to be what you are not and then suffer a rejection phobia when your falseness is not accepted? Its pretty ridiculous whichever way you look at it. If the contrived behaviour gets the guy then you are still set up to fail when you, by your own words, 'relax' and HIGHLIGHT the false facade, so, duh, he leaves anyway.

Best advice: Be exactly who you are and if that does not attract a mate, ask yourself if YOU like who you are? If you don't, then why should anyone else? Work on that. If you do, then go find your own kind and stop trying to bend yourself out of character to please wankers you don't want anyway. Being alone is better than being lonely in a bad relationship. And the one you don't have to analyze and don't want to fool is the one who won't want anyone but you.

Best tip I heard for knowing when to put out, 30 hours of conversation.

my normal plan is a month, ill know or have a good insight to what sum1s about by then, sleep with me before the 1st date....i dunno look at it as too needy and well i peace.