I was skeptical...but it's working!

Alright guys/gals. I'm sure some of you know my situation, but if not, go to my previous post(s) especially this one and you can update yourself. [url]http://www.loveforum.net/t5959-question-about-no-contact.html[/url]

I have gone a month without no contact and I'm back on here just to give you all an idea of where I'm at. First off, I have to say that I was skeptical about no contact, because I truly thought that if I didn't talk to my ex, it would just continue to lower the chances of getting back together with her. I did it thinking that maybe she would eventually start to miss me so much that she would have to call me. What I didn't realize is that it is helping me SO much to get on with my life. Fact is, No Contact really does work. It started off with me telling her we couldn't be friends, because I couldn't handle it. Then she contacted me and asked me to go to a gala with her. I didn't go. Then I was a gentleman and wrote her a nice Valentine email. She replied back, but asking me to fix her computer. That same day (at least I thought I was being civil), she accused me of not helping her and not being civil, simply because I couldn't help her at that moment quoting 'I thought that after 3 years, we could at least be civil and help each other out'. Although I did what I could. Recently, I wrote a few letters to her, but didn't end up sending them to her. If you want, I can post them up too.

How I would like people to respond is that I am feeling weird feelings about all this. I don't know if it's normal, but I seem to be changing a lot of who I am. Every so often, I get these times. Few short minutes where I just wish we could work things out, then most of the time, I feel like this was actually for the best and I'm better off how things are. If anyone can relate, I'd like to hear their story too. I know I still miss her and 3 years is a long time. I guess I just want to get an idea of what I'm feeling. Any suggestions or relations would be appreciated.

Cdoc

I just wish I was where you are at... I wish I could feel like my b/f wasn't the best and most suitable person for me, that he and I were made for each other with our little eccentricities etc. I think what we all have to realise - and this is what I am really trying to tell myself - is that we aren't tragic hero/heroines - these people left us, and there is no starcrossed lover syndrome about it. They just didn't feel enough for us at that time. I keep convincing myself that he has problems/ issues, but the bald reality is, he doesn't love me enough, and there is nothing so mystical about that.

So in summary, hearing your strength is a lesson to us all. You have been such a support to me, and I so admire the fact that you are helping others on this forum despite the fact that you are going through such a tough time yourself. Don't feel bad that you are feeling more detached, and don't be like me and use it as an excuse to test the water again - you are just letting yourself in for so much more pain! Let me be a lesson of what not to do!

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Originally Posted by Tonia2

don't use it as an excuse to test the water again - you are just letting yourself in for so much more pain! do!

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Well said, Tonia.

Dude,

I have been thru everything you just mentioned. It does get better, and im assuming that you realized that "no contact" isnt necassarily about getting your ex back. No contact helps you realize that you can, and will ok. Without it, the pain and heartache would linger with false hopes.

I think that people sometimes forget that their exes broke up with them. Its hard to accept, and it doesnt matter if it was your fault or not. The fact is that they made a conscience decision, and breaking up is the effect. I know in my experience, I would think of all the reasons why things ended, new friends, partying scene, distance, insecurities etc. Trust me i have been thru all of it. The last thing in my mind was actually accepting the fact that it was over, and made all sorts of excuses in as which it ended.

You can't get away from the facts. Initially, i would think to myself, "if i could just go back things would be different." The fact is, that things probably wouldnt!! I wouldnt take back the time with my ex. It was a great learning experience, and i had some amazing times, but its over. Once you accpet that, then life moves on. No contact forces you to accept reality. Boy, im rambling.

Its friday, and i need a drink!!!! lol

Thanks for your replies. Tonia, thank you very much for your comments. I am glad to be of help. In a way, we all try to cope through this with as little pain or hurt as possible, and this way has worked for me. We are all individuals and we need to find it in ourselves to continue to be strong. Don't be so hard on yourself though. Telling everyone that you are a lesson of what not to do. I disagree. If each person went through all your posts and read them, you have been an inspiration as well. With the strength that you gathered, it is still admiring what you have done and you're still standing strong. I know you have the strength, because you've already shown it. What's done is done.

Keepingsecret, I'm glad to see that you can relate. And I'm glad to hear it gets better. At first I did think that no contact would make her see that "you never know what you have until you lost it", but that's not how it has worked for me. At least not yet.

In any case, thanks so much for the replies to you guys. Tonia, keep smiling and stay strong. keepingsecret. I'm not just having ONE drink, I'm having a party tonight. Go figure!! lol

Thanks

you know it........ i've been sick for awhile now, but today i feel great...... bring on the boose and hoes!!!!!hahahah j/k

sorta.....lol

Well im glad that both of you are doing good (inkeeping and c1d60C) i tried helping with my advice on no contact and youve both stuck with it, and youve hit on the right point: no contact works because it means you have no choice but to get on with things, instead of lingering about wondering what if and hanging on to you ex: it shows you that you can and will be ok. So well done to you both and im so so so glad to see your both doing a lot better, stay strong :)

Tonia, i really do feel for you, but your time will come, it just takes some people a lot longer to realise their ex isnt the one for them, and you writing this stuff down in your post is actually a good sign because it shows you are starting to let go of him, rather than wait around for him to sort out his problems. He may have problems and if and when he sorts them out he can come and talk to you...but who knows where ul be, probabaly with a better guy who u deserve! :) Stay strong
much love to all xxx schuey's girl xxx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tonia2

I think what we all have to realise - and this is what I am really trying to tell myself - is that we aren't tragic hero/heroines - these people left us, and there is no starcrossed lover syndrome about it. They just didn't feel enough for us at that time. I keep convincing myself that he has problems/ issues, but the bald reality is, he doesn't love me enough, and there is nothing so mystical about that.

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Tonia, I feel for you exactly. However, it's not that we aren't tragic heros/heroines, it's that we don't have to be. I've actually used that exact term to describe what I was feeling like.

Because we are tragic, Tonia. And the way I see it, I would be more happy with another tragic person who felt as deeply as I do about things than with a person who just wants to have fun all the time, craves attention, and is basically shallow and insensitive. No matter how cute and innocent they are.

I urge you to read this article. And then if you feel a sudden rush of insight, take the test for yourself. It's pretty revealing. And allow to make a little prediction:

"I see a little blue in your future..."

Mystical? Tonia, believe me, you have helped your ex-boyfriend in ways he is only beginning to understand. We are the tragic heros, babe, but be tough. I have a feeling we'll be okay.

Love ya.

[url]http://www.agonline.com/eric/color/yellow.asp[/url]

Sorry, forgot the site.

Peace.

thanks mate.. i will be there in a week or so. And its good to know someone is with you and what you are doing is THE RIGHT THING.
Well I have had sudden emotional bursts about how I want it all back or how I hate her behaviour, but then most of the time its nice to be single, out of all those tensions of doing things "right" and all. As you said the biggest incentive is we are getting to live OUR OWN LIFE ONCE AGAIN. And thats something even you must have enjoyed too.. well good luck and hope we all stay strong:)

Who are you talking to and what about, confusedsoul?

Now I am the one who is confused! Aahahahaha!

Erm. yeah...

well my rambling thoughts were meant for C1d6OC :).. And I was talking about myself being in similar position :(
Anyway sorry to get you confused friend

Sorry I'm back now guys. Thanks for all the replies. It's nice to know that many people believe I'm doing the right thing, but I guess in some ways it also depends on your particular situation.

Here's a little update. On Friday, I was preparing for my party, when my sister is talking with her on MSN and wouldn't you know it, she asks how I'm doing. That's right, she asks my sister how I'm doing. My sister is great, in fact my whole family have been so supportive and have not said a single word that would give my position away. In any case, I kind of took it to heart, because apparently my ex is afraid that if she "calls" me I wouldn't like it and she thinks I'm avoiding her. I find this real strange since SHE broke up with ME. In any case, nothing was said except the fact that apparently if I sign on MSN, she is going to message me. Whether or not, I message back will be up to me. I feel that I have built enough strength to handle things now. In fact, I'm almost certain that getting back together will not be a good choice right now. I guess it doesn't help matters much when I'm starting to feel attracted to a lady friend of mine. However, she just got out of her relationship too. But, turns out, this lady friend had a crush on me when I was with my ex at the time. NO, I"M NOT IN REBOUND. I don't intend on dating her, but it would be nice just to have a bit of fun. Anyways, that's my update. Again, thanks for your replies. And Tonia, as Bohemian says, we all feel for you. You know it.

Thanks

Thanks guys - so much support - so appreciated on a sh*t monday afternoon...

You are doing so well, and I admire you. It is so tempting to go back for a little comfort, as I have found out recently sadly, but I think we all know that the comfort is very transient. I like the way you vocalise how you are feeling - it helps us all. Go and have some fun and let us know how it goes. Off to read that article now... thanks bohemianandout.

Most definitely blue - with a bit of white... very perceptive! Strangely this only rings true for my romantic relationships though - all my friends would tell you that I am very assertive, controversial and eccentric. My ex b/fs would tell you that I am self-critical, accommodating, loving and loyal. Strange, isn't it.

I think I'm going to check out this article and see where I stand...lol

I just felt like posting to tell everyone that I'm doing the same (GREAT). Just a quick update. Since my last post I had considered unblocking my ex with MSN mainly because if she contacted me, I know I'll be ready this time. I have unblocked her and it's almost been a week and nothing so far. I'm not too concerned particularily because I am honestly enjoying being single. I just want to say that although things may have seemed so torn apart and the world seemed like it was caving in, things do get better with "TIME". Time heals all wounds...this is true. Things do get better. Learn from your experiences, because they are there for the taking.

I have read many posts when I first started in this forum and have taken the advice of many. I want to thank those people for their efforts and consideration. I will keep you all posted if something changes. Thanks again.

Cdoc

Wow... that sounds so great. It is really reassuring to see someone a little further along the journey - and that we ALL get there in the end. I really believe that. These people have less and less ability to get under our skin. I am proud of you! Pretty text book behaviour really. How would you feel if she did come back and say she wanted to give it another go?

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Originally Posted by Tonia2

How would you feel if she did come back and say she wanted to give it another go?

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To be quite honest, I think it would totally depend on the situation. As it stands right now, I would not only because of how things are going with me. Maybe in time. But right now, I miss her and still care about her, but not enough to risk what I have right now and that's my own dignity.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there would have to be a lot of changes if this was to work again, because I've adjusted quite a lot and I like my adjustments. I don't intend on changing them. And for all I know, she could have changed quite a bit too. I really have no idea.

This is the best answer I can give you for now. :D

Cdoc

Sounds pretty sorted and positive - well done. Certainly sounds like you would only have her back on your terms, which is what we are all striving to achieve.

Ok, this is a REAL update. So I was on MSN last night talking away to friends and out of nowhere, my ex contacted me. Said she wanted to talk. So I said that I would prefer it not over MSN. She said fine. I asked her what she wanted to talk about. She said that she is really upset and needs someone to talk to. Figures she chooses me. Anyway, I'm doing great with my life so I just say if you want you can call me. She says "if you don't mind". So right away, I know she's afraid to talk, but I say "I don't mind". So 10 minutes later she calls. Apparently since the breakup, she has been doing real bad in school. She gets excellent marks always and now she seems to be dropping quite a bit. Ironic, considering the fact that because she was stressed and didn't have time for school was one of the reasons she broke up with me. Anyway, I was fine the whole conversation and she was crying throughout. She feels like she's been punished for breaking up with me. So here is what I told her.

I told her that she shouldn't look at this like she was being punished. Instead, I said people go through this and you shouldn't stress yourself so much over it. You have to focus more. I even said that as long as you feel you did your best, then that's all that matters. The more you stress about it, the less you will improve. It's true. Anyways, I said that she had a great head on her shoulders and just get back up and keep going. I can't believe that I was so calm with my words. Nervous, but calm. I felt like I handled this quite well.

Anyways, she said I was right and thanked me for the talk. I told her that she doesn't have to be afraid to talk to me and at one point I non-intentionally made her laugh. :D

After speaking to my family, my mom thinks it could be a sign. I don't want to think about it too much, but any thoughts would be nice. I'm still doing great with my life and I want her to do the same. But it doesn't appear that way for her. I also feel that she has family and friends that she could talk to, but came to me instead. I don't get it. I'm not sure if I ever will, but after the phone call, I was fine and not depressed or anything. The rest of the evening went well and I went to a movie with friends. Anyways, as requested, please give me your thoughts.

Cdoc

All I can say is that you have handled it brilliantly! I don't know what she is feeling, but you will probably be making yourself irresistible to her with the way that you are behaving. You will have really made her curious - she is probably expecting you to be a mess without her, and she will probably be quite bemused that you are not. I would imagine that she expected you to be bashing her door down after the breakup, and has used this as a spurious excuse to contact you and see how you were doing.

How are you feeling about it? Do you care one way or the other?

Tonia, I think that I knew that I would be able to handle it ok and not let myself down. Because of that, I feel quite good. Whether or not I care is a good question. Of course I care, I think that she may not have gotten answers she wanted out of everyone else (family and friends) or just decided to contact me to see how I'm doing. I didn't let her know what I was doing. I stuck with the conversation at hand, regardless of being tempted to discuss the past. I just asked her if she was ok and she said that she wasn't because of this. I have no intentions of reading into it too much. But to me it just seems very odd that she would come to me even after everything that has happened...I really don't see what other reason to come up with that. Not to mention she was crying. Thanks for the response though.

Cdoc

Very good Cdoc!

You're a role model for everyone here!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bohemiandonut

Very good Cdoc!

You're a role model for everyone here!

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Thanks bohemian...I understand things a lot better than I did one month ago.

:D

Well it has been a few days, since my last update when my ex contacted me, but for some reason, it just keeps lingering in my thoughts. I still just don't understand why she wanted to talk to me about how badly she was doing in school and although I'm certain there was hidden meaning, I feel like I'm slowly starting to let my feelings get the better of me again. I just need some help as to why my ex did what she did. Please give me your thoughts.

Thanks
Cdoc

I thought this might happen... seems like you were doing sooo well on NC, and then this took you straight back down. I am not saying you haven't done brilliantly, but I think it might be time to resume strict NC, don't you? Try not to look into what she was thinking - i seem to remember you saying to me once that unless they are stating that they made a mistake and want you back, it doesn't mean anything anyway.

I know you are right. Damn though, easier said than done. I will resume the NC for sure, but it just caught me thinking. With regard to my statement with the whole "stating that they made a mistake and want you back". I still stick by this, I guess in some ways, that is what I was expecting when she said she was upset and needed to talk to me. I mean wouldn't others think the same? I'm doing absolutely fine still, however, not to assume or anything, but after people talk to me, they agree that she may end up coming back in due time, based on the events. Where this is a problem for me is as much as I want to say that I won't go back, I really don't know how I'll feel if she decides to do it you know? I do know one thing though, I'm not going to risk the life that I'm having right now, because I'm having so much fun with friends so she'll have to accept that if things do "work out" per se. Thanks Tonia, I needed the slap to wake me up a bit.

Cdoc

• Of course she might come back – please don’t think I was saying she wouldn’t, but you need it to happen on your terms. You are doing everything right. She will definitely be wondering what is up with you – particularly as you were quite ambivalent on the telephone, so I have no doubt that she is seriously wondering about your situation – she is obviously thinking about you. I just don’t want to see you slipping back into letting it consume all your headspace – that is where I am at the moment and it is exhausting – much better to concentrate on yourself.

Don't you wish sometimes you could take your own advice? lol...I assure you it won't consume my headspace. I did understand where you were coming from no worries on that. See at first, I was NOT going to look too deeply into it, and I haven't, but it's still lingering a bit. It will go away soon I'm sure. A few days after, what helped was that I wrote her a letter that I will never give her basically asking why she contacted me and such. Just the questions I wanted answered. Writing stuff down helps a lot for me. One day, I'm sure I'll go back over the letters when I'm completely over her and think "wow, I wrote that?"

Anyway, don't be so down on yourself. It is exhausting, but that's what these forums are here for, to get it all out and let some random person(s) know how your situation is and it helps a lot when that person can relate in some ways. You will do fine. Thanks Again.

Cdoc

p.s. Tonia -feel free to PM me any time.

:)