Boyfriend wants a break

Hi this is my first time posting and I hope you guys can help...

Background: I am 25 and my boyfriend is 29. I am living in another country (have been for the last 1.5 years), my bf is from here but lived in my home country for a good chunk of his life as well (15 years). We started dating a few months after I started living here, so have been dating about a year. He also practically moved into my apartment about 5 months ago, but recently moved out as a result of this "break". We have had our problems, mainly being that I am too dependent on him since I dont have many of my own friends here other than him and his friends AND we also work in the same building! However, he has said things to me like he doesnt want to meet the friends I make here because they arent important in a long term sense (since I am only temporarily living here) so it basically makes me choose HIM over my friends almost all of the time - which isnt fair.

So, a couple months ago we started having major problems. I felt he was always lying to me and turns out I was right - though, he was only lying about very small things that I imagined were much worse (like, cheating). I would constantly accuse him of being up to something, just because I could sense the lying even though it turned out it wasnt anything major he was lying about (according to him of course! - he lied a few times about who he was hanging out with, some girls - which I dont even care about because half the world is female so its unavoidable but I guess he didnt want to make me worry so lied about it. Making him an idiot.) Another one of our problems is that he doesnt want to have s*ex with me nearly as often as I would like. I am BEGGING for it. He seems to only want to 1-2 per week (for the last 6-7 months). He said its because he sees me too much and we talk too much, and all of my accusations about his lies make him not attracted to me. And, he also said he doesnt have as high of a libido as me (with previous bf's - even one I had for 4-5 years - we would have s&ex nearly every day and thats more my speed since its about the initimate bond). I know its not everything, but I just feel totally unattractive since my bf CONSTANTLY turns me down. Of course this is also why I thought he was cheating... Another thing he mentioned as related to the lying and no-sex, was masturbation. I asked him how often hes been jacking off instead of doing me and he said also 1-2 per week. Then he asked if I care if he watches porn while he does it, which of course I dont - its not cheating? But I do wish he had sex with me instead of jerking off. And then he asked if I care if he went to live sex shows (without me). I kind of flipped and said, I would definitely go WITH him but would definitely not be comfortable if he is going by himself. Especially since I AM BEGGING FOR SEX. So I got pretty pissed he was even asking this, and then he said he was asking it like an analogy as to what kinds of things he needs to tell me about (i.e. what constitutes lying). This seemed like a big red flag to me, and its something difficult for me to let go - this didnt seem like some random hypothetical question he was asking even though he claims he has no interest in this and it was truely a random question... hmmmmmm....... Coupled with the fact that I dont have a lot of my own friends, we were living together, see each other during the workday in the same building, talking during the day via email/text message - he wanted space from me. I obviously freaked out (stupid I know) and was naggy and needy please dont leave me blah blah blah. So, last week he finally decided he couldnt take it anymore and we broke up - because he said all he really wanted was some space but since I wasnt able to give it to him he had to choose to break up (in an ideal world where i wasnt a whiney gf, he would have just needed me to respect his space). Now, we are together-ish I guess have decided to have a (no-cheating) break for 1 month to figure things out. Part of it is just to get space from each other, part of it is for me to really establish my own group of friends from the few that I already do have, part of it is for both of us to really evaluate if we want to be together or not and if we are really the right people for each other. [He is naturally the kind of guy that likes doing his own thing/having a more separate life from his gf - while, I am more the bf/gf type and like going out with friends, etc. WITH my bf 90% of the time. He is also moving back to my home country around the time I am expected to return home so we are pretty serious about trying to work it out and have a future]

So, it seems like he genuinely wants space and I did the classic wrong thing of not giving it to him (because I am in another country and am exceptionally needier than usual). Plus, I tend to think people know if they want to be with someone anyway and if he wants to be with me then thats that and often a break to me is just breaking up so I really didnt give him the space in the first place. My question is if you think he really wants the 1 month off to evaluate things with me and wants genuine space? Or, if he found someone new and is stringing me along a little (of course, I am on forums like this reading horror stories and freaking myself out in my desperate state)? Hes said things like he thinks our current situation sucks because I do not have my own circle of friends (and since I am a foreigner here it is difficult to really make a close group of friends anyway, which he understands) and we also work in the same building, etc. He says he sometimes wishes we could just completely start over when we both return to my home country. (In my paranoid state, I took this as code for him wanting to enjoy his last 6 months hooking up with other girls in his home country and then reconvening with me when we are in MY country since that would be more convenient - thats probably not the case, even if it is a possibility).

HELP. I am obviously a blithering mess over this guy.... I think I probably really screwed it up, but I need to know if this is really about space at this point or if maybe hes already decided to move on and I am just like the desperate back up girl that he will string along until we go back to my country. And, if this is just about space - what should I do now? How should I handle this? Just not talk to him at all - its an entire MONTH. Its been about 4 days and we have talked, but he doesnt seem interested in talking really nor does it seem that he misses me (especially over this weekend, he really didnt talk to me at all - so of course I jump to conclusions that hes enjoying his time with some other girl(s)).

Can someone please tell me w.t.f. is going on with this guy???? All of my friends think I am nuts to even care about him since this relationship sounds extremely dysfunctional. I am at whits end here.

Give him a break if he simply needs to have some time by himself. But this is generally speaking... what i am "guessing " is he wanted out of the relationship... By being in "break" your relationship with him him will not necessary improve. but yes give him a break and let him come back if he loves you, he will contact you if he wants to be with you.

Good luck

No he wants a month off to see if you will make the changes you need to make. You need to stop being needy and clingy. You need to learn to have a life of your own outside the relationship and let him have his own. Show some independence, and maybe create a new you, a new attitude towards your relationship. So yes stop talking to him, and focus on yourself, your life, and spend time with friends.

Thanks for your responses. I totally agree that I need to have more of my own friends and my own life but he makes that exceptionally difficult by saying he has no interest in meeting or hanging out with them. In previous relationships that I considered normal - we didn't go out all the time together but we certainly shared our friends and would often go out as a couple. He seems to want at least 3 nights per week to go out and do his own thing on a regular basis (we live in a major city so people go out literally 5-7 nights per week). Maybe he wants all this time to go out because he hasn't been getting enough space but this seems like a lot to me if he wants to be able to have half the week going out without me on a regular basis, etc. My friends think maybe he has some other girls or something - but I don't think so, but I'm really not sure. I have constantly questioned him about these kinds of things (like why he wants to be able to go out so much without me) which created more frustration and less space but since he didn't want to have sex either it made me more worried. Do you really think its possible he just has needed more space and it's spiraled into affecting our sex life and now has led to this break? Or do you think he hasn't been that into me for a while and has maybe been dating other girls on the side? I am so confused right now and his behavior seems very strange to me. I should probably just take your advice though and shut up and if he wants me he will come to me. If not, then good riddance. Loving him obviously makes this easier said than done.

I'm interested in what you said

Said about what? Sorry I am not sure what part of my post you are referring to haha

It's a spam bot, ignore it.

I think he's too cowardly to just flat-out break up with you, and so is calling it a "break". He's been lying to you all along, what makes you think all of a sudden, he is going to turn into an honest guy?

Yea, I definitely hear you on that. Especially since he seems to think a little bit of lying is OK in the first place (he blames this on cultural differences, which I think might be a crock of sh...) But, he says that he only told the lies he did because he thought I would overreact and/or it didnt seem worth mentioning to even upset "us" for one second. I told him that I could sense it and that caused bigger problems than what he was lying about in the first place - of course, now I have trust issues because my instincts about him are really off (how can I trust what he did tell me is even the whole truth, will I just think hes lying all the time now?, etc.) He seemed extremely guilty when he told me what he was lying about though so... I dont know. I am going to give the break a shot and honestly expect that its just short for break up. If he doesnt want to break up after that, well - I dont know then. But, one thing is for sure that if he treats me the same way when we return to my country - I will surely dump him since I will have more/better options than here (predominantly due to language barrier alone). I just wish I could figure it out. He mostly blames me for everything (though he admits he was in the wrong too) but turns it all around on me somehow... ah... what a mess...

Which culture (in his opinion) thinks lying is okay? Just curious...

well Buddhist I guess. His exact words were "I'm not Christian, telling small lies is not a sin to me". (his "small" lies involve lying about entire evenings out - for example, saying he went with his 2 guy friends when he really went out alone with a female coworker "so she could complain about her bf" - or saying he was only with 2 guy friends but really they invited a bunch of girls, but no mention of the girls in fact he would say ONLY A and B went out with me). I said, "Plenty of Christians lie, plenty of people lie - and I and my significant other arent one of them to lie to each other. its a personal belief, not Christian, and its one you can share or not". He seemed to shut up after that and said "Well as I told you, now that I know you arent comfortable with me lying, I would stop doing it but you dont believe me". Ahem, said the liar. Hahaha

Oh and I am not even Christian really. Barely raised Christian even - I often say that I am agnostic if I have to describe myself. So he is really doubly an idiot.

Since fully admitting the lying - I made it clear I have had bf's be wing men in the past. And I have had bf's have female friends, coworkers, etc. Sure from time to time people get jealous (I am not exactly NOT a jealous person) but if you are just honest with me - then I will learn to deal with it. I have had bf's tell me all about how they went to this or that bar and helped so and so pick up this girl but she wasnt into him and gave him her phoen number instead, blah blah blah. Yeah, I kind of scoffed at them but we ultimately laughed about it 20 minutes later. So, this is the kind of honest relationship (aka normal relationship) I am used to - whereas apparently he is used to hiding things from his significant other. He even says stuff like he wouldnt care if I dated other people or cheated on him as long as he never found out. What kind of idiotic logic about ignorance is bliss is that? At least on the ignorance is bliss concept, I do blame that on potentially a cultural difference. I am living in Japan, so... However, I am posting on this forum and would like to avoid analyzing him as a Japanese man and instead just as a man. Basically anything I read about Japanese men is terrible, and I think it would be narrow minded of me to not deal with him as an individual. I dont think all men here are the stereotype we hear about, and I think that stereotype is definitely becoming a thing of the past. Unfortunately though my very westernized Japanese bf conveniently blames things on "cultural differences" though. Several of my other foreigner friends have said that these kind of "international Japanese guys" (and girls) often use this cultural argument in their favor. So, I am basically trying to ignore it for the time being.

You should start moving on. End it for him, since he can't for whatever reason. Whatever is going on, surely is not worth what you're going through is it? You haven't said one good thing about him.

Well of course, the good times are great which is what keeps me in this. But yes I totally hear you. I actually tried breaking up with him several times over all these things but, didn't really stick - I was just extremely angry. He says the month break is for us to step away from the mess we creates for "us" and evaluate the relationship, etc then hopefully get back together with a fresh mindset. My thought is that I feel like I'm the one doing all the changing and doubt he will do
Anything at all and still complain about me - even if there's plenty imperfect about him. I guess im
On here to just try to figure him out. For other people to help figure him out... Sounds like you are all saying it doesn't matter though since its just not working.

look what happened to ross and rachel after a break. He pumped a stripper, and 5 series later they were married. only in america

That was not encouraging at all lol

give him his space, he may be feeling smothered by you. He doesnt have to hang out with your friends. Men enjoying being men and the only way they can do that is when they are alone or with other guys. Give him his space and if he cares about you and wants you in his life, he will come back or slowly reinclude you back into his life, if he doesn't then you need to move on.

I'm just paranoid he's trying to play the field and possibly hook up with girls or something. It's fine to flirt to figure out if you still want someone but we agreed no dating or hooking up. It's just hard to believe him with the lying and all. I think for me he DOES need to hang out with my friends sometimes. I've never had a bf in my entire life tell me he had no interest in meeting any of my friends. He said it was bc the ones I meet here are only temporary but ten went on to tell me he has avoided previous gfs friends too. It's not like I'm asking him to a pow wow with my 5 girlfriends, I'm asking him to parties or drinks at the bar, etc with all kinds of people. Im sorry, I don't think never hanging out with each other friends is a normal relationship and certainly not one I'll be happy in. And it's certainly not conducive or supportive of me making my and keeping my own friends here. It just adds stress.

If you want it to work, then back off and leave him alone. Not every "break" means a potential break up. How the hell can he clear his head with you nattering at him? We can all take a stab at what might be going on with him, but what is going on with him should be none of your concern for now....you need focus your energy and work on what is going on with you. If things don't work out, oh well , at least you have made corrections about yourself so your next relationship's problems don't end up on here again.

Thank you... You're right. It's just so hard to be in this position. He also randomly talks to me over email.. Even today after I told him yesterday if he wants space then I can't chit chat with him bc it just makes me miss him and want him around. But then he still wants the physical space from me.

Stop focusing on the negative, and concentrate on the positive things in your life whether it big or small...evey bit helps.

I'm going to give you some comments, not to be mean, but to show you what things you can work on to improve yourself.

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I felt he was always lying to me and turns out I was right - though, he was only lying about very small things that I imagined were much worse

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I think you are being a bit over reactive here.

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but I guess he didn't want to make me worry so lied about it. Making him an idiot.

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Nope. He lied because he knows you would over react. He's not an idiot.

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And then he asked if I care if he went to live sex shows (without me). I kind of flipped and said, I would definitely go WITH him but would definitely not be comfortable if he is going by himself.

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You are over reacting again.

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He said its because he sees me too much and we talk too much, and all of my accusations about his lies make him not attracted to me.

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I don't blame him for not being attracted to someone who flips out over minor things.

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This seemed like a big red flag to me, and its something difficult for me to let go - this didn't seem like some random hypothetical question he was asking

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You need to learn when to let things go.

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I obviously freaked out (stupid I know) and was naggy and needy please dont leave me blah blah blah.

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Your neediness is a sign of over reaction.

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I am obviously a blithering mess over this guy....

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Because you LET yourself be a mess over this guy.

I suggest you get professional counseling and tell them honestly what happened. That's just for a start.

from your original post and subsequent posts my gut feeling is that you two are not compatible. different people need different things. you enjoy spending time with your partner and sharing your life with him, sharing friends, nights out together as a couple etc. he enjoys his freedom, likes being more independent, doing things alone, etc. you won't be happy staying in this relationship. and i don't think you should go and try to change yourself and your nature for this guy. just find someone who feels the same way you do.

i dated a guy for 5 years who was like your bf. liked going out and doing his own thing all the time and i wasn't happy because i'm the opposite. he would also lie to me about small shit too to avoid "hurting" me, although any genius would realize that it hurts more to find out that you were lied to than to have been told the uncomfortable truth to begin with. anyways, we eventually broke up and now i'm with someone who is just like me. enjoys spending time with me, sharing experiences with me, hanging out with friends as a couple etc. he gives me the kind of affection i want/need and vice versa. it's great and there is nothing wrong about it because we are both happy. i didn't have to change myself. he loves me for me. you can find that too.

it sounds like staying in this relationship will just make you miserable. the fact that he has lied to you about stuff is no good. he shouldn't lie to you about anything, and if he feels he has to, then it just reiterates that you guys aren't right together.

if you feel you will be a lot happier by expanding your own circle of friends, then do it. but not for this guy. do it for yourself. and if your anxiety has been an issue in past relationships, or if you have always had trust issues with past bf's, then take some time to reflect on that. figure out why you have those issues and develop ways to avoid behaving like that in future relationships. if you need some guidance, then look for a professional who can assist you. but in the end, i don't think you should be with this guy. he isn't right for you and you aren't right for him. you are on two different sides of the spectrum and would be better off with different people.

A break means he wants to end the relationship IME.

Just end it for him, don't speak to him again.

I know it hurts but you won't regret my suggested action in the long term :)

Get brave dump him.

Thanks for all your responses. To Bullrush, I think some of your points make sense but in general I didn't always overreact. I do now to find out that yet again he told another lie. And my original post said "small" things but some of them aren't as I mentioned in a subsequent post. Some are lying about who he was with for an entire evening. Also about the live sex show - him asking wasn't the problem. It was that he was asking me as though he was doing it and trying to find out if this counted as lying. Obviously he would have had to tell me he was going somewhere else other than a sex show if he felt he didn't have to tell me right? That's lying. That was my whole problem about it. He said he never went though after he saw why I was upset and realized I thought he had lied again. I hope that is the truth though. Also, I did see a psychologist here and he basically told me everything I'm experiencing with my bf is typical for "western" girls dating Japanese men. He basically said he will probably always lie to you and very good chance he's doing worse. I stopped going to him though bc I felt this was a little racist to encompass everyone's behavior and experiences the same just because I'm white, he's Japanese, and our problems sound similar to similar couples. We are still different people. The doctor basically blamed my bf though and said we just aren't culturally compatible. I think this advice was very short sighted though and didn't address any of the problems that have been happening (both on my end and my bfs).

Totally agree to RdHrshyKss. Just feels more hopeless here bc I have less options and my bf constantly tells me he doesn't want some totally independent life but then he flips out randomly and goes off doing his own thing and practically ignores me.

Live sex show...is that just stripper twirling on a pole? of is that actual people having sex?

People having sex. And in Japan it is usually audience participatory... He said he's never been and doesn't even know where they are in Japan (which is a possible lie bc I know they exist... And I have a good idea where they are though it's not commonplace). So who knows.

Everything except organized paid intercourse is legal in Japan. But, intercourse is legal if it's through "private arrangement". Lots of bj parlors, soaplands, hostess clubs (which are just talking actually), sex clubs, etc. all around. So yes people, this is the kind of possibilities I'm dealing with. Not the usual safe world of just strippers you might be thinking of.


Marriages here are sometimes not for love so... Lots of married people have extramarital affairs and it's almost culturally acceptable. I think this was much worse in the past as it is now and of course this is not every Japanese person. My bf says this is why he isn't married yet bc he believes in 1 person. But I really struggle with this idea given how the culture seems to be from a foreigners outside view sometimes. I realize I may be overly paranoid but as the psychologist told me, what I've been experiencing as a western female here is quite normal and common to have concerns about. This is why all the lying no matter how small gets blown out of proportion. It's hard for me to believe its just small things...

You have all this in North America too. Some of it is not so out in the open but is available pretty much anywhere. So I don't think is a cultural difference, just wrong choice of BF.

No no you don't understand. This is in the open. I think it changes things a lot and how people think of things. I'm not saying it doesn't exist in other places by any means but it definitely changes the cultural dynamics when it's almost acceptable. But I'm not saying I even think he's doing any of this. Just that all of this makes possible normal relationship problems blow up into something worse. I don't think he would deal with all this for this long if he was just some sleazy guy. I think he could find a Japanese girl who would never question any of this bc she's either doing it herself and/or was raised with it around her and knows at least how to handle it/deal with it. I don't think he would go so far now to prove how he only believes in 1 person etc. but the whole comment about sex shows really threw me off.....

Of course in general I want to be sure I'm with someone who really does have the same beliefs instead of someone who may have been culturally trained to think a little lying and cheating is totally fine... Sure people anywhere can have all kinds of relationships but in my culture - you are honest about your needs whatever they may be, and a little lying and cheating is not acceptable (even if some people do it anyway). This is a fundamental difference I am struggling with when it comes to believing him and trusting him. It's not as simple as just comparing whether or not the same things exist in different places.

Well if you have to beg for sex or the sex has run dry, it's not looking good or worth waiting around for. What so he comes back and says the right things to you? That works for you? All you are doing is going around in circles telling yourself this isn't working, but the next second you say it has to work....Me personally, I would just blow out of this pop stand.

Yea.... I think ignoring that there could be cultural differences than a lot of Bullrushs post is applicable. I think I'll give him the space, think about things myself, and if he wants back in then I'll try again but end it if he reverts back to his ways even after I calm down and stop accusing....

If he wants a break, break his nose. If he wants space, push him out an airlock. A viable relationship is not improved by taking a break from the relationship. He is thinking about leaving you and this break is just a practice run.

All hail to Vincenzo the wise. He is the chosen one, the Jedi Master of the forum. Posts wisely does he.

It's falling on deaf ears.....

So he was a complete a-hole to me today even though he has been talking to me over email the last couple days... I ran into him this morning and sent a simple email like "that made me miss you" and he just responded like a dick for what seemed like no reason so. I'm taking my friends advice and all of yours. I'm just going to ignore him for a week or more or until the end of the break. If he ends up wanting to break up then so be it. I'm sick of getting walked all over like a weakling.

Just letting everyone we broke up! I ended the break early bc I couldn't take it anymore.... And I almost immediately found many new guys that want to go out, but one in particular that is much more like me about relationships! I'm so much happier now (though it's still new obviously). Anyway now my ex bf is begging me back and all this crap and I've just been nice to him about it but explaining we just aren't right for each other, regardless of him saying he will "change". Thanks you all very much, especially the poster who said she had the same kind of relationship for a long time and then found a guy who is more like her - since there's nothing wrong with that. The amazing thing to me is that I feel more like myself and even though this new relationship is still in early stages, so we are still dating/not hanging out everyday or something - I actually trust him and don't have all these feelings like he's lying like I had with my ex (feelings I started to have with him after 2 weeks and I rightfully should have had them).