Need help regarding an (online) relationship..

Ok so, i met this girl just over a year ago on icq.. i understand this topic will probably put a lot of people off, but it's one of the easiest ways for me to find someone, which unfortunately for me has been really hurtful and disappointing to say the least. So after a little while we got quite close considering it was just an online thing, we talked really often. She even sent me a parcel with a couple of presents in for christmas as well.

Eventually she said she was going to come over to visit and in future hopefully stay here with me. Only one problem, she asked me yesterday if i thought she was gay.. of course i asked her why and she just told me she finds females attractive. I had a long chat with her today, and it appears she is not happy and can't be pleased by me in this one way. Even though we've never met to do anything like that yet, i am really confused because after all the chats we had together and telling me what she enjoyed turned out to be a lie?. She tells me all the other feelings she has for me are real, i never even thought she was interested in the opposite sex.

What do i do? this might not sound like much to some people, but at the moment i feel really bad and unwanted.. how could she be happy with some girl, that she wouldn't be able to have children with one day if she wanted?. I also can't understand why she lied to me about being happy about this one part of the relationship, she did say she wanted to keep me happy but i don't know. I know she said her parents would kill her (not literally) if they found out she was attracted to women.. I don't understand what's going on, i think she could be happy with me but it almost seems like she doesn't want to be?.

I don't know where i stand and i never really expected this to happen, though she did seem a bit off the past few months when i mentioned sexual things.

if she can't be happy with me in a sexual way.. this is not my fault, i feel like crying.. it feels like if she doesn't get it from a girl then everything else is meaningless.

Can anyone help with some good advice?, please don't just say stay away from online dating or anything like that.

I guess there isn't much to say. I know you feel betrayed and unwanted, but that is life. It happens pretty often to many people (even if you don't want to believe so - just read our boards ; ) ). I think it was nice from her part, that she was honest with. The thing about her parents, it's her problem, let her choose how she will solve it. You should actually consider it as a bit of luck, she told you how it is, before you got the chance to get attached to her physically as well.
It will hurt a bit, and then you'll get over it. And I think you know what to do.

The thing is, what makes it worse is she already knows i am kind of withdrawn, i don't get out very often and things like this depress me to no end. She even said she didn't know what to do about us, and then asked me as if it could be up to me if i want us to be together.. i feel like giving up on finding anybody, i am actually really tired of trying only to get the same result each time without ever having a proper relationship. I'm past my mid 20's, even if i wanted a kid sometime i'll end up being too old for it.

Why ask me if we should be together if she says she can only be happy sexually with another female?, the way she was talking though is like sex is the only thing in a relationship. I agree it's a big part, but the whole thing?.. what can a woman do that i can't?, all because of this single thing it just feels like a huge kick in the balls.

Then she was talking about being friends. I don't want it because it only reminds me of everything that happened between us only to tell me a year later she prefers women.

I am also pretty sure i am the only one that seems to be extremely pissed off and upset by this

Lets open this up a bit more...why are you so set on online relationships? What is the self-esteem hitch for you that makes you feel un-marketable? Its much easier to be with someone who you can physically touch, so why not try finding someone local?

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

The thing is, what makes it worse is she already knows i am kind of withdrawn, i don't get out very often and things like this depress me to no end. She even said she didn't know what to do about us, and then asked me as if it could be up to me if i want us to be together.. i feel like giving up on finding anybody, i am actually really tired of trying only to get the same result each time without ever having a proper relationship. I'm past my mid 20's, even if i wanted a kid sometime i'll end up being too old for it.

Why ask me if we should be together if she says she can only be happy sexually with another female?, the way she was talking though is like sex is the only thing in a relationship. I agree it's a big part, but the whole thing?.. what can a woman do that i can't?, all because of this single thing it just feels like a huge kick in the balls.

Then she was talking about being friends. I don't want it because it only reminds me of everything that happened between us only to tell me a year later she prefers women.

I am also pretty sure i am the only one that seems to be extremely pissed off and upset by this

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Lets put it this way... Do you want to settle with a lesbian that will not even be interessted in you all life? I'm sure it will be a good solution for her. She won't have to tell her parents, have you as a mask, but she won't have sex with you, you know why, and she'll have sex with some women. This is what she meant, when she was living it up to you if you want to stay with her or not.

much appreciated [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lets open this up a bit more...why are you so set on online relationships? What is the self-esteem hitch for you that makes you feel un-marketable? Its much easier to be with someone who you can physically touch, so why not try finding someone local?

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Well, like i said in my last post.. it's much harder for me to find someone, local or not, than most other people.

It's hard for me to communicate with people outside, this is the main reason i try online. I don't want just anyone i want someone i can connect with and i honestly thought this person was that one. Admittedly i've been let down before, but this one felt like something was going to become of it.

Now i'm pretty sure she will probably break up with me, i don't want her to but that's always my luck.

Oh for goodness sakes.. Get out there and find yourself something to do that interests you enough that you'll meet like minded people and maybe, just maybe you'll find a girl that you can get to know in real life and save yourself the false emotions you feel when a cyber girl breaks up with you.

Sports, games, classes, groups find some that you like and get out there and enjoy your SINGLE life and your COUPLE life will come.

You're getting hurt and you've not even had the pleasure of actually being together. How sad for you.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh for goodness sakes.. Get out there and find yourself something to do that interests you enough that you'll meet like minded people and maybe, just maybe you'll find a girl that you can get to know in real life and save yourself the false emotions you feel when a cyber girl breaks up with you.

Sports, games, classes, groups find some that you like and get out there and enjoy your SINGLE life and your COUPLE life will come.

You're getting hurt and you've not even had the pleasure of actually being together. How sad for you.

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You have no idea how i feel, and there is no need for that attitude toward me at all.

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Originally Posted by Wakeup [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh for goodness sakes.. Get out there and find yourself something to do that interests you enough that you'll meet like minded people and maybe, just maybe you'll find a girl that you can get to know in real life and save yourself the false emotions you feel when a cyber girl breaks up with you.

Sports, games, classes, groups find some that you like and get out there and enjoy your SINGLE life and your COUPLE life will come.

You're getting hurt and you've not even had the pleasure of actually being together. How sad for you.

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Welshy, all of this above is very good advice. I know it's hard right now especially since you seem like you don't have much experience but if you take baby steps and get out and do things that interest you, it will be a huge relief. I don't know if robot (one of our members) is still around but last time i talked to him he was doing much better and even found a girl...and he took huge steps to get there. You can do it!

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Originally Posted by Petit Papillon [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Lets put it this way... Do you want to settle with a lesbian that will not even be interessted in you all life? I'm sure it will be a good solution for her. She won't have to tell her parents, have you as a mask, but she won't have sex with you, you know why, and she'll have sex with some women. This is what she meant, when she was living it up to you if you want to stay with her or not.

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No i wouldn't like to settle with a lesbian, i just still find it hard to believe she would rather be with some woman instead.

How can she know she's more interested in women, if she has had no sexual contact with either sex?. I am just really confused.

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I am just really confused.

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Yes, yes you are. How can you know you even have any attraction for one another if you haven't even met? Get out from behind the safety of your computer and mingle. You'll never get past your social anxiety if you keep catering to it. What will you do when you meet someone from on line --- you actually meet in person and have a bit of connection and then she bores of you because you have no hobbies, interests or activities that keep you an interesting guy?

Join a running group, I run in a marathon group and its 75% women, all of whom are social and fit.

You are a negative person, its clear that by the way you feel your luck goes you have no optimism towards relationships. This might be one of the issues as to why you feel more comfortable online, the emotion is based on what you build the person up to be, and not what they're actually like (in most cases).

Wakeup nailed it, you have some social anxiety, and a councillor might be able to help you out.

you make it sound easier than it is, i don't think a councillor helps either from past experiences.

Everyone i have met online has given false hope to me though, this one i honestly thought was going to turn into something good.. it just built up a lot of feelings and to be told that she prefers girls really hurts me, she told me last year that one time she kissed another girl but it did nothing for her.. so why say that?, she said she was looking for a permament partner.

I'm really likely to even give up trying to find someone online because it turns into a huge waste of time, it's hurtful and the lies hurt even more.. seriously, how hard is it to find a nice honest person online? extremely, by the looks of things, i should know because i've been trying for years.. i'm sick of going through the same thing over and over, just for the same result.

I don't have much hope for finding anyone outside either.. and from how thing's have been, i don't think i'd even like to try.

I just feel like being sick.

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you make it sound easier than it is, i don't think a councillor helps either from past experiences.

Everyone i have met online has given false hope to me though, this one i honestly thought was going to turn into something good.. it just built up a lot of feelings and to be told that she prefers girls really hurts me, she told me last year that one time she kissed another girl but it did nothing for her.. so why say that?, she said she was looking for a permament partner.

I'm really likely to even give up trying to find someone online because it turns into a huge waste of time, it's hurtful and the lies hurt even more.. seriously, how hard is it to find a nice honest person online? extremely, by the looks of things, i should know because i've been trying for years.. i'm sick of going through the same thing over and over, just for the same result.

I don't have much hope for finding anyone outside either.. and from how thing's have been, i don't think i'd even like to try.

I just feel like being sick.

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Why not try actual dating web sites like lavalife, plentyoffish, match and so on? You make a profile about things you like and don't like and whoever likes it will respond. If you're set on online stuff anyways. Also, are you saying that you tried therapy and it hasn't worked for you?

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

you make it sound easier than it is, i don't think a councillor helps either from past experiences.

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And you're making it more difficult than it needs to be. So let me pitch you this...Try online dating, you get the chance to meet local girls, but through an online setting. My current gf was met on Plenty of Fish, I also dated a girl I met on ICQ when I was 18. Other than that I've met people through running, charity events, hell, I even dated a girl I met through small talk at a coffee shop.

If you assume everything will fail, it probably will. You're here asking for help, and there are people who are experienced in dating trying to help. You're falling back saying "oh online is the easiest, but it still doesn't work." You have social anxiety, and a councillor CAN help if you go in with an open mind.

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Originally Posted by Asip4u [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why not try actual dating web sites like lavalife, plentyoffish, match and so on? You make a profile about things you like and don't like and whoever likes it will respond. If you're set on online stuff anyways. Also, are you saying that you tried therapy and it hasn't worked for you?

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I have actually tried a couple of dating sites in the past, thing is how am i supposed to fill in much detail about myself if there isn't a whole lot to say?. See what i mean?, yes i've tried therapy before, i just didn't feel it helped at all.

I also want to add to my last post, i've still been talking to her and she asked if i wanted to try and work things out. How is that supposed to work? she said i make her happy in every way but that one way, if she likes girls then what is there to work out?. Seriously i am confused, it's making me feel worse talking to her as well.

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have actually tried a couple of dating sites in the past, thing is how am i supposed to fill in much detail about myself if there isn't a whole lot to say?. See what i mean?, yes i've tried therapy before, i just didn't feel it helped at all.

I also want to add to my last post, i've still been talking to her and she asked if i wanted to try and work things out. How is that supposed to work? she said i make her happy in every way but that one way, if she likes girls then what is there to work out?. Seriously i am confused, it's making me feel worse talking to her as well.

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I know it's hard to understand but this is just a fantasy right now(you and that girl) and down the road you would find out eventually that it's not going anywhere and it would hurt you MORE. If you at least started slowly looking at women in your area (even if you found them online) and started talking and eventually meeting up for coffee or whatever, you would start getting comfortable. As Cerby already said, you can't be so negative all the time or you'll never accomplish anything. Have some belief that it will work out and start taking baby steps towards it.

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I have actually tried a couple of dating sites in the past, thing is how am i supposed to fill in much detail about myself if there isn't a whole lot to say?. See what i mean?, yes i've tried therapy before, i just didn't feel it helped at all.

I also want to add to my last post, i've still been talking to her and she asked if i wanted to try and work things out. How is that supposed to work? she said i make her happy in every way but that one way, if she likes girls then what is there to work out?. Seriously i am confused, it's making me feel worse talking to her as well.

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No one ever has much to say, we're not all astronauts and bull fighters. For me I just outlined that I run marathons, don't do drugs, enjoy sushi and going to comedy clubs. Add humor, some nice pictures, and you're off.

You've built dating up to be this massive process that requires a certain amount of something to get involved in, but the reality is you don't need to be anything in particular, you just need to be yourself. You need therapy for self-esteem issues I think. You carry no sense of personal worth, so you turn to online only relationships, which as simply unfulfilling IMO because without personal contact, its just chat.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

without personal contact, its just chat.

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This is true, but i don't talk to them just expecting a chat, this girl i knew the past year was going to come meet me and if it wasn't for this one thing getting in the way i believe it would happen.

We talked about a lot of things over that time, i still can't believe she'd rather be with someone her own sex than with me who she'd built up trust with and everything.. Practically everything we talked about feels meaningless even though she still means a lot to me.

is it worth me asking her to talk to somebody about being attracted to girls?, get some help?.

would anything change her mind at all?

Why would you want to change her? Sexual attraction isn't something that can be "fixed", its either there or it isn't. She feels attraction for women, thats how it is. She isn't broken or needs to be fixed, its who she is.

I think you have more pressing issues to deal with yourself, asking her to seek help to fix your relationship probably isn't one of them.

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Originally Posted by Cerby [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Why would you want to change her? Sexual attraction isn't something that can be "fixed", its either there or it isn't. She feels attraction for women, thats how it is. She isn't broken or needs to be fixed, its who she is.

I think you have more pressing issues to deal with yourself, asking her to seek help to fix your relationship probably isn't one of them.

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it was only 2 months ago that she was going to come visit me, she was all for it. She has not had any sexual contact with anyone, how can she be attracted to women if she has not even given us a chance yet?

see i don't think she really is a lesbian, more confused because of no contact.. she really does not seem that type to me, so i really want to make it work..

i really need some help on this..

I got a text from her telling me she is sorry for hurting me and is confused, as i guessed..

she is telling me she wants to be with me, but she likes women and she likes me. what can be done about this? it's still awkward.. i mean, if she was with me, does that mean she wouldn't want anyone else?.

I am just as confused as she is now

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Originally Posted by Welshy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

it was only 2 months ago that she was going to come visit me, she was all for it. She has not had any sexual contact with anyone, how can she be attracted to women if she has not even given us a chance yet?

see i don't think she really is a lesbian, more confused because of no contact.. she really does not seem that type to me, so i really want to make it work..

i really need some help on this..

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You need to forget this girl and move on. You need to change your attitude ALOT! Dont say it cant be done because people like yourself change their ways all the time

I agree, besides it comes in nature that you can't change other people. How can you be able to change her from liking women? So, you better think deeply and decide for yourself and not for her.