No contact or one contact?

Very short version:

GF sent FB message "please stop texting me, I've changed and don't want what were were, I don't want to see you or talk to you."

That was a couple of weeks ago, we've had no contact since.

I've gotten differing advice from friends (some are mutual friends with her) and family.

either 1. no contact means no contact, don't say a word to her or even let her know anything about your life now, if you contact her it's disrespectful because she asked you not to

or 2. it's okay to send ONE (and only one) message just saying "I still love you, and I'm here if you change your mind." (or something like that)

(the people in category 1 either say I don't need her and should move on or that "she knows she feel that way about her, you don't need to tell her.")

Opinions?

Just move on n respect her not to contact her again. This happened to me last week and if that what she wants then we should respect her decision. If she miss u then sure she'll contact and ask bout u. Give her a break and dun make her angry by contacting her.

Her sister-in-law is one of the closest people to her, and I am friends with her SIL on FB. Would it be out of line to send her SIL a brief FB message asking how (GF) is doing and if she thinks there's a chance she will want to get back together sometime, or if I should let her go and move on? If she's really done with me, I'd like to have some closure. If she just needs time alone, I'm willing to wait awhile for her.

Right after my GF sent her last message I was angry and hurt but decided to move on. I signed up on a couple of dating sites and started talking to other women. I had a date set up for this weekend. Then I woke up a few days ago and decided I wasn't ready (not just over my GF, but I never took any real time off between splitting up with my wife and dating this GF.) I canceled the date (she understood, we left the door open to go out in the future) and hid or deleted my profiles. Every day I feel like I'm ready to move on, but every morning I wake up thinking about her and wondering if there's any chance she will change her mind and want to get back together.

Respect her? No, you move on and you respect YOURSELF by not contacting her again. She knows how you feel about her and she knows where to find you if she's changed her mind. That is all you need (IMO) to now be able to maintain no contact and get about healing from the failure of the relationship.

If you're still FB friends with her, is it okay to occasionally "like" things she posts on her page, or on mutual friends' pages?

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Originally Posted by loveagain [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If you're still FB friends with her, is it okay to occasionally "like" things she posts on her page, or on mutual friends' pages?

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Stop being friends with her. You're clinging to nothing here, her saying "please stop texting me, I've changed and don't want what were were, I don't want to see you or talk to you." was the end of it, this wasn't a questionable break-up when silly no-contact strategies will work. She told you flat out to screw off and leave her alone. This couldn't be more clear. Wakeup is right, start respecting YOURSELF by moving on.

Back away from her Facebook page, dude. and leave her alone. Cut all ties NOW, because it will only hurt more the longer you hang on. There is a beautiful girl out there who is waiting for you to say hello!

I tried to keep in touch with my ex, and the worst thing is to see his new GF on FB.
If it's over, let her go. I wish I would have done that..

technology muddles all the rules up! though i reckon no contact is always best, simply because you can get on with your own stuff, and maybe she will have a chance to really miss you...

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Originally Posted by zay [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

technology muddles all the rules up! though i reckon no contact is always best, simply because you can get on with your own stuff, and maybe she will have a chance to really miss you...

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Sorry to wade into an old thread but I just had a personal experience with the "no contact" thing after a breakup and I'm now even more convinced that this is absolutely crucial to re-building your ex's attraction. And like you said, if it doesn't work out, then at least you have built some distance and learned to live without your ex on a day-to-day basis.

Also, if you do decide to contact her after X amount of time (i'd say at least a month if you relationship had been going on for a year or more), you don't want to just jump back into the old habit of saying the same needy stuff to your ex.

(Also I agree with your comments re: technology... wonder how many relationships facebook has ruined?!)

If you lead someone on, waste their time, cut them off it's perfectly alright for them to ask you why you did it. It's within your right to ask her. It's within her right not to respond, but that doesn't mean you can't ask.

You can contact her, she was your ex. But, why would you? And if you want to prolong your agony, you can contact the SIL, that's not a problem, but again why would you ever want anything to do with someone who once was your girlfriend and now treats you like a lepper.

But, this isn't that cut and dry as some on here think. There are many different circumstances. So something like this: "please stop texting me, I've changed and don't want what were were, I don't want to see you or talk to you." could mean something entirely different depending on the situation. If she is very much in love with you, and you hurt her by cheating on her, she could still love you and say something like this out of anger, frustration, that you did this and not mean it. Again, this isn't probably the case with you, but I don't exactly know the situation, need more info.

If I were you, I'd just leave it be, she isn't worth wasting any more of your time.

But, the fact that you are wondering if it's ok to contact her, shows you weren't very close to each other (at least in the end), otherwise you wouldn't feel uncomfortable about contacting her. The reason you feel like that is because you feel like you are a stranger to her.

she clearly said stop contacting me. your making her your new obsession. every get sick of the girl who kept texting or sending you messages wanting to see you after you dumped her? well its time to grow up. the sooner you realize its over the sooner you can move on. piss and moan for a week or 2. be burned out a few days....hell cry all night if you want IDK whatever makes you realize this person is not going to be there for you.

thats when you accept it and let it go. they make new women everyday, ive gone thru about 10 this year.....get use to it.

I've hardly been in this site in almost 3 weeks, and I come back and find this thread is still active. My thanks to everyone who has posted here.

A brief update: I didn't contact her; but shortly after my last post here, she contacted me. We ended up chatting online and she apologized for the way she cut me off and gave me an explanation of why she did it.

We're talking (online or text mostly, sometimes on the phone) every day, though I'm not sure where we are, or going. There are a lot of issues to resolve, and I want to both change some things about how I handled myself before, and not rush back into anything.

I intentionally gave the barest of details when I made my original post because I didn't want to complicate things, and was reluctant to post too much personal information. I'm going to backfill some of the story now, if anyone is interested. Then it might be time to move this to another forum to discuss if and how I should move forward with this relationship.

- We're long distance, 2 hours apart. We've known each other since college, ran in same social circle but not close friends. We were essentially out of touch for over 20 years while I was dating and married to my now ex-wife. My kids knew her but not that we were dating until last summer. Last Fall we were talking about marriage and integrating her with my children. At the same time my ex-wife was being very spiteful and telling my children hurtful things about me and my GF. She had 4 or 5 visits that involved my kids in some degree. On some of these she thought my children had poor manners, and - worse - a couple of times my son directly said hurtful things to her that his mother planted. At the same time, her best friend and closest family member took ill with cancer and died in mid-May. She said after that happened, she realized my kids were too influenced by a mean and spiteful woman and her loved one had been her buffer and something that was hers when things weren't going well with us. So she only wanted to be by herself or with her family.

Where are we now. We communicate some every day. Maybe just a couple of texts, maybe a call, maybe chat extensively on Facebook. We pretty pretty much avoid major issues but chat about what we're doing, watching, how our day was, etc. Sometimes she seems to take an interest in what my kids are doing, but only briefly, and when I asked her advice on something to do with my children she snapped at me pretty hard that she's not involved in that part of my life anymore.

I'm in love with her and want to spend my life with her. I also know that for many reasons (not all articulated here) this is a difficult relationship for her. The only thing she may have to keep her in it is her feelings for me. I'm not afraid to move on, but as a friend of mine said you can always find something easier, but if you're in love, fight for it. The thing is that right now what I'm afraid of is that if I push things either she will withdraw again (maybe for good) or she will want to move back into the relationship full force and then when things aren't perfect it will end up worse than before.

i just did a similar thing w/ the guy im dating.. i got mad at him n let it build up then blew up at him n told him that "this is the last time u will be talking to me".. except i didnt mean it. but if i was to really not want to talk to a guy again i guarantee he wouldn't be my "friend" on FB. n so she is either playing u for a fool. or she is the fool herself. either way it's lose/lose.

Thanks for the responses here. Although painful, and I'm still not sure I completely agree with it, I followed the advice most people gave and did not contact her in any fashion. Now that she has contacted me, explained the situation, and we are communicating again. I make no bones that I hope we can have the relationship I want with her; but it may also just be an opportunity to get some closure so we can move on with our lives and remain friends.

Since we are talking again, my focus should be on discussing this with her; but I may check in here or create a new thread in the general forum to ask advice on how to deal with this.

Oof, I'd say try to move on. Sounds like she's vehemently against everything.

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Originally Posted by superwoman28 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

i just did a similar thing w/ the guy im dating.. i got mad at him n let it build up then blew up at him n told him that "this is the last time u will be talking to me".. except i didnt mean it. but if i was to really not want to talk to a guy again i guarantee he wouldn't be my "friend" on FB. n so she is either playing u for a fool. or she is the fool herself. either way it's lose/lose.

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Don't give this poor guy any hope to cling on to. She has shut the door on him, locked it, then welded it shut. The only reason she's still talking to him is because she is a nice person who feels bad for him, maybe is concerned about his state of mind, or perhaps she is super chatty type of person.

The thing though, someone who doesnt want to be contacted, wouldnt keep someone as a friend via facebook.

Think of it as something like... A girl has this annoying guy on facebook as a friend. He becomes really annoying so she says "stop contacting me, i dont want to hear from you again". She would then remove him as a facebook friend.

I too had the sorta thing with my x (made a thread in this section). But the last bit of contact was because she was totally unsure. Our relationship was indeed healthy, but on the other hand, due to a few factors, like distance, money, and not being able to progress in our own lives due to the relationship shes left in 2 minds.

Although she never said about no contact or stopping messaging her, she kept me on facebook. Shes changed her mind to making a mistake, back to, thinking its for the best. So I had to point out, that if shes 100% certain she wants it to be over... she needs to realise that we would never be in contact again (no facebook, texts etc) and we wouldnt ever see eachother again. Since then not heard a thing (was only a few days ago I sent that).



The thing in this guys situation.... If she pitty'd him... why would she put herself through messaging him again, knowing it would be harder to get over him when she previously had feelings for him? She would be doing herself no favours.


The best thing you can do OP, now shes get in touch with you.... when you speak, dont talk about the relationship. Just general things like how shes been feeling, what you been up to.

This will help her think, weather it will be better off without you both being together, weather she still wants to remain in contact with you and slowly rebuild things, or weather its for the best you do both stop all contact and part for good.

It's over. It was probably over a few months ago; but neither of us was quite ready to give up on it (or maybe just needed to wind it down without feeling guilty.) We were communicating again for a month (almost to the day) and I was avoiding discussion of the relationship; and perhaps I could / should have waited; but my intuition told me that things were drifting again. She stopped responding to me for a day or so, and when she finally did it was to tell me that she is not good for me, she's depressed, doesn't see us being together, and repeated some other issues I've shared here. She said she considers herself single and I should, too. I plead my case, told her how I felt about her, and that I want her in my life; but then I said I will wait as long as it takes and give her time. She said, time won't matter, and I told her that I need to move on.

I'm heartbroken. I'm a 40-something year old crybaby. This was only the 2nd relationship I've been in since my early 20's and this was the person with whom I really felt I wanted to spend the "2nd half" of my life. Until a few months ago she said she felt the same way. However, the problems were always there, and while my family thought she was very lovely and my kids liked her (she never seemed to believe that), most of my friends thought she was too much trouble. At least I have a good network of people who are supportive.

I don't know that this is the best idea yet, but I've decided to try to jump back into the water ASAP. I've been scouting out opportunities in my social circle, checking out the scenery at a few local spots, and I have profiles active on a few sites. I'm chatting with a couple of women online. I get my children back from their mom tonight for the rest of the summer and I'm slammed at work, so won't have much time for a few weeks at least to get into much, but I'm making the effort.